ashley6

I'm sure it's not easy coming here and being honest. We all know the nature of the beast. You'll decide to quit when the time is right. I hope it's sooner rather than later for your well-being. Sometimes it takes a period of time to decide you're ready, and even though I was ready, it's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I truly wish you the best, and I hope you know you have a "home" here.

I failed miserably this week guys. 5 miles...whomp whomp. My week doesn't technically end until Sunday, so we'll see what I get in. Great work all of you!!!

Good job all! I did 2.5 miles tonight....some walking. I got waaaaay spoiled with the treadmill. I'm pushing hard to get even 2.5 in. I probably should've started initially outside. I'm only at 5 for the week, but I'm trying here, team!

Cassie, I'm glad you shared this. I actually googled pills anonymous a couple of days ago because I've been feeling meh....no PA in my area. I'm going through changes, going to school where my adderall use started and just haven't been in my normal routine either. I had a craving (or something like that) the other night while laying in bed, and it was VERY uncomfortable.....after 15 months, I'm like...really? Anyway, I'm thinking I might go to AA. I have similar thoughts on it as you, but I do think it does teach great coping skills and helps you realize you're not alone. I can relate to what people say in there. I'm just so uncomfortable in that setting, but it's worth it, if I can just make myself go. Again, thanks for sharing!

I got 2.5 in tonight. I'm up at school for now, so I don't have my gym to go to, and it's hot. I admire you guys for pushing through it in the heat!

I meant it light-heartedly Keep posting! It's good motivation!

I'm going to be honest, occasional, your days are quite busy. I'm impressed with how much you get done in a day. I'm starting to feel like I'm a bum. Good for you....keep it up!!!

LilTex, You bring up many good points. It's crazy you said that maybe in the future I could help her, because she's already told me she's abused it in the past, got off of it, and got back on. In the early stages of my quitting she'd bring up her "medicine" to me after numerous times of me saying, I do not want to talk about it. I really hope she's ok, but if not I would totally be there for her in the future.....that's a great point. This is all a major learning process for sure. I'm also so grateful to be sober from adderall one day at a time!

And InRecovery, you are so right!!!!

Thank you both for sharing your stories. They made me feel better. It's so annoying sometimes how vigilant and on guard we have to be, but it's the price that comes with recovery and that's just how it goes. It's worth it. Occasional, I either didn't know or had forgotten that you relapsed after years of sobriety from adderall. I KNOW all it would take is 5 mgs for me as well. Just say no But really thanks again all!

So today I'm at work, and a girl comes in that I used to work with. She used to be approximately a size 12 and now she's a size 1/2. The first thing I say is "girl, you need to eat." We've talked about my adderall issues in the past, and I know she has been on it. I'm like "how are you so skinny?" She responds, "I don't know, I eat whatever I want." Instead of ending it there, my addict brain asks her if she's still taking adderall. She says yes and goes on to tell me everything going great in her life. My heart starts racing. It's crazy after 15 months off, I still get those feelings that scare me. The second I left, I reminded myself that I let adderall ruin my life, and I have to put things into perspective. Adderall can't be a part of my life...and I know that, it's just so weird how my brain goes there, and I have to kill those thoughts. Anybody else have similar experiences that catch you off guard? Just needed to vent a little.

Wow, I feel like we are very similar in our anxiety. That's exactly what my new psychiatrist asked me a couple of days ago...."what are you anxious about?" I thought nothing in particular, but everything at the same time. Basically, my brain will find something to dwell on if I don't try to redirect my thinking. I still am struggling with doing that a lot. If you have any tips for how you specifically deal with it, I'd love some help. The new psychiatrist pointed out to me how important self-awareness is when you're suffering from anxiety. I thought...gosh, that's so true, because sometimes I'm just oblivious to what's happening. And the heart issue...YES. Only it happened when I was probably 9 or 10. I told my mom I was dying (that's how panic attacks can feel, as you know, and at that age I had no idea). So I had an EKG, stomach tests run with a tube down my throat with a camera in it....crazy shit, and it was all anxiety. I missed like 20 days of school that year, because I didn't want to leave the house. Gosh, I forgot how bad it was early on. But yes, 20 years later, I'm still trying to figure out how to cope with it succesfully. I'm sorry you deal with this, but it feels good to relate to someone. I kind of went off on a tangent here, but yes, I agree our quality of life is important, and I think we're kind of poster children for those who it can really benefit.

Rich, Welcome!!! So glad to have you! Sounds like you're already on track and doing it. Good work!

I second what LilTex said. When I hit my rock bottom, I truly believed I would die from this addiction if the madness didn't stop. Something clicked in my head. My life had been falling apart around me for a couple of years, but I remember coming to that point when I thought....I CANNOT LIVE THIS WAY ANYMORE. And I truly don't think I would've had either my sanity or my life for much longer. And to this day, I'm SO grateful I hit that rock bottom, because it has been so powerful in reminding me of why quitting was one of the best decisions I've ever made. My heart goes out to you. No matter how scary or awful you feel right now, this is a turning point for you to choose to stop the insanity that is adderall. Please stay close to the boards. We're pulling for you!!

Had a GREAT workout tonight....one of those where it just feels so good, and you're completely in the zone. 5.5 miles.....10.5 for the week.

Totally normal!

It's really interesting you've brought benzos up, because I've been dealing with some issues with it. I have to say, they are excellent medications for people with panic attacks/generalized anxiety. Who deserves to live their life being in a state of anxiety that feels unmanageable? It's not a good way to live. With that being said.... I've been on Xanax or klonopin for something like 7-8 years. I can imagine that if I quit I would have ridiculous withdrawals. I've been on the same dosage of klonopin since I started, .5mgs twice a day. My issue is I've obviously built up a tolerance to the klonopin after such a long period of time, so I'll take an extra half or one on a high anxiety day. I know you're not supposed to do this, and it does concern me because when I get towards the end of the month, and I'm low, it sends me into serious panic mode, because my anxiety raises, and I don't have much medication to manage it. I don't compare klonopin to adderall in any way, shape, or form. I don't crave it, I don't look forward to taking it, etc. The problem is I have stopped feeling like I am strong enough to cope on my own when anxiety strikes. The more I write about this, the more I'm concerned. I'm thinking about setting up a psychiatrist appointment (with a psychiatrist whom I've heard truly listens to you, rather than giving you a combination of medications) instead of going through my general practitioner, so we can really work out what's best. I do plan on getting off the klonopin, but with all the changes right now, it's not a good time. I'm rambling, but I would appreciate feedback on what you two think. Also, InRecovery, you're using the Xanax for legitimate reasons, so I think for now it's ok for you. I tend to think after going through adderall addiction, we have much more a sense of being protective of ourselves and being careful with what doctors give us....that's good, and I think you will be fine.

We totally need t-shirts. Love that idea. Who's designing them? good work, InRecovery

I just did 5 miles at gym....only let myself walk a little bit, but not much. 7 more to go!

Jon, A big congratulations on 2 months! I'm continually impressed by how self-aware and patient you are....that is what recovery is all about. It's a tough road, but you seem to be using all of the right tools. I'm proud of you and your commitment to a happier, more peaceful life that is found in recovery.

I didn't make it to 12 this week, but I WILL this week. Good work all! Occasional, that is craaaazy. I can't imagine running that far right now. Well done!

I got 4 in tonight....running and walking mixture. I don't know what happened to my sticking with only running, but I'll get back to it eventually. Content for now. 9 for the week

I agree with occasional. I don't think speed is important really. If it's a personal goal of yours, cool, but for reasons other than that I can't see why it would matter much.

Cat and InRecovery, How are you two doing this week?

Love that response! And yes, I agree with all of it. My problem is I haven't quit made it my main outlet for stress. I think I let myself get a little anxious or depressed first, when just picking up and running or walking before that happens is ideal, because it works wonders. Anywaaaaay.... I just did 5 miles outside. I'll be honest...a good chunk (like half) of it was walking, so I'm at 5 for the week