Heather67

Good points falcon....and it made me stop and wonder if one can kinda just "matter of factly" I guess ...or is it mandatory to have it suck the life blood outta you and leave you on the floor...isn't that addictions main goal??? I know for me it had to be the latter both times I quit legitimately ....I know the times I said...yeah,shits fucked up and I really should quit....I never did. Hmmm interesting! ...and yeah...run PATS run. LOL

How else do you categorize that feeling....every thing I would partake in I gave way more than I needed to...that was kinda the thing about it....you knew you were a slave to the pill...but atleast your brain was completely in love with every challenge you sent its way I am a horrible procrastinator by nature..and I am grateful that only a little over 3 weeks into the quit...I am by no means bed ridden...I have a 3 year old who interupts tasks that are already frustrating me... cuz that's what kids do,I get home from picking him up today and launch into full on kitchen mode to help my mom out..manage to get all the laundry in our room put away...run up and down basement stairs for this or that...fed the child ...its just the typical 5:00 p.m crazy hour that it is in many homes...and yeah....ummmm,nothing. Doing but no feeling any of it. Not really a sense of accomplishment...or a jazzed anything....just kinda. A 1 2 3 step...123 step ..ball change..repeat!! No sensation no feeling no nothing. Its weird and. Kinda hard to explain...hopeing some of ya know what I mean!!! And HELL YEAH BABY! !! GO PATS!!!LOL! !

Or death. A good friend of mine found his sons roommate dead in his bed late this afternoon. Overdose,appears adderall and perc 30's. They think his heart gave out. He was 23 years old.

True dat. Sky....the beginning is always gonna suck. I don't think anyone's gonna find away around it. Sometimes suck for longer than we want..but its the prevebial darkness to get to the light I suppose. It comes when you accept it under all circumstances.

I think a lot of threads can kinda go in that direction then come back. When it comes to relapsing ...I know it can happen to anyone at anytime and for any reason. Its a process...not an event. It often builds,I think tho really really fuckin hard as it is...you have to stay on the reasons not to use vs the reasons to use. I think we all give the most honest and heart felt advice that we possibly can and we certainly hope everyone can make it to the better life that adderall abuse is never gonna get ya. But we can talk or throw in a few jokes or stay stone cold serious about the thread...we can't keep anyone from using...especially if that process was in motion. This is just my opinion, kinda like guns don't kill...the finger on the trigger does. I think we were all quick in reacting on this thread like any other one. But I don't wanna stray any further. And apologies I've overstepped anything ...I think I'm just a little paranoid now...cuz I'm a freak

Awww,girl. Love you still !!! tho. I tend to think.this is/can go differently when that script is gone. Even if its taken by you ...tho that's up to you...but when it's gone. All your scenarios that you are encountering...will not be so easy to succomb to if they are not at your disposal....we want you to come to Vegas with us....but ya gots to be clean my girl. Lol. <3

Geneva!!!!, you said Geneva! !!! Holy shit....yous a fuckin supa star girl!"!!!!!! I wash a hash slinger at a deli where construction guys were the best tippers!!!! I got comments like I'll take a side of your ass with my lunch. Seriously dude??? And you're rolling yours up in places like Geneva! !! Good for you..that's awesome. I hope nothing I bring. Up sparks any of the wrong things in anyone reading any of my stuff tho ...I'm sure that's not the case here ...we can reflect on the strange bizarre fucked up. Crazy shit we did and say.but for the grace of somethin go us today...life is more relaxed today. I'd call malls and airports to report my purse missing just so when I called doctors with the same line of bullshit I could throw out a name of some nice old Guy that probably was no more than a parking garage attendant that could verify my story all "official" like I seriously thought I was untouchable. I have a story about my 3rd sons birth...that by far. Blows away any ridiculous thing I ever did...above and beyond.it took years for me to utter it to anyone outloud My son is Dylan is 9 now ...but when I found out I was pregnant I was using hard ...probably at the height a actually ..I had 2 kids already I could not handle...I was so Fucked up and I'm denial about the pregnancy...I did not want to go to any ob/,gun to be monitored...I continued using thru my entire pregnancy ...I gained like 3 lbs with him and could hide it with big sweaters to just to go pick up scripts...well I never went to a single pre natal visit with him...no one I'm my medical. Community knew I'd be showing up to deliver my kid ...so the day came when my water broke and ya can't turn that away at a hospital...I had my unsuspecting husband drop me at the e.r door told him to head home get some details wrapped up...this was our 3rd kid..we know the drill. I went in and concocted this elaborate story that my husband and I had temporarily seperated for a bit and I was I'm Florida and I didn't get my records.before I came back and yadda yadda...the doc on call delivered. Both kids before Dylan ..so he went with it....fast forward to giving. Birth...my husband and my mom were there...it was December 7th and snowing...WTF when in between. Contractions he says" this weather is a big switch from sunny Florida huh????" Jesus Christ I had the most academy award winning fake hang off the side of the bed screaming Contraction off my life.my son was small 5.6 oz but healthy thank God. He is a smart beautiful. Boy I had pulled it all off somehow yet again ...but I was beyond out of control

I had a.couple of those too back in the day...whenever one of em got the phone my hearing became almost deer like ....high alert indeed. If they were on too long I was already in go mode...I had a woman do the same thing...call the doctor and call me over ..I informed her the script was my property. She didn't agree and tore it up on a weekend....I had gotten it at an e.r too! !! Psycho I was, I told her I wanted to slit her throat......fuckin A I was deranged!!!! So glad those days are gone.

We take shit and put our own twist on it huh???? All cuz I'm wearing my dare shirt to Vegas We ain't right! !! Tho my kids would come home from school with the dare ribbons...and give em to me just cuz they gave me all their school stuff ...and my ex husband would say its ironic that they don't even actually know there mothers a pill popping junky . That sucked.

Oh my God ladies....I love you guys! ! Why don't we all live on the same town??? could you imagine...oh boyyyy!!, it was a good nite. I cried a few times but that's cool.my husband called 3 times before I left...he attended all those meetings too prior to the epic relapse...he's says' I feel like I'm puting you on the school bus for the first time,and please dress like a bum"....hahaha. awww..honey that's sweet. LOL but the last fuckin thing I need is another dude and all his baggage You are way mote than I can manage already. I'm fiercely loyal..if I day I won't do something..them I won't I said I'd be here when he gets out and I will...everyone's actions after will make the decisions. Easy as that. But as far as Friday mites or any free notes.. I'm not a big bar person...so I hardly ever do that..people just piss Me off and I tend not to be real quiet about it..Lol. plus its not really that cost efficient and I'm flat ass broke. I'd rather hang at someones place and do it..cook up some yummy food and just goof on shit. I'm a simple girl. But when I do go out its major and way to many shots of crown Ironic I just went to a.a huh??? It serves me well on the only substance I've encountered on an " I took the pills and then the pills took me basis " so I'm good with that Hugs to my girls!!!,

So my son is at his other grams till Sunday, a much needed break for me!!"! Since my evening is free amd its my first free time sans addies....good nite to hit a local meeting. The one I'm going to is huge. Bout 100-150 people. And when I had my 3 years I chaired that meeting. It was a year. Commitment to take it...I took it and completed my year ...and tonite the former chair is gonna get her 24 HR. Chip...coming back actually..they don't have a 3 week one. LOL I am not at all embarrassed nor do I have any shame about getting it...and no one will pass judgement...that meeting was a huge part of me. And walking up there ...I know I will see my.children's faces, my husband's ...the horrific past that we all endured and survived due to both of our addictions...and I'm finally and officially humbling myself...surrendering and doing my part to make it better for myself and for our family. I will cry...happy tears for a change. There was a little old man named Jerry pie who had 30 years of sobriety that was there every Friday nite...front row last seat. He always had the coolest things to share with me ..he and his wife would come to the deli I worked at for lunch. She was his everything ..he passed away a few months ago ..I did not attend because I was so fucked up...tonite I will get that chip and walk past that seat and thank him for always being there for me. I have huge anxiety but I need to fully engage the positive now...the past is just that now..you can really only control today...can't change the past,can't predict the future. So ima go represent you guys...thank you all for being there me. .

Most of em may or not but my quit 3 weeks ago.was backed by geting bagged by a pharmacist doing his job...he called the state of RI and the dude pulled my ummmmm,transactions and they were both like Jesus Christ. I know cuz I.stopped and saw that actually very cool pharmacist when I was grocery shopping and he says.." there's my girl " HAHAHA ...I'm going dude you make me laugh When he busted me I didn't deny it...and he respected that and its not the norm for them to see people like myself and Ashley and a small percentage of the addicted community....wanting to stop and owning it I've done the desperate excuse thing before and I felt and I'm sure looked like an asshole....I don't wanna be that girl anymore!! LOL

Hahaha...Ashleeeeeyyyy!!! You the best girl!!! Way to put yourself and what you've worked so hard for front and center. Maybe ya just caught em off guard...I know there use to us crazies causing a ruckus and all .."what the fuck you mean its too early to fill!!!!" But I think they shoulda said hey that's great that you're thinking that way Ashley ...oh well that's me!!! Fuck them haters ...tell me where they at!!!! LOL. Hugs and hi-5's sista...you are going to Vegas with us right!!! We gonna tear that town up!!! Hahaha.

That sucks...but it is day 3...its gonna get better. Yeah I brought em everywhere...when i waited tables...there was a hefty bunch loose in the apron pocket...hey here's your check folks, and and a couple addies bounce of there table...no! !! That never happened ...I protected them from injury or mistreatment at all costs! !!! If I went anywhere I did the pocket thing.. Way less obvious to get one and take it when I could than going and digging out the bottle and trying to inconspicuously open it. Lol Stay strong this weekend!!!!!!

Hey hey girl!!! This goes back in this post about your work weekend being real tough ...I know you have em at home as your security thing...well..I'm sure you've thought of this...but don't.bring the security stash to work with you. Leave those fuckers home. I'm just thinkin that if you can hang at home without em and get over the party after work thing without em...you're gonna feel pretty strong and souped girlie...that'll be good with school firing up again soon.

Ima wear my D.A.R.E T-shirt!! LOL

Hell yeah girl!!, cause i quit adderall ,don't think I quit anything else!!!

Tapering is a foreign word to me when it comes to addies. So is gradual,moderation,taking as prescribed and controlled!!! I want it all,and I want it now. To each his own quit schematics... but for me happiness was a full plastic amber bottle....misery and doom was an empty one. There is no in between...never has been one and never will be one

Waronwar...video meeting,,, I love it!! Skype meetings ....party line meetings!!!, OK Wich of the.computer Einsteins on here is gonna make this shit GO!!!! LOL. Wont be me...I didn't even get a pic of my pills going over the falls so to speak....so I can't be in charge! !!, hahaha. Glad your perspective was able to shift a bit by our constant coaxing....its so tough I know ...but you've got a month and that is fucking massive girl!!!! So Skype hi-5 and hugs out to you!!!!

And the longer your on it the more damage its gonna do...the more your tolerance will grow ...and the more its going to want to keep control of ya girl....there fore the quits are going to follow its commands.....HARDER!!! it sucks Debra and I know maybe it'd be better of we all could hang at your place and get ya through the long hours...but ya gotta post your ass off bout anything your thinking. Ya gotta tell this shit that you're done and if ya don't have energy to use your body....use that mind to keep it at bay. Hang in there Debra ....its not worth it anymore. You've almost got a month.

I know you care babydoll!!! Hahaha.

Hahaha ...I seriously didn't even have time to think about properly preparing my case,I eas so fucking dumbfounded..I had pretty much convinced myself I done a total sweep of this place back in the day of using that none would ne here unless I obtained them. I got pretty freaked a week ago when I saw a flash of orange In my bottomless purse and it turned out to be a Fuckin apple-jax that fell out my kids snack bag....wow!!!! So this was completely out of nowhere. I have spent sooooo much of these 3 weeks resigning myself to the fact that its over. No matter what. Life will be the chase,the paranoia,the guilt..the chaos, the illegal manuevers,and laying in bed at nite with my 3 year old across the room in his bed,and his father in jail,and I'm doing nothing to hold our life together ,trading his future for a fucking feeling. The stats are against him already due to addiction and genes and having a parent I'm the corrections system....who am I to take more. I'm selfish in no other way and at no other time than when I'm using. So to answer your question quit once...hadn't thought at all about how I'd handle that...my self induced.brain washing kicked in I guess. When it comes to the orange wonders...I'm now the little engine that can't. LOL challenge has strangely in life been my fuel when I harness it as such...it. can take your ass out ...but only if you think it can. Lot to be said for mind over matter.

So as I've mentioned too many times...I moved into my dear mommas apartment when my husband was sentenced, some of my things are all over her garage still...so while looking for some paper work...I had to move a box of sweaters and assorted winter stuff...so I figured why not go through that to....first hoodie out the box and I hear something hit the concrete....a sound of only one thing ....a pill,well 2 actually hitting the floor, a sound I'd know about 2 fuckin states away. I'm thinkin its either excedrin or addies. Well unless excedrin is orange these days...yeah ummm...WTF!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!! AND JESUS CHRIST!! I'm just paralyzed staring at them...then I said out loud "ain't a Fuckin lot 2 of you could do for me then....and certainly not fuckin now" picked em up went upstairs and flushed them. I watched them spin all the way down,thinkin about how many times I desperately searched every piece of.clothing I owned that had Fuckin Pockets,dumped drawers,flipped cushions, rummaged old purses,moved appliances and shook thousands of empty script. bottles, just hoping I'd find one. I didn't for a second think of keeping them....I exhausted my own game and had every reason to quit,so taking them would make me so fuckin pissed off at myself,internal guilt is almost impossible for anyone else to fix away for you...the shit stays with you and eats at you. I never thought the last 3 weeks would be as do-able as they have been and I'm spoo not gonna fuck with that! !!

Rick...dude you made my week. That was funny. Yup I got a shit ton o kids...well. 4 actually. And addies killed my motocross carreer too!!! Hahaha. Noooo!!! Kidding. Glad you're still hanging with us!!

I must figure out how ya'll doing this block off part of a post thingy!!! Hahaha..thinkin i should chill on the Ice coffee. And calm my jazziness...people will think I'm back.on the shit again!!! Lol!!"and ya know motivation...if your still in Brooklyn ...that's not all that far from R.I...HAHAHA. everyone knows once you clear new haven....you're golden. So don't be alarmed if.you're bushes are moving around....it might be me"!!! Checkin off personality and twisted sense of humor on my got it back list!!!