Heather67

hmmm...that's a good question inrecovery...I guess it was as impulsive as we can be having to get an appt...wait a bit and go and obtain the script ...strangely kids are a trigger...they require so much extra everything...and i was already doing double duty due to my husband's heroin usage....I was left behind many times while he drove 2 hours each way and a few more to hang out with the people he did it with....so these were 7 or so hour trips....I could not handle it anymore...those were some viscious painful times...I wanted to stay busy and take the edge of the mental pain...when I got the script filled...I opened it and stared into that bottle...and said I can't believe I'm Fucking doing this...I cried all the way home ...took a few more...and it took me where I knew it would....almost where I had left off. But I wanted to remove myself from pain I could not stop...things are different today...but that is a very tragic part off my life. I but I don't want to ever forget it.congratulations to everyone above for the clean time. every clean day is a good day.

Day 39. Its weird to even see that,I remember crying on the phone with the pharmacist who told me he was proud of me for owning my problem...and he wished me all the best. Bout 3 days before Christmas ....who wants to embark on the quit during the most hardcore"happy" holiday on the calendar! !!! But it was time....this was the second big run for me...mine last years and are fueled by doses that shoulda put a girl my size in the ground a long time ago. I am far from feeling all good and back to normal without it,but it will come. I'm not lying,stealing breaking the law,or trying to convince myself that I believe the fucked up shit that addies try and tell you....that its cool,that you need it,but you can quit anytime, that your good at your hustle, that you should be proud that you can cop a script for em from even your gynocologist,that people can't tell...that it's actually helping you. ...oh the lies,lies,lies...relentless. I can go to bed at night knowing that even if I didn't do much that day...I did the day honestly...I can be there to help a friend,pick my son up and dust him off when he falls down,feel like more than a walking carcass empty of everything. I know no limits when it comes to adderall...I have never found that with any other anything I'm my life. It's a reflex to pull back when on the edge of complete destruction...not with adderall. I have given up the race to keep up with it. I will never win...I accept defeat in the fight against it....but it can't defeat what I have worked fuckin hard to acquire....a life without it.

Good lord girl....come in for extra just in case....she woulda been high commander on my team of physicians...for sure...thinking like I did when I was all screwed up and spinning, she's that "cool one " that rarely comes along ..technically they strip licenses to practice and prescribe for that shit..I had the ones that would buy the "I lost my script" and ones that I did not even attempt early fills with...it was part of my game....frazzled busy housewife with sooo much to juggle...little Capri pants with some flats and a freshly pressed little white Oxford never hurt the cause either. But under it all ...strait raging lunatic with nothing to juggle but acquiring more pills from about 6 doctors and who goes with which pharmacy (don't fuck that shit up...elementary addiction there..LOL ) and who has the best price ...and who can I acquire a store credit from to pay for the shit...by stealing and returning their own shit....matching SKU #S to the right products......mother fucking exhausting!!!! Gone is the chaos of my chase....even my worst day thus far of my 39 clean days....beats that shit. Hang in there girl...use that sense of humor.

You just do sugar,you really do get through it. The emotions are pure and they are raw...and right now everything in you is desperately trying to "synch" without its fuel as of late,adderall. The dopamine is all mixed up...these things need to get used to firing up without the speed. Day two is often more real...I think...day one I ran on residual adderall in me...a little adrenaline...and the challenge of getting my life back...day 2...NONE OF THAT. the grieving process in me started hard. This is it...this is life without my right arm huh????? Bullshit. I hate it. But is kickin it in a jail cell or even a casket gonna be any better???? That's where adderall had led me. And really to get a quality life could I put a little effort in or just be pissed off and Whiney that I couldn't have my adderall anymore...the shit that showed me how bad life would get if I kept fucking with.it. I was very twisted about my relationship ending with this shit. It gets easier...it gets less overwhelming and you become more accepting of the pros of quitting vs the addict cons. It is a hard road,the beginning of the quit,you are lonely in a crowd of 1000... but you have this site and God damn it,use it!!!! I say that with no disrespect...I say it because it is so critical to talk amongst your own with this drug. People here,have gotten through where you are,they are at the points that we are not yet...and everything in between. We have gotten through the start of the quit...you can too and go on to help others that are on day one...its empowering to share that experience strength and hope ....you gotta give it away to keep it. Go easy on yourself....try to think of it as a healing time...you can push if ya want to a little later. Keep going ....I can,I can,I will, will!!!! Keep posting!

Daaaaaaang girl....you gonna be going to Vegas after all!!!! LOL. That was a wise move....you have got to learn to cope with every situation without them. Not every not so bad situation cuz I got like 80 of em hanging out behind some books....EVERY SITUATION CUZ YOUR AN ADDERALL ADDICT. cuz like me....someday if you keep going...you will end up cut off by the powers that be....they roll under the name DEA( they rock some cool duds with that ablaze on the back)...and you do not want them in your life. I got lucky that they came into mine without warrants....just a warning And I took it. It is the infinite bottom.....red flags don't just go away,and for me its what I needed to solidify what I knew ...and i believe the only thing that was ever gonna shut the junky up. Cuz I have an insane appetite for the shit....shoulda checked out long ago due to addies...not my time. The next time that woulda come...coulda been. And it can be for anyone with even the next pill.....I'm so very proud of you for going outside the comfort box and geting it done. Keep posting girl....we're not going anywhere!!! ...

Hey girl.....most definitely say fuck it!! I had those days all week...went from laughing hysterically at my state of exsistence to sobbing...relishing my twin bed(at 45????good times indeed) out of sheer depression and boredom to loathing it for being my catalyst to waking up and doing it ALLLLLLLL OVER AGAIN!!!! ALL OVER THE EMOTIONAL MAP. Flipping from highly motivated induced by painful boredom...to feeling so beaten down and lost I just wanted to walk out of the apt. And never come back. Complete case of the FUCK ITS!!!!! These are tests, they are the trial and error, the cause and effect ,that documents our individual exsistence. The schematics of the shit we go through....to be used as tools to piece together our stories. Reflections to oneday maybe know why it had to be that way. I place faith in spirituality...a sense of self exsisting along with things not of this realm....that realm is of ones own choosing....we're really meant to have much simpler lives I believe....but humans get good at messing up even the best laid plans,myself included .... but till its the past and not the present ....ride it out on a wave of chocolate girl...we're here for ya!!!

Thank you so much for the honesty, the vulnerability,and exposing such deep personal emotions. It is a must,I think,to honestly cleanse oneself. It would be lovely if it was all a free ride on the clouds of pink. It isn't ...those days are there definetly but so are the bills to be juggled, the kids who can't agree to get along for even a 10 minute car ride...the job you have today but who knows as far as tomorrow, sickness and health...good times and bad. Its life .....and it wont stop because I have a problem with pills. I have to learn how to handle any circumstance without the escape of adderall. You got through the horrendous without swallowing a pill, I agree to keep a loved one privileged to the extreme emotional struggles,that can only strengthen an already strong bond. This has by far been the worst stretch of my life thus far ...do to many reasons ....the hole seems bottomless and the hurdles often look like fuckin sky scrapers....but I'm not using. I'm staring at life...complex as it is...free of adderall. Its a day to day challenge... but its a day with out the all consuming quest. I am thankful for that and for a site that surrounds me with people staring at all the same things as me....and succeeding.

Supposed to read ..whole other post...came out mother. I smell karma and its coming for me. Oh shit.

Speaking of the elderly....my mom just said "there are woman who enjoy it Heather!!!"....pipe the fuck down lady!!! Another one I love dearly but living with her at my age ...beyond taxing ...whole mother post!!!! Go the fuck to sleep too!!!! LOL

You are speaking the Gospel on that MFA!!! It seems to have had its beginnings in the ",!I LOVE BEING PREGNANT" go to phrase of so many soon to be moms,what???? Seriously???? That can be the case ,who am I to say...but 4 times out and I've hated it every time!!! I'd go strait to labor vs what is actually 10 months ladies...sorry....anyday. when I had my princess Mallory ...15 years ago and the first....I brought her home and realized I met the first person I would 110% lay my life down for to spare hers....provide her with anything at my own expense ...unconditional love like nothing ever felt....they are all the best of two people despite how the two feel about each other. ...they are pure and not jaded...they see the good in everything,they say the funniest shit at the best and worst times.....they are forever an extension of you .....the heart of it could exsist outside of your body. But they are little people with needs and only gradually developing means to take care of those needs. Trying to keep perspective in place about that when the demands are coming like rapid fire....is not a wall in the park...I do it temporarily without his father, whom a child desperately needs....I want my children to have an unabashed sense of humor,and be genuinely accepting of who they are. For popularity is for the masses....integrity is for ones soul. Adderall does not give me the ability to even see the twisted humor amidst the stressful days of cartoon theme songs and poptarts. It strips me of all ability to to be anything to them....I'm a physical presence only. You have to quit for yourself ...they reap the benefits of that. Parenting is the toughest job...some say thankless....not true...that comes when they are older...not in words, but by whom they become. Stay off adderall. Cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Hahaha quit once...those damn deal breaking spouses. No...someday ill laugh..its just hard when all your day consists of is potty training...nick Jr...and not much adult contact. Its tough right now ...but go- gurt will suck forever !!!

SWEET!!!!! ITS OVER!!!! WHERES MY HEAD DIDNT EVEN SEE THIS!!! And it went well....good for you! !!! I'm stoked for you ...and yes ...celebrate...cool on the 30 days comin!!! That's a big one. I'm strait cut off ...could get the paper can't turn it in for the prize,so to speak...pharmacy bells and alarms buzzing!!!! Oh nooooo!!! Not me !!! gueen of my own hustle! !!! Indeed...the reign is over. Glad yours is too!!"! Keep doing it sugarplum! !!!

Oh no commiseration is good ....specially on the kid front. LOL ...I'm not Heather...I'm.mommy. that's it no identity....nuthin...mommy this, mommy that...goldfish crackers,juice...go-gurts(who's dumb ass came up with those shits!!!)and God forbid they here ya move....its like a mass decent on ummm mommy...really,just gonna try and brush my freaking hair....but I want a lollipop .....A WHATTTTTTTTTT!! glad you can fit some candy in while bleeding the life outta me. I love them dearly..and blessed they are healthy but God damn...these people and time outs and soft voices .....that's not always how parenting is. Or life...but I suppose ill keep trudging ....thanks girl!!!!

Oh occasional.....its a bullshit road indeed sometimes....but its MY BULLSHIT ROAD right. Hahaha....3 ways you can go in life....give up,give in or give it all you fuckin got!!! I've always been a challenge kinda chick. ..so yeah,FUCK YOU HEROIN AND THE FROG U RODE INTO TOWN ON!!! I AM NOT DONE YET!!!! I'm also not right!!!! LOL ...Hugs!!!

OMG .. .I love you guys!!! I did make the oatmeal cherry bars ....deeeelicious!!!! I put another depressing post upa few minutes ago about this case of the "wahhhh-wahhhhhs'.. LOL. I know I gotta push myself when I don't want to....oppose the addict thinking...if it says yes, you know to do no...if it says yes....then do no!!! It builds stamina for the struggle. As do days like today....a lot worse could be happening in life, something like an illness or worse,a disaster and I have to know how to get through everyone of em without a stimulant or any drug. Period. This is kinda like boot camp....training for the big one,if God forbid it should present itself. And all those reminders from all of my cool friends on here, just solidify the basics. I'm feeling a little tiny bit more motivated just having read your posts,things don't seem so lonely right now ...I feel some relief knowing my experiences have done for you what yours for for me....it took the vast majority of my life to feel comfortable with my own voice,my opinions, my outlook on my own life ...I'm so genuinely happy to found a place where that voice.can be heard and sometimes even make a difference in someone else's day. Love you guys!!!

Godddddd,is this day gonna end!!! Brought some bags of clothes and shit I need to go through....and yupppp,just keep walking by em on the table. That "lets get Jacked its Friday"thing is subsiding...but its being replaced with,"fuck I don't have shit at this point in life"...no car no job no social life no Benjamin's or Washington's for that matter, its overwhelmingly inescapable it seems. I get my " I hate heroin" kick, for it is 97% responsible for the current lack of's....I get pissed at my husband because heroin showed up via him. ..yet at the same time I miss him and the marriage that once was before the shit blew wide open. The support of a spouse,the just hanging out and having dinner and goofing on t.v,laying next to him and feeling protected......son of a bitch dude!!!!! Yet at the same time I wanna land a fuckin punch on him strait to the face "!!! Complete emotional roller coaster....I'm like fuck my 2 friends cuz they suck...wishy washy douche Bags sometimes...can't do what they say. My kid is all over me being a pest...and I feel no sense of calm or peace. Frustration,irritability ...yeah HALT!! MINUS THE T. HURT(NOT HUNGRY), ,ANGRY LONELY ..NO TIRED. ahhhh the addict without the drug.....I love this shit.

Welcome welcome dude!!!! This place is the best!!!, good for you seeing your issues with addies and being hell bent on moving forward ...cause that's what it takes...its not easy and you'll encounter some fucked up shit I'n your head and here's where you're bringing it!!!! I laughed about the fugitive in the car.....I always tell how I saw an orange flash at the bottom of my purse....heart started racing and I'm like "score " alas..it was just a fuckin apple jax...hahaha ...but that's how fucked up I am for ya.....I'm thinkin you're gonna fit right in here! !! Keep doing it son!!!!! And post your ass off! !!!

Hey fellow momma... I hear ya sista!!! Addies were my wonderwall! I got it all done..was everything everyone wanted me... obsessed over the Martha Stewart exsistence that my public demanded like no body's business....at the beginning anyway. The shit hates you and turns on you...says FUCK everybody,school functions,the kids pediatrician visits,oil checks on the mini van,your appearance, your health,your peace of mind....EVERYTHING!!!! I've been there, twice. Hating the thought of doing it another day,yet not being able to handle a day without it. I don't want to be there a 3rd time....I could,but only if I choose to. You will survive the rough stuff of the quit....if you choose to!!! Get a quit plan!!!! You have a family and obligations, so you need a plan that can deal with that. Please choose a trusted,loving person in your life to tell that you are dependent on adderall...we are as sick as our secret. Don't need to tell the world...just someone...it'll start to free you. Adderall knows its advantages ...and removing you from loved ones leaving you in its twisted isolation is a strategy it relies on. Start to lessen its upper hand. Start your struggle to get your life back...I'm a month or so in off about 400 mgs a day...I have 4 kids...one is with me from my second marriage he's 3....I'm 45....it's really hard...and I'm struggling with my own today....but I wont use. I can't go back...I have the blood pressure issues too....I wont make it to another quit. Please stick around this time. Good,bad or indifferent ...we are here for you!!,

MFA....you are a tremendous help!!! I never thought of that honestly ..and you gimme a link...who's the shit girl!!!!! Ashley. ...I am gonna get to one tonite...I know it shifts the most fucked up thoughts to a bit more positive. Just strait stir crazy and bored off my ass!!!!! I feel like I'm just kinda riding the tide right now....can't do much. Ya know. And big procrastinating on the what I could find to do front,yeah,eat that frog. ...I know! Its life on life's terms...hows about a new contract life????!!!! Lol!!! The fuck up in me says "you can only get that rush partying with drugs...hell not e even the drug you favor ...just something" I know that side of me well enough to usually not let it take over. Its like "stop talking shit in my head already you crazy bitch!!!!!" I could make and inhale a batch of cookies to my head"!! LOL! I also don't love when I text a friend or two that im feeling like this....and I have yet to get a reply!!! I know. People have lives!!!! Grrrrr!!! Ill just keep posting and reading and getting by an hour at a time if need be. Thank God getting red flagged on days like these,the concrete sure as hell has not set yet.

Sooooo,I never expected that I'd be all cured in a little over a month...and its never gonna be a cure anyway...its about effort. Its another Friday...ho-hummmmm,the last few days have been total do nothing days...nothing I'm the house,round the house,etc. Got a cold still,and doing shit outta the house,its like 5 degrees out,blahhh! But today I am dying for that whole.."ITS ON MOTHER FUCKER,ITS THE WEEKEND, LETS DO THIS...CRANK TUNES AND YEAH.....GET HIGH!!!" THERE,I SAID IT!!! I desperately and longing for an extreme sensation..the kind not induced by anything human. I will lay out some triggers tho....when my husband went to prison...heroin obviously left us financially devastated,and took both vehicles. I am grateful my 3 year old and I had my moms to move into....to get to a job,you need a car....and to buy a car,you need to make money at a job....see the chicken and egg scenario emerging? ?? I'd walk to a job even in 5 degree cold...but I'd have to walk my son to a daycare provider first,then to a job. Chances of all those things being in a close radius are like none....trying to ride it out till tax time to get some hoop Dee. But then the state will have to unsuspend my licsense...(due to having to pay child support to my ex husband....that's funny,cuz if I had a job it'd be paid douches ) so it's all a catch 22 that can be handled in time....but my kid and I are together 24/7!!!!!!! And have been since July ....love him,but its extreme for us both. I have no identity but...MOMMY!!!!! by the time 5 gets here everyday...I think I'm gonna snap!!! But I get up to do it all over again. I have no access to addies thank God!!!!! Even of I got a script...it's a piece of paper that a pharmacy won't touch with my name on it....good thing I didn't keep any of the orange wonders....I may be all over that shit today. This "drive" is killing me...couldn't handle it covertly but what "on up and up" solution is there???? Well...guess that's the general gist of it...addict brain all up in my shit today!!!,

Wow. Sorry you have to deal with all that stress and butterfly nonsense leading up to tomorrow ..but since you stated this is just kinda his buttoned up demeanor ...just like ya said ...he'd be this way no matter what. Keep thinking....ya know what dude....I really wish I could tell ya how far I've come lately....how I am dealing with a whole shit ton of bullshit to take my freaking life back....trudging my ass on the road to well ville!!! Ya can't I know.....but YOU KNOW THIS...AND YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM KNOWS THIS!!! Get through it to the best of your ability...go home breathe a sigh of relief that "whewww,that shits over"...take a nice hot shower, have a kick ass dinner with a good someone/or someones in your life....then kick back and be so fucking happy about how far you've come,smile and sleep well!!!!! Those are the simple pleasures in life that you have earned my friend!!! Go do that shit tomorrow! !!!! LOL! !!

Amen Pastor Sky. Perfectly said. But you know I'm a sucker for a little"Buck the fuck.up" anyway. As much as I thought I wanted the warm fuzzy approach when I quit....that woulda never worked!!!! In the back of my twisted head I woulda been goofing on that. Like yeah right. The other way challenges me a little more...I don't get.pissed are all...its like a little Shuv for shuv ..like come on show us what you got. Its always worked in my life like that...so if it ain't broke I ain't fixing it!!! LOL

That's all part of the beginning ....some days are extreme. You can't help anyone else till u can help yourself...I was in the hardcore part of my quit (like day 4-5 )on Xmas. Eve and Xmas day...with a 3 year old. Everyone one was getting their holiday on...and Jesus Christ I could barely put one foot in front of the other and smile at the festivities...let alone all that hustle and bustle cool last minute shit I used to love. I got my son this bad ass construction site for Xmas....took me 4 freakin days to even grasp glancing at the endless instructions....I pushed myself...uncomfortable vs comfortable and got that shit done tho. I figure better to put a toy on hold s that his mother can kick adderall instead of his lifetime on hold because his mothers still chasing it. Those days felt soooo long but the time pace is picking up ...it does. You're on your way to being present in life...bear with the process dude. We all know.

NEVER!!!! SKANKY AINT MY STYLE!!!! I like the word though,and don't get to use it as much as I'd like. Lol!!! I'm a good girl....cept for swearing like a sailor when my kids aren't around!!! ;D

c'mon now...secretly you'd rather get rejected for it being too large than any other reason...hope another dude was around for you to hi-5!!!! Possibly I may be the only one finding this funny. And moderator mode will fire up for deletions and warning points...my rank will change from advanced member to skanky member (MFA..skanky means cheesy HO) LOL.... and then I will cry!!!!