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Bryan2010

Quitting TODAY.. for the third time this month! HELP!

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Hello EvErYoNe!

My name is Katie, I'm 26 years old and officially addicted to adderall.

I've been up for about a day and a half strait popping adderall left and right starting to get delerious and staring off like a brain dead zombie. How did I get here? I don't have an addictive personality. I don't do drugs or even like the drugs I had tried. How did this happen? My old self would really like to know!

I have already "quit" about, well every week this year, but it seems that as soon as I just start to get out of the brain dead zombie tranze i'd say like day 3 or 4 when I feel like i'm thinking "clearly" that little urge gets triggered and suddenly I'm back to sqare 1. Therefore, this time I'm trying something different. I'm telling my story in hopes that some of you can relate, no one can possibly understand this battle if they haven't fought it themselves. Soooo here goes...

Honestly even from what I remeber early on in school Ive always had problems staying on task never excelled never cracked a book for that matter. In 2008 I started college hardly every went to class ended up dropping out and becoming pregnant at 19 years old. As soon as I laid eyes on my son I knew I wanted to give him the world. I even surprised myself I was an amazing mom with no help from my sons father. He was a spoiled rich kid who who could do no wrong in anyones eyes. He eventually started selling weed, like alot of weed and hanging with the wrong crowd. I knew I was going to be the only parent in my sons life... not that he didnt love his son but like I always said he was an amazing dad yet a terrible parent and to this day that hasnt changed. I decided to go back to school to be a nurse. Something i have always wanted to do just never thought I could. It was a rude awakening Anatomy and Physiology was my first nursing class I cried after the first test that is when Jeff (my sons father) gave me my first adderall. I remember it like it was yesterday I was sitting at the library trying to study bones it was miserable so I took the 30mg XR as soon as I took it I remember thinking ugh even this won't help me. Then all the sudden I was struck with overwelming power after reading the chapters and retaning all the information so easily and enjoying every minute of it I remember thinking,, I cant believe im only going to school to be a nurse I mean I can obviouly be a doctor or you know president of the united states. Im pretty sure I read my entire Anatomy book that day. At this point I obviously needed to get a script which was way to easy  but still at this point and even a year after this day taking them on and off when I had a test I never craved them I lilterally took them only when I needed to I literally thought I was in control.. I couldn't have been more wrong. But when I was still thinking I was in control I remeber looking at a friend of jeffs who was an adderall junkie who couldnt function without 200mg a day constantly taking all the extra I had left over of my 10mg once a day script bc I would literally only take like 2 or 3 10mg a month and thinking wow how do you let yourself get to that point I spefically remember one day talking to him and he kept stopping mid sentence and complety losing his train of thought he looked at me and said "this is what adderall is going to do to you" I laughed and said nope i only take it every once and a while i'll be fine, He instantly said "ya thats how we all start" and here I am today the exact person I said I would never be. So after about a year of casually taking them I am accpeted into the Nursing program and lets just say is was all down hill from there it went from only needing them for tests to needing them for homework then for lecture it happend so fast I went from 2 or 3 a month to a week. The benifits of adderall started to disapear while my need for it only enhanced. It was a horrible cycle adderall high for 2 days strait zombie for 3 then back to the benge. This is how I have been living for almost two years. Over 2-3 days I'll pop adderall all day and night dont eat dont sleep and on day 3 I feel like I was run over by a truck and always on day 3 I "quit" and I always mean it  well at least I think I do my brain has other plans it feels like. I have even tried giving it to other people to hold it so I only take it when I really need it.. well turns out thats all the time and ill always find a way to get it. It doesnt help that jeff went to prison for drug dealing I raise my son on my own work ang go to nursing school. Adderall is the easy way to manage my busy life and being someone who was alwaying strong and independant it terrifies me that I now depend on adderall.  The longest I have quit was a month when I lost my insurance (this was like 2 months ago) but I ended up paying to see the doc out of pocked I needed my miracle drug. Well everyone its day 3 for me and Im quitting again. My life since I started adderall is a blur I honestly dont remeber my old self. Since adderall I am constantly getting black out drunk with my friends saying and doing things i never would have. Im not the same amazing mom I once was and with my son needing me now more than ever I have to be strong.  It's the scariest feeling in the world. Adderall doesnt help me despite my brain telling me it does. I retain nothing I stare like a zoned out zombie usually focused on something completly useless. It really took ahile for me to admit I was addicted but I truely need help I obviously cant do this alone. The main thing that gives me the most anxiety about quitting all together is knowing I still have a semester left before complete my RN program. How am I going to do this? I have always depended on it and worry that I wont do as well without it despite me knowing that it literally does nothing but hurt me. I really am a smart person I was never all that book smart Ive always had trouble retaining information or even concentrating to read but I am very hands on I can catch on to anything by doing it once. Iv always been a very hard worker and very well liked by employers well I mean before adderall. I know I can do this on my own I was such a stong person back then. I need to find that person again and I can't do that on my own. I'm in a good place in my life right now dating a wonderful guy who loves me and my son I graduate nursing school in may my life is finally falling into place except I feel I could lose it all if I dont give up adderall for good not for a month or a year but for the rest of my life!!!!

Sorry for all the rambeling and im sure a million spelling errors but I just took mt last 20mg adderall 2 hours ago I still have two scripts in my purse  so I guess the next step is to get rid of those... Why is that so hard? It should be easy! Well here goes nothing...

Any tips or advice is greatly appriciated.. it actually felt good getting some of that out!

 

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weekly withdrawals suck balls. they really do. it took me a while to figure out that adderall was killing me. drugs are stupid and mean. they fuck with your reality. and then you blame yourself over dumb decisions. Now, you might take a pill each time you're stressed out. the reason why you're stressed out in the first place is due to pills. that jittery feeling is annoying as fuck. not being able to sleep like a normal human is awful for your mind and body. relying on a pill for energy is so unhealthy, id rather be overweight. when you're skinny as shit and lifeless you don't have anything to gain from using pills. and fuck, most of us in this site weren't drug addict before we started using adderall. what will your life be like 3 years from now if you're stuck in that same cycle. don't get stuck. it's 100% possible to quit. yes, it turned me into a retarded zombie. constantly spaced out. 

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You can do this! The first few days are the worst and then it's getting through the cravings. Of course it's hard to get rid of those last scripts, but you will be thanking yourself when your sober and feeling like yourself again. Remind yourself you don't need a drug to feel good or accomplish things in your life! I'd suggest finding a good substance abuse counselor as well, that has helped me a lot. Be strong and positive- you can do this!

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You can do this!  Tear up the scripts and let it go.  Get plenty of snacks, take a long weekend (a week would be better) and just veg out.  You can quit, you just have to stop.  Tell your doc, tell you boyfriend, tell everyone.  They already know that you have a problem...trust me, they do.  It takes a long time.  After a year, I finally felt some motivation.  The weight is coming off slowly.  It can be done.  Now, go ROCK this!!

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Well I'm sad to say that not much has changed. I haven't been on here since I wrote this and I feel so ashamed reading it again. I'm going to give it another shot I flushed everything I had please prey for me I've never felt so hopeless.

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I am 15 days clean and can say this...I haven't felt this good in a year. The first week was borderline impossible- but this site really helped. I wasn't much different in that I tried quitting monthly for a year and couldn't make it stick- finally I just tossed the shit bc I couldn't trust myself. Give it a shot, weather the storm for a week and see how you feel. My experience may be different bc although I had a script- let's just say the exam wasn't all that thorough

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I totally can identify with so many parts of your story, especially at the beginning when I chuckled to myself thinking "wow I'll never let it get that bad".  Well guess what I did, and it got worse than I ever imagined it could.  

It's totally a horrible feeling in the world when it finally dawns on you that something is wrong, and you really can't stop yourself.

 

I've been in the scene you're describing for so so long.  The only way out for me was to get myself cut off.  It's the best way.

 

Our instincts and pride tell us to keep our despair and tears and anguish a secret.  But this works against you because it's pretty much impossible to stop through will power alone at this point.  Once your brain heals to about the 6 month point, you start to level out and are able to resist more, but until then you need help in the mean time because the irresistable cravings (like when you basically have split personality and you talk yourself out of quitting) show up within a few weeks like clockwork.

 

You WILL get your true self back, but it comes back gradually in stages.

 

Your first and most important step is to cut yourself off in whatever way to can.  Make sure it's not an option to go back later.  Because the cravings ALWAYS come back no matter how much you hate the drug.  I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting at my desk sobbing after binging through 20 pills in a day and a half, knowing that I am going to have to cope with the crash, and simply wondering how long it's going to be until I break down and start the whole fucking destructive cycle over again.

You can stop and you have come to the right place for support!

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