Searchingsoul9

YES. I love him. hanks for the link! I am totally checking it out

That is some great advice. I would say i should try the same thing, but i am so superficial with appearances and how i look. I mean i cried and pouted all day if i felt fat even when i was 20 lbs underweight! It's so fucked up. Now i am probably 10 lbs heavier and i feel horrifying. Exercising helps for a moment. I just am scared to go to work and have everyone thinking "ew, whats her excuse for looking so disgusting?" I woke up today DIEING to use. First thing that popped into my head. I wont lie, i am still dancing around the idea. I almost didn't come onto here because i was so ashamed. I don't want you guys to think i am a failure. I just want to feel ok. I took a shower and feel a bit better, but eugh! Last night sucked so bad. Everytime i try to quit, i end up eating more than i should and my mom always looks at me like i am a fat pig. She doesn't say that, but i can see the disgust in her eyes when i go to the kitchen, then she legit stares at me and the food. I say, "what?" and she goes "Nothing..." and turns away. It's like she hates when i am on adderall, but she hates ME when i am off of it. No one seems to like me off of it. They like the quite, skinny girl who minds her own business. Not the loud, pig who talks to much and interrupts everyone.

Exactly! My friends all smoke too. And i became extremely isolate when i quit weed and took up the pills. Thank you for sharing your ed story...nice to know i am not completely alone in that aspect of my life. When i smoke weed all i crave is junk food, in ridiculous amounts. When on the adderall i barely ate anything, and when i did it was like half a sandwich. Off of adderall and weed i try to eat healthy. But it's like a mind numbing thing for me. Eating kind of shuts my thoughts off for a while. Until they come back, worse than before. Then i have to purge or else i feel horrible

Weed is the devil for me lmao, no joke. I started experimenting with all types of drugs when i was 14 as well. Then when i was 16 i started smoking weed very heavily. I smoked 2-7 blunts a day for a good 2 and 1/2 years or more. One of the two reasons i got a skript to adderall was so i could quit weed. Which i did, until i started toking again. Now i can't have more than 2-5 hits without getting all sketchball status and paranoid. I am trying to quit it too. I don't buy anymore, but friends offer to smoke with me a bit, and who am i to pass up free drugs? No, but seriously. I hate the shit. I need to stop.

I'd like to think someday very soon i can be a poster child with you all! I just wish i wasn't using my bulimia as a coping mechanism. I did great all day. I know this isn't the right forum for eating disorders, but lets just say i spent the latter part of my night in the bathroom. Not feeling so great now. Feeling fat and disgusting. But still not willing to throw tomorrow away. Good night everybody. Best believe i'll be ranting and raving some more tomorrow!

Yes, i longed for a nice christmas, since every holiday in my household sucks ass! haha, but i was technically "sober" meaning i didn't take adderall on xmas day, did smoke weed and stuff my face though. Oh the holidays. Good luck on applying to schools! The whole application process totally sucks. I found it to be the most challenging part of school honestly.

haha, rhode island isn't toooo far from NY, where i live. feel free to come hide out by my house. Maybe if i was all bugged out on addies i would imagine you in them! lmao I am a fellow weirdo for sure!

Thank you girl! I appreciate it I suppose it is easier to be 100% truthful with complete strangers than it is to be with myself/friends...or is that just me? lol I don't know, but what i do know is you guys are truly amazing. I have only ever been on one forum before this and it was an eating disorder forum. People were nice there, but it was more like a competition or some shit. I really enjoy being able to express myself/thoughts on here. I watched this community (doesn't that sound stalker-y? ha) before i decided i needed to join and post, but i am very glad i did. One day at a time. Fucking terrifying indeed!!! xox

I start the 22nd too! Ahh, not looking forward to it. It sucks because i "planned" to quit when i got on break dec 18th...but that didn't happen, so i m behind in the game. How is quitting going for you?

Hey there! I am a research NUT. Literally. Before, after, and without addies. So, i am painfully aware of the 48 hr. half life. Before medco decided to give me a 3 month supply, i would always run out of my monthly skript at least a week or more before i was able to refill it. For me, day 3 was always the toughest. So i am preparing myself for tomorrow. After day 3, the rest was no walk in the park, but i did begin to feel more normal. I am pained to say, but i am not quite ready to throw my remaining stash out. I know that is trouble waiting to happen.I just feel that it is my security blanket at this point. If shit gets bad in my life i just like to know i have it. Just "in case" i decide my life isn't worth being sober. Fucked up? I'd say so. But i feel if i threw it out now that i would go insane. I know it's weird, but i did the same thing with my eating disorder. I would buy junk food and hoard it. Not eating or looking at it. Just knowing it was there "incase" kind of put me at ease. Not to say i didn't cave and eat it all after a fat blunt sometimes. But there were times i went weeks/months just letting it sit. I want nothing more than to be "happy" and drug free, which is my goal for today, but when i think too far ahead i get so overwhelmed and want to give up before i begin. And throwing out my pills, even the thought makes me sick. Maybe i'm asking to relapse, but all i know is right here, right now i am trying my best with the help of you all. I plan to stick it out. To stop being a slave to these pills, but the best i can do right now is fight through it. Even with them sitting inside my drawer. Too add to this, i also know no one may understand this when i say it, but if i become a fat bulimic slob off the adderall, i will go back in a heartbeat. I will need to. My life was kind of crap before the addies, it is crap with them too...but at least with them, i know i will be thin. Disordered thinking sounds even more fucked up when you write it down! haha oh boy

I am very glad to hear it! I notice some of my witty remarks are naturally coming back to me, which i missed. On adderall, when someone made a joke to me i kind of just stared blankly and then maybe found some lame retort in my mushy brain. But today i noticed some, dare i say "personality" come back to me during a text convo with a friend haha.I am glad to hear our stories are similar in ways. It is nice to relate with someone. And to top it off, you seem like a cool ass chick Very happy i came across this lovely place.

Yeah, i have considered that maybe i have some underlying cause for my disordered behavior, but my life was not a hard one like yours seemed to be. My parents got divorced when i was 5. My dad came out that he was gay. My mom was/is a great and loving mother. She was a pretty bad alcoholic my whole childhood and i took care of her a lot forcing me to grow up a bit quicker than other kids. She went to rehab when she was engaged to this abusive man. I then lived with my dad for a few months. My brother is transgendered ...born a girl, but living as a man now. It all seems a bit fucked up, but whose life isn't? I have a loving mom and dad and brother. I feel i sort of chose this path for myself. I decided to turn to bulimia and then drugs. I've had some fucked up experiences, but my story is a walk in the park compared to others. I have tried a therapit, have one now. She literally just asks me the typical, "and how does that make you feel?" bullshit. I hate talking to her, but maybe i could/should search for a new one. There is no one who specializes in eating disorders where i live though. :/

I love how positive you are! I am sorry about your hubby. But i am very glad you have a great friend to help you along the way. Friends can really make all the difference. 3 weeks is intense! Very proud of ya!

haha, i do love some good old foul lingo. I will continue to take your advice of one step at a time my friend. I have been behaving like a lazy bum all day though. Watching documentaries on meth and addiction. Can't find any on adderall though on netflix. Going to force my butt to get on the treadmill again tonight. How is YOUR day?

I totally agree about weed. I used to be a giant stoney bologna. Like 3-4 blunts a day, alone. Total loser. No life, no job, no drive. But then i quit. Now if i smoke i can only have a few hits or else i get anxious, paranoid...etc. I think the adderall really fucked weed up for me for good. Which i suppose is a good thing in the end. I need to quit weed too. It always triggers my bulimia. My cycle goes like this. Weed triggers my bulimia, which triggers my adderall use, which triggers my alcohol use, which triggers my weed use....so on and so forth. And throw ciggies somewhere/everywhere into that mix. haha Very bad indeed. You give me hope though. You quit them all, and i hope one day i can too.

I feel for you. Reading your story, i thought i could have written the same exact thing. Especially the part about the pill kicking in for a good 90 minutes tops and then it all comes crashing down. You are left feeling less motivated than before you took the pill and end up feeling like an emotionless zombie for the rest of the day. It sucks. I long for the high i once got from the pill, but as we both know, it fades quite quickly. My heart goes out to you. I am only on my second day without the pill. I wont lie, it is not wonderful, but it IS better than the adderall crash. You don't feel the need to do do do , with no desire to do anything. I have actually cried for the first time in a long time and it doesn't totally suck. It's a decent way of getting those crappy feelings out there. "These past 7 years have been a blur- I don't recall really any details, I just haven't been present for it. I live on add-fueled autopilot." This quote certainly hit home for me. Although i have only been heavily abusing the drug for about a year, it feels like one extra long month. I don't recall memories, moments, dates...it's all one confusing mindfuck. I know none of us want to look back on our lives and wonder what Could have been if we just slowed down and learned how to enjoy life. Take it for what it is, good, bad, ugly, everything. It's amazing that you finally posted on here. I promise it will help you immensely. You have the desire to quit, now all you need to do it take it one step at a time. Some good advice i got on this site was to take it minute by minute. It really helps to just be in the moment. Realize you made it through one minute, hour, day, week...etc. It is very overwhelming to think, "Well how am i going to survive without it? I have this and that to do next week and this do to next month!" Just breathe. Feel your emotions. Let yourself cry it out. Alone or with a counselor. Or here. xox

WOW. That was intense. Very thought provoking.

Thank you! I am actually craving to read a book! I used to be such a bookworm, but the second i stated taking adderall i found i couldn't sit still long enough to read a book. I felt like it was a waste of the high. Now, i feel like i could sit and read all day!

Yeah, you are spot on. I have been smoking heavily for over 4 years. But i find that without the adderall i don't have AS MUCH of a desire to smoke. With it, i tend to chain smoke during the comedown because it is the only thing that keeps me "sane". Right now, i am just so used to my routines that involve smoking. Especially when i am driving. It is so natural. I want to quit smoking, i always have. I am a slave to ciggies.

With the help of all of you guys, i made it through yesterday/night without taking any pills. So, thank you! I slept until almost noon today. Not proud of that at all. I was planning on waking up at least by 10. When school starts back i will need to be up by 5 am and out by 6, so sleeping all day is not a very good idea if i plan to stay off the drugs. I'll admit, i am worried. It is only day two though. I am going to exercise again today. I woke up with this huge desire to jog. Yet, i am on my lazy ass in bed online. I wont lie, i am scared for the weekend. I work nights at a restaurant and don't get off until 11:30-midnight. I am SO accustomed to taking my pills at 4pm and then binge drinking afterwork to come down. And i know that id have a pretty decent high after not taking the As for a few days. I don't want to think about that right now though. I feel ok today. Sort of in a fog still. Not tired, but brain feels half asleep. Woke up and drank pineapple juice and ate some pineapple. Now i am not hungry, but craving to snack. *Grr* Wish food had no appeal to me.

Congrats on being clean! Sounds like a good dream to me. Even your unconscious self knows that the drug wasn't worth it

Good to know i am not the only one with the finger discoloration. It is so embarrassing! May i ask, what did the rheumatologist suggest you do? And did they say stopping adderall could help? I have been meaning to make a docs. appointment for a while now to check my health/circulation out. Just need to actually do it! Thanks again

I have to STRONGLY agree with this. I am on day TWO of trying to quit. I woke up to reading his post. Every nerve/bone/cell in my body ACHED for an adderall. I have a 3 month supply in my room as we speak, so you can see the problem here. The glorified picture he painted of adderall and possible "controlled use" really had my mind finding ways to justify me taking my pills today. But, then i read all of your responses<3

Well, i'll start by saying i was you. And i'm sure most of everyone who first started taking adderall was too. It's all sunshine and rainbows when you first start. That's why everyone gets hooked im afraid. But all good things must come to an end. I don't even know where to begin, but like any drug you will never get the same high as you got in the beginning. Eventually you WILL build a tolerance, whether you keep taking 10mg or not. Your body will adjust to it and you will need more to get that "superman" feeling you talk about. Yes, meth is SIMILAR to adderall, but it is not the same thing. Meth IS highly addictive. And you are at a point right now where you can save yourself a lot of heartache and damage to your body, mind, and overall life. You are justifying taking this because of the amazing high you have gotten. Yet, you claim you are not, nor will become an addict. I am sorry to say but you are already well on your way to becoming a full blown one. I wont lie, your topic pissed me off a bit. You are extremely naive. I don't mean this is a mean way either, it is just that you think you can dance around addiction by taking small doses, but controlling your use at the same time. Mark my words, you will not be able to do this forever. What goes up must come down. Adderall is one thing, but meth is something completely different. Seeing as i have never touched the stuff, i can't really get into too much detail about it, but i do know it rots your teeth out, like adderall but at a much quicker rate. It is MUCH harder on your system than adderall is as well. Meth is NO JOKE. it's not like weed. You can't just toke a bit and go about your life. It will take you over. You are not stronger than meth. Now as far as you enjoying the adderall "side effects"....well insomnia and loss of appetite are the POSITIVE side effects that most everyone experiences when taking it. The side effects that you develop overtime are the ones to worry about. And no, they are not fun. It is not exciting to get tremors throughout your body and feel as if you may have a seizure or stroke and be debilitated forever. It's not a walk in the park to realize, "Hey, my blood pressure is so damn high that my eyes are starting to lose their ability to see!" Going blind is not something you would enjoy, am i right? Especially if what you want to do with your life requires eyesight. Overworking your cardiovascular system and possibly having a heart attack at any point in your life is also something to worry about. But, so is the slow death of your soul/personality. No, you don't see it yet and i didn't either! That's okay. You are in a honeymoon phase. You think you are untouchable. I was no different than you. But i words and stories don't convince you to take a second look at the path you are choosing, you will one day figure it out for yourself. And i wont be here to say i told you so. I will be here when you need someone to talk to.

haha Well, weirdos are a very good thing. Certain weirdos i am one naturally too