bagheena

I want to die.

9 posts in this topic

I live with my dad because I can't afford rent anywhere else; I pay him cheap rent. And he's had enough of my depression, always has. I can barely make myself get out of bed, and sometimes I can't even do that. He's spent every day of my recovery telling me how I'm hurting him by not doing things, that I'm lazy, that I'm worthless. Once he stood over me while I was crying in bed and promised to make me even more miserable than I already was. That if I don't start doing things and stop stressing him out and stop making the entire house darker, he's going to throw me and my shit onto the street without hesitation. He's "had enough" of my attitude.

Today as I was leaving for work, he told me that I need to "stay away, leave and just stay away," he doesn't want me here. He's sick of me.

I'm sick of me. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of having to struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I'm sick of being told I'm worthless for it. I want to die. I want everything to end. I can't take this shit anymore, and I'm not going to. I would have already ended it, but I can't find a painless way to kill myself. I think I want to OD on something, but I don't have anything to OD on. I have access to a gun, but I'm afraid I won't hit my brain stem and then I'll be forced to live an even shittier life.

I hate being alive.

Maybe I'll get over this. I don't know if that'll be possible when I'm sleeping in my car, but maybe I will. I don't know. I'm just sick of it all.

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Don’t do it! Your Dad loves you no matter how mad or cranky he sounds. Try to give him some space for awhile.

I had someone close in our family commit suicide and I can tell you it leaves so much pain behind in everyone. Your life has a purpose and you deserve to live it.

I can’t tell you how to get over your lows from adderall however I have faith with time things will get better for you. Lows like this do pass. Prayers to you

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Don’t do it, I had the exact same thoughts when I started recovery. I wanted it all to end too but I didn’t do it. It was fucking brutal but I made it and so can you. Just one day at a time, focus on the little moments where you don’t feel like shit and they will help you. Get outside and just walk around the block. Ince you’re outside, our perspective will change and you will realize that ou know this life, you can live this life. 

I know it all seems meaningless but that’s not the point. The point is to not give up, there is something you have to live for. It will come to you if you give it time. Recovery is the hardest thing you will ever go through in this life, I’ve heard people with cancer say it was harder than that! It’s harder than boot camp, more painful than a kidney stone and tougher than any breakup I’ve ever been through and I’ve been through some rough ones. But you will make it if you just keep on going.

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Kiona, You have value.  You have worth.  I saw you on here not long ago lifting someone up out of a difficult situation/state of mind.  That right there is tangible evidence of your worth and value.  Your father should not be saying those things to you because they are not true.  Please do not repeat those negative words to yourself - ever.  Replace it with positive self-talk, even if it sounds strange at first.  Keep practicing positive self-talk until it sounds normal.  I second the go outside and walk suggestion.  Walk briskly for at least 20 minutes.  Longer if possible.  If you don’t want people to see you, go when the sun is setting, or before it rises. The walk will release endorphins that will make you feel better.  Even if it’s just a little better. It’s a start.  I wish you had some other place to sleep tonight. You need space away from your Dad.  Even if it is just for a night or two. 

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i'm really sorry to hear about your dad's behavior in all of this- that sounds like a terrible situation, and i agree that you need some space. but at the same time, living in your car doesn't sound like the right kind of space, and if you can't afford anywhere else, you may have to work towards improving the relationship. i don't recognize suicide as an option- what you need is time right now. time for your brain to adjust, time to sort things out in your life. being dead is the opposite of having time.

so instead let's think about some things you can do to improve your situation:

  • is he aware that your depression is actually a result of adderall withdrawal? is he educated on PAWS, and what a typical recovery period would be like?
  • more than anything else, it sounds like he's frustrated with not knowing how to help you. have you two visited a doctor or therapist together? maybe he needs to hear from a professional that the depression is not in your control, nor his. 
  • failing that, if he's not willing to understand, then it sounds like you need to cut ties, as painful and terrible as that sounds. maybe a deal: give you a few more months at home, then you're out of the house no matter what happens? again, all you need is TIME right now.

just remember, no matter how shitty your Dad or anyone else is to you, you have a family here on this board that totally gets it. (:

 

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remember this? i was SUPER impressed by this- and a little jealous honestly lol. if you have the discipline and will power to WRITE A BOOK, you can absolutely fight your way out of this depression.

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Hope she is OK... It’s been almost 24hrs from her post and no sign of her checking in... I hope it was just a bad moment and she found some support and is alright. 

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On 2/11/2018 at 5:09 PM, Kiona said:

I live with my dad because I can't afford rent anywhere else; I pay him cheap rent. And he's had enough of my depression, always has. I can barely make myself get out of bed, and sometimes I can't even do that. He's spent every day of my recovery telling me how I'm hurting him by not doing things, that I'm lazy, that I'm worthless. Once he stood over me while I was crying in bed and promised to make me even more miserable than I already was. That if I don't start doing things and stop stressing him out and stop making the entire house darker, he's going to throw me and my shit onto the street without hesitation. He's "had enough" of my attitude.

Today as I was leaving for work, he told me that I need to "stay away, leave and just stay away," he doesn't want me here. He's sick of me.

I'm sick of me. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of having to struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I'm sick of being told I'm worthless for it. I want to die. I want everything to end. I can't take this shit anymore, and I'm not going to. I would have already ended it, but I can't find a painless way to kill myself. I think I want to OD on something, but I don't have anything to OD on. I have access to a gun, but I'm afraid I won't hit my brain stem and then I'll be forced to live an even shittier life.

I hate being alive.

Maybe I'll get over this. I don't know if that'll be possible when I'm sleeping in my car, but maybe I will. I don't know. I'm just sick of it all.

Yo Kiona, I'm up for talking whenever you are. I have suicidal thoughts every so often. They're a part of me. It's my brain wanting to opt out.. let go.. evade responsibility and be free at last. But, you must realize - as I learned to - that these thoughts are just that, thoughts. Mental perturbations that occur whenever my life feels like it's in free fall. They're not representing some grand realization that my life is worthless and I'd be better off dead. Your dad said things he probably immensely regrets now. We all say those things sometimes to people we love. Give yourself a week to reconsider. Talk to someone first. 

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Quitting this drug is no joke pray for a day we find something to help ease this process. Kiona hope your doing ok a lot of people on here willing to talk to you message anyone of us. 

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