Heather67

Oh yes,yes and yes quit once. Doing shit the way I was this time... 10×more exhausting than when I ran my own scripts. And just strait skeezy...there's alot that needs to be worked on in me...therapist required and a non prescribing one at that. I haven't looked at alot of the dark stuff about living with my husbands heroin habbit..the impact it all has had.. and some of my own exsisting things. I need a productive life plan.

Soooo,as you all know I have fucked myself right back into this lengthy withdrawal process by being a big shot and hitting up peoples scriptsfor addies....again. Anytime I've been on pills...I handle my own everything. Doctors..pharmacies..don't ask,don't tell and don't share. Never that. LOL was always my script..hahaha..a pun,and I very much stuck to it. But in December I was red flagged by state of RI ..just gonna take their word on that..despite conflicting rumors on like blulight ..LOL. I'm not even trying it. So to get them from people I know ..and not friends...you need $$$. I do now have the hoop-dee..and a waitress job on go as soon as the girl moves...but no cash flow currently. Not being to criminally over the top...I go to the ol retail fraud kinda thing. In the past I've taken random items for this/that at a grocery store..like 2006 era...but I've been thinking the green eco bag thing for too long.and a person said..hey here's a list..get me groceries ill hook u up. K...tried this method with having money on my e.b.t card just incase...get your stuff..in the green bags...swing by customer service to get lottery tic or other can't get at register item...and hey...out the door. Hmmmm..not hard but illegal,shady and ghetto!!! Then she tells a girl who says hey no pills but half the order price in cash. Yup ..cash works. So this went on a few times at various stores along with under 20.00 no receipt still get cash returns on something I'd grab and bring to the counter. Also selling store credits for 50% cash only. HOLY GOD HEATHER...JUST SWING A DRIVE BY ALREADY!!! well..the last day I used ..I did my grocery green bag deal...but something was ummmm wrong. Felt it. Then saw it. Managers kinda at the door..looking alot..then loss prevention tactical squades at BOTH DOORS. wtf...had to ring it all up and use my card that didn't have enough and say I was coming back for the team to disperse. Cried all the way home...took a shower to wash the guilt off...it always goes the same way. Just wanted to out my criminal activity like confession kinda. Lol

This is so much worse than last time!!! Like I have the flu!!! Seriously! !! I am barely hanging in there without going to the E.R and saying I'm fucked up and withdrawing can you please help me!!! Yeah...ummm...o.k lady!!!! That'll go over huge I'm sure. Pounding headache..sick stomache..and all the other stuff I had mentioned. Oh my God..mercy..uncle..I give!!! Something. Anything.

1:00 on day 2...it has to be evil that's trying to excercise itself from ones body and mind when it feels this God damn shitty!! When will I learn. Sorry its kinda dark in here right now..but I think I'm trying vs. Just the fact that I don't have any. I'm not totally sure and that's why I feel this bad. How fucked up is that????

Day 2=hell!!!! Pissed at everything. Tired. No motivation..mood swings. Insane appetite. Insanity =using addies again and thinking it will be any different.

I love me some modge podge...and pinterest is an addiction in itself!!! I am on day one Calo..almost thru it anyway. I have laid around on my twin bed most of the day trying to distract my 3 year old..and eating"!! Non stop. I'm uncomfortable and I hate that...but I gotta start again. Everytime I fuck it up,I have to start again. I always and forever will know where to go when I fuck it up...here!!! I laugh and cry like I said...everything is like I wrote it myself. Addies induce a disturbing psuedo contentment in me...at first,then a sick feeling and almost doom like guilt...that's my conscience trying to do battle with the demon so to speak I suppose...a conscience often leads one home eventually. So knock,knock. LOL

Quit once the last sentence of the above post...fuckin perfect. Dead on. LOL. Not that I have shit to offer currently...but first time out for me...yeah about a year...that I didn't have to think about it anymore...I just did it. It engaged on its own...year 2 was great, so was year 3 till I chose to fuck my life up again. Awesome Heather..fuckin awesome Today is the first day with nothing ...or the first day with everything. Depends how one chooses to see it.

Oh Calo...I feel ya. Doctors visits and addies to purchase..and the bits and pieces of creativity left behind. This site and you guys make me feel. Laugh and cry at the same time.

Didn't want to not get back to anyone on this...since I knew u would all chime in with wonderful suggestions and reminders from a clean time gone by. First and foremost...head has to be back.In the game. Its not yet...I'm not sure why. The homefront is still crazy and I don't really stop to apply much about what's up with me when the shit has me moving at warp speed. I have a car...no job yet..but plenty opening up round here with the nicer weather. I need therapy...with a non prescribing person probably..I'm afraid of alot of things I'm.finding...after coming into holding shit down without my husband...I'm seeing that I kinda suck at it. Feel alone even with people around ...that people don't get what its like. That punching a time.clock will make me freak. Its involved..and I need to get a plan MFA..you're right. I will...the girls that have the stuff...I've known em awhile..but we don't hang out..ya know. They serve a purpose...bout it. Ill be posting this shit out and dealing with it. Thanks..thanks

Ya know!!!! Huh!!! I've done the work.of recovery before...I know the fucked part of my brain vs. The healthy part...I know what a bullshit exsistence it brings....and I KNOW THE FUCKIN TOLERANCE I HAVE FOR GEEKIN!!! I can easily take 5 of whatever mgs..by 11:00 in the a.m. That crash tho....that I don't have anymore and neither does anyone else ..that anxiety that turns to anger. That fucking Heather!!! Cuz its not adderall really...its me! !!

Soooo,people tend to disappear when they relapse..use again...go fuckin stupid again,is kinda perfect I'm thinkin. I did just that. After acquiring my bout 2.5 months..LOL this last time out...4 years another time out...I got a text from this girl I know,who knew nothing of my quitting,she said I got some,you want a few???? I had a shit ton.of stuff to get done, so Sure I said!!!! WTF HEATHER FOR REAL!!!! Funny..at first a small amount hooked me up..I was amazed!! Like 3 of the 15's... .I was golden. So those few lasted awhile..but then the deal is sealed. I just kinda sought out girls I know...hooked up a few here..few there. Cuz this is now trying to do this with my "red flag" status...and its total bullshit...of course over bout 2 months 3 doesn't cut it for the day...days off alot...but already ....those days suck!!! God damn I'm fucked up. Someone hit me in the face with a 2×4 already!!!!!

Oh fine.....45 up in the hizzle! !!! LOL. Yeah quite an age range...and damn that nuvigal!"!!! I had started a thread on that back a bit when I.heard it advertised on.the radio ...as a med for Scuse me but...HAVING A GOD DAMN 3RD SHIFT JOB!!! I was like wow...what next. I can totally relate on the total take over of stimulants....loved..loved everything about them ...even when you know they are going to kill you ...that's the addict. Nothing rational at all...I had to get to rational again...I did...3 months ago. So welcome and keep posting.

Good for you girl...I was wondering bout you too but that is madd cool. I have bout 3 months and still having my moments here and there, but life's full of em I guess!!! So keep doing it!!!

I went through the same shit with that. I got on the scale not that long after I quit...like 127 lbs!!!! What the fuck!!! I was like 115-120 and good with that...when I was waiting tables full time..popping pills and my husbands shit was all crazy...I was about 100 lbs...wayyyyy to thin. So I feel ya....I hate that dumpy feeling...none of my jeans fit..not well anyway. LOL. I feel like a lard ass...though no one could/would consider me heavy at all. And hello people???? Cellulite and muffin top ARE NOT CURVES. There's a huge difference! !!! Love when I get that.."oh you'll get some curves...some meat on your bones"?????? What the fuck ever with that. This is hard to adjust to...mine leveled out eventually last time...I've also been fairly thin like you,and I'm not the biggest fan of excercising..LOL. I'm old and I have a psycho toddler that's not usually my idea of what to do with some down time.LOL

Oh sorry...!!!!!! Hey good for you girl...my bad!!! so wrapped up in finding Kyle a career when I don't even have my own...and he'll come up with his own future in the end anyway...it got right past me!! LOL

O.k....I'm going to tell you all that you have asked to hear,and probably a little more. First...you are not managing shit,obviously. You can use the term junky if you want or don't want to....but you are an abuser of adderall...and using as prescribed is never gonna be a part of your life...no matter how much the addict tries to convince u that you can. You have to suffer through the start of of your quit and get to a life free of adderall. No more scripts...no.more lies...no more tapering off. Admit your adderall use is unmanageable ,accept defeat ,ask for help...and get to the other side. People on here have been where you are and will help you every step of the way...but you have to do the work and legit STAY OFF THE SHIT. Have you committed to that at this point???

Why does the quote hate me soooo much????

I'm thinking he's gonna really love that one!!!! Hahaha. I don't think I'm picking up on any kind of "customer service" gig. Doesn't matter who the customers are.LOL. I would think they gotta hook you up with consolation pay pretty good when the government lays you off..maybe I'm wrong...but there will be time to figure out a happier career goal. Or atleast a better suited one.

Trainspotting!!!!!! How I came to hate that movie!!!! Watched it for some reason with my husband and had to get up and go into.the bathroom many times to cry and pace...watching a bunch of fuckups inject the only happy they could find in LIFE...you could see it in their faces ...the pure lust for something that doesn't have a heartbeat....which is something their tiny baby in the crib didn't have either by the time the d-bags were done feeding their veins. Grrrrrrrrr!!! That movie just evokes a life lived not all that long ago...but yeah MFA you're right on that one. Sorry if I was over the top...its still very raw.

What is your job description in the military capacity???? Or is it top secret??? Hahaha

Come on now....I read your posts on here ...you have a certain thing about you that's very cool...you're blunt, honest,a bit twisted and you seem to have a slightly warped sense of humor.that shit can't be wasted supersizing things...we're gonna figure something really cool out for you Mr. Chaos. Lol

I think its fucked up welding shit that my really fucked up husband used to do In our fucking living room while he was ridiculously high....claiming that it was cool cuz he saw it on YouTube .....fuck you,you did. Glad those days are gone...but I think Mr. D has the proper definition...mine was more for humor.

Video game Creator/consultant/designer...how much fun would that shit be!!! LOL

Yeah,I read mixed reviews from people whom you could ummm tell what they were looking for. LOL ...but damn how much easier can they make this...and how many fucked up reasons that you need it. Insane. Pushing the shit right on my moms "lite rock" station. Wtf!