Heather67

Kyle ....hahaha. how did the freaking human race exsist before we were armed with blocking capabilities!!!!! Not a cold bastard ....just a gamer that calls em like he sees em! LOL. Anyhooooo- you are but a sweet babe in the woods at the age of 28,though I know you've lived many more years than what the b.certificate states. If a positive can be found when we look back at our fucked up exsistence on addies...its perhaps than when we genuinely let go of it....and want that "normal" life more than anything,we have an intense desire to look inward and find our own WHYS. I did anyway. A lot of soul searching and most importantly....acceptance of all that I've wrong and all that I can acceleration at if I want it bad enough. That I can mandate the behavior I will tolerate in my life from others...that I can remove the posers and fair weather relationships....I am not a fan of conditional. I've told ya before....you are quite the together 28 year old...you know how many non addicted people coast thru always living a shallow life.???? You go define and determine your own circumstances...don't let the current circumstances define you. For life goes far beyond just staying alive.....its finding something to live for!!!! So you cry over them twilight tunes....and then heaven will let your light shine down. You are spectacular!!!!!!

A month is huge...for me it kinda solidified that I could really do it if I chose not to fuck it all up. Its a daily winding road for sure....but it feels good to feel again...and to know you are really being honest with people,and that a day is so much less complicated than it used to be....and that when you go to bed...much earlier than before,you know that you are indeed fuckin doing this shit. Getting your own life back. So big happy out to you. That helps keep us all going!!!

Do not apologize dude!!!! What you're doing is fuckin phenomenonal. I had a hard time getin a sentence together when I came off the shit not long ago..let alone the effort to type it all in via phone. So hi 5. Babies are indeed a precious commodity as are healthy relationships they will both thrive absent the noose of adderall around your neck. That'll choke the life out of it all...use all you can get in that arsenal to keep going. You'll surprise yourself daily.

ABSOLUTELY NOT A PISS POOR EXCUSE OF A HUMAN BEING. For behind a mistake, a fuck up or an addiction is a person with a story to tell. Reasons and common threads in ones own LIFE to explain the errors,people that care about you and love you, elementary school pictures of maybe a life less complicated. A history,smiles and tears , good times and bad. It makes us each who we are...shows us where we've been,time we've done and what we've survived. I've come a long way in accepting all of mine, even the most horrific and degrading. They are my reflections. The ones that hold adderall in them...and there are a shit ton of those...show me where I don't want to go anymore,they are traumatic,but instrumental in the recovery process at times...days are long often,and painfully boring at times...but I make it to another day again and again ...free of the death grip of adderall seeking. For it consumed me ...every minute...every day...there was no room for anything else. The simplicity of even boredom is something I'm slowly getting used to....it takes time adderall addicts don't know shit about even-keel...it's far end of the spectrum chaos. Life is better today...it comes with ebbs and tides like everything else in life I suppose ...the beginning is tough...go easy on mentally beating the fuck outta yourself! You get what you put in. Stay strong.

It is indeed going to be very hard. Probably the hardest thing ever for me....its internal struggle. My pain will be self chosen when it comes to adderall...there is no must take it scenario....I do not need it to live...just the opposite...to live,I need to be without it. It takes a tremendous amount of uncomfortablity to get to what's meant to be the real you...its often not the person you were before the drug....isn't that the person who would ultimately seek the adderall oblivion???? I don't wanna be her. Ones approach to the quit is personal...but there are stats in any given society...like we are here. ,,,and they are indeed against you with holding your poison. I do not judge at all,just as others on here do not either. Shooting strait from the hip you will get, support,experience,strength,and hope...and human stumbles and slubs and flaws too...we all got em,like a well loved sweater(awwww) but you have to have a hand in your own destiny ..as you are aware by seeking help in adjusting to life without adderall....but gray area can be your abyss ...when the time is right you can indeed prevail. But you need to shift into high gear son. It'll come. Promise.

The pastor sky.....hahaha. lets try to keep our speaking in tongues and ummm yeah,the snakes on the d.l.....don't wanna scare the new recruits!!! LOL. IM KIDDIN.....Welcome dude...really. you've expressed the overwhelming sense of wheeeew..thank God, other people exactly like me!!!!! That I think we've all felt upon discovery of this site....its not the easiest road but it is the best one by far. Most things just handed to you or obtained for free don't tend to mean much...I prefer the ones that I have to work a little for. I have s little over a month and I've had adderall closer to me than I'd like a couple times now during this leg of the journey ( people,places and things)... but thus far I've still prevailed in keeping the rational part of my brain in charge....because I'm an addict of adderall,I WILL NEVER TAKE AS PRESCRIBED OR EXCERCISE MODERATION OR USE RESPONSIBLY. I will never be cured when it comes to that....one pill will always lead to the same hell it always has. Next week or 10 Years from now...I've accepted that. Its my responsability to excercise all that I need to, to protect what I've obtained now...it can all fall apart anytime I choose for it to. So glad you finally feel some relief by finding us.....so glad you're here.

That's great to hear Leah. Its scary this often unfamiliar territory of honesty about adderall and with who???? A doctor!!!!! Who woulda thought huh??? It does really feel good when it settles...I used to catch myself believing all the lies ..for a minute...then it'd be shot down by reality....no heather you're still fucked up and abusing drugs. It feels really good when you think...and its real. Nothing can shoot it down....it yours. You keep it...you deserve it girl. Super proud of you. XO

It is a personal decision I suppose...as far as your medical records go....you have to sign access to them...and in these parts that's HIPAA (federal standards tho as far as I know)....and if your a doctor of any kind or anyone associated or linked to the business of medical anything... and you violate HIPAA...you'll have no bottom line to worry about anymore. They do not fuck around with that. I've heard of C.N.A'S in elderly homes just bullshit talking amongst themselves about a patient...words gotten out and they've stripped licenses because its that serious.....so if anyone fucks with you with that ....you'll be getting some $$$$. Its a massive deal. Just saying.

hahaha ....they tore it up for sure!!!! It was great....stimulant free!!!! Being free of the paranoia and crazy shit was even better when my friend left the parking garage ticket in the car....hello???? Try telling a cabbie in Boston to take you to ummmm,the parking garage by ummmm,????? Took us, well me..she was falling apart at the seems...bout 2 hours in the freezing cold at like 1:00 a.m ....those garages lock ya out at 2:30 too.....ya know what time I ran my cold tired ass down yet another parking garage ramp...this time to finally see the Toyota corrolla.......2:25!!!!!!!! MY FINEST HAIL MARY TO DATE!!!! if I had been spinning on shit,it may have not gone like it did! I am indeed grateful today!! Thanks krax...I saw iron maiden when they opened for Judas priest back in ohhhhhh,85. LOL

Just say it loud and proud girl. Let her know what these 2 weeks have been like for you...your struggle with the drug and your struggle currently to exsist without it. That telling her is part of your intense desire to regain control of the onething that you own outright girl....YOURSELF!!" you'll earn respect by telling it like it is...most know this certainly exsists in their line.of work and find it refreshing to hear honesty about acceptance about ones own addiction versus excuses and denial. Great your in touch with a former sponsor...the general gist of a 12 step plan to address past present and future life issues was an immense help to me. It simplified everything that I worked so hard to ummm...complicate. so deep breathe tomorrow girl...tell it like it is...then go home and be good to yourself ...you're working hard to find your own true happy!!!! Hugs!!

I did the quote shit wayyyyy wrong there...look. close in your own words and you'll find me! !! Yup!!! Hi!!!!!!!! Goddddddd! What the fuck!!!

I agree Leah! ! Other peoples recovery is none of my business...some people got mad freaked over what others did,or how....who gives a fuck. U don't have to do it or live it...you can only keep your own side o the street clean so let it go. I felt like they wanted me to conform...they thought I wanted to be special or different. .I felt like a sell out..but I let it go...ya gotta do that alotta in life anyway. Whether or not u give up addies..heroin or booze..clean or sober count or don't...plenty of people are miserable!!!! That's not the name of the game...if that's how shit was gonna be..I'd use!!! Why not. U think everything suxs anyway....u have to find who you are without the ob livion of drugs in the equation. Change the way you look at shit and the shit you're lookin at will change.I was my own worst enemy...till I looked inward. To me that's the important part of recovery. Finding out maybe what led you and why to becoming an addict In the first fuckin place...what the fuck is just removing the substance gonna tell ya about that. Just my opinion.

Leah has that shit down!!!! Total abstinence.of anything that alters oneself. I was a strait addict in a.a for 3 years ...identified myself as one too( that is not copasetic with a.a old timers...you say.alcoholic! !! Yeah,yeah its tricky and maybe weird but I ain't gonna fight city hall)... they said total abstinence and that's what I did....I maybe drank a couple times a year.....but I followed the rules. Some don't...alotta marijuana maintenance in both programs.....GATEWAY..GATEWAY...RED ALERT!!! they figure if ypi get out of it..you're not I'n control and who knows what you'll fuckin do all potted up!!!! LOL. This is the 12 step way....doesn't have to be everybody's way more is it....the general guidelines taught me a shit ton I never knew tho....very healthy take on owning ones shit and processing it! !!! Bill w. Is my homeboy! !!!

Totally messed up my quote box!!! LOL

Hell yeah baby!!!!! He was indeed the CEO of SPACELY SPROCKETS!!!

Tell me you knew who Mr Spacely was???? I'm counting on someone here! !! LOL

See ...we're even now!!! The blue bus is smaller than the yellow variety...it often has a chicken wire like material over the windows. Anyone can ride it I guess...but for a free ticket....well,you have to be kinda" special "...and fuckin A...I.am that! !! LOL so cool,cool girl!

Hahaha...addies at some point seem to help us do retarded shit.....just faster. I've lived in 3 different homes throughout my adderall career...but I'd gravitate to a little area of the kitchen counter and be there every day for hours on end......CRAFTING!!! Felt food became my obsession!!! Fortune cookies!!! So damn cute But I'd gather all these ideas and obsessed over details...planning was ore fun than doing. I also colored ridiculous amounts of pictures in my kids coloring books ...masterpieces. LOL. The shit rendered me stupid really! !!

Slinging hash ...is waiting tables.( I would be lost in the corporate world). Mr. Spacely was George jettsons boss on the cartoon And full sweep of your house...hacienda...for any forgotten stashes ...but I think you handled that. Lol...I'm a weird one...like the girl on the blue bus...tell me you get that one??? Hahaha

Awwww...chica, you still got the best shoulder blades in town. LOL. And thank fuckin God you were able to make it safely to a Starbucks! ! Just trying to make you laugh cuz I know you're going hard on yourself. That's all. Relapse tends to be more of a process, an event vs. An incident. Finding a job is huge of course,especially I'm the moving and grooving corporate world (fuck,I'd fall apart..I like slinging hash) its serious shit...you know its all about your own Merritt...not the even slightly enhanced Merritt...the edge you were looking for coulda gone really bad...what if you had really wiled out cuz of some flukey reaction/guilt thing...what would Mr. Spacely (jettsons refer) have thought then? ?? You're already feeling like you are...imagine leaving the interview. Knowing people were like...WTF??? not the case..but I think the slip may be trying to show you ya gotta tweak something...or have a full sweep of the hacienda done...I know you know these things and so much more...you fucked up....past tense...keep it that way sugarplum! ! .

Hahaha...mfa did indeed get the latrine shot that I spaced on a couple weeks ago!!! Mannnn I suck! LOL. For me now or on a day I had none...finding just one would be kinda like finding a tylenol ...due to taking four all at once in the a.m just to get a slight sensation and then sets of 2 thru the rest of the day...one was gonna just piss me off. But it is more of the psychological thing when seeing them ...for me it represents the sheer chaos they cause in my life...how off the rails ill go...and yes...how familiar they are. If I'd drop one in the kitchen ...my eye never left it...it could bounce,ricochet,Bob,weave and then bang a hard left and I could tell where it ended up. And indeed the open window is the pathway back into that chaos....last go around I didn't get bagged ....I don't know why not ...so the window was open and 2years ago I opted to go thru.it again...and the results were no different, I will always abuse adderall, I don't know for sure if I would have been able to quit this time if it hadn't been put on pharmacy lock down...they are the deal breaker ultimately. Possibly someones way of saying you survived two viscious bouts with this drug and since I know how you take it,I've cut you off cuz you're not going to survive another one ...maybe but recovery runs much deeper than just removing the drug...that is my work alone to do.just my own take on my own circumstances tho ...it is what it is and it comes when its time When the student is ready,the teacher will appear....grasshoppa. !!!! LOL