Heather67

Then you now choose to use or not to use...each day. Control your own destiny when it comes to adderall...do not let it control you. Best of luck to you....you will survive even the worst of days.

As hard,hard, hard.as it is...and its damn fuckin hard I know cuz I've been there....but in the face of adderall,cocaine ...percocets,crack or heroin...just this hideous war on drugs in general....it will always be our choice. ..to use or not to use...To be an addict or not. That pain for me, is solely self chosen. In the face of triggers,chaos,bad days...death ...financial ruin...I and only I can choose to navigate even the worst case scenario without adderall and I will get through it....or I can handle it with a pill....then that worst case scenario will still remain and I have just multiplied all the bullshit by 100. That's just my opinion on my life anyway.

Awwww,quit once...you made me smile!!! And snow indeed dude....I dug out yesterday venturing out on the road soon. No one is handing me anything...I've accepted that. And expecting anyone to do so will only breed resentment....so I am on the road to self sufficiency....its better that way...and I wont be fronting under the cover of adderall....so foots of snow be damned....we got this my friend!!!! Thanks so much for your words.

Yuppers Cassie ....make that list of the bad is a great idea....and remember anything you think is good.....is you buying your own bullshit!!! ITS FAKE....PSUEDO...AND HAS ABSOLUTELY.NOTHING TO DO WITH.HOW GREAT YOU ARE. HOW U CAN ACE A TEST...CLEAN A HOUSE ...OR BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY...ITS A COMPLETE FASADE!!!!! YET WE SELL IT AS HOW WE ARE ....REALLY. ITS AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE OVER PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY MUCH BETTER THAN WE ARE WHEN WE USE. NO WAY TO CANDY COAT THAT SHIT. SORRY.THATS NOT HOW I WANNA PUT MY HEAD DOWN ON A.PILLOW AT THE END OF A DAY....THOUGH I DID FOR YEARS...DONT PLAN ON RE LIVING BEING THAT SHALLOW.

The gin and a cigarette to clench between the shaking fingers of..."whewwwwww that was a close one!!!!!" Good for you girl. Little pushing....much as it sucks is more rewarding than any bullshit pill. I bet the scrubbing bubble dudes were happy to be all jacked for a few hours tho!! LOL

Ahhh,Fort Minor...Mike Shenoda is my boy..love Linkin Park ...my kids do too,that's my mosh pit house cleaning tunage ....Hybrid Theory all the way baby!!!! But Mike solo...and where'd ya go...reminds me mostly of my husband being gone right now. Its a good thing tho ....we sometimes underestimate what we can do...how much we can withstand...until we are often neck deep in it. I am.....and I am going to do this. Keep what remains of my family together,no missing what coulda been...cuz most likely those things wouldn't have been anyway. I can however make my own future...and it can be as good as I have a drive to make it staying on the right path. My grieving adderall is pretty much done.....as of recently..I wake up knowing each day is a clean slate...if I do something,I don't bounce it off when I did it on adderall....I just get up and "DO"...along with the Michael's app...I have filled out a bunch more on line as well....I have all my medical insurance filled put for the state in an envelope and ready to go....I have a load of laundry in...and im embarking on room cleaning.....it is 8:45 on a Sunday morning. My dopamine is still repairing..but I get thru a day accepting it as just a beat ass day if it is that way....not a beat ass day cuz I don't have addies. This clarity kicks in whenever and it has been just recently for me...I am the only glue I have to fix what really was a broken life for awhile.....some people are sadly given permanent solutions to what's really only temporary problems....just for today I'm really challenged and feeling confident about getting things back that drugs had a hand.in taking from my life.....and to quote another great song. POD~GOODBYE FOR NOW.."I'm not the type to say I told ya so,,,,sometimes I think the hardest part of holding on is letting it go"

Hey thanks my girls...you've been there and.know so much of my story....and I.have been hung up on the how am I gonna,how can this plus this -this...I felt trapped,literally by all that I don't have ..by .people that I ask for a favor that can never seem to come thru on the end they said they would..I was very used to being let down by people that said they would always be there like the man I.married......IM FUCKIN TIRED.OF IT NOW. I AM GONNA GO GET MY OWN. Adderall will have no hold on me in the work place....I have gotten used to doing everything without it...I am a drag ass...stewing in emotinal shit when I have time to think about it. I miss the fuck outta getting me and my son ready in the morning...taking him to the sitter..going to a job..having some laughs and working..then getting my son and home for dinner and baths..putting him to bed and feeling like I was productive in our life. That's a good day. We have not had that in over a year...we were casualties addiction. My whole adult life i have never been on my.own. went from mommy to a marriage...divorced..back to mom...then moved in with Brian...and now back with her. I want a place of my own this time for us....so that if things don't work out when he gets out.....I am not left in the dust due to dependency. So its just a job at at Michael's but so much is riding on this...I want to do for my self and Christian more than I want anything.... And I'm not waiting for it to find me anymore...I must now get off my ass and quest for a good life like I did for a pill. Its long over do.

So guys I did complete the lengthy application...well actually the timed rational thinking test...and the 12 page different.scenario sections were long. I think I did really good!"!" I really want to get out there and make shit happen for me and my son...even if I'm struggling to do it...I want to be our structure. I want a place of our own...show I have the drive to do it...and.I'm surrounded by felt...my felt food obsession will thrive. I'm so excited and I hope they call me....that's when I'm really gonna shine for us and for all we've survived and for all we can become!!!! Fingers crossed for me!!!! ..

I love that its UNDERWEARS...NOT UNDERWEAR. I'm pretty psyched at the prospect of this job...money yes....but getting back into society. When my husband was here life was beyond sick...I exposed noone to it. It was isolation to the extreme. And now that I know I'm livingnon the up and up....I really want to get back into being nice to people and working hard and maybe even advance....I've never advanced. I've just settled. It will me good for me socializing...and my son at school as well...he needs people other than mommy. I Can be hard on him....due to extreme frustration...this will end that. This is the break I need that was never gonna be handed to me...I have to make it happen. Thank you guys for being part of so many new beginnings I hope!!!!

Cash flow is non exsistence...so is sanity and my purpose. I have to work around the car thing for now and just make it happen...my moms here for weekends and my Nana in law for week days..and ill meet other employees...I'm gonna make this shit go!!!! HURDLES BE DAMNED.....RUNNING START AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY I HAVE SCRAPBOOKING SUPPLIES TO SELL!!!

Yup 4...ages 15 ,12,9 and 3. Fastest ass-wiper,diaper changer in the west.LOL. we have a Michael's opening soon...not my favorite kind of job..but I've been outta the loop for awhile ...its right in Westerly ..not walkable but bout a 10 min ride..and his daycare is 5 min into that ride...so the radius is doable.ill work with people I.know for rides plus ill hook up with fellow employees....gotta get the Fuck up and make something happen....we all need it here. His daycare will be covered by the state too...so that's cool. This is just really at the mental breaking point around here...and no one's gonna hand u shit!!!

I think you're right,which is so twisted because it HAD to have been apparent to even a layman ,let alone a medical professional in this field of expertise that he was an extreme state of addiction. It reminds me of trying to get help for my husband...how many of these places that claim to want to help you and your family get off the addiction spiral...just to be told...yeah,we don't even wanna hear it without insurance. CLICK!!! AHH,THE TRUTH COMES OUT THAT ADDICTION SHOULD BE ON THE TOP 10 OF FORBES HOW TO MAKE $$$$$ LIST. they didn't give a shit that I was crying and begging that I didn't think either of us could make it another day. We are both alive though ....Richard is not...and profit was indeed made on him...horrible.

So glad I have friends on here that have some pretty savvy career experience ....I don't think I've ever had a resume!!! To put together all the huge gaps of giving birth...job...stay at home with the kids....part time job,etc. I feel that may be impossible..but even in a situation where an application is involved....how do I explain this last stretch???? Had a great waitress job for almost 4 years...then my boss caught wind of my husbands issues and figured me a liability...so I was on unemployment for a year following that...my ex boss would state I was a good employee if someone inquired tho...he is a douche but I saw him do it that way when people used him on an application. The shit with my husbands heroin/crime spree did get to where I didn't look for a job due to the instability of the home front. But Ive been out of work from Sept 2011...like a year and a half!!!!! What the fuck do I say about that....vague and using personal issues sounds like ummmmm...shit!!!! Yes corporate dude...my husband was a junky!!!! Ughhhh!! These are not security clearance positions...waiting tables or retail perhaps. HELP!!!!

Course just I may FINALLY get this quote shit down....look at all of you ladies just throwing up your little happy faces..".mine is happier than yours!!!!".."well mine has barrettes"..."well my happy face is flipping your happy face off while wearing a hello-kitty T-shirt" LOL..(IM KINDA STRANGE) but yeah I just can't seem to keep up with the simplest of technology.

HOLY JESUS AND MARY AND JOSEPH!!!! MFA.....I GOT THE QUOTE CRAP RIGHT!!!!! YAYYYYYY!! :)

Good luck underwears!!!!! Ahhh,the twisted and peculiar things I find funny. But yeah I sooooo think you should say "Hi,I'm Ashley ...great to meet you and my girl MFA wants to know what the fucks up with Harvard anyway...why you gotta be frontin like that huh????" Hahaha ....OK,OK fine. Have a good time and just enjoy what hopefully turns out to be a great evening with a cool Guy. If not,his loss for sure.

I think when you choose to end your own life ...there certainly are a lot of internal things all collsing at once...but if someone is having such thoughts due to going off adderall too...should I still tell them that is the best route..I know for myself and others it still is and was...but for someone who could be posting an edited version or life...or an accurate one....if someone took their own life coming off medication...I would be beyond beside myself of course. I know its an extreme scenario ...but it just kinda made me think.

I relate to so much of it and what you guys have said...I too was just too tired to chase it for even another day,and that kinda shocked me. But first time especially..my bottom was total loss of self. I was in denial for a long time...but vividly remember when I felt where I was and that I couldn't walk away if I wanted to. I would still use for a couple more years. The guys parents screamed so loud for their child....really targeting the nucleus too ...the prescribers. And no one wanted to accept this...and now he's gone.oh the venom that could sit in parents that endured an end result like this and they aren't going after anyone....God bless them in a kind of acceptance that only he can provide.

Is this an arguement for the "I shouldn't go cold Turkey" crowd tho. I quit of the same crazy amounts as this man did...and I felt none of the extremes described...but he did...and someone else could too..I would think. And a life was lost. I may rethink quit advice I give...any other takes on that???

My ex husband would come home from work and say.".so what the fuck did you do all day Heather?"hmmmm...good question?? But I can assure you I haven't sat down in 2 days...I couldn't even sit thru a commercial. And I did color like 15 pictures of assorted sesame street characters....but laundry???? Fuck that. LOL

Exactly. I'm not getting shit done either..my mom is threatening that we have to spend 2 hrs in the unorganized garage today!!!! God no!!!! Anything but that!!!! I can get the basics done...laundry,the bedroom...etc. ...and cooking to encourage my ever expanding ass. I'd like to stick to that today....Superbowl. and I could give a shit who wins...but I love the snacks!!! I accept that I have a hard time with embarking on high organization tasks...but I really wasn't geting shit done on addies...just appeared that way cuz I was always moving.

I deleted it.

Now I wanna delete that post....or hey...ummmm...moderators...yep ..if that is not cool I'm really sorry...I didn't think of it like that at all...maybe I should have. Waaahhhh...ill never sleep now ..I'm so kinda freaked that had an effect on you like it did.

Oh my God for real???? I'm sorry!!!! Its actually a very 50's kinda pill....been around forever...not sure if it even is around anymore with all the new fangled shit on the market. But you know you can't be having that either! !!! No..no..no. now give me MFA back you crazy loon!!! LOL

Yeah. ...on addies I'm just a fucked up INFP(I think those were the letters). I can say I was the description they gave..before ,during, and after. Just try to use my powers for good now instead of evil. LOL