Shambo

Day 20- done

What day are you on? Have you looked at Wellbutrin? It's been a god send for me. And tv. When I get weird or feel a trigger, I strike a trot to get to a tv. I know that sounds awful and crazy, but I'm just doing whatever works to get clean days accumulated. It will get better. It's way better than it was on day 9 or day 13..... Get through your day. Put one foot in front of the other. Be easy on yourself. It's a process, you know.... And I feel your pain. I really really do. You can do this.

Done. This site is my life line some days. Thank you for keeping it up. Xoo

I love this thread. I read every word. Such great stuff here. I needed this.

@inrecovery yes. Day 19- good

Day 16, 17, & 18- still good. I finally got my scripts from the pharmacy. I haven't burnt them or shredded them yet..... My addiction has revved up the scheming.... I'll deal with it. I haven't told anyone that I still have those 2 scripts. I know that's stupid. I have to dig deep before the 18th. I don't want to suffer through this again- knowing my long term supply is cut off helps a lot. Just venting and trying to be somewhat accountable to someone. Have a great week guys.

Day 13,14 & 15- good to go.

Day 12. Done. Today was rough. My husband flipped the psycho switch & I had his dad come and get him out of the house. As I was vacuuming broken glass my mind started scrambling to find ways to numb. I thought about the scripts at my pharmacy and whether it was the 18th and I daydreamed about eating meds and going back into my head so I wouldn't care about anything..... But it's not May 18th. And I'd rather be alone than married and medicated. It's scary how deep I went into that idea. But whatever. Life happened today. Shit hit the fan. I handled it without numbing. I'm not dead. My heart hurts but I'm not dying. I dealt with major shit tonight without adderall. And I'm ok. I had to vent. You guys are my sounding board. I really need to get out and reconnect with mankind. Or I could call my mom. I'm going to sleep. Hope you're all having a good week so far. Xoooo

I was meaning that a bit sarcastically- because she mentioned several times how her daughter was most important to her.... I haven't had a quit stick. I've done it for all the usual reasons- husband, kids, shame, etc. This time the seed was planted when my husband & I were Ineligable to attend a marriage retreat/intensive because I had an ongoing addiction. Our marriage has taken some huge hits over the last 4 years and I knew in my gut that we were on the verge of destroying it all. I knew we had to go to this retreat. I felt guilty and sad that I was what was keeping us from moving forward. So it seems like I quit for our marriage. I'm sure if I dug a bit deeper I'd find obvious self driven motivations. I do see my marriage as a facet of self preservation though. I may be reaching here.... But it's what I thought when I read through this thread.

Well said- Adderall is a mind fuck. Once you're able to see the lies and look at reality, you won't want it. It will take you so far down that by the end, you'll hate it so so badly. We all have our own journey with this beast. And you'll have yours. I wish you the best. PS I can truthfully say that I haven't craved it once in the last 8 days. I'm 8 days clean. Yay me. Fuck adderall.

Way to do it FW! Glad you're back. Day 8 in the bag. Have a great weekend. Xooo

Congrats of your daughter! Good luck on your quit! Post often and update your progress/condition. I'm rooting for you!

If your husband & daughter are about to leave you, of course you have to quit, right? Like zerocewl said, read through this forum. There's so many things you can get information from. If rehab is an option, go. Because if your daughter is everything to you, then you know your addiction to adderall must be addressed. Right now adderall is your everything. You're not a better mom on adderall. You're a wired out spaz who is giving off wild, tense energy. Kids may not be able to voice what is going on with you, but don't mistake that with not knowing you're very different. And not in a good way. Adderall is a lie. Good luck to you. I feel your pain....

Wellbutrin has been amazing at helping me quit. As long as I took it alone, but when I'd take adderall on top of it, I'd smoke- not as many but I'd still smoke. When I'd run out of adderall, I wouldn't smoke until I got a refill. Wellbutrin is helping me get a jump start. I had a friend smoking cigs back to back while we were talking the other day and I didn't feel any cravings the entire time. That's huge for me. I've never felt a lack of temptation when I smell cigarettes. I loved smoking. It's crazy.

It's good that you've come down on your dose. I think you need to relax about the hobby thing. Eventually adderall will kill your creativity but you don't notice. I just got off and I'm chilling and cooking. That's about all. I haven't napped like I have during past quits. I credit Wellbutrin with that. I hate promoting meds but it helped me transition my quit and stop my 23 year smoking habit at the same time. The creativity will come back to me. I know it will. It's a huge part of who I am at my core. But I'm not going to dwell on it and work myself into a lather. That's a quick way to depression and/or adderall worship. You can do it. When you're ready, you will. And your family will be so glad to have you back. I've spent more time engaged with my kids this week than I can remember.... Actually laughing and craving affection.... Nice.

Awe- some!!!

One week! Seven days. It feels like a month. And I'm so damn glad I made that call. And I'm grateful for this forum. Be back tomorrow. Sleep well.

Sounds like you already know..... You're a big girl, you know how this ends for either scenario. You'll choose. And when you choose to finally quit, you'll make the call/appt with both doctors and come clean. You'll maybe even call your pharmacy and let them know you're addicted and abusing adderall. And your supply will stop. And you'll be free. Or you'll choose to keep digging new depths to your rock bottom. Digging sucks. Aren't you tired? I fucking am. I made the call last week. It sucked. I felt embarrassed and proud at the same time. I will say its one of the weirdest fucking emotional states I've had. But it was weird in a good painful way. Weird, right? Good luck to you. Never give up. You sound strong. You've got fight in you. Adderall makes you think you're strong. It makes you feel in control. It makes you feel skinny and beautiful. It's a fucking lie. We look like meth heads. We smoke too much and eat like shit. We think life is fine and our friends are suddenly dumb or jealous- yeah, okay. No, nope & umm, not jealous of our obvious speed problem. Write here and let us know how it's going for you. I really hope you get what you need.

W. O. W. Preach. I really hope you're doing well. I'm blown away by how much creativity you must have off of adderall- because adderall slowly sucks it all away. You have a gift. Many I'm sure. You were made to share it. All the best to you. Xoooo

I've totally felt this way. I've lived this way. And trying to control your dose after you abuse it- I wasted years in that vicious cycle. I never made it to my refill day without running out- for 2 years. I never wanted to quit, until I accepted that I accepted I couldn't beat my addiction. Should you try to control it? Good luck. Really. Good luck. Maybe you have Jedi powers. Is it worth quitting? Yes. When you're ready. Only you can make that choice and know when you've had enough. Rock bottom sucks. But the climb back up is the stuff that life is made of. It's hard. You're humbled when you ask for help. You feel strong. At first I hung my head and hated everything. But today I held my head up. I smiled and looked people in the eye. I feel good without my big secret on my back. I'm a better mom. I think I am close to being cool in social situations. I eat. I quit smoking right away (thank you wellbutrin). Adderall is speed. We all know it. I have a brother In law whose a meth addict. And I felt justified and self righteous in my addiction. I knew and I admit, eating 350mg of adderall and driving my kids to the pool is no better than smoking meth in the backyard before dinner. I'm as much an addict as he is. I see that now. I'm rambling, but good luck to you. When you do quit, don't forget this forum. It's the best support group you'll ever find for quitting adderall. These guys are fucking great.

@zerocewl Looking up the definition made me smile very big. Thank you.

Thanks Robin. Hey Jon! It's good to be back! BTW, Scarlett Tangier, summer tangier, indigo buntings & orchard orioles- those have been my big sightings this past month:). @ bigbeezy I came down with the flu during my last quit. It sucks, but it passes. Keep up the good fight!

@inrecovery Thank you. I feel strong. Calling my Dr and cutting off the supply has made this quit feel so different than past attempts. I have accepted that I'm done, that I'll never take it again. I don't know anyone who takes it so there's no temptation there. Everyday I feel stronger and more content. Xoooo

Day 6- really great day. Lots of rain/flooding & ugly weather in general but I've been in a great mood. I took the kids to a dr appt & got groceries. Yay me! See you tomorrow. Xooo