Shambo

I know. It's crazy high. I typically don't take that much, but I haven't taken them as prescribed either. My true self accepts that it's time to give up & quit. Then my addy brain always wants to try one more month to get it right. Last night concerned me. How in the hell did I go to sleep?! My brain must be pudding. I don't know if I'll post often. The last thing I want is to be the forum cry baby. And the next week or so is going to be- you know. Thanks for replying.

This cycle I'm in is freaking insane. I'm back to reading through the archives here & trying to pump myself up for the next 17 days that I'll be out of meds. I ran out extra early this month. Yesterday I took over 200mg & was asleep by 11:30pm- without taking anything to go to sleep. I quit for 2 months, earlier this year but believing I could control my dose, I started back. After the first 2 weeks of coming off the meds, it was wonderful. I'm at a loss for why I have spent the last 7 months failing over and over. I know how I sound. I know what needs to happen. I needed to vent a little but more importantly I wanted to say: Keep sharing. Your struggles & victories are such an inspiration. This is a little oasis of hope during my day (corny? Yeah:). Thank you for being raw and honest and vulnerable. It helps more than you know. Have a good weekend everyone.

I needed this today. Thank you.

I'm in Crestview:). But I'd be no help for you yet..... I'm still struggling. I actually went to an NA meeting yesterday.... I think Adderall is something people around here keep very quiet about. It's hard to go it alone, as I'm sure you know. Keep your chin up.

I'm not a fan of negativity but I'm a big fan of honesty & transparency so..... I get 3 months of scripts, like most people. I had two left. I went 3 weeks without Adderall and I only had 2 rough days (feeling mildly depressed/tired) and I stayed in bed and watched TV those days. I took lots of supplements and I can't stress how huge of a difference that made in my entire being compared to the two months prior when I'd ran out of meds. HUGE difference- a good one:). The last 3 weeks were some of the most relaxed and happy days I've had in years. I had many belly laughs. I smiled for no reason. I read no books (that felt good, but I missed them). I still had trouble going to sleep (Sam-E is to blame on that I just discovered- thanks, Jenna for that info). I gained 10 lbs and had no sex drive, but I went out to dinner with 3 different friends, 3 different nights and actually had authentic connection and conversations- and I ate. AND I drank a beer for the first time in years- and it was good. But, knowing I had medicine sitting at the pharmacy for me was too strong a pull. I didn't have the courage to call the pharmacy to ask them to dispose of them. And I was afraid if I did, I may get weak and go by and look like a junkie to see if they'd forgotten to throw them away. The solution my addiction came up with is to wait until my next 3 month appt and tell my Dr. I want to take a break and go from there. I have no doubt that I'd still be off meds if I didn't have access to them. I felt my old self and it was beyond great. It's proving a bit hard to fight off sadness since I got my meds. I need this board for accountability. I know my time is coming when I'll be free. I'm grateful for this space to be vulnerable and share honestly. Xoxo

OH! And do me a favor and listen to Shambala by Three Dog Night- really loud! Lol! There's a great live video on YouTube somewhere from way back in the day. Before my day, actually, but it's the JAM and hopefully makes you smile.

Hey Buddy. I'm sorry your skies are dark. I hope you realize how bright your light is on this forum though. You are so encouraging and always giving of yourself. You have such a gift for making others feel not so alone. I believe I read that you are taking supplements but have you tried sitting in the sun for a few minutes everyday? I spend most days sitting on a quilt under a tree or doing something outside. It helps tremendously. Even if I just walk around my yard- sunshine is a miracle. And what about moving around. I have yet to do any "exercise" but on days when I hang a load of clothes on the clothes line or just use my body more than just sitting, I do notice an upward shift in my moods. The last 3 weeks have been great. My refill was yesterday. And I caved. But my time will come again. I have hope. And I credit your kind words and your story and honest struggles with giving me some of that hope. Keep going, buddy. The sun will come out. Go soak it up when it does. Sending positive thoughts your way.

30 days!!!! Good on you! Thanks for the kind words and advice. Keep up the good fight.

PS if I could eat my bed, I think I would. I haven't stopped eating all day- :/

Day 2. Got up this morning and drove to town to get some L- Tyrowhateveritscalled. I ran out of SamE yesterday and the store was out as well. I thought Id fall asleep on the drive there, but managed to get to the coffee shop and order a triple. I drank that, took the supplements, did a few errands and came home for a 3 hour nap. I've been in bed since. I'm not depressed, thank god. Just feeling lazy. To answer your questions Falcon, my husband is a saint but it's going to be tough fighting feelings of guilt over not having the house clean and dinner done- not to mention being on my A game with the kids- but its temporary and a means to an end. I can't step down with the meds. I don't want them. I am powerless against them when I have them. I've tried and every month it's the same thing. I do great for 3 or 4 days, then Ill eat 12 and be in bed by 9- ill barely feel anything. Jenna, that's a great point. And I did that today to justify my nap. I took the kids to the library. Have any of you tried NA meetings? I saw someone mention secular type meetings, but they don't have those in my area. I'm in FL too, Jenna. PM me if you'd like. I'll be without Internet until next week, so I won't post again till then. Thanks for being here to talk to, guys. It helps.

I've lurked here for a year or so & must first say how great it is to read the genuine encouragement written by people in recovery and people who are still using, to people trying to quit. Great community here. I'm sure that writing my story out is something I must do. It's certainly not easy and so far it's a slow process that's consisted of me sitting here, staring at the blinking blue cursor for long stretches of time. Humbling. I stumbled upon info about Adderall during a zombie google session, not long after I'd had my 5th baby. He was about 5 months old and my ass wasn't getting any smaller. I'd been diagnosed 5 years prior with ADHD and took some crazy meds I can't recall now. Damn. Effexor! That's what it was. It was beyond awful but after reading about adderall, I made an appt with a different dr and was very straight forward about my past experience and diagnosis and that I wanted to try adderall. That was 2 1/2 years ago. My son was 5 months old. He'll be 3 soon. And I've been a fucking robot. All 5 of my kids are homeschooled. All 5 of my kids have watched me slowly retreat deep inside myself to the point of basically babysitting them as they did whatever they wanted. I never wanted to talk to or be around people I knew. I'd load the kids up and road trip across the country but screw going grocery shopping unless it was late at night. I shut off my cell phone. Deleted my Facebook. I've been taking 90 20mg in a week & 1/2 to 2 weeks for the last 5 months. The last time I went without for 2 weeks, all I could think about was killing myself. I've never had depression and it scared the shit outta me. But yesterday I ate my last 8 pills and my refill isn't until Nov 8. I'm done. I'm afraid. I'm so so afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to get bed ridden depression. I'm afraid of the guilt I have to face over not being authenticly connected with my kids or anyone else. I'm afraid of gaining weight. The list is a mile long, really. But I'm also over it. I'm sick to death of reading my life away. Devouring parenting books isn't the equvilant of being a parent. Reading spirituality books and struggling to connect with something greater than myself, all the while feeding my addiction that makes me think of nothing BUT myself. I don't talk to any of my friends for months. I'm socially weirdy weirdo- awkward pauses or 90 mile an hour rant about taquitos- depends on the day. I'm an awesome mom. I love being with friends and cracking jokes. I love naps in the yard on Saturday afternoon. I love being full of creativity and belly laughs. I love being trusted with someone's hurt and actually feeling empathy. I love singing to the radio. I love cooking. I love me. And I miss me. It's time my kids have ME again. I'm going to stock up on supplements tomorrow and pray my way through this. Life is much to short to waste like this. Hey Adderall, you can suck it. Xoxo, Chelle