Heather67

Awww,thanks so much. I really try to live it, often I honestly don't wake up with that mantra...something will kick it in...like if I'm sitting just watching the clock ...then ill go ...OK this is making everything bullshit ...if I just get up and DO things may not appear so slowwwww. Ill get it all JAMMIN on the same page eventually,probably not today...that's cool too.

Lived that saying day in and day out my first recovery rodeo...heard some dude matter-o-factly say it at a meeting and it was like someone hit me with a steel beam!!!!! I will never forget that night. So basic really,but took me till I was about 40 to apply it with astounding results!!

Hey Corey ....stick with the quit dude. Its easier to stay quit than to start one. Like quit once mentioned..(1) take it from a mommy with a minivan full of babies who ran literally 10 doctors at once to support my habbit....you will resort to illegal activity and doctor shopping is punishable by Johnny law. (2)... I have put off going to see the actual cardiologist via my primary care Dr. Because there is enlargement of my heart,I'm almost afraid to see how much...only the specialist can answer that....DIRECT RESULT OF ADDERALL ABUSE. I had 3 years clean once...and by far everything was back in its right place in me, if you will...I fucked up and I have 2 months now...I wish to god i had stayed quit...but something needed to be different for reasons I may never know. But you also have to assist in ones positive destiny by making positive choices...I don't want to have to quit again.

Hahaha...there you are!!!! Its hard to explain kinda...when I have even the urge to hook up a pill to "fix"a problem I honestly know that I have taken the reigns, I know that in no way shape or form is there enough adderall in the world to fix shit already been fuckin DONE. like my husbands prison term,the loss of the material things,I could take 100 and they aren't releasing him or dumping a pile of lost possessions on my front lawn. I have to do a lot of honest flipping in my head,and these last few days it took longer than I would like to "change the way you look at things...and what your looking at will change"..that was very motivated by the question you asked of me. So triggers to do it can certainly vary.. I do believe that a power greater than ourselves...call it God or what have you...puts everything in place for a reason...even the terrible things,and one day understanding why may or may not come for me but if accept that natural ebb and tide of life...and go with that..shits o.k..its overthinking it all and beating the life out of it like a pinata at a little kids b-day party ..puts life in the wrong gear. That may not have made any sense...but its the best I could do.

you may not agree with everything said,how its said, or why its said...but who knows an Addie addicts habbits and characteristics better than another Addie addict. That is all part of supporting each other..it wont always be confetti and sparkles..so to speak.

Hey girl...welcome and stoked for you that you have found some really relatatable information on this site...it is indeed a drug that only a user. or an abuser can relate to. Embarking on any task with enthusiasm is a good mind set...don't let it fool with you...and nothing will be said from my end to try to intentionally dampen your spirits....the shit is going to give all its got to fuck with you, if it didn't at the start of a quit...you'd be the first I've heard of to escape it. You have a healthy habbit....you'll hear of much lesser amounts and also higher ...I was 100 lbs. 5'5" and taking thirty ...yup..thirty 30 mgs a day when I went to rehab in 2006. I came out and stayed clean till about 2 years ago...threw it all away to go back to what I had come to hate...adderall. I have 2 months clean ,a 3 year old son,a recovering heroin addict husband doing 4 years in prison...no money,no car,no job ..it would appear that life is pretty shitty,well,kinda...but I have recently been reminded to kinda appreciate what I have ...one key item mentioned was a life free of addiction that can be whatever it wants to be....biggest most important statement ever. That's where the core of a quit should be ..but usually comes in time...you have got to hold your own over any pusher "friend"...oh,they aren't really friends either if they know the deal and keep dropping a 30 in your lap(and free too!! Wow!) over any task or project,over the depression,the exhaustion and the weight gain...all of us ladies hate that part a real lot. You can't take adderall under any circumstances in the face of any crystal-clear reality,or mind fuck that comes a calling on you. You have to accept a little constructive observation and critiquing via people who know what your going thru. In a nutshell,ya gotta stare one mighty mother fucker down and get your life back, free of addiction,ask for help(which you have) and hang on tight. I do believe anyone can do it,people prove it on here everyday...but sometimes all components not being in go mode at once,can cause a lot of people to come and go round here. So the choice is anyone's to make and I love to see people shine on here. LOL.

Well damn girl.....if that isn't motivation I don't know what is!!!!!! YOU did it. They said YOU were the best for the job. They were thrilled to offer YOU the job!!!!! YOU are pretty great off them addies. You have carried on through the deep depression, the dillemas and the small relapse. You have rebounded with dignity,honesty and many kind words of advice shared from your own experiences and personal struggles...you read ,hear and pay attention to every detail of every post. You learn from us as we do from you, we've shared tears,laughs and a few what-the-fucks...probably more than any of us even know. You have succeeded so therefore I think we all do.. showing that good things are possible in a life absent of adderall. ..and that you relish the victory even that much more because the person you were always meant to be...achieved the brass ring. Because we all have one, and I will keep striving for mine thanks to friends like you....oh the tears,happy tears....MS. MFA,I am beyond proud of you!!!!!

Well of course religiously speaking we are supposed to do gods will not our own...personally i truely believe ones own spirituality is more relevant than ones own religion,and I know that left to my own devices,I fuck things up,I make poor choices and I can point fingers to find anyone or anything to pin it all on. I find that when I consciously step outside myself,shit always turns out fine,so I believe that destiny that was laid out when I got here 45 years ago...is actually a lot better than Heather believes it to be.

Hey...welcome back. Hope you hang in there and get thru the quit...that's no stranger to you...you've done the Benzo and opiate thing....motherfuckers for sure...my husband showed me the natures and the ways of heroin and I am now without him and my son without his father for a term of 4-5 years so sayeth the DOC OF MASSACHUSETTS . We all have our things but they all require the quit...my husband didn't stop till they put him in a cell...I didn't stop addies till I was red flagged by R.I. I have 2 months and its been kinda a bitch even lately...but these are the best ever ...the people on this site...always here for me...its my job to use that productively. So hang tight ya know it'll get better.

I have attempted to answer this 3 times and trying to remember some are without internet access. Grrrrr!!! But yes quit once..tho u covered a lot I will try.....I have very healthy children, mentally and physicially...for my challenges have often been theirs as well...I have the ability to give even with the little I have...I do it without much expectation..I have the gift of reflection...where I've been in my life,a life that I have never had to go without in as far as all my needs and then some being well met..its often my own wants that fuck up my thinking. I have what many don't...my children have what some children do not have....I have a spouse I can go visit...some have spouses that have been taken forever...I have a family that did not wash their hands of the "addict" and all of her "mistakes"...some families are getting a call to come and identify the body. I have a will greater than my own...I am blessed with forgiveness and the humility to honestly own all I have done....so really who gives a shit if the replacement pot does not fit the coffee maker....I do have a place to plug it in and need to remember those who do not.

Hahaha....I remember bringing this topic up cuz so many people commented on my little thing...I've been off em 2 months and still catch myself doing it...seeing a specialist is a personal choice ....ima try and ride it out longer. I think you'll be good...but again its up to you.

Yeah...no klonopin today. Still sleepy...not as depressed as at the start of the day...did get to the store and the boy will be off to bed soon ...I really wanted to throw myself at the mercy of an e.r for a psych evaluation this a.m ....I was so violently angry ....I also look to my friend that cancells often, for that guy validation shit...the stuff for my girlie ego that my husband. Can't just on a whim provide...nothing in a cross the line too far manner...but enough I wouldn't mention it to him(my husband) which tells me its wrong...we've never kept shit from each. Other . I. think that is fucking with me too. I need to deal with me and my own and no one else's ....thanks again all my loveys!!!!!

Plan on heading out to the grocery store and getting something kick ass for dinner ...a shit ton of Pepsi...maybe even a mixer for the Pepsi...already put the word out to the would be cancellation of plans dude...that I'm good with staying in...hanging with mom ...making my ass a size bigger...and catching some crazy moms on toddlers and tiaras. Or some say yes to the dress. Ahhhhhh,I am maybe getting o.k with these simple pleasures again.

Thanks for making sense.quit once. Maybe ill even go grocery shopping today. LOL ..and I got a text that my $$$ owed will be here at 3. That's just a bonus I suppose...a lot of that is going on my husbands books...the Guy who indeed is not cheating on me...is not conditional towards me....just let his addiction get way outta hand. And indeed I have all of the other things as well. So I will try and appreciate and give as well today.

This is horrible!!! I did manage to wash my hair like an hour and a half ago...then just left the towel on it for all that time.....HAHAHA ...I am so fucked. Seems I couldnt even complete that task without half assing it!!! Not that I care...its just typical lately. Just want to take a nap and wake up and have it be bed time....my poor kid. He just keeps going and going...and mommy sucks!!!! Supposed to go hang out with a friend tonite.. He's a good one to cop out at the last minute anyway .... but I want to save him the trouble and do it now. We've been friends forever...since high school....he has a ton of his own shit goin on too...not drugs..just life shit...he's fairweathered lately and I hate that shit.....God damn I'm rambling ...I just can't believe how mentally spent I am...and physically. Grrrrr!!!

I apologize for my constant whining ....its Saturday like 9:30 a.m....no energy...no nothing!!!!so many days I can't even get the push factor goin....if.people don't text me back...I freak on them for having no common courtesy. Got up at 430...due to going to bed at like 7 cuz. So.fuckin bored...I just wake up frustrated ...go to bed that way...I'm skipping the klonopin today see if that helps any. Cuz this is bullshit and I'm not sure where its all coming from....I'm so broke and my best friend got a tax return of like 3600.00 on the 20 th....she owes me 400.00 that I happily gave her for rent she was short on back in the summer when I had $$$$... now I hear nothing from her...I've text her and get the its going in my account at midnite...that was 2nites ago. I feel like the scumbag pestering her...why is that??? Why don't people do what you'd do for them...and I did do for her. I don't know....its like I can't catch a break...and I'm getting pissed.

Hahaha...old timers love little kids. Gotta strait push my ass outta this funk. Its funny cuz this meeting used to be like 150 people deep...and I chaired it...a year commitment! !!! Funny..now I get my 2 month chip. LOL

That's a whole other site I'm sure...and I firmly dug in that loyal and faithful I would be for 4-5 years.... I have been for the most part...but easier said than done...relationship..another dudes baggage..commitment....not in a million years!!!! No strings attached sounds great...but is there such a thing???? Don't know ...ill stick to the priority issues for now I guess. Lol

Awww thanks girl. In the rooms ...I love that!! They were where i found myself once...harder juggling them with a 3 year old this time...was just thinking of taking him maybe for a bit tonite...just to be with the positive...ya know. I'm so fuckin tired...and I have a damn baked potato in the oven cuz there's nothing else till I get to the store later...I just went fuckin backwards on everything just thinking so much about using again...ill tale half a klonopin to take the edge of the Jones ...that adds to the tired....but fuck I'm trying!!!!

All I saw was the word SEX...as part of sexist...ummmm,ill fuckin take it!!! My husbands been gone for 6 months now....and ummm,yeah..I wont go there but thats one of my "issues" for sure...I need to get ...yeah,too much I know. Maybe not by the drunk dude at the gas station tho. LOL

You are all correct!!!! There is no reason for this besides slipping off the positives like this site...and retreating to where no one can tell me shit...no one can find me....the isolation of ones own addiction. I've been letting my frustration take over and not applying my " fuckin bring it so I can kick it in the balls and conquer it" attitude. The preverbial A GAME. So to speak. Been so tired and the job thing has held low hours with minimum wage...I have 70.00 a week that'll go to my ex husband for child support...Fuckin joke..but not to the state...I need to wait tables so the piddly pay check covers the c.support and all the tips are mine. Gonna pick up here soon too...so ill find something. But most definitely Ashley there is a connection..like I said...the addict tends to hide where the healthy can't find them...doesn't help I know people who have em and are all postin on f.b all the shit they're getting done...and I get jealous...a little. That's small tho in what I'm dealing with. Today is the first day in a few I'm pushing my ass again...geting up and little here and there geting shit done...I've said out loud a few times..."fuck this heather...do this...you've done it before..DONT freak you broke the fuckin coffee pot...be grateful!"... I'm trying and fighting hard to get a handle on my head again...and ummm QUIT ONCE ...LIKE THE PIX. LOL!! LOVE U GUYS!! ..

Congrats girl on getin this shit in check ...all that you stated that you are counteracting.positively...I am struggling and countering.it in a negative manner. Lookin.g for a way around it...a way to get to it...and I don't really know why all the sudden. My my state insurance should kick in soon...I need a person to really get into my deal ..all that's gone on and all I'm handling. Reading positives is a good start.. Been so fuckin exhausted its hard to even text on here ...Somethin will give someday...but for today..I'm so happy for you that you've let so much go to get on with your life. BIG HUGS TO YOU! !!

So yeah ...2 months and for the last week or more that red flagging that appeared a God send.. Has been more like the albatross I just want to find a way around. And I won't lie...I have been researching the shit outta if there's a way...seems not. I am struggling with the doing absolutely nothing thing again...and started remembering the pleasure ...the happy...the sense of accomplishment of doing under the influence of adderall. Though I know it isn't really what it appears to be...I bought into the just a few to get a few things done. If anyone had come thru I would have taken them...but they didn't...but.why would I want to even if they did.. .I'm.not stupid about what they'll do...but I'd still take a few. Though I havnt used ...I'm at square one in my own head for this is not recovery ...its white knuckling.

It was Richards story I believe...my mom had it on when I got home from some errands. She was carefully watching....had to be easier than it was to live with it.

I bought my own damn flowers since I DONT think my husband can send em from jail ....LOL. screw valentines day!!