Shambo

Thanks Cassie. I never knew that history about cigarettes! The last few days have been pretty great considering. I'm trying not to worry that I'm about to get super depressed or jones, but if it comes, it does. It took me four years to jack myself up. I just have to practice patience while this all works itself out. I need to write that down and read it every day:)

@justin what is this bull dance you speak of!? Sounds like something i may like to do for my kids. It's good to have plenty of tricks in the parenting bag:)

1. When do the dreams ease up? They are more bad than good which sucks but the biggest issue is that they're REALLY intense. I didn't dream when I took meds. And I've always had this happen when I don't take them. 2. I'm itching all over. I have a rash. Health wise my body is acting the fool. The congestion is still an issue. My face is breaking out. How is it that I'm healthy when I'm eating speed and smoking a pack a day but when I eat well, only smoke 2 cigs a day and take vitamins I start falling apart? I'm sure my body is detoxing in some way, but dang. 3. The one problem that I find hardest to control when not having meds is my ability to stay present during conversations. I tune out or get distracted easily and later I realize it happened mid sentence and we never finished the conversation. How can I stop that? Does it get easier?

@justin good for you for saying no to your dr about adderall!

In my experience, you know what you need to do if you're going to quit. If you're still leaving safety nets for access to adderall, you're probably setting up to fail. I could never ever ever quit unless I was totally out of pills AND had no excuses to call my dr & get an early refill. No fucking way. I've exhausted every excuse and finally had to face this shit head on. You'll quit when you do. No sooner. Step one is quit playing games with yourself. If you can go 10 days, you can go 10 years. Quitting won't kill you. Using will. Oh honey, I really do feel your struggle. I did it for years. But I finally had to shit or get off the pot.

Day 10- ate like a boss, feel like nothing can hold me down today. I feel very optimistic about the future. I believe I'm going to win this time. I believe it.

Stuffed

It's on my Netflix list.... I'm not feeling up for watching anything about pills or drugs or doctors or movies that may show someone taking a pill or anyone that weighs less than 120lbs in a bathing suit or movies that have scenes portraying insomnia or hyperactivity. Cooking shows are great. But I plan to watch that movie. It looked interesting.

I'll check it out! Thanks. I do have a diagnosis but, meh... Idk if I buy it. If anyone on planet earth has ADHD, it's my oldest son, and I refuse to medicate him. Dietary and natural methods are the only things I believe are best for him. Why I took the medicated route- because I'm an addict and it was too perfect to have a legal, socially acceptable reason for me to eat speed all day. But not for my boy. I'm just not sure if ADHD is a disorder or another label/problem to make us question ourselves, our passion, our voice, to fill us even more with self doubt....the government, big pharma.... Here comes my paranoia! Lol! Run!!!

At first I worried that someone could get my info & somehow tell my dr or pharmacy that I was abusing my meds. That sounds ridiculous now. And even if it's not, I don't give a shit now. . Nice to have you here!

Actually, today has been the best fucking day I've had in for-EVER. I helped my husband stack fire wood and craved affection from my family. I actually initiated physical touch. And it's because I wanted it- not because I felt obligated to hug or touch to ensure my kids don't get scurvy. Yes, I know that doesn't cause scurvy. Rickets was my second choice. There was a moment when I was walking back from getting wood- 4 of the kids were balls to the walls on the trampoline, laughing & playing & one was helping split wood with his dad. I felt like it was going to be ok. We are going to be okay. I haven't pushed everything past the point of no return. The capacity we all have for forgiveness and redemption- it's something we underestimate- in ourselves and in others. I do anyhow. I did. Mommy guilt is a fucking bear WITHOUT any external help, but I'll tell you, put a few years of the "Adderall super mom illusion" on top of it and you can color yourself fucked. It's a hot mess. Not only do you get the benefit of realizing your kids have missed you (for YEARS), but you've created a level of productivity in your home that everyone around you can not obtain AND your adult daughters will struggle to do it all because of your example, all the while you're wearing a size 0 and sometimes wonder where your friends went. So I'm getting to rebuild every relationship in my life, including the one I have with my less boney body. NOBODY talks about this shit! What the hell are we doing to ourselves?! As if passionate, creative, sensitive, loving people needed the imaginary, already unattainable bar of life to be raised any higher. Is that a run on sentence? Or maybe it's just too saturated with adjectives.... I'm sorry for being so wordy, but damn it I feel! And it feels awesome to feel! Word up! Wooohooooooooo! Later taters.

I dropped my boys at practice & was driving around, having my smoke. I was listening to Dirty Paws by Of monsters & men (perfect music for my dramatic scene;) & whipped the car around, sped to the pharmacy, requested my script on file, informed them I wouldn't need them to special order my meds anymore, & it felt great! I ripped my script into shreds. I haven't told anyone I did that. I'm slowly peeking over my walls, but I'm out of practice with authentic connections. Adderall fed my illusion that life is a movie about me- it's all about me. I'm ashamed to see the degree to which I believe that- and ashamed that I'm still struggling with it. I know it's a part of the human condition but damn. I've had flu like symptoms since Thanksgiving day. It seems to be worse today. I'm taking my supplements and taking better care of my body than I have in years- what gives!? Thank you for the words, you guys. The encouragement is such a big source of support for me. When I read your replays, they're in voices I've made for each of you. Lol! Crazy? In case it's not obvious, yeah, crazy is my copilot. . Happy Tuesday!

It's 5pm. I'm having my obligatory cigarette for the day. I'm mainly sitting here just holding it. I'm still in the same clothes I've had on since Thursday. I haven't brushed my teeth in days. BUT I just ralleyed the family, put up the Christmas tree and I'm heading in to jump in the tub. I'm bored with laying around and feeling sorry for myself. I've got to call my dr tomorrow and cancel my scripts. I never want to go through this shit again.

Day 5- fml. I'm in such a shitty mood, I shouldn't be posting, but just popping by to say blah. I'm not sure how I managed to get through yesterday. I had some pretty hilarious flubs. I was in charge of bringing a gallon of tea (which we don't drink at my house) and it seemed obvious to me that a gallon of tea contains 8 cups of sugar. And that's how I made it. If you find yourself in charge of making sweet tea, make a note to self, it doesn't take 8 cups of sugar. I'm pretty sure that's common sense:). I'm eating. I'm napping. And I'm knitting. I'm down from smoking a pack or more a day to smoking 2-3 cigs total. I keep the tv going and trying to ride these first days out. I'm not so happy, but I knew this would be a bitch. I do know it'll get better in a few more days. Hope everyone had a great thanksgiving. Xoxo

I just got an arrow at the base of my thumb. It symbolizes focus, purpose, intention.... Amongst a few other things. Tattoos are a great gift for yourself.

This is my supply & times I take them. I'm not sure if i need more supplements or if I should take them together or if I need some of them at all. I wondered if I needed to add Lions Mane... Any feedback is appreciated. L tyrosine 1000mg & CoQ10 with coffee when I wake up Ltyrosine 1000, B12 & Yerba mate powder smoothie (yuck) at lunch Magnesium & Iron at bed

Haha! Yeah, that song..... It pops in my head when the shit hits the fan. I handled my 15yr olds situation the best I could. We went out behind the house & I planned to do the obvious punishment- make her smoke till she pukes- it sounds pretty shitty reading that, but that's what I went with. When she started trying to light it, she saw I had my camera pointed at her & she burst out crying (I didn't take a picture) and I told her to pay attention to what she was feeling and why she felt it. I proceeded to explain how smoking feels shameful and all the crap that comes with it. She's seen me fail to quit so many times..... We talked for an hour or so. I think she got the picture. It's almost bed time! Woohoo! Day 1 is done. I bought some supplements today. I really really really don't want to deal with depression. Unrealistic I know..... Oh well. Moving forward. To infinity and beyoooonnnnd!

I have to vent. Today is day 1. In the last 24 hrs I caught my 15 yr old smoking cigarettes and my 11yr old broke down and told me she has been having thoughts of killing us all in our sleep. FUCK. This isn't the easy going, tv watching, gentle itinerary I had planned for my quit. I took my 11yr old to the dr today and we think she's dealing with a type of OCD. And everything is going to be ok. It sucks, but it is what it is. Day 1. What a way to get started.

Hahaha! Justin, that was a much needed laugh! Thank you. I'm on day 2.... Netflix, a jar of garlic stuffed olives, 6 pieces of toast, a cup of ice cream & 5 cups of coffee- maybe exercises would be more productive. . My husband & I had several talks over the weekend. Id love to have clarity and closure but today is what I have. And today I'm laying in bed watching TV. And today is good. Thank you for touching base w me and making me laugh.

:/

Birding!!! I miss that too! I've gone through spells when I'd obsess over bird watching, but it's been a while. Saw my first Indigo Bunting earlier this year. Velviaaaaaaa! Digital will never make me as happy as a correctly exposed/composed negative of Velvia. Ever! Lol! My husband built a darkroom for me about 4 months ago. Enlarger & all. I haven't developed a single roll yet. He bought me new binoculars for birding- I've used them once in the last 2 months. Hopefully change is on the wind....

@jon I do know. It sucks. It's such a messy ball of wax. Can I finally separate my worth from how much I weigh? Can I maintain the great sex life w my husband (when I went off addys for 2 months, I became a chubby, hungry, Snuggle buddy. Not horny. Not sexy.). Can I give up the need to prove I can take the meds right? Can I admit that the last 3 years I put my family through a roller coaster of uncertainty, and live w all the guilt that entails? Can I be strong enough to stay clean when my house is a mess, my husband comments about my big ass & I haven't homeschooled my 5 kids in a month? Fuck. I know I can't afford NOT to overcome and accept those things. Thank you for shifting my perspective about being a "cry baby". That was so well put. One more thing- I read your comment somewhere about losing your passion for photography. That is a huge source of sadness and confusion for me. I've tried everything I know to find it again. Even bought a new Leica last week- nothing has worked. Have you felt that coming back to you yet?

Loved this. I even bookmarked it. Thanks for sharing.