Doge Posted November 29, 2015 Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 I never would have dreamt I could find myself in this position again. About a week ago I slipped up. I worked on my friend relentlessly for a couple of weeks until he caved and he gave me some of his script. I didn't post for the last few days because I couldn't even face this site because of the guilt. But I have to tell you guys the truth as you all are the only ones I'm accountable to. I am really disappointed in myself but there is nothing to be done except get back on the wagon immediately. This is a major set back, as I have just fed the cravings a renewed sense of strength. I will have to face them all over again. It doesn't mean that everything I have worked on for the last 10 months is completely gone, but I am going to have to work harder now in order to keep it. The fact that it really is a slap in the face to all of you who encouraged me so much over in 2015 is not lost on me. I will make it up to you by not letting this drag me back into insanity. Time to start the ticker over and smarten the fuck up. I was such a God damned fool. I'm really, really, really sorry guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted November 29, 2015 Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Doge, You GOT this! It's in the past. Don't look back, just forward. It's a like a flat tire. You're right. Just get back on the road and keep driving. I've been there. Others have been there too. Don't beat yourself up over it. You have worked so hard and come so far. I'm rooting for you!!! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted November 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Thanks I appreciate it very much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon Posted November 29, 2015 Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 I'm new here, but I just wanted to tell you I'm rooting for you too! And I know that feeling all too well. You've been doing so well for so long, and the second you feel that pill going down your throat, you instantly regret it. It happens to the best of us. But like you said, it's not like those 10 months just went totally down the drain. Just think of this screw up as a reminder of what you don't want. We got this!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted November 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 You bet! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idonttan Posted November 30, 2015 Report Share Posted November 30, 2015 I have no doubt that your slip up will actually be extremely comforting and relatable to a lot of people. I myself have dug myself out of that Adderall hole so many times and for such long periods of time, only to then find myself back in it, several times. The fact that you've owned up to the mistake and vowed to learn from it, already shows a lot of growth. We live in a world where there are just so many poisons available all around us, that it's not always easy to say no and not let the idea of taking them overwhelm you. The important thing is to always get back up. Hang in there, we're all in this together! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted November 30, 2015 Report Share Posted November 30, 2015 dont beat yourself up over this- yes, it was a stupid lapse in what has otherwise been the best year of your recent life? dont let the negativity draw you in friend. 10 months of hard work is still much greater than 1 slip up that you immediately regret. the guilt is there, and that's what matters the most now. you havent slid so far that the rationalizing and excuse making has taken over!! but now that your friend has caved, do you have plans to cut that source once again somehow? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted November 30, 2015 Report Share Posted November 30, 2015 Doge, Lighten up on the self-guilt, dude. None of us takes it "personally" that you had a set back. A relapse, as it is known in addiction terms. At least it was brief, and the fact you feel some remorse means it was not entirely enjoyable for you. You experienced a small victory in proving your ability to talk someone out of their Adderall. Point made. Just realize that your persuasion will be both a strength and a weakness from this point forward. Remember that Adderall is as close as your local pharmacy, just like cigs at a C-store, and if you are determined enough to get some, you will find a way - that is just the nature of any dedicated addict. Knowing that, you mustn't rely on the relative inaccessibility of Adderall just because it is a prescription drug. I consider addiction to be disorder, not a disease. Like depression and ADHD. You recently experienced an illness (relapse) within that disorder from which you must recover and move forward. Whenever I contract an illness, I spend a lot of mental energy trying to figure out how and where I was exposed and what could have prevented me from getting sick (like right now I have a helluva cold and I know exactly where I got it and from whom, and it was preventable). Whenever I get a bout of depression, I treat it like an illness and do whatever I can to lessen its depth and duration and recover as quickly as possible. Just being able to recognize depression for the illness that it is has been a huge step forward for me. Although it might be painful, I suggest you look back to the days leading up to your relapse and your feelings and emotions that caused you to fuck up. Are there any obvious lessons you can put in your toolbox to prevent a future relapse? One suggestion I have is to work on your own thought control process. Did you give the fantasy of another Adderall high so much mental CPU time that it became obsessive? Personally, I have to be more vigilant of entertaining a smoking fantasy rather that an Adderall high. Anytime I start down that trail of how good a cig would taste, I just have to change the channel and direct that obsession to something more healthy - like what I will prepare for dinner. Whether a fantasy of smoking or Adderall enters my mind, I quickly counter those thoughts with "why do THAT to myself again", knowing that just one pill or cigarette could begin a cascade of bad decisions leading to a full blown relapse. Ok, I am starting to ramble but my point is that despite your recent screw up you still have 9 or 10 months experiencing life without Adderall and you need to treat that clean time as a huge asset that will help you avoid another mistake. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted December 1, 2015 Report Share Posted December 1, 2015 DOGE, Check out these articles. Hope this helps! http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/debunkingaddiction/2013/02/addiction-recovery-is-not-a-linear-process/ http://www.spiritualriver.com/drug-addiction/long-drug-addiction-recovery-take/ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted December 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2015 Thanks you guys. I really appreciate the understanding. I will do better. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fkadderall Posted December 2, 2015 Report Share Posted December 2, 2015 Were in this together. If it wasn't for this site, I'd probably still be abusing adderall. We know what adderall feels like so it will be harder for us to defeat temptation. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 Hey doge. I'm sorry to hear you went through all that. I've been there so many times too. One thing that helps me when I'm being too hard on myself, or can't forgive myself for something, is to ask: If my best friend did the same thing that I just did, what would I think, say or do? Is it really THAT terrible?? Would I beat that person up the way I beat myself up? Or would I be more compassionate? In your self-talk, try using "s/he" instead of "I." If you try talking about yourself in the third person, even just for a minute, it can help put things into better perspective. It will help you to be a better friend to yourself. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 You are not a bad person, Doge. You are still an inspiration to others. Maybe even more so now than before. You are still awesome! Hang in there and stay the course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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