Heather67

I know....Facebook is the censored version of my life. Which in most avenues in life I believe is unamerican....but the adderall stuff especially the withdrawl... is not meant for the squeemish...or my children and any.of their friends. On it you'd be dazzled at the painstakingly frosted cookies I hooked up the 4th grade bake sale with...all wrapped in cellophane with some gorgeous ribbon tying my 4 in the A.M cookie Bender all together....but off it now I can't tell you ON F.B how I teared up at the store today when a nice elderly lady smiled and gave my carriage the right a way and I wanted to sit her down and emotionally vomit my story of addiction at her and thank her for the smile????? WOW!!!!!! IS. RIGHT.

That is true. Last time out I'd see all the moms at my daughters daycare with Vera Bradley from head to toe. .and thought " if I only fuckin accesorized better I'd have my shit together like them" a. Few of those moms would become close friends that I got to know when THEY came to 12 step meetings I was chairing. Go figure huh. I'm still in touch with them....they've been waiting for me this time. So I am noting that!!!! Thanks for the reminder.

Hahaha...yeah you guys don't have the hair thing but I know the hardships of quitting are the same for us all. I got up and made my boy some real French toast...clean up duty and all. The desire to enhance my lack of motivation will subside with each day...and like you all have said...there is no right time...cuz strait head on into Christmas would never have been mine...but I have proven I don't make the best choices...so I need to just roll with what is put in front of me. Millions of people get through a day without a crutch... I can too. Hope you had a great holiday falcon ...thanks for the continued words of support!!!

Hey Ashley. ..blur is a great word!!! That is what every day is...a hazed out,dazed out ,no desire to function or give a shit what anyone thinks about it. I laugh thinkin how much time you could spend on just your hair when you're all jacked ... so not the case now. Thank God for hair clips. And I don't really remember where much of my other bling is currently located ..I just try to remember that my body and my well being really hate when I drown them in adderall ....and it takes awhile for them to ummmmmmm, forgive me for it.

Merry Christmas ...I think. Feeling it big time today. But I'm not anyone's clock so that's a good thing. I have that F'd up anxiety working yet it induces not a bit of motivation. Have looked like shit this entire holiday. Maybe at the week mark on Friday ill feel a lot better. But even if I don't there's no more adderall for me...that's all there is to it. So ill keep rambling on.

Still feeling super out of it....not at all like the me on speed and not like the me I don't even remember yet. Just getin thru in my sweats...and so glad everyone's on the same casual Christmas ...not for the same reasons as me. But ill take it. The leisurely pace that is. And a medium rare tenderloin tomorrow ....friends and family that are always there for me....its my job to ask for help. I hope as the clock ticks down you are all enjoying your own holiday situations and traditions....its gonna get better if we let it.So enjoy and be safe and be thankful for what we have been given on yet another day.

Hahaha...I live in a little beach.town in Rhode island called.Westerly. and funny that u mention it cuz he told me to come and talk to him on Friday but I had no way to get there...so it will be tomorrow ...he wants to help and I want him.to know how I got where I am...and thank.him for saying he was proud of me. I cried when a pharmacist said this to me. Things happen for us all in strange and unique ways....if it hasn't happened for someone on here yet...I hope it will. If it has...I thank you for probably sharing that with me already. And hell yeah....ill take some meals cooked up for me...LOL. but I'm doing OK I think. I have friends that have checked on me and ill keep going.

Yup,yup...we're into day 3 and I'm like a walking zombie...dropping shit, light headed and jittery but not the kind I like. It is over for me...I have no resources or means and I will not seek any out. Due to the red flagging it would be useless anyway. And i am not willing to cross the johnny law line this time out. God gave me a warning and im taking it. So unless someone knocks on my door and says here's some addies for ya....its a. wrap. I know the drill...I did it before and went on to get 3 years clean off adderall. I once helped others with experience strength and hope like you guys are helping me. I have to keep it though...no one will hand that to me. I've seen both lives...the one with and the one without...without is much easier..less taxing and more rewarding. I can't be anything but an addict when I'm on it.. the sky's the limit without it. So hoodies up and im'a. Get through another day! !! Thanks to u all.

I have made it through day one with an insane headache and in bed all day but hanging in and pushing thru. My son is at his grams till Monday..then he'll be home with me and my mom and ill keep pushing my ass upright even in the official uniform of detox..sweats and a hoodie. I had a chain of events on Fri a.m that needed to happen...had to try the lost script route outta desperation...I was asked to call the pharmacist...which I did..he said"we have a problem heather..you have a few Dr 's".. I said " we don't have a problem ..I HAVE A PROBLEM AND IM AWARE IT MUST Stop" tryin to get thru Xmas. He said in 23 years no one he's confronted just owned it vs. Denying it. I said I'm an addict I don't want to be an asshole too. I have now been red flagged and I'm glad!!! There will be no legal action taken and this pharmacist is a cool dude who is doing what more of em should be and I respect that because I was at the end of the road. I've been there before so I'm trying to stare it down and accept defeat...go easy on myself and get a healthy life back for my son and myself...here come the tears...all I can do is post...read...take advice and know that each day is a step forward. Thanks to all of you for being where I've been and reminding me where I can go. Happy holidays.

I'm so stoked for you roxbury!!!! That you're in such a better place than when u first posted this. I have posted a lot but didn't quite know when my "ready" was going to be. Well,that'd be today. It was prompted by a definite shit happens for a reason chain of events. I am so fuckin scared of tomorrow ..the second day on for me is the worst..day one is a bit of residual and adrenaline Going thru Christmas with a 3 year old and w/d...what a cluster fuck!!!! But reading your post helps, you're in the early stages and you've stuck it out. Thanks for the update..I need all the inspiration I can get.

Yeah,that is the route ill have to plan on going. I am I'm touch with her often...funny bout the mom.thing. its the perfect drug for being superwoman. You will dazzle and amaze all with.your talents and obsessions. I'm constantly reminded of the the exhausting chase....already running my "holiday numbers " ...ya know ...taking a count and going "lets see, I've got nothing due for pick up this week ...these wont last...what am I hookin up.to not be comatose on Christmas . It'll wear you out! My brain hurts!

I was getin a visual of being at trader Joe's for my kale.....it makes perfect sense to do that , but damn I hate all that shit! When I've been off it all I do is eat and drink Pepsi. Thing is I have no desire to wash a dish after...so its like the crack house kitchen. The one thing that practically disappears though is cigarettes ...I smoke almost a pack a day...but even on day one w/ out meds and I may smoke 3 tops.

I hear ya on that one. I can't believe any human could do that with all sense of self and reason intact. Quite often it is discovers along the road of sign posts uncovered. Just unimaginable.

That's cool falcon...like I said if it works for ya..and it fuels the recovery....let it be. I had a 12 step deal first time around...and it literally turned my life around and taught me shit I had no clue about at 38 years old. I got away from it slowly with a new marriage and a baby and a job...got complacent ya know? And chose to let my addict thinking justify that it was the only choice I had to handle my extreme life.I had a decent test run in staying clean ...obviously I was missing something tho..or I wouldn't be facing starting over again. LOL. Thanks on the feedback too.

I am relieved that he went away,heroin is a whole other monster, the core of addiction may be the same for us all... but he was shooting an insane amount daily and it was still building ...two things I know...if I didn't have a date,July 21as the destination 1) I would not have lived like we were for 1 more day. 2) he wouldn't be in a cell, it'd be a casket. And I don't think prison will cure him, he'll have to do that, just like I have to do it. Re learn coping mechanisms, work the internal triggers only we know and seek help from others. When I got off aderall last time, my first husband handled the home front, the kids, he kept it together. But I'm him this time, I'm the glue and I don't have much experience in that arena. So I have to handle that and recovery and top it all off with a long and depressing withdrawl...I am scared to death.

Hey thanks you guys. All the things you say are things I would have ,actually... DID say to people who were just coming in and struggling. I had a totally different and simple life without the shit and I had gotten way past the point of even missing it, I knew people who took it and that was cool, I never sought it out. Till everything in the battle to keep my family intact, be two parents to our child..keep a full time waitress job, and all the house hold EVERYTHING, wasn't possible, not humanly anyway, enhanced. And my husbands heroin addiction hadn't given it all it had yet...cuz if ya think a house with an Addie Popper is bizarre, try that and a junky (no disrespect) both of us had a good few years of recovery before we got together too, so it was beyond "F" D UP that we were living the nightmare together now. I am greatful for my mother in law who took our son to her house for the months prior to my husbands sentencing .. it was ummm,extreme in our apt. I chose to stay, just to get my husband to that court house on July 21 2012..then he'd be on his own to do 'his personal work' and I would be without him to do mine. For a few years. After they took him and bail was returned and the day was over...I returned to what was once a happy place,a nice little home that we had worked our asses off to get into a month before our son was born..one Christmas when it was all decorated..we looked around and said "not bad for two screw ups." That day I came home..it told my story, it was in disarray with boxes packed,furniture stacked all half ass'd, holes in the walls, a half busted living room window and broken door hinges. It was addiction....his and mine. It did just what it did last time and what it will always do to people like us....strip you of everything. Now I have to focus on myself and my son and get a plan together and deal with life the way millions of others do,naturally.

I know that it is...but when such a tragedy occurs like the one in CT today it makes us all kinda assess things differently for even a little while. I have a choice to make mine better,those families can never do that again. A day that started out like just another day..has given way to a lifetime of days that will never be the same. I really need to get it together. Prayers to Newton CT.

Damn girl, I feel ya. Been there,done that,had over 3 years clean off it,and gotta do it again. The things you describe are relatable and pretty much the norm on mass amounts of it. I feel the hammer bout to come down on things and I'm trying to lay out a plan of attack cuz my son is only 3 and dads away for ummmm bout 4-5 years. This site is gonna be a great resource for us both ..can you do a rehab? Or intensive outpatient...oh yeah. .the new job tho,well I'm really wishing you the best with it,but your in a tough spot on it / or off it right now..the job may not survive. There's no detox off addies usually..anyway, but for me it removed all distractions. I'm sure some others on here with good time off it will give ya more than I can right now,but I felt for you,because I have felt it too. We all have. Get through it hour by hour ..hang in there!!

I have crazy high blood pressure, that's why I go to mental health appts. Vs primary care because they don't examine you and take a b.p. I have shown up as having an enlarged heart...not sure how much I have yet to get to the cardiologist. I have a huge tolerance for this stuff and my body didnt forget this time out either. I had been told make sure one of your kids can dial 911, its not a matter of if, its a matter of when.

Yup,its the second time. Except last time I was married to someone who could handle the kid situation while I.was gone to rehab...not this time. I'm supposed to be the glue in our broken little family,and stepping up to the plate without adderall seems like a hurdle the size of a skyscraper to get over. I've outed myself to drs. Before the last time...I hate what I feel.like on.em....but moreso.without em. My kid is 3,he can even get his own drink yet, and I'm useless not to mention severe depression ...this is not an excuse,its just a fact. I think I've read people on here talk about a 'planned quit' sorta,...I know my life will self destruct, ill get bagged for the drs. Or get busted for shoplifting,I don't want it to go like that..I didn't go back to meds thinkin it'd be different this time out...I knew I'd be a slave again. Its a really "f"d up.deal living at my moms too...she'll be all bent..... I do know there's no avoiding the shitty of what has to come ...I'm just rambling. Thanks for being my first reply. LOL

Hmmmm,seems we have some of the how to do recovery thing going???? Obviously there are maybe some "page one in the handbook" things as addicts we could adhere to, but its also a very individual thing. If you put it out in N.A that u keep a bottle of pills around,they'd be like "good luck with that" I have no willpower with adderall when it's in my possession, that's my key...not having it.in the first place. I think roxbury is just trying to get through the shit hour by hour like we all have, or will have to do. And No matter what ,when we "f" it up we fail ourselves..theres no hiding from that, I keep a 100% open mind and even if its not how I'd do it,high 5 dude just do it. especially at the beginning ..I stayed clean when I got out of rehab just because they said I wouldn't!!! The stats were that only 1 in 45 of us were gonna even put together 6 months...that's all I had to hear. I wasn't doing anything about why I WAS AN ADDICT IN THE FIRST PLACE,God no..I was white knucklin it baby..no life in that tho just temporary,gotta do the personal work. But even having done some of the work and having those 3 years that I said I'd never ever take adderall again either,well I'm an example of addiction knowing my weakness,but it knows when you think you're all good too, life is so good that it'll be different this time,yeah it wont. It is cunning,baffling and powerful.

Hey guys, of course its 1:30 a.m that I find this site..hahaha,and I want to get my whole story out in like 3 sentences because my brain is always faster than the rest of me,and also the fact that I am so stoked to have found you all. Google kept hooking me up with shit from like 5 years ago, I want and I NEED daily contact with people who are,...well,ME. So here goes...oh, my first time out with addies was back in 2003, my neighbors son was switched to ritalin and she said "here,see if these help with your focus issues,they were 10's...I took 1 and I had found my cure, for everything!!! Procrastinating, cleaning,returning phone calls, the marriage I didn't want to be in, the 3 kids who were really just being kids, I got it all done with "happiness" to spare, I never thought it would turn on me. Tolerance is the addicts arch Nemesis and it came fast, I was increasing and just adding a new Dr.to cover it, as years went by, I spent most days coming up with.plans,to either get the money for another co-pay or gas $$$, my ex-husband grew tired of the ridiculous, all consuming lies and cut off funding. I would steal, syphon gas from his riding lawn mowers, miss my kids bus when they got home from school,blow off their pediatric appts. For my own,get cuffed and put in a cruiser in my own driveway on a lovely Sunday morning for falsifying a script...all for Adderall. I was a mother a wife, I had the mini-van...it was all so estetically pleasing, yet I didn't want to get up and deal with any of it, and I had become bad at my own hustle,I was spent..I didn't really wanna quit but I could not maintain the quest. At 38 years old my life was beyond unmanageable, I went to rehab for 30 ish days.I was taking 30 -30m.g tabs when I left and was about 100 lbs. That was October 6th 2006...I would go on to speak that sobriety/clean date at an outrageous amount of meetings, I collected my chips/keytags,chaired meetings, lived and breathed that program that taught me simplicity and gratitude and a way to live. The initial w/d was brutal....sleep.sleep.sleep. no personality, no desire..blank,a shell. Not for the girl who could spend 2 days obsessing over one flower pot and how it should look. It took a long time to feel right without it, too long. I never wanted to feel it again but even with about 3 years of honest clean time after rehab....I am going to have to!!!! I am now 45 and living at my moms with my son who is 3, I have no job,no money,no car. I had them all but my sons father whom I married in 2009 went back to heroin and it leveled us all...as it took off, I chose to stay and had to pull the weight of us both,for a lonnnng time, I was so tired and I knew how I could through a life requiring so much of all I had already given...adderall. now I am pulling that weight while he does a 5 year bid in Massachusetts for an armed robbery,heroin didn't leave us much..nothing actually..i am with my son 24/7 and I am spinning daily and getting nowhere, I have a handful of drs this time, but it'll blow up, I pay for generic while I wait for insurance, I have to scheme to pay for those. I'm at 12 or so a day (30's) and have been for awhile. I feel like total shit w/in 3 hours of a rare day I don't have em. And I'm afraid of what's normal anymore,society,everything. How the fuck am I gonna do this you guys????? I'm the responsible parent! LOL. I'm gonna be homicidal,suicidal, depressed...and sleeping!!!!!