quit-once

You have asked a couple of really good questions here. "How do you stay aware and be vigilant? Congratulations on solving this problem all by yourself. "Constant awareness" is the perfect screen name for you. Every time you log on here you will read that and it will remind you to NEVER let your guard down. Every time I see my name "quit once" I am reminded that relapse and quitting again is simply not an option if I care about my reputation around here. Your second question, how do you tell yourself that taking adderall "just once in a while" is never OK? You have to accept the number one rule of addiction: once you have crossed the line from occasional and responsible use to abuse and bingeing and addiction, you can NEVER return to casual use, without eventually returning to the addiction.. I have never met or heard of anybody who has gone back across that line and lived happily ever after.

Give your new job one full year before you make any determination whether you suck or not. One thing is certain...that if you went back on speed you would suck at everything while thinking you were doing just great. Adderall sucks. Addiction sucks. Relapsing sucks. Learning a new job? just another one of life's great challenges.

My dog loves cooked kale

Welcome back, FrankB. My only feedback from your posts a couple of years ago is that I remember you grew increasingly impatient with the recovery process and I don't think you gave your recovery enough time to fully take hold and get used to a life after the drugs. I suggest you dig out some of those old posts to see if you feel the same way now, or if it really is "different" this time. Good luck with your quit.

Greg, you really helped me gain some insight into my relationship with alcohol a couple of months ago. So here is my two cents regarding your relationship with Xanax. Uppers and downers are incredibly addictive. Especially the hard drugs like Adderall and Xanax. If somebody has been 'prescribed" uppers or downers, I believe they must accept, if not embrace the ensuing addiction. What is the cost of that addiction? Many, many people can simply take these drugs "as prescribed" for a really long time, and, although their addiction eventually matures, they can usually handle it because the benefit of using the drug far outweighs the inconvenience of the developing addiction. But, eventually, I think everybody gets tired of the addiction and the dependency on a substance just so they can function "normally" in life. So, I have four questions for you: 1) Are you abusing the Xanax? 2) What is (are) the costs of your addiction to Xanax? 3) What are the benefits of using Xanax? 4) Do the benefits of using Xanax outweigh the costs of the benzo addiction? For me, the costs of my developing alcohol addiction are mental anguish, less inner peace and diminished productivity after I have had a few too many, as a direct result of the alcohol abuse. Since those are all bad feelings, I try to drink responsibly and irregularly to avoid or delay the costs of my alcohol addiction from getting so high that I feel like I need to quit. I don't need it "just to function" every day. We all know what a developing addiction feels like, with our past experiences with Adderall. I really hope you can come to terms with your relationship with Xanax and make the right decision.

If you have graduated from the "60 Day Challenge" Thread, this is the place for you!

anybody can start a thread - for any topic of your choice. But I will help you out here and just start one. Please be the first to post a response.....

Adventure! Tomorrow I begin a four day, 15 mile backpacking treck into the High Uinta Mountain Wilderness Area (in Utah). This is a bucket list item. Haven't done this for ten years. It seems like towards the end of my Adderall addiction, this kind of adventure was simply not possible due to insecurity issues, and other stupid reasons not to have an adventure. I will share a picture or two with all of you upon my return.

Learning how to identify the "symptoms of depression" has been one of the most difficult tasks of Adderall recovery for me. I thought depression was always associated with thoughts of doom and gloom. Not always so. It can also cause thoughts of insecurity, regret, indecisiveness, and indecision. Good for you, AlwaysAwsome, that you can feel it coming on. I still don't know how to deal with depression when it does hit me, but recognizing it's onset is a big first step in living with it. Lately I have tried taking St. John's Wort and L- Tyrosine at the first sign of depression and I think it has helped, in some small way.

Nouedis, your post reeks of spam. I have edited out the link you posted. Don't do it again.

This forum is for anyone with an interest in quitting stimulant drugs. If quitting is something you might like to pursue....... this is the place for you!

Welcome back. It takes a lot of courage to come back to the same thread 20 months later. I hope you have re-read all of the posts in this thread, your own little piece of real estate on this great website, for encouragement and insight. Congratulations on your decision to re-quit and good luck to you!

So how will this time be different? "refusing my script refill" is not the same as telling the DR that you are addicted to them and can no longer be prescribed any stimulants, ever again. Too embarrassed to admit addiction? then lie and say you had a bad reaction to them. But you have to do something drastic and permanent or the temptation to refill will overcome you once again when the time comes. Good luck.

Grumpycat, When it comes to L-Tyrosine Dosage, for me less is best. If I feel like I might be having a shitty day, I usually take just ONE 500 mg pill. Sometimes a booster if the first one didn't quite work, and that's it. Sometimes, the depression is simply beyond what an amino acid supplement can affect.

Before quitting, I allocated a year to "recovery" and thought I would be done with it by then. After all, most other big changes in life normalize after a year, right? New job, new location, suffering a loss, etc. So I have had a hard time accepting that many of the challenges of life were actually due to Adderall recovery until much time has passed after those challenges. For example, I had infrequent heartburn well into the second year of my recovery but I thought it was all from the foods I ate that caused it. So I eliminated milk, sugar, flour and fast food from my diet. But now I can eat those foods sparingly and not get heartburn, so I know it had to be somewhat recovery-related. I recently suffered a brief, intense bout of depression and I am still having a hard time accepting that it could have been due to adderall recovery, more than four years after quitting. But it sure felt a LOT like those paralyzing weeks right after quitting where I couldn't seem to get even the most basic important stuff done or make decisions. For me, PAWS(post acute or addiction withdrawal syndrome) equals depression. Recovery time from this awful addiction is indeed a LONG journey, but it unquestionably beats living the life of addiction. The life of addiction is really just a miserable existence with a muddy future.

the question mark has been added at your request, Occasional1.

I would probably vent about an egotistical, hubristic asshole over on the "people are really pissing me off" thread.

I tried to start a thread about depression a couple of weeks ago but "something went wrong" and I lost the entire post. I never did try to retype it - such a downer topic but depression is so very real for people recovering from Adderall. Almost three weeks ago I experienced a brief, but intense bout of depression that lasted about three days. When it first came on it took me by surprise and I didn't even recognize it as depression. After all, I had no reasons for being depressed and I couldn't accept that it was PAWS or anything related to my past Adderall use over four years ago. But I googled "depression symptoms" and I had most of them, especially the lack of energy and motivation, lack of enjoyment from things I usually like doing, intense feelings of anxiety for no real reason, and loss of appetite. I have had it before but it was usually related to something bad that happened in life, but not always. On the website that listed the symptoms of depression (WebMD) it also suggested taking St Johns Wort to treat mild depression. I was desperate for something, because L-Tyrosine and fish oil weren't working anymore. So I tried it out, went someplace else for the weekend, and the depression abated. Side effects were the nasty taste of it and enhanced sunburn. Photosensitivity is listed as a possible side effect on the bottle. I just had a hard time accepting that I was depressed, in the middle of a great summer for no apparent reason. Might have been something astrological or maybe just a brief chemical imbalance. I only took the supplement for a day or two and I think it did help me to get back to a better mood.

Lions mane is mushroom mycelium that boosts your memory and cognitive abilities. Not a stimulant. I take 500 or 1000 mg once per day, most days of the week. Too much makes me overthink things. L-Tyrosine is an amino acid that does good things for your dopamine or serotonin levels. It is a nutritional antidepressant for some people, and it works for me. I usually take 500 mg on an empty stomach first thing in the morning, whenever I think I need to be antidepressed. Too much gives me headaches. Yerbe Mate is a tea made from green leaves. Lots of antioxidents and some caffeine. This morning I took 1000 mg of Lions Mane and 500 mg of L-Tyrosine and I made the coffee way too strong and ended up with severe anxiety and I was overthinking everything; the anxiety is very rare for me. Probably the strong coffee caused the anxiety. I had to eat and take a nap in order to regain a normal feeling. I also use fish oil (too much fish oil makes my ears ring and gives me the fish burps) for a mental boost and I take an occasional vitamin C and B-Complex vitamin pill. About twice per year I discontinue ALL supplements for about a month and I am getting ready to do that now. I also found that iron supplements made my back ache during sleep so I haven't taken a multivitamin in over a year.

Read some of your old posts you made a couple of years ago - they are all still here. You really struggled but you fought the good fight and YOU WON! Why give all that up now?

Grumpycat, thanks for that rant on homelessness and addiction. I don't see homeless people every day so it is easy to forget about them. Your rant made me want to be kinder and more generous when I encounter them on the street. The regrets you have for pursuing your addiction will fade with time. I always took the approach that I learned lots of life lessons about addiction that I hope to never repeat. In fact, I believe that Adderall got me through some tough times although I am sure I would have been just fine without it. It is good that you developed some empathy for other addicts as one of your life lessons from that awful addiction. And wow, five months already? that went by really fast, from my perspective anyway. It probably seems like five years for you at times. The struggle is still very real and you are doing what needs to be done. Just cut yourself some slack on the time frame you allow for the big things like a dissertation. Extensions were made for missed deadlines.

Each time I see this question as a discussion topic, I want to scream out "Fuck yes, they are ALL BAD, stay away from them!" But my more measured and tempered response is this: Stimulant DRUGS are bad if you become addicted to them and cannot control your use. Some stimulants are more like food (coffee) or supplements (fish oil). Exercise, deadlines and certain social situations can also be highly stimulating. Blueyedgirl: the fact that you noticed you were "looking forward to the next dose a little too much" speaks volumes about your self awareness and knowledge of addiction. Way to go by flushing the rest of your pills.

To Greg, Grumpycat and AlwaysAwsome, thank you for your feedback and perspectives on alcohol. It is a difficult subject for me to discuss and I sincerely appreciate you all engaging me in this conversation. Had I not experienced an Adderall addiction, I would be in solid denial that I might have a problem. I'm still not sure it is a problem....yet. But I recognize all the early symptoms of an addiction and I know it is something I will eventually need to deal with. Greg, your suggestion of quitting for a month (or even a week) scares the hell out of me because I am afraid of failure and what that might mean. It feels the same way as when I tried not to take Adderall and realized the addiction was stronger than I ever imagined. I might be an alcoholic or have an alcohol dependency. There. I said it and now I feel better. AlwaysAwsome - that ice cream churn might just be the enabler you didn't need for your ice cream addiction!

It is my deepest held belief that just one pill can and would change the course of my life in a negative and uncertain way. I am scared shitless of this evil drug and I have to believe I am violently allergic to it at all times. Wow. You sure held it together during your time of test. Did you just back out of the deal at the last minute in a moment of rationality? I try really hard not to give any mental energy to thoughts of relapse or glorification of its usage. I think of my mind as a TV set and I simply change the channel when I don't like a certain thought process. Good for you and your strong resistance, Grumpycat!

It has been about four years since I quit and two years since I updated this thread. I'm not seeking any messages or replies of "congratulations".....because I believe that congratulations should be saved for rewarding one's accomplishments. I have not achieved anything big since quitting - just a better life beyond my Adderall and nicotine addictions. I am concerned that my relationship with alcohol has become increasingly abusive, especially during the last two years. And I am clueless on what to do about it. Even though alcohol has not caused any disruptions in my life, I don't like how anticipate an occasion to drink and drink more than intended when I do. I would welcome any suggestions on how to handle this developing problem so I can avoid a train wreck later on. Before using Adderall, I drank a lot of alcohol, during Adderall, I basically quit drinking and now I can feel this alcohol addiction returning. I just wanted to update my thread and thank all of you who contribute to these forums. New content and new stories as well as regular comments and updates from all of our members is what keeps these forums interesting and entertaining.