Motivation_Follows_Action

All due respect... I don't think you're quite there yet. Give it 14 days at least. And stop paying such close attention to it.... changes will happen slowly but surely... for me it there was never a dramatic realization that wellbutrin was "working" but more of a forgetting some of the shitty ways I used to feel. Congrats on relaxing. Based on your example, I am getting ready to go for a long run. It's a beautiful day in NYC!

neversaynever, wow. I find myself wanting to know where you lived and hoping it was nearby so I could help... cook meals, look after your kid, whatever was needed. I AM SO IMPRESSED... I'm no pharmacist either, btu I too have never heard of anyone admitting their own problem to the chemist. He sounds like a good dude, maybe you could ask him for advice on how to get through; have him give you some free supplements etc. People have a genetic predisposition to want to help... you should ask, at least. Hold on to the knowledge that you have successfully done this before.. that it DOES get better. Think about all the good things you have ahead of you -- a sense of humor, being able to enjoy other people, go to bed at night knowing you've been in control of most things in your life (we are never in control of everything, as I am still trying to learn!). Remember: today is a new day with no mistakes in it.

Kyle, ok my bad it doesn't actually explicitly say our neural pathways will be permanently fixed (or damaged beyond repair) by taking wellbutrin ; but from what I have read, it seems to indicate that a) indicate that it is safe for long term use -- i.e. being on it for a long time will not preclude you from coming off it eventually and returning to your normal state (hoping it's healthy enough that you'd want to return to it; sometimes depression is life-long-ishly chronic); the effects of it will last beyond the length of time that you took the drug; and c) the drug sometimes doesn't work for some. I have a feeling that you're hinting at this question (tell me if I'm wrong): is wellbutrin too much like adderall, in that it targets dopamine release and is a mood enhancer/antidepressant? And the answer is, well, yes and no. Yes it does act as a dopamine and norepenephrine reuptake inhibitor, so there will be more access to dopamine in your brain... that's what it's supposed to do. But no, it's not like adderall in just about every other way. It is not addictive, its half life is much greater, and there are no (significant) withdrawals if you come off it. Wellbutrin is not like other antidepressants, and it's not like other "uppers" like speed, x, or coke. I sound like a wellbutrin sales rep! Actually I am glad you asked because I realized I have been on it for so long and I've never really asked myself the question because I didn't want to know the answer if the answer was negative... wellbutrin has been such a godsend for me. I am a chronic depressive and I think of it like this: if my brain either doesn't produce enough dopamine or doesn't know how to access it, then I need medicine. I may need it for life, so what. Hypothyroid patients need to take thyroid medication for life, etc etc. Incidentally, did you know some guys use it as a workout supplement? There's a whole bunch of other boards about that stuff as I'm sure you know. Anyhow, I am seeing my psych next week and she is also a neurospsychopharmacologist, so I will ask her. Will let you know! PS. Falcon, I like the new sign-off... ex-adderall-user.. very nice!

Ta da! I found your answer. If there are no sides of long term use (that I know of at least), then why are you concerned about taking it? http://stahlonline.cambridge.org/prescribers_drug.jsf?page=0521683505c09_p53-58.html.therapeutics&name=Bupropion&title=Therapeutics

neversaynever. Tell us your plan. I really fear you're going to relapse unless you have a plan for how you're going to allow youself to rest, especially during Christmas? You know what you're in for... don't be dumb and set yourself up for failure! We are here to support you just let us know what YOU are doing to support you.

You came back! Congratulations for doing that and getting through day one. You're at the beginning of recovery. I've learned so much through this forum and site, mostly from people who are here every day. If you feel up to it, read about PAWS and the supplements - I'm a skeptic of vitamins etc but put that aside when I realized it couldn't hurt, and now I have bottles of vitamins and supplements filling up an entire shelf on my bookshelf in my study. Also I find that the act of taking a pill was for me, at least in the first few weeks, somehow replicating the habit of pill popping. I have found that keeping the rituals around drug use but turning them in to positive versions of the same. InRecovery and Quitonce kept saying to me in the first 2 weeks... go easy on yourself...go easy on yourself... and honestly, (no offense guys), I thought they were lazy. I tried to start a new gym routine, and I felt great the first 2 days... I still don't know why... but the end of the first week was when it really hit. All I wanted to do was sleep, eat, and have sex. So ride the waves with us, check in, ESPECIALLY when you're feeling crappy. I wish I had learned about this forum earlier; I was hospitalized for attempted suicide 3 weeks after I quit,because I had no idea what I was going through and didn't realize I was just at the lowest point of physical withdrawal. People here would have been like, duh, of course -- you're going to feel shitty; your brain hates you for taking away its fun juices (technical term ha ha). Hang in there, what a great Christmas present you're giving yourself -- the beginning of the rest of your life back. And hopefully your friends and family won't mind if you take A LOT OF NAPS through the holidays....

Want to know how buproprion (Wellbutrin) works? Put your neuropsychopharmacology hat on: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC514842/ (but it still doesn't answer your question... I am googling this one but I think Cassie may be right; why hasn't there been research on the ability for the brain to restore normal neurotransmitter activity AFTER drug cessation? Then again, I guess the answer is in the question; it's not in Teva's best interest to find out what happens after you stop buying and taking their drug...) Incidentally, during this little research party I've been having this morning, I discovered that in October 2012, the FDA recalled generic Wellbutrin 300mg XR because it didn't work... and hadn't been for 4 years... I guess the message here is keep up to date on what your drug company is doing. The FDA is a joke.

Thank you; I didn't know that about #3. And interesting cocktail in there re the 5hr energy+redbull+tyrosene... not sure I want to try it as I might find it TOO enjoyable. Everything in moderation as Falcon would say... but never say never.

Our Friend the FALCON Congratulations in advance for reaching day 90, I think it's around now? If I am counting my days correctly? Maybe I'm a day or two early... but... I just wanted to let you know... You've been and continue to be an inspiration to me and I lap up every piece of advice you give. If it weren't for this forum I'm almost certain our paths would never have crossed and I would have been a poorer person for it. When you graduate 90 day adderall free university, I will be having a little virtual toast in your honor. Go, the FALCON. You rock.

Sky: your post made me smile, I had to read it twice. Sometimes you really nail it... I remember you gave similar advice when I was on this forum complaining about my dad, which was -- stop thinking about things you have no control over and be at peace with the way you handled things in your own heart. Cassie: you mean i have another 6 months of this crap?! Well I'm glad I gave up when I did then, otherwise I'd be looking at even more time off from my smarts and good judgment. InRecovery: Thanks. It means a lot coming from you. All: I'll let you know what happens, and either way, I can chalk it up to good interviewing practice I guess. I have to stop flagellating myself.

Hey Gonzo, I think I can relate to that feeling... "once an addict always an addict". My father was and is an alcoholic, as was his father before him, and I have struggled with one addiction or another most of my adult life, its just some addictions are more socially acceptable and some have nicer byproducts (ie workaholism!). But it's still addiction, and you said it yourself, ruins your relationships, takes over your life, has negative downstream impacts on your ability to cope with life. Addiction is part of who I am as a person, I have to learn to accept that, let the gremlins have their say and then give them the day off and get on with it. Easier said than done (see other post I put on the board today!). I've also been to a lot of therapists in my life and the best, most effective therapist I ever had reminded me that if you take something away, you have to replace it with something else. What could replace adderall for you that might be less damaging to your mental and physical health? I'm not saying you have to immediately switch addictions, but it's worth being realistic.

I am having a tough time today and need some encouragement. I had an interview which I thought went really well (and adderall free! despite some serious cravings)... whatever the outcome it is good to know I did it all myself therefore I can take all the credit or blame, depending. I'm just having a really hard time reading between the lines of what people tell me. Towards the latter part of my adderall addiction I would automatically assume that there was always some evil subtext to what people told me (it was the paranoia I know) but honestly, sometimes I was right. Sometimes people didn't want me to succeed. Sometimes people smile to your face and then cut you off at the knees. The thing is, now I'm off it, I don't know when or how to trust my own interpretation of situations. For example, my interview today, I thought, went well. I was "myself" (I think), I got a good sense of what is needed for the role and I know I could do the job. Thing is at the end, the hiring manager said, "well I'm sure you want to think about it and so do we, so thanks for coming in and have a great holiday". Nothing negative, but definitely nothing positive like "we'll be in touch" or what the next steps would be Now I'm racking my brain about what I could have said that could have turned him off... why he would be so opaque... what it all means. I am sure I must have screwed up somewhere. I just don't know when in this whole bloody process of quitting you start to get your ego back again (in the classical, Freudian sense). I want to believe in myself, dammit!

Oh and then there is that tension in your shoulders that you always get when you take adderall and try to concentrate on work (use the keyboard, look down to study or read something). Sometimes I still get that as kind of a muscle memory thing.... weird... I didn't used to bite my cheek but the difficulty swallowing thing brings back that horrible memory for me of the night it all came to a screeching, cataclysmic end. I was at a work dinner, lots of "important" (hmph) people around, and the set menu was steak. I tried to force myself to eat it, but I chewed, and chewed, and chewed and just couldn't swallow it! Everyone was watching. I ended up eating only the mashed potato and ice-cream; people were talking about it, I knew it. But you reminded me of yet another thing... mouth ulcers! One time I took a bunch of adderall so I could work overnight on a 16 hour flight home. Planes are already dehydrating, and of course I was working so hard I didn't have enough to drink (except a couple of glasses of wine of course). By the time I landed I could hardly speak because my mouth was so full of ulcers. Yeah, that was fun... And finally, I found this! I've been searching around looking for an explanation of the memory loss thing, this is the best I've seen (unless someone can point me to something more in-depth). Hurray for neuroplasticity!

I remembered another thing! I used to seem to hold on to things for no reason. Not metaphorically but actually I would find that I'd walked 3 blocks with a piece of trash in my hand because I'd either forgotten it was there, or my muscles got stuck in that position of holding the thing and kind of didn't want to let go, or something. Did this happen to anyone? I wonder why...

I've been meaning to ask 3 questions about the above so I'll bundle them in bullets to be all fancy and succinct. I must be getting my corporate groove back 5 hour energy: cheating or not cheating? I'm getting dependent... as in, I need it more than coffee and buy 2-3 whenever I'm out. It totally gets me going in the morning. L Tyrosene: does this have an appetite-suppressant effect? I'm noticing some interesting sides now that I know how to take it: dry eyes, slight dizziness, definitely suppresses hunger... does it do that for anyone else? L Phenylalanine (sp): I've heard Tyrosene and Phenylalanine go together like chocolate and peanut butter. Any thoughts here? I'm taking it together but I'm not sure if it is helping Thanks!

Hi Debra, This forum is totally. frickin. awesome and you have no idea how many hours I've spent here, poring over people's stories, struggles, figuring out who's made it and who dropped off the face of the earth; how people have experienced life through recovery and stayed strong. I remember that feeling of first beginning to laugh again; it kind of took me by surprise because it was almost like I didn't know I'd lost it, until it came back. It was like an old friend who'd returned... my sense of humor. I actually spent 30 mins on the phone today giggling with a friend and I can tell you the endorphins (or whatever) released from that were about as good as any high from adderall ever was. Stay strong... it's worth it in the long run. And don't worry about what your family thinks. Swim in your own lane.

Yes absolutely. My hairdresser asked me because he was so shocked, whether I'd been through a period of extremely high stress. It grows back, I hope. Actually, does it? Cassie or anyone, are there any supplements you'd recommend here?

I think the only time I remember NOT feeling connected to my own body was when I was in college and was drinking, smoking weed and inhaling nitrous oxide. But that was more like a hallucination I think Congrats on getting through 5 weeks! It sounds like you and I may have had similar experiences... I was on the same amount as you (and YES THAT IS A HELLA adderall for a woman (assuming you are one)); and I gave up about 8 weeks ago. It gets better! I was very scared of how foggy I felt in the first few weeks (when I fist started posting here), scared of my emotions and whether to trust them, I went through really deep depression and I haven't said it on this board before but I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation for a few days, about 3 weeks in. Try the supplements recommended on here, they really help; and I have heard Bikram yoga really helps too... I'm not a big yoga person as I like to listen to music when I exercise, but anything that makes you sweat and stretch and use your body will probably get you one step closer to "feeling in it"! Let us know how you get on...

Yes, absolutely. You reminded me that I felt a bit spacey for a few weeks when I first started taking it, but I thought it was because I was also giving up smoking at the time. Be patient, dude! No antidepressant is going to work as fast as adderall or tylenol... it's your BRAIN... be gentle with it

I don't know about the fish oil and 5-htp 100 mg (in fact I don't even know what that is... can anyone enlighten me?); but as advised by people here, L-Tyrosine should be taken on a completely empty stomach while B vitamins should be taken with food. While we're on the topic, B-12 has been fantastic for me as an energy booster (hello, 5 hour energy!).

It's been my savior; I'm on 300mg daily. I have absolutely no side effects nowadays because I've been on it for 8 years; but at the beginning I remember dry mouth, vertigo, loss of appetite & insomnia (sounds familiar actually now I think of it :-)). Also I forgot to take it for a while and I had no idea how much it was helping me until I came off it - I fell very quickly in to a pretty deep depression. Like all antidepressants, you won't feel any lasting impact until probably 2-3 weeks in (they say give it 6 but I saw improvement in 3). Be patient! Do you know this site? I like the way it's written and there's some pretty interesting/easy to digest info that I think is pretty accurate. http://www.crazymeds.us/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Meds/Wellbutrin Good luck!

Hey guys, This probably makes you feel like I'm stalking you. I'm not, I promise. It's just that quit-once and InRecovery your stories are so compelling, I wanted to see where they all began. inRecovery, the link where you posted your original story is no longer active? I'm wondering if you could post it on the front page thingy along with quit once, along with the stories that are there when you first sign in. I'm sure they are remarkable stories; not least because they are stories of COMPLETE RECOVERY but as you follow this community, and continue to help others, they serve as a testament to what is possible if you admit your addiction, take the time you need to recover, and slowly rebuild your life. Thank you again for saving my life.

Michelle, How long have you been clean? And how much were you abusing? The feeling of being numb while on adderall is really common. I haven't personally experienced the "coming in to my own body" like you have since quitting, but I do feel more like myself, if that makes sense. Ashley once said on this forum, which was very wise, that during recovery, your body is going to start "allowing" you to experience emotions that you haven't felt for a long time... empathy, sadness, connections with people... these feelings are strong and may catch you by surprise because you haven't felt them for so long. Also I am no expert on amphetamine psychosis - I learned about it from this forum - but I wonder if that has something to do with your experiences... it can last longer than your amphetamine use/abuse.

Sorry Mickey, but I'm going to call you on it. You're contradicting yourself. If you want to quit, you have to PLAN to quit, take the time you need to recover, and never plan ever to take it again. Adderall is an extremely addictive drug - stating the obvious - and the body builds tolerance very quickly. Even taking a "break" for months after being addicted to high doses is not going to do much, as your body has to begin producing and releasing normal amounts of dopamine BY ITSELF, and it hasn't been doing that for years. Do your brain a favor and give it a little bit of a break.... allow it to heal itself rather than going through a punishing ordeal of flooding it with too much dopamine then starving it altogether.

Hi blesbro, While your story is so terribly sad, I wish I could say it was unusual. It's not. Read the other stories on here and there are chapters upon chapters of similar stories: people who were smart, educated, popular, confident... people who really didn't need anything at all other than a good look in the mirror to help them realize how good they had it. Well, I guess now you've had a chance to see that in hindsight. I know too well that feeling of just wanting my old self back, I have been clean 54 days today and I can tell you what people say here is right: it is a hard slog, give yourself time, it's going to take longer than you thought. But just this morning I woke up thinking to myself that I wasn't saddled with an overwhelming depression or thoughts of heaviness, sadness or confusion about who I was or where I wanted to be. Sure, I am jobless and that's scary; but I know at the end of the day I am going to be ok. The reason I tell you this is because you are too, if you stick with it. Preparing for your coming down is a good thing. Tell your close friends -- so they know to be prepared for seeing you at your lowest -- stock up on supplements and vitamins (even if you're not a believer, the placebo effect is a real thing too, so either way you're winning!), don't try to plan to do too much. I can hardly remember anything of the first month... What you're about to do is the bravest thing you've probably ever done. You won't regret it, although at first it will suck; and every day clean is a day closer to getting your old self back. But this time it will be a better than old self because it will be one who has learned what it's like to be at the bottom; and hopefully you'll take some lessons away. One final thing: you're a great writer. If you feel up to it, keep writing about your experiences through the journey. It has helped me a lot, maybe you too. And please don't go away from this forum like so many others! As sky said, so many people write here and then never come back. Look, even if you relapse, at least we know you are still alive. I was about to say good luck; but you don't need it. You just need time, patience and sleep.