tinybuddha

I have been having seizures some being grand-mal. Has anyone else experienced this? I used to take way higher doses. I slipped up for a few weeks studying for boards, but not nearly at the same high dose(i know still bad)They can not figure out what is going on. They have pulled my driver's liscense temporaly because is law after documented seizure. Normally, I in past refused to go to hospital, because I was worried that might happen. I had to go to ER though couple weeks ago. I have medical background, but not much at all in neuro. I know seizure can be side effect, but just seems weird happening now not couple years ago when really taking high doses sometimes 300mg IR in a day. Also, I don't no anybody else that had this issue with addy, but maybe like me just don't talk about. If anybody knows about this please share. Thanks

Keep posting! Welcome sneekrz!!

Made through today. Def not the horrendous physical withdrawal symptoms like when I was coming off the high doses. I did not feel great. Crazy how fast now the negative physical symptoms come back so quick and before was a slow build up. I am twitching even stopping the low dose and very aware of the painful sores I made in my mouth. It reminds me of how bad it actually was before. I was in a lot of denial and numbed out. Hope that gives some other people in relapse some comfort. Feels like battle all day staying awake and try to motivate and then all night trying to sleep and shut down. Thanks for the support.

The whole concept of this seems pretty ridiculous I know, but can anyone relate to this? I am not and have never been able to just flush pills. Brings me crazy anxiety. I have done many versions of "hiding it from yourself" sometimes getting too high trying desperately to sleep with too much ambien and literally not being able to find them the next day. Sadly, not joking ripped my room apart more than once. I accidentally starting 're-dosing' myself with at bad point my night mix of 1-2 ambien, xanax or lorazpam1-2mg, benadrly 50-100mg, Cymbalta 60mg (I never realized how bad this drug actually was and role it played. Thankfully took the time to do a slow taper off this), herbal sleep supplement and sometimes throw in pain pills or whatever other downer was around(sometimes as a treat..I know pathetic) So you can imagine taking this combo twice or three times in a night was literally dangerous and also same with adderall forget that already took more(always out earlier than 'budgeted" for because of it.) I started having to keep them in the Mon/Tues/ect pill box cases. When not quitting I kept my pills right next to bed in slowly getting bigger and bigger make-up case. I didn't smoke weed back then, not sure why just didn't occur to me and guess seemed better with 'legal' (what a joke). It was pretty bad for the last year maybe more.. It was also crazy during my first few real withdrawal/quitting attempts and relapses. I still use ambien and occasional benzo ect but one a night like a regular person. I know is very bad on a multitude of levels and I hate it, but this is my only place I come that I can be completely honest and not have to down play this. My goal was to tackle after really had the adderall handled. That took WAY LONGER than I ever imagined. I wanted impatient rehab and spent countless hours wasting time trying to find. I came clean about this addiction though think most people knew but never spoke up in real way(whole other thing I guess). I moved to a new state and forced myself to change and be social with new people. The social anxiety won out many times, but first time in many years I felt real connections and actual happiness at least in spurts. The beginning was pure hell and bumpy with trying stupidly to withdraw using at some points 60-180mg vyvanse in a day. I bought every get off speed vitamin and supplement combo from over priced websites and energy drinks(spent a lot of wasted time thinking I could find the "easy or secret" way out.) Finally, just forced myself from just living in bed on pills to at least trying to feel and let go of the horrible relationship that I was stuck in. I was physically and emotionally a train wreck. I admitted defeat and stop letting the depression of what I did to my life keep me stuck in the vicious cycle. I remember going days on end without human contact and then being a raging emotional mess when I made it out. I am miles away from that now but yet still far from who and where I was before all this. Despite taking the LONG way and using up ALL of my resources I don't have much to show besides being alive and not being a zombie anymore. It seems insane that just to get to this point took three years on top of the years I spent in the addiction spiraling down. I wanted to in the spirit of accountably say I also do take wellbutrin in morning and have developed weed habit. It became anything that got me away from adderall was better. Getting down to this has been the biggest struggle and took a long time to stick. After all that I am now back "home" again in NY trying to study again and now really no time left waited 6 year max time. That is insane to realize after all I did and spent for it and just never doing the very last step:( I hate myself thinking about so I can't even let myself go fully into tonight. I need to do this not only because of the emotional and $$ debt I am in, but to squander this tooI would regret rest of my life. The painful thing I came to realize with some recovery is my heart and head really need this too. I need to feel some sense of worth and pride. This is my mountain I know I need finally overcome to make myself move forward. I think so scared of failure have not finished this and freed myself to move on. Some of other member probably have read my whining and rambling about what lead up to my situation. Where the heck did the YEARS go? How did I let myself relapse? I only have for a short time and at 20mg (not the 150-300mg days again) I hate the feeling and now very soon after I take it freak out try to smoke it away or take benzo. Even drink OJ(though know really not that big impact on practice level but guess mental thing) which is funny because used to do opposite avoid Vit C and always trying to alknize my system back then to get more out of it..ugh) Yet, despite all of this just freak out and feel that is absolutely impossible to study without it. My tolerance dropped and it will work again for a few self loathing hours. Reality is I need to be studying hard for 6hrs not 2hrs forcing myself to just not completely give up and then being spent from just that!(even with adderall relapse) The posts from the members taking the bar exam or medical boards have given me hope. I have been rereading those posts a lot lately and the responses/advice others gave them. Also, have tried to be more active in posting myself. WOW, sorry I really let myself go into a crazy off topic rant. Think for some reason needed to get all that off my chest. I am fighting not to delete because of the grammar and overall disjointed way this has poured out. I know that social isolation and doubt is the fuel to the fire and that I alway appreciate when people post. This was first day since relapse that did not cave into that just taking low dose and then regretting cycle. Or back on the level of self medicating using weed negotiating with myself when will allow myself to smoke that day or taking some pain pills or a benzo to cushion crash. I have done this already! Why did I let myself regress back? I hate the feeling of being way into my head/mind. Spending all my energy just trying to be normal and not use. I can't on any level with anyone or myself afford to keep doing that after 3years battling recovery and keep using this as an excuse to keep from truly moving on and having a real life again. I want this and need this! Why do I not know how to just be normal anymore? When reality is I need to be back at least to much higher level to pass this exam. This is really my only main obligation right now and would be impossible if was not I guess. This has also come with some major cons that came along with what needed to be sacrificed to allow myself to really attempt this. Most people would still never in million years think this is my usual friday or saturday night. Almost incomprhensable to people that have not gone through it...Anyway let me try to get back near the topic. Tonight I took my pills and wrapped them up in a box using many layer with a bow and wrote myself a note to really think about it first and remember how I feel now. My rational is I think many times if I really forced myself to calm down and think about it first or sometimes even just forced myself to wait out a bit would not make the choice to use. This would have sounded completely crazy to me years ago. I guess just hoping someone else could relate to this? At least it is a start and not going to play back into the denial of slowly slipping back into addiction. If I am going to keep ruining my life then I can at least own it first and not just let it happen to me again if that makes any sense... Not going edit this down or delete. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result"

This site and the members that come almost daily and contribute with the type of above responses are literally a god-send. This relapse would have already turned back into the downward spiral that was my life. THANK YOU!!

These responses made me feel such relief and for some reason calmed me down. I am going to end up being very late of course, but no matter what I am not letting myself back out. Thanks

I know we have spoken about this before in older threads, but for me it is one of the worst side effects of adderall that plagues me. I was always social before and in the early yrs with adderall almost made me too social. After awhile on it I isolated and was just being crazy in general at the end. When off of it or even when I lowered my dose to a normal level the social anxiety is still there. I truly hate this and find it so hard to explain to people. I am going to do something fun today with people I like and I am feeling this since of dread. I feel like the whole process of getting ready, and meeting up with people completely overwhelming. Normal stuff I used to do way more then all the time. I actually sometimes develop almost a panic attack. I feel like to the world and partly myself I wonder is this just who I have become inside flacky and lazy? I can't believe I am stressing over a 'positive' thing today. I just feel like wtf is wrong with me!!

"Those are two different animals that share the same cage" -Quit-once this really captures it perfectly! I have been using Ambien for way too long over 12 years and I am only early 30's. I think I wrote in the past about the horrendous failure my last big attempt was at quitting ambien. I had a few pills to get off of and left ambien for last as it was the lesser of evils in the impact on my life at the time. For now I just try to switch up the sleeping pills and keep my tolerance somewhat in control. Even taking the ambien many nights does very little. I often have to take other meds with it which is never good. As for relapsing with Adderall and being unsure how to handle studying without it..I am still struggling. Part of me says THIS IS IT just take the pills and study like crazy and pass the test then you can get better and be done for good. But I remember were that actually got me stuck in for years. The cycle of reasoning with yourself for another script or another last pill. I bought a new online review that was pricey(throw it on the thousands $$ spent and much wasted trying complete this degree) seems more engaging. The thing is I hate the tweaked out feeling now and even sometimes get a weird intense drowsy effect from stimulates sometimes that was the opposite of before I quit. I know with the studying it is a mental crutch now. I was exetremely physically addicted prior and that was HELL and not a place I want to go back to. Without the adderall I literally feel like I forgot how to sit down and learn. That sounds insane, but truly how I feel. I felt my self isolating which is very bad for me in every aspect with addiction and depression. I forced myself to plan a trip and thus forced to be social. The funny thing as I write this so few people would actually get that about me. You can't just tell people that you don't want to go out as much as I do without red flags so people always just assume you have a busy life. My drive for being social took a huge hit through all this. I think that ability not to have that fake exterior we develop when addicted becomes a major obstacle because it is hard to even know what is real anymore and to feel the passion I used to have for things. Feels like still coming out of the numbness and sorting out WTF happened to the last years of my life! The guilt over it and trying to pick up the pieces. It really is comforting to come here and let it spill out. I know at some point all the self medicating has to end and I have to do some real work on myself that is over do on emotional and spiritual level. The thing is I feel like I am barely holding on now to how far I have come so that again is not in near future. For now just trying to not back slide and keep going regardless. I am falling a lot, but for now my goal is just to keep getting up again. I gave up on life for awhile. I will not let myself lose sight of that. My progress with studying is slow and I may not be able to even do this after all of this(that would kill me), but better than not trying or letting the pills take over. Thanks for the support and advice. Forgive my grammar was writing in a bit of a rush.

Guilt

I would like to hear other people's experience with ambien and adderall addiction.

Adderall can make you a freak;)

Hate to admit that is probably true for me as well. It such a vicious cycle of not being able to sleep and then sleeping late.

Robin, I am in similar situation. I have been off for awhile except a relapse recently. The pressure of picking back up pieces is so stressful. I need to relearn complicated material from years ago when I first started adderall and was eight years younger. Then in few months take this life changing test. I waited to until last minute and put getting off pills first and now it is so much pressure. I feel like it might not be possible with or without adderall, but just trying to put on foot in front of the other. Today I did 2hrs of not great quality studying and it felt like forever. The last year all I did mentally was get off adderall. It went from a very deep depression and really increasing pill addiction so coming out from that was HUGE, not that I am completely over all of it. Compare today to about 2yrs ago and at least I am living, not just laying in bed all day. I did a lot of things like moving, getting off multiple meds, leaving an abusive relationship. I struggled so hard with my adderall addiction(very high dose) and still social anxiety issues that was never me before:( I could go on. I basically destroyed my life and I have put myself somewhat back together and now NEED to fix some life issues. I need to get my mind back. IDK..The motivation is biggest problem now and I need to make myself. When I went through my first year trying to quit I did all different complicated supplements. I tried all sorts of expensive products. Most was a waste of money. Anyone take a supplement in morning that makes an actual difference? Sorry about grammar and spelling, but if I start correcting it then give-up posting.

You inspired me to post a picture. My pictures before and after are pretty similar. I want to get back to the natural happy me I was in that picture taken almost a year ago after I had quit for some time. Trying to come back from this relapse, but still be able to hard core study and feels impossible:( But it reminds me I don't want to go back to the place I was.

Hi, I found that morning time became my biggest obstacle. Even now after a shorter relapse I am struggling in the morning again(never was completely over that, but bad again now). Suffering through the insomnia even with ambien and herbal sleep aids. Oddly instead of sleeping(crashing for 24hr at times) like I used to when I would binge and then stop back in the day. Instead when I quit it is like all my body wants is to rest, but my mind will not allow it. In the last year if I was lucky a good night was 4-5 hours. Anyway, I was wondering what time of day is most difficult and how you handle it? There are mornings I pull myself right back into my depression struggling and then hating myself and feeling guilty. It sounds lazy, but in the morning I feel unmotivated and depressed and I struggle to start my day without it. I always used to take it hour before 2nd alarm and I would wake up with all this energy. Well, at least for first couple of years of my addiction. I am living back in a cold climate(it really is depressing) and do not have many social activities here. That is another story. Thanks for any feedback!

I have only one shot left because I will max out on time allowed to be taken within 6yrs. Thanks you. I know actually posting and interacting was hard for me last time(even though read forum everyday) but it really helped so I am going to try.

It took me a very long time to get back(somewhat)from my addiction and depression. I have been coming to the forum longer than I would like to admit. I do not want to sound corny, but at one time it might have saved my life. My life was a mess!(It looked perfect from the outside) It still is a mess but in progress. But at least I am living not and just a zombie. I am way behind on where I should be at almost all levels but trying to put back the pieces. Mine is a long story. Anyway due to addiction, depression and leaving an abusive relationship it feels like I lost years of my life(literally can't remember)I am scrambling to fix my situation as I pretty much just did not care about anything and let stuff pile up. My parents have been very supportive with helping me get back but it has been over a year now and we both know must end. I moved away and it was very hard at first, but it was good for me in most ways. I had to move back at least temporally to be able to study. I am lucky to able to come back to my family's house rent free but it just feels so cold and depressive here. I am back here in limbo waiting for one way or another that other shoe to drop. I have degrees and all the means to be able to work. I literally have just one major test to pass and then it feels like I can finally have a life again. I must have been smart I made it through college(with high GPA) and a Medical Programl(that was hard) and did pretty well. Now I feel like I can barely motivate to make myself study even an hour. A year and a half ago getting outside the house or out of my pjs and brushing my teeth was seriously an accomplishment. I had become so depressed and addicted I barely left my house before. After many failed attempts, finally coming clean with Mom and searching for any decent rehab that was not astronomically expensive(which I was shocked but was not able to find one that would work) I moved to another state and managed through a lot of trial and error to get off the adderall and any other pills I had added on over the years.Then it became each day I got through without adderall for a success for 8 months. I took all the vitamins and supplements for awhile and some did help and others were a huge waste. Life can not just go on by only getting through a day without a pill unfortunately. Since then there have been major struggles but was able to get off most of my pills(at times I was on handfuls) I still can not shake the ambien addiction(I despertely want that)I have tried but figure one thing at a time. Adderall and my personal situation at the time were my main issue so once I finally got that under control it was easier to realize and fix my abuse of pills. I need to be back do doing at least 10hrs for 5x days a month very realistically. That is when my adderall addiction was at its peak after the honeymoon phase, but before the awful spiral down. The issue is I MUST(I am the max tim allowed 6yrs) pass this extremely difficult exam. I have been trying to study but that is big trigger. I went to an extensive review course for 10weeks. I started using but small doses. I did well with that for months but now I feel myself creeping up the doses and justifying. The self isolation is a major issue for me and coupled with studying does not help me avoid the deep depression that happened last time. I know I was not ready for this, but I have no choice. If I don't then all those tough years and thousands and thousands of dollars would have been a waste. I need to get back under control and figure out a plan before I am back chasing the dragon because I know where that can end up. I feel so lazy and guilty constantly that I am not doing the study 100%(lucky if give 50%) the way I need to help fix my life. I owe a great deal of student loans and my parents spent a lot on my education. I need help trying to figure out a plan to get this over with and still not totally destroy my life in the process. Because I know once you start using can't even clearly think about this stuff it a lll becomes twisted. I hardly write anymore so forgive any grammatical mistakes please. I could use some advice or support tonight:(

Anyone else in LI?

I would be interested to hear more about this topic. Is it mainly for detox purposes? Does it help with the repairing process? Are there side effects? Besides the acute benefits what are the long term benefits? Are there any sound scientific studies on it? (that would play an important role in my decision) I think this is a good place to start in finding possible feedback. As many of us have researched a plethora of different stimulant related issues on our journey to recovery. What is the exact name of the treatment? What are the names of some of the clinics that offer it? I am going to try to look into this a little some time this week and will let you know if I find anything helpful. Please keep us posted.

I had muscle twitches for over 6 months. The first few weeks the horrible restless leg type syndrome I was getting made me almost give up. It medically does not seem related, but only happened after binges and quitting for an exstended period of time.

Kathleen, Your post always hit home with me. I found wellbutrin to really help with quitting adderall. I felt very sick when I began, but after I built up to the 300XL the side effects went away. My doctor contributed it in part to the brand of generic wellbutrin. I was reluctant to try it because I had been on cymbalta for awhile; it was not a good experience and pretty horrible to get off. I quit adderall and cymbalta(had to do a very slow taper) around the same time. I tried to quit ambien not that long ago and it was a nightmare. The extreme exhaustion really triggered my feeling of needing adderall. I felt very tired but slept only about 6hr in 7days. Also, other stress factors like moving twice, fiances, and relationship drama played a big role. The last few weeks I have slipped back into taking the adderall. No where near the crazy high doses that I was taking before but still it fills me with self loathing that after all of this my weakness won out. It has been a great feeling not having to stress at the end of the month about not having enough pills. This last visit with my pysch.(who really is all about staying on the pills) after discussing feeling depressed again he suggested increasing my dose from 300XL(that I have been on a little under a year) to 450mg. I am not sure I want to do that. I am going to try to give it more time and see if I can do it without. I am feeling very hopeless right now. My degree that I killed myself for I am not able to use right now and feel the time ticking by on that situation as I still need to take my boards 4years later. I feel like I wasted the last 6years of my life and have nothing to show for it. It makes me feel very ashamed on a regular basis. It is like after the initial struggle of just focusing on getting off the pills to a level I didn't feel like I was going to really destroy myself or even die has been reached(it took over a year) I don't know how to start putting the pieces back together. It was difficult before but now without the crutch of the pills I feel lost and like just getting through the day without a pill can't be the rest of my life. I feel my self slipping back into isolating(a major issue of mine with adderall abuse) I am going to try to come back on the forum every day to hold myself accountable and not feel so alone in the struggle as I try to get this in check before it spirals out of control again. I pretty much left my whole life behind(which in many ways was a good thing but not entirely) when I decided to get serious about quitting. Does anyone have any advice on how to start living in the real world again after addiction? I feel lost right now. Sorry, I rambled completely off the topic of wellbutrin! Anyway, I think the wellbutrin will really help Kathleen. Your in my prayers and continue to be an inspiration to me with my struggle to become whole again after adderall. Your candor about the set backs helps more than you know. Thank you.

I tried focus factor few months back and was not impressed. It also upset my stomach. I found the L-Tyrosine to be the most effective personally. Also, adding in a vitamin with higher levels of mag, Vit D, and Vit B complex. That is just my personal experience.

Your not alone! You inspire me with your bravery in writing that post. When I have more time and courage I will share my story about relationships and adderall.

Day 15! This was the hardest one so far, but I made it through even if it was completely unproductive.

Thanks! I am 12 days clean..