Heather67

All I needed to know was that I wouldn't die from withdrawal. ..only two things that can kill you detoxing off of w/ out medical supervision....booze and benzos. Not coke ...not heroin...not adderall. Even when I went to rehab for a month and everyone was hitting the detox unit before geting to a house.....NOT ME....NO DETOX FOR ADDERALL. GET IN THE VAN ..AND BE UP AT 5:00 AM FOR YOUR CHORE AND TO HAVE DISCUSSION GATHERING...5 MIN SHOWER AND GO TO GROUP FOR THE DAY. THIS WAS WHAT I HAD TO DO FOR QUIT ONE...I USED THE DAY BEFORE I WENT....I WAS HATING LIFE THERE...I COULDA LEFT...BUT I WANTED IT. I WAS SOOO .TIRED. I think we all have different circumstances but when its time....the reasons to use really don't exsist.anymore..you surrender ...accept defeat..and get your life back.

Your usage is actually a high enough dose from your description....to cause you to think that every thing that seems "severe" is "permanent " damage...from experience as an addict that shocked and floored many a physicians at my tolerence for that drug. Very trained indivuals in every area of adderall abuse have shaken their heads and said..." my God...you shouldn't be here..you know that right"...and none of the psychosis or shit that adderall leads us to believe...Really remains when the drug is stopped. Of course the addict believes tapering of is possible....ITS NOT! I said that everyday for two years....but the last time I quit...and even this time,I could imagine my life without adderall..I knew withdrawal was gonna be a total bitch...and then some. But I was at the point of accepting life without it. A trick I used to combat the addict thinking about quitting ....I said "if adderall was a loaded gun that was gonna go off (literally) square between my eyes if I swallowed one pill....would I still take it???? No. If some one said don't take adderall and everyday you don't we will give you a thousand dollars....would I take it...No. so then how do your fuckin bullshit excuses hold any water Heather.....they don't. They are reasons to use. I mean no disrespect girl...but when push comes to shuv ,you are still buying adderalls bullshit...hook,line and sinker.

Ahhhh,dude. Its hard,this is hard...life is fuckin hard. And I really do know that place your in...I was there in my own when my husband ran with heroin and then was sentenced to a decent amount of time...everywhere I looked...everything I felt...was off,or just felt like evil. I was using then...and it didn't help any. Its hard to only be able to deliver words when someone feels as overwhelmed as you.do...not like I can rush your door and say"k..k..dude lets get up and out of this mental swill pit and go grab some lunch ..goof on some funny shit and try to get a little light on all this" .and I'm sad that you're going through so many things at once...some you can change ...some maybe you can't ...but we are stronger than we know..and a good guide is what is best for you????? Relationships are complicated and I don't know details of yours...but if you think its time for a change there, then maybe it is. People break up everyday ...and everyone will be fine...but that's your decision. The schooling, yeah that sucks...but hell you just found this out ..will everyone really ostrecize you for not knowing.???? Life has ebbs and tides,and cause and effect and reasons that we will see someday,just not today. It makes who we are....and often from the greatest of adversities ....people carry on to accomplished great things. I hope you can catch a breather dude...we're all here to try and help ya through.

INFP....definatively!! No on the border. The choices were cut and dry...and the results are that I am the coolest fuckin chick ever...LOL. I'm gonna check out mike's article...ISTJ...is my husband ...he's very literal,makes reference to EVERYTHING in those scientific terms...I tell him all the time to ditch the handbook and go with his heart....in a few years we shall see. But really interesting....thanks Kyle ...I had never taken it!!

Right girl huh. Yoga pants makes it sound like I do something cool and eclectic in em......yeah, no!!!

I'm all about the yoga pants...still in em,just a different pair!!!! Went to the grocery store and today is a bit better of a day...wont lie,still feeling a bit sloth like and I haven't gotten to talk to my husband due to funding the calls at the moment and that's not helping,we have a lot to start resolving,I'm doing so much on my own that I wouldn't have signed up for...but oh well...it is what it is.

Its super fucked up dude. And we've all lived it and survived to tell about it. Good for you researching it and realizing how it does nothing but induce a false sense of everything. Though you've had your own personal study to know that I'm sure...hardest thing is the beginning ...learning to exsist on your own resources...but you'll get there...we all do if we really want to. Use this site now that you've found it....it is the largest wealth of info on the substance and all pertaining to it...and you get the bonus of a forum full of people at varying stages of recovery that will "virtually" kick your ass if you need it...and also.offer a lot of laughs and encouraging thoughts based on their own personal journeys...you are in the right place,and I really hope you stick around.

HAM...MFA is right...they did save your life. With the disturbed love I had for adderall ...seemed sometimes no matter how bad it got...and it was bad....it still told me I was invincible. Those "things" would never happen to me...the heart attack...the prison cell ...loosing my child to the state,etc. But they were all ready and waiting. We are addicts...we will repeat covert,self seeking, dangerous behavior expecting different results. Though the shit does not render us stupid,just powerless. I CAN NEVER TAKE IT ANY OTHER WAY THAN FULL THROTTLE. I quit this time because I was red flagged by the powers that be in the state of RI. a script is useless to me for it will never yield. A crop. Its done. Over. A relationship that lasted too long anyway...beyond unhealthy and violent ...abusive and controlling. Would I have quit without a pharmacist named Peter doing his job.....don't know and I don't care. Those events were all set I'm motion despite my actions,thoughts or twisted take on any of.it. it happened the way any given day does...as much as may bitch,kick or scream....the way it was meant to. In keeping with the grand plan for me,not my plan for me. I'm good with that.

Mentally challenging it will be no matter what. You have a hefty habbit. Many of us did use like you do. And funny but...those dosages have us in a state of psychosis daily ...coming off it actually stops that and induces clarity and reality. Which yes..will take some getting used to. You will mentally be better rather quickly. Physically ..that will take longer ...quitting at the start isn't a fun place....but day one...never goes away. It is a hurdle that is a constant. This time I came off about 13-15 30's a day cold Turkey,about 40 days ago. Last time in 2006 when I quit...it was off 30-30's a day. It is beyond fucked up that a script meant to last a month was lasting me a day!!!! I went off that cold Turkey too....neither time did I hallucinate or hear shit or wanna just say ",good bye cruel world"....I just felt like shit and had to say ...".fuck it heather accept it...you are a speed junkie, out of control who can't even function on the shit you love anymore...stop digging the damage hole deeper because you're afraid to let go...it isn't ever gonna do a 180 and get good again" habbits are individual and everyone.has their own extremes(off the top of my head I know IN RECOVERY has some pretty crazy antics associated to his adderall abuse and he has years of time now ) but the quit is the STARTING LINE FOR US ALL. where the gun goes off and you get out of it,what you put in. Just want you to get well.girl,but you wont till you let go

What are your plans for your quit??? Ditching your stash or running it out,etc. ???? You know you have to, but when are you GOING TO????

OMG how perfect did that thread roll....everyone's all insanely pissed,damn it adderall why'd u have to.do me that way!!!! Wahhhh,waaahhh...ducking the cholera in the shanty town(too funny)and wowzy,wowzy woo woo are we lazy dwarfs....and BAMMMMM,IN STEPS OUR VOICE OF REASON,ONE MISS ASHLEY!!!! who so sweetly told us, what the fuck already...cut the shit ladies and lets pull up our big girl, slept in,yoga pants and get on.with the day. Don't start believing your own twisted bullshit again.Now drop and give me 50 ...bitches!!!! Tru dat girl!!! We're quite a handful at times huh???? I know my day just got a little bit better just laughing hysterically reading these posts...I think ill try and go clean even one thing!!!! LOL ....love you girls!!!!

Grrrrrrr!!!! Its 9:30 and I'm feeling a whole lotta.."for real,,another day of nothing" my drive to do even things around the house has been non exsistent for over a week or so now. Yoga pants( the ones I slept in)and hoodies are my signature attire. Back and fourth between the kitchen and the couch. A kid in p.J's and one sock?????LOL. I'd say not much structure...but this scenario has been pretty consistent lately. Even if my friend Keri comes by...she's in the same doldrums But has no speed issues...though I did share a good many with her back in the not so long ago day. I could really go for smoking a big fatty right about now ....and I tend to think...oh if getting a paper script could do anything for me...I'm thinkin I could be throwing it all away. And if I knew I had any around(which I don't)..I'm thinking I may be moving mountains to get at em. But thinking and doing are two different things... I have been removed from access to adderall...so.it is what it is. It is just so fuckin mundane ...each day is a carbon copy of the ones before it. Its not sober thinking to be wanting to induce something in myself..or enhance it via a substance. Like yeah...I do really want to start a party up in here!!!! Wtf ...I'm such a wahhhh,wahhh!!

And the really cool tic.....I hum. So fuckin much when I was on it,I was like a one girl band!!!! Especially when I was on full throttle all up in a project...I'd catch it and go "what the fuck"..so loud. It subsides when I'm off it,but it remains still just not as loud! !! I still have a lot of ghost side effects...things induced by addies tho your not on them. Like pains where the amputated limb was.

Awwww man...I'm bummed. Not that I coulda functioned on it...I can't even post a fuckin quote right..LOL.

When I did my first run with adderall in 2006 ...i had been at ridiculous doses for about the same amount of time as you..4 years...I went to rehab taking 30-30 mgs A DAY. IT WAS MIND BLOWING TO KNOW A SCRIPT THAT WAS.PRESCRIBED TO LAST A MONTH....LASTED ME ONE DAY!!!! I came outta that rehab clean, and I would stay that way for 3 years. Why going back to that hell was in my plan...I don't really need to know,but it was. I would run with it again for another 2+ years....going cold Turkey off about 13-30's a day this time....but it was building again, I quit just 40 or so days ago....right before Christmas with a 3 year old and a husband doing a 5 year sentence for armed robbery. That's where his drug took him. Dark indeed adderall will show you...lie to.you that you are a dick to think u.can go on without it....BUT YOU CAN!!!! TAKE THAT CHALLENGE GIRL,THE ONE ONLY U CAN TAKE. THE ONE ONLY YOU CAN ACHIEVE....it will try and physcologically fuck with you ....stare that shit down and tell it to go fuck itself Alli.....cuz like me,a fairly petite girl with an insatiable appetite for speed....YOU.WILL BE OK IN TIME..YOU WILL SURVIVE THE QUIT...WE WILL SEE U POST YOUR DARK AND BRITE DAYS...YOUR STRUGGLES AND YOUR ACOMPLISHMENTS!!! you will help other addicts. I hope there is maybe a.close someone that you can personally tell of your adderall abuse ...but if not use us. Love you already because I know where you are...but I'm telling you where you can be.....now you fuckin get there. K??? ..

Alli,,,,my God girl. I am just speechless by your story..and my heart goes out to you for I have felt the same pain. The emptiness. The disgust. The mania...the sickness. You can overcome this but you have to get behind the wheel and you are in such a grim place and you know the quit is not pretty. It will feed off that fucked up mind set. You have gotta do it..you have gotta want it..and you have gotta fight your ass off to get it. And ya know it ain't gonna be cow -,tow'in to u anytime soon...you're gonna do all the adjusting. There's only one way to stop the bullshit in your life...stop using adderall. Go easy on yourself cuz the days are really long and rather rough. Seek outside help when needed....let go of it,mourn it and get on with your own life. Welcome Alli ..and please stay and post and communicate with people here who can help you tremendously. Hang in girl. .

MFA....THANK YOU!! I never thought of it that way ...cause I can't seem to get anything right I do feel less than,just like his drug made me feel. I feel that for a chick trying so hard....I still can't get it quite right,I feel very small. It was a good visit...my son needed to see his father..and he needed to see him too. It was good for them both...I can always remove what I might need when it comes to that. Really...thanks for putting that light on it. XO

What the fuck.....don't hate me cuz I'm stupid! ! I will master this with practice.....stop laughing!!!

I feel ya Cat. My popularity was fed by the pills I consumed,people thought "wow..look at her go" while most people were winding down after a long day around 8:00 at nite...I was gearing up for round 2. God damn...I did my best work at nite. " really people don't plant window boxes at 11:00 at nite on a lovely June evening...well that's just fucked up"...LOL cuz I did. And indeed it was fucked up....for I knew I had such an unfair "advantage" for this wasn't human anything...this was not self induced motivation....I was a scam. A fake ..a poser. I had no.integrity,I no longer felt human...running for the pills every hour. Life is different today and has been for 40 days...I have integrity today...I live in the moment.even if its a shitty one ,free of the noose of adderall. It takes a longggg time to get use to life without it....but slowly is how it has to be. Beats the fast track to nowhere anyday.

HONEST AND FUNNY AND BLUNT AND ABSOLUTELY FUCKING PERFECT.

Oh my God!!! It is different, I knew that...and why don't I think I have an icicles chance in hell on this one. They smuggled the shit back here from Vietnam in our dead soldiers caskets and it blew up in this country. Thanks. Stupid and disrespectful fucks! Crazy from such a cool and beautiful flower like the poppy ...spawns such a relentless evil. Thank man kind for another display of fucking with gods simple plan!!!!

Why is it so easy for everyone to do that shit but me!!!!! LOL. Technologically retarded I am!!! Jesus!, thanks buddy!!!,

I'm sure adderall will come up somewhere in this post...LOL. going to visit my husband in prison tomorrow, been about 2 months since I've gone...its s 2 hour drive with his Nana and my son. I am the worst prison wife...there is a kinda protocol ya know...and I have yet to grasp it. There's lingo and just stupid shit, its hard going there. I still can't adjust to him in the scrubs with MASS DOC on the back...it still hasn't sunk in...we're like 6 months into a 5 year sentence...actually more like 3.5 years if he holds it together....but Jesus Christ ...that's still so long. We were both using and life was so ridiculous and. Illicit and covert...and just a complete clusterfuck...he used till the day he went...and I continued using...were both clean now...he has 6 months and i have my 39 days...that was his goal for me ..he wanted me off it. So did I....but there is damage in this marriage,a lot of wounds left untreated. I survived a time I didn't think I could with him ....I feel greatly betrayed by him for heroin ...I was left behind in cars breaking down on hi ways....a child with fever and throwing up all night ...locking myself ouuta the house with no way in ...so many other things ....while he was busy getting dope!!!! I watched him go in the bathroom a miserable prick that I couldn't do anything right for and shoot up the only happy he needed...come out of the shitter a new man!!" I'd throw boxes of alcohol swabs in the sink and fill it with water to ruin them...snapped needles all the time..stepped on many a brand new bags. I saw a human strait lust for a drug...but is it the same as any other addiction??? Because I'm an addict too...but I don't feel I traded him for the drug. I watched things happen that I couldn't have done...is it cuz the drugs are different ??? That is some viscous shit....I have resentments and I have a fear of it that is huge ...why I'm not sure...if it surfaces again ..ever...it is a zero strike ballgame...I will be gone and it wont be hard to go this time...I will never battle that again. But how will this all feel in 3 or 5 years...how do you nurture something that so desperately needs it with bars in place. I want to just love him like it was before all of this drug horror...I want to let go of the past...but think some of it should be addressed ...the lets just wipe the slate clean thing??? Don't know....naaaahhhh. that wont be closure enough. There is a wedge....he left me..he let me fend for myself...he didn't protect us, he didn't choose us, he sold out everything about us...I am crying like a basket case...the hurt of feeling like I was nothing compared to heroin ...it gives him what even another human can't ..it has no fucking heartbeat....I do!!! My son does!!!! Fuckin shit drug!!!!! Sorry. I will be getting professional help on this topic when I have insurance again...soon. just throwing some of the random shit that muddles my head out for ideas..

Someday ill consistently get the quote In the right place!!! LOL