ashley6

Justb32, I want to commend you for stopping the adderall. I've read so many stories on here, mine and yours included, that are so similar. Adderall, after a period of time, ends up ruining your spirit (or it feels that way anyway). I'm so glad you're noticing so many positive changes so quickly!I was also an adderall ab(user) for close to 6 years. I'm 19 days clean and also feel much more at peace. Everyday I have to work on reminding myself how much better life is without the pills, because sometimes I hear a voice in my head lying to me telling me I want them again (not literally voices). It's just my addiction "talking." Your post is just a reminder that I need to keep fighting the good fight...thank you!

Cjw, I loved your wording on that post....."flood my cheeks with a deluge." I have been adderall-free for a week now. I've gained 7 to 8 pounds by eating loads and loads of food, but I was underweight, so this makes me happy The first 4 days I worked about three to four hours and slept 12-16 hours. I still need my naps, but I've been sleeping less. I've forgotten how great it is to enjoy food. It's a daily mental battle (it's constantly still in the back and front and all parts of my mind), and to say it's difficult is an understatement, but my personality has come back! I forgot how funny I am (or at least I appreciate that I find myself hilarious...ha). I want to be around people I care about again. I almost fear writing this post, because I feel like I'm going to jinx it, but the drug is telling me that, not me. I will keep on keepin' on!! -Ashley6

I was reading your post yesterday, and it felt like I was reading my own story. It brought me to tears. We have so much in common (aside from the obvious). You can do this!! We can do this :)

Hello all! I haven't been on here in a few weeks, and I realize it's because I've been avoiding the inevitable, which is now here.....no adderall. I decided to tell my doctor that I wanted to get off of adderall because I just worried about the physical toll it's taking on my body and worsening my anxiety. As I stated earlier, I'm prescribed 30 mg a day, but I've been taking much, much more than that. My doctor doesn't know I've been abusing it, because I've known the implications of telling him that. He agreed with me, of course, and said he'd stop prescribing me. I immediately burst into tears and told him I was too worried about quitting cold turkey. I could see him looking right through me. My addiction took over at that point, and I talked him into weaning me off to "20 mgs a day." I won't ever forget the way he looked at me sobbing over what I just told him, and I have regretted it (somewhat) the second I walked out of his office. I KNOW I did the right thing. It was me realizing that I wanted to do the best thing for myself, and I knew before I got there that day, I wasn't going to allow myself to leave his office with my Rx for 30s in hand. I'm officially out of pills, and it's an awful feeling. I feel a hint of relief at the same time, though. I just want you all to know that you're the reason I had the guts/desire to ever suggest that my doctor lowered my dosage. Since I haven't taken as prescribed in a few years, I know this was more the reality of it all setting in. I've been reading the Blue Book, and I realize I can't make any promises. I just want to show my gratitude to all of you who inspired me to take another baby step or a giant leap...however you want to look at it -Ashley

I'm so thankful to hear from all of you! I understand how this site has helped so many people quit this evil drug. I've never wanted this so much before. I have gone days here and there without adderall many times. I've struggled on and off with minor to severe anxiety my entire life. The logic of why I would be prescribed adderall and klonopin on a daily basis for six years, with my psychiatrist's primary diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, is something I will never understand. I don't blame them for my addiction, because I CHOSE to take more than prescribed. It's possible I would've been okay with my normal dosage (although, I don't believe so). I'm saying all of this because the fear of the panic attacks when not having those stupid orange pills around anymore, has taken a front seat, no matter how much I want to be sober. I literally feel like I can't breathe, my skin gets completely flushed, and I'm a walking panic attack. It usually subsides after a few days to a week, but those initial days are pure hell. The more I read about it here, it sounds like it's just my way of reacting to what everyone else feels when stopping. I've been a pessimist, worst-case scenario kind of thinker throughout most of this, but I'm learning that I have the power to change that. I have to remind myself I know I'm strong enough to do this, even if I'm fibbing to my brain a little bit. I've aced the negative, irrational thinking, so I need to focus on daily/ hourly/ minute-to-minute positive thinking. I can't thank you all enough. I only have a few more days of pills left, so ready or not...

Erin, Your post made me feel much better! No one really knows until they've been through it, so thank you! I'm going to look into the information you gave me. You're the best!

Erin, I really, really appreciate your insight.....thanks for your advice! I was immediately in tears when I started reading your response (similar to your response when you realized you had a problem). I've tried to wish this addiction away for months now. I think saying and truly accepting that I'm an addict is one of the most difficult parts of this whole thing. Addiction isn't curable, only treatable, and I've always been one to like the quick fix, hence the adderall. You're doing a great thing by sharing your story, and I will be doing the same when I kick this thing! My counselor, who's in recovery herself, said that rehab is only the beginning. You have to continue to work on staying sober. I wanted to ask you, if you don't mind, if you have/ do attend AA or NA meetings. I've been to some, and I felt uncomfortable and just kind of out of place. I also wasn't sober for long, so it's possible that was the issue. I've been considering going again, and I wanted your opinion on it. I can't thank you enough! -Ashley

Hey....I've spent hours on this site for many months now. I'm so grateful for quittingadderal, because just hearing from all of you who truly understand gives me so much solace. I'm 27 and was prescribed adderall 5 years ago. I was on 30mg IR 2xday for about 4 years, then I had to switch doctors due to lack of insurance. My new doctor prescribed me 30 mg a day for a year and a half or so. I had a boyfriend of four years, was a student at a state university, and was basically a social butterfly. Things started to go downhill my last year of college (which I'm 3 courses away from finishing almost 3 years later). I really didn't see me as having an issue at that time. I look back now and realize how irrational and just spaced out I was. I pretty much neglected my relationship, because I already had the "friend" I wanted most, and my relationship ended. The fact that I had invested so much time in energy into school and my relationship and just threw it away is something I am only coming to terms with now....that's when I started taking waaaay more than prescribed. It's so accessible to me, so I've steadily increased my intake. I finally realized that the people and things around me weren't the problem, it was me....me on adderall. I became aware of this when my roommates, who have been immensely supportive, sat me down and told me I had a problem. They've seen me for short periods without my pills, so they know the "real" me. I started making some efforts to change after that, then I just kind of slipped back into denial mode with a life filled with adderall. The problem is denial or avoidance is much easier than facing the uphill battle that lies ahead....until reality hits. Three weeks ago or so ago, everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I suddenly started grieving what I've lost and what I will continue to lose if I don't give up the pills. I decided to make an appointment with my drug counselor immediately (whom I met with a year ago) and told her I think I needed to go to treatment. She said she was proud of me and proceeded to call the inpatient rehab in my area. I was at rehab getting an evaluation an hour later, and they suggested 5-8 days inpatient followed up by 3 weeks or so of outpatient treatment. I'm also prescribed klonopin .5mgx2/day. I never thought of klonopin as my issue, because I've taken it as prescribed for 5 years, but they said the inpatient is for the benzo withdrawal; otherwise, inpatient probably wouldn't be necessary. Treatment is $550 per day, because my insurance doesn't cover substance abuse treatment. I'm to the point now where I want this to be over with so badly and get the real me back, but I can't afford treatment on my own. I told my family about a year ago that I had an issue with adderall. They're aware of it, but over time I slowly just kind of distanced myself, so I wouldn't have to discuss it with them. I have a wonderful mother who loves me dearly but worries herself sick about me. My dad is very wealthy and could afford to pay for my treatment, but I'm SO terrified to ask. He loves me but has always been a "Disneyland dad," and I have a serious issue with wanting his approval so badly. My best option is to ask him to support me, but I'm so afraid of failing and letting my family down. It sounds so irrational and overdramatic as I type this. I'm at a crossroads now. I KNOW I can't continue using, but I don't feel strong enough to do it on my own. I want to have peace and happiness for the many blessings in my life. I want my sense of humor back. I want to FEEL again without relying on a pill to dictate my life. I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions as to where to go from here. I would flush the pills down the toilet and move on with my life, if I wasn't so terrified. It's like losing a best friend.......a best friend who I've let wreck my life and let take way too much from me.