I can't believe it's me...

[NurseAddy 38]

@Mark S Thank you for your reply. I can definitely relate to how it helped me knock out crazy work schedules.....until it didn’t. I thankfully haven’t experienced any anxiety or psychosis yet, but it’s not something I want to work towards either. Congratulations on being a year and a half sober. What a feat! I hope I can say the same in 2 years. 

[NurseAddy 38]

@demi24 Thank you for your reply again. Sadly, I’ve flushed those bastards numerous times, just doesn’t stop me from refilling. My PCP appointment is next week and since I flushed my pills, I couldn’t get them even if I wanted to. Great idea though. I’m currently on a Keto diet or I’d LOVE to eat my emotions. What makes me happy? My life should but I’m not sure if the adderall has ruined that or if I’m missing something? 

[SeanW 423]

On 10/9/2019 at 0:47 PM, NurseAddy said:

@SeanW Thank you very much for the reply. I too don’t want to have to lose everything before I realize my mistakes and my addiction. I hate Adderall as soon as I take it but it never stops me from refilling the damn thing. What gives? I can’t target why I want it nor the trigger behind the refill. I have no will power, plain and simple. I will keep fighting the addiction, nonetheless. Thank you again. 

That’s how addiction works. It’s just our chemical imbalances brain doing anything it can for relief and it will do whatever it takes to get us to do something. This is why we have a conscience to battle things like this when we know it’s not right for us. It’s our only hope to not be robots stuck in a cycle of addiction. 

[NurseAddy 38]

@SeanW Thank you for that. It’s what I needed to read for getting the courage to tell my doc not to prescribe me it anymore on Tuesday. Here’s to hoping I keep up that momentum! 

[SeanW 423]

7 hours ago, NurseAddy said:

@SeanW Thank you for that. It’s what I needed to read for getting the courage to tell my doc not to prescribe me it anymore on Tuesday. Here’s to hoping I keep up that momentum! 

I “hope” you do. Although it’s not a matter of hope. It’s in your hands. You have the choice. Make the right one. You won’t regret it in the long run but you make the wrong one and you will most definitely regret it. I wish you the best. You don’t deserve to go through making the wrong one. Please give it a break and keep us updated on here. I was on here five times a day at least for my first six months to a year. 

 

Much love 

Cameron

[NurseAddy 38]

@SeanW Thank you again, Cameron. I definitely have the angel and the devil on each shoulder but with support from here as well home, I’m favoring the angel. Thanks and thanks again. Really, I appreciate your time in replying to me. It helps all too much.

[NurseAddy 38]

I did it! I bucked up and told my PCP I no longer want the pill I’ve been a cracked out slave to for years. No more supply, no more Adderall. Feels incredibly liberating and terrifying at the same time, but I know the cycle would never cease unless I permanently stopped it. Here’s to being 10 days clean and free from the ball and chain I call Adderall!

[LuLamb 60]

That's fabulous! Congratulations!!!! You can do this!!!

[LuLamb 60]

NurseAddy how are you doing today?

 

[NurseAddy 38]

@LuLamb I’m feeling pretty good, considering I’m only on day 12! Thanks for asking! How about you? Feeling ok or going through the dreaded withdrawal process?

[LuLamb 60]

Congratulations on 12 days!!!! That’s amazing! I’m only on Day 5-Major withdrawals started last night. For better or worse, it made me decide to cancel my long weekend plans of flying to LA. So I have four days off and a new plan: me and my couch, lol. My dog will be gone til Monday, so I don’t even need to deal with his care for a few days. Phew.  

[Doge 862]

good plan!!!

[mad_stoic 4]

So how the fuck do you, myself, and the rest in this situation fucking quit? 
It’s not an option for me. I take it or I will die. Life isn’t worth living without it. And that is only due to my life as it is. 

ive been reading Seneca and writings of other stoics. They say you have two choices in life when  Faced with an obstacle:

Fight it. Or harmonize with it.

I had that thought tonight. Probably why I’m on this site.

Everyones situation is different. For some, it’s the reason for fucking their lives up. For me, I’ve noticed I do the same bullshit whether on Adderall or not. My hypothesis is that adderall is the scape goat, for me.

there are thing I need to be doing: Having that conversation with a family member, reconciling for someone I’ve wronged, you get the idea. i wouldn’t be doing any of this, popping pills or not. I tell myself I’d be able to if I was off, but I’ve been off and I still don’t.

The paradox:  Taking adderall  is the excuse I use to convince myself I’ll get done what I need to. But still, I don’t.

Naturally, I blame the pills for not doing what I need to do. 

There are lots of people out there just as fucked up, and worse, and completely sober. They have other scape goats.

Adderall abuse is the byproduct of deep, internal pain. That’s what needs to be dealt with. Adderall is the band aid. I just feel that I know I’m this to be be true of everyone, without exception. It’s drug abuse. A Numbing agent. 

”the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety - it’s connection”

Example: I hate my job but adderall makes me love it.

By all relevant indicators, you and I are both “connected.” But something else is going on. Maybe not for you, but I know it to be true for me. Is adderall the scape goat? It is for me. My goal is to harmonize with my addiction (read: disconnection) and find the root of what’s going on.

 

[sleepystupid 643]

8 hours ago, mad_stoic said:

So how the fuck do you, myself, and the rest in this situation fucking quit? 
It’s not an option for me.

yes it is - it's always an option, no matter how deep in you are (:

8 hours ago, mad_stoic said:

My goal is to harmonize with my addiction (read: disconnection) and find the root of what’s going on.

i think to achieve any sort of meaningful introspection, you need to get off the pills first. Adderall can literally change the way you think about EVERYTHING in life. you need to distance yourself from it before you'll be able to dig deeper to find the true cause of your pain. 

[NurseAddy 38]

@mad_stoic I couldn’t agree with @sleepystupid more about NEEDING off the pills. The want seems like it will never be there, but the innate NEED for your body and mind to be sober is incredibly strong once you actually step out of the nightmare of adderall and into a scary reality of sobriety. It’s terrifying, but flush those oval f*ckers and force yourself into at least a month of no access so you realize what your missing. Don’t get me wrong, the first week or two is a big ole bitch, but once your body starts re-stabilizing, the realm of sobriety warms you like adderall never could.

 

You don’t NEED Adderall, it needs you. You don’t need a crutch, a comfort blanket or a way out. You need help. You deserve a life of not being chained to pills, not wondering when the next refill is, not calculating how many pills you have left till you’re out, not racking your brain thinking of how to score more, not dreading the crash after a binge and not fearing when there’s only one pill left. You deserve to sleep, eat and feel normal. You deserve to live reality and not escape it. You deserve to live, without adderall. 
 

Do NOT be fooled, there is no connection nor harmonizing with adderall. We are addicts, there is no two way street nor will there ever be. We are slaves to a fake notion of happiness. We live in a fantasy that was once adderall and is no longer obtainable through addiction. Whatever feeling, productivity or studying ability you’re trying to recreate time and time again, will drift further and further away along with your mind, friends, family and happiness. I promise. 
 

It’s crazy how much different sober feels from the addict. Granted, I’m still scared shitless of what I may have irreversibly ruined, but I’ve promised myself a life I want to live. What’s the point of living when all you live for is the next pill? You deserve more, we all do. 
 

Best wishes.

[NurseAddy 38]

Day 23 and I’m really struggling with depression and just a feeling of absolute worthlessness. Almost like a ‘pit in the stomach’ feeling when you’re dreading a certain something, except mine is dreading waking up without Adderall. Any advice or thoughts from those veteran sobriety friends?

[quit-once 1,656]

From my standpoint, I dread the thought of waking up under the addiction of Adderall.  I just can't imagine how awful that would be anymore.   I saw my adderall addiction as a mortgage on my future.  The pain of recovery is merely the act of paying off that loan.  The first ten weeks of recovery are absolute hell.  But even during this challenging period, some days are better than others and eventually the good days will outnumber the bad days.

[NurseAddy 38]

@quit-once Love the analogy, you’re absolutely correct. I will try and look at the whole picture in a more positive light. Thank you!

[m34 65]

This is part of it. I kept telling those thoughts it’s my addiction talking not me.. you can do this!  It does get better! Im about to hit 10 months. Still struggling, but nothing is as hard as this beginning phase! You can do this! 
 @quit-once is absolutely right. 

[NurseAddy 38]

@m34 Thank you for the reply and the words of encouragement. Definitely needed right now!

[NurseAddy 38]

I woke the dragon. I found a lone pill in my drawer (I feel like the devil himself planted it) and now I can’t stop thinking about how to score more. The craving is RIDICULOUS. This pill may still have a chance to ruin my life. How do I stop thinking about it??? Help...

[quit-once 1,656]

Send that pill to hell and flush it now!  (unless you already took it)

I found a lone pill a couple of years ago, and I was going to hang on to it for a friend.  The temptation was unbearable after about five minutes so I flushed that little blue fucker.

Do you really want to go through this recovery game all over again?   Don't give up, you have over a month of freedom under your belt already!

 

[NurseAddy 38]

@quit-once I’m sad to say I had about enough will power to question flushing it once and then took it. Now I’ve scoured my house hoping to find more without any luck. I hate this.

[LuLamb 60]

How are you now???

[Tom23Jones 182]

On 10/21/2019 at 9:30 PM, NurseAddy said:

You don’t NEED Adderall, it needs you. You don’t need a crutch, a comfort blanket or a way out. You need help. You deserve a life of not being chained to pills, not wondering when the next refill is, not calculating how many pills you have left till you’re out, not racking your brain thinking of how to score more, not dreading the crash after a binge and not fearing when there’s only one pill left. You deserve to sleep, eat and feel normal. You deserve to live reality and not escape it. You deserve to live, without adderall. 

Man, I needed to read this today, I've been feeling a lack of gratitude recently but this sure as fuck brought back some memories.  Today I'm thankful to not be chained to those fucking pills.

Nurse Addy, I hope you are doing well.  Hopefully this relapse was a reminder that adderall addiction is pure fucking chaos and in no way sustainable.