ashley6

My head is a craaaazy place too.....one day at a time

Tom, My goal is to wean myself off of the klonopin eventually, but I have pretty serious anxiety and depression, which was exacerbated greatly with adderall, but it's still there. I've gotten a couple professional opinions on what I should do regarding klonopin, and I got put on Lexapro yesterday. My plan now is to let the Lexapro become effective, and hopefully the anxiety will be more under control. I don't abuse klonopin and am on a very low dosage, but I still know it will be a bitch to get off of....thanks for your input. My goal for now is to stay off the adderall one day at a time. I let it truly screw my life up and am picking up the pieces. I wish you the best!

I want to say congrats for you and those 32 days. Each day is a big accomplishment, so kudos. I've never been addicted to anything in my life besides adderall, but all of the years I was on it, I was also prescribed klonopin. I pretty much know for a fact that I couldn't have abused the adderall like I did, 100 mg or so a day at the end, as well, without the klonopin. I couldn't have possibly dealt with the highs and lows without klonopin to mellow me out, so I could at least sleep some and not constantly be in paranoia mode. I've wondered how people could abuse adderall like us, and not have something to calm them down. I don't have a lot of advice, because I'm still trying to sort out the klonopin issue, after being clean of adderall over 3 months. I have a desire to stop taking klonopin, because I don't view myself as an addict with klonopin like I was with adderall. I don't enjoy it or get any sort of buzz from it, I'm now just physically dependent and have legitimate anxiety. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get some advice on it, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone with the cross addictions....hang in there!

I don't have a lot of advice on your situation, but one less thing to stress about is that you won't be in bed vomiting. You don't get sick from stopping these pills, just extremely tired and hungry. I've never heard of anyone getting physically sick anyway. The one "good" thing about adderall is that you don't have any life-threatening or even dangerous withdrawal effects on a physical level as you would with others like benzodiazepines or pain pills....uncomfortable as hell, yes....dangerous...no.

I worked out to "Not Afraid" last night. It came on Pandora, and I had forgotten how relevant it was. It didn't mean much to me when it came out...love it now.

I'm interested in what people think as well. I'm an avid Red Bull drinker, and my substance abuse counselor told me to be careful with drinking a lot of caffeine, because it's possible for our brains to be triggered by other, even mild, imulants. I think there's a difference between seeking a similar adderall-like buzz and just plain wanting caffeine for a little energy. I personally don't think it's good to look for replacements, so I have to evaluate my motives on why I'm drinking so much caffeine.

You've met adderall, and it makes you feel like a superhero at first....don't be fooled, it can turn on you with a fury. I'm here to say after 4 or 5 years of abuse, starting adderall is the biggest regret of my life. I can't say adderall doesn't work fine for some people, and everyone won't get addicted, but if you're having feelings you shouldn't take it after a couple of weeks, listen to your intuition!

I can't imagine you feeling that crappy after only a few weeks of use. It's a very short period of time, and I commend you for getting off of it while you're ahead. I've never used for only a short period, but I think flushing the pills would be good, in my opinion.

I forgot to mention that many people on this site suggested I read up on PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome), so I understand what is going on when I feel like shit. It wasn't an overnight process getting here, and it isn't one getting back, but the good days start becoming more frequent with time...hang in there!

lilabrooks, Your story makes me remember the torturous cycle of adderall abuse. I read your story on the other forum, and it reminded me so much of me. I got my first adderall from my friend at the library while studying for finals, and I thought it was the answer to everything from then on. I had never previously had an addictive personality, but unfortunately, I had found my calling, or so I thought. I've been off of it for a little over 100 days, and I NEVER thought I could get this far. I wish I had great words of wisdom to help you get through it, but you sound like you have what it takes to stop. You aren't in denial about what adderall is doing to you and your relationships, and I think that's really significant. I decided to stop because I was in misery, and although I was scared to death, I couldn't imagine things being worse off of adderall. I legitimately thought I was going crazy. When I got to the point where I couldn't deal with the craziness anymore, I took a few steps that I think really helped. I was on this site all the time, and I still am. It was/is a godsend. Also, I had to tell my doctor to cut me off. I told him that it was making me anxious, and I think I needed to be taken off of it. I didn't tell him the whole story, but I know my doctor, and if I asked to be taken off, he wouldn't be putting me back on it. I burst into tears when he agreed with me, because it was so sad to kiss my adderall goodbye, and he kind of stared at me confused. I, too, have access to adderall from other people if I want it, so I deleted numbers and removed myself from those situations the best I could. I was in bed constantly for over two weeks, and I let it be okay....don't feel guilty for being lazy, or tired, or sad, or for eating everything in sight. I don't know how you feel about counseling, but it has been really helpful for me having a counselor. She's in recovery herself, so she gets it. I truly believe that if I can stop, anyone can. You can do it....just be kind to yourself, don't expect too much out of yourself for awhile, and take it a day at a time. You have what it takes I wish you the best.

I've got 113 days off the evil...yaay!

Cassie and Matilda, It's great to get feedback that it's normal, because I feel like an emotional wreck. I used to pop pills to deal with everything and nothing ever got solved, and I spent hours upon months overanalyzing the situation. We can now analyze the situation, with light at the end of the tunnel.....even if it hurts a lot...thanks, ladies.

Angie, I feel for you. I was that person you described your boyfriend to be, and it must be a roller coaster for you. I did all of those things your boyfriend does, and I had a boyfriend that stuck by me through a lot of it. The saddest thing of all is that when he tried to help me, I only truly saw it as him being controlling. I thought he was the crazy one...now that I'm sober I realize it's an entirely different story. I wouldn't change/stop taking adderall for him no matter how much I loved him, because of my addiction. I loved adderall more. It sounds like you truly love him, and I'm sure he loves you too. It, unfortunately, doesn't sound like he's ready to admit he has a problem. It sounds like you have pulled out all the stops to try to help him, to no avail. He, and only he, has to be the one to realize he has a problem. I guess you have to decide if this is the relationship you want/deserve, in my opinion. I'm no expert, only have learned from years of adderall abuse, and his behaviors eerily mimic mine on adderall. I'm a sane, caring, and rational person now off of adderall, but I wondered for years if I was bipolar. I wish you wisdom to make the best decision for yourself...take care.

I got myself into a hell of a situation while being tweaked out for a couple years on adderall. It's a long and confusing story, but to sum it up, I've been living with my ex-boyfriend, who I've spent lots of time with, and who helped me to get sober. We talked last night about how it's best if we go our separate ways. It's pretty obvious this is for the best, but it feels like I got punched in the stomach. I don't know how much this even ties in with adderall, but I never imagined how bad it would feel to finally have to do this. I guess the unhealthy living situation and weird relationship we've had wouldn't have happened had I been sober. I thought when I got sober it would be easier for me to detach from him. It isn't, and I'm beginning to see the overlap in addiction to a pill and a person. Did anyone go through a breakup while in early recovery? I see so many parallels in the ending of adderall and the ending of this relationship. I'm just looking for someone who can relate...thanks!

Smalltowndreams, I had those same thoughts when I came to a crossroads in life, and I realized I had to get off of adderall. It is terrifying when you decide what you know deep down you have to do is give up the life you've become accustomed to on the pills. I can relate to you, because I was 26 when I actually admitted I had a problem. It took another year for me to summon the courage to give it up (the last year of abuse was probably the worst year of my life). I wish that no one else would have to waste another day, week, month, or year of their lives living like that, because it's misery...just do it. The fear of giving them up doesn't go away, so while you're feeling that hatred towards the pills, just go for it. It's so difficult, and I won't downplay that, but it is so worth it. I'm 100 days clean, and I know if I have did it, anyone and I mean anyone can. You seem like you have the gift of desperation, and sometimes that's what it takes to make the decision to stop the cycle of addiction. I based my whole day and life on when and how I was going to get more pills. You aren't alone. My advice is just to read through the site...post, post, post, and you'll be amazed at how much strength you pull from it. YOU are stronger than your addiction, even of you don't feel like it right now. I wish you the best...just keep coming back here

I watched that video. I'm going to search for more of it online, because it was really good. Instant gratification is what got me here, but it's quite the opposite that's going to get me out. I've had some of my best days the past week,, but I'll remind myself of what you both said about brain chemistry the next time I have bad days, because it's really important to recognize...thanks to you both. I'm just going to continue to do my best with what I can control and just be patient while the rest falls into place.

We just have to take it a day at a time! It sounds like you're doing just that...hang in there and keep coming back here. You can do this

I know what article you're talking about. I've read it many times and find it to be so true. We, adderall addicts, seem to have good intentions when starting the medication. It's acceptable/right because the doctor said so, right? I haven't touched anything besides pot in my life, and I hate it. I agree that insecurity and approval addiction are a huge part of the issue. It's weird, though, because since I've been clean I'm so much more assertive and don't care about what others think nearly as much as before....probably has something to do with not feeling paranoid and delusional about life altogether. You always offer so much insight and are very wise....thanks for helping me think through things much more rationally. It's much appreciated!.

You sound like you're doing the right things. You really just have to let it take it's course. It might require you sleeping for most of the day, but the lesson I learned from people on here is: you have to be nice to yourself. It might require you to be in bed all day, and there's nothing wrong with that, in fact, sometimes it's necessary. You've been on a hardcore stimulant, and it will take your body time to adjust.....whatever you do, don't feel guilty for being worthless for awhile. Just try to remind yourself that this is you getting healthy, and it will take time. Give yourself as much time as you need, because you and your body deserve it. I neglected/abused my mind and body for years before quitting. Our brains will recover, but it wasn't an overnight process getting here and it won't be one getting back to normal. You're taking a huge first step and should be so proud. Just remember to be kind to yourself and take it easy.....if you need to sleep most of the day, watch movies, eat everything in sight, do it for now. I wish you the best. I'm pulling for you. We're all pulling for you here. This site will help you through some tough times. -Ashley

highonlife, I'm feeling better. It comes in waves, and sometimes it can be overwhelming. I keep reminding myself that this is waaay better than life on adderall, because there is light at the end of the tunnel. Adderall is an abyss of depression and anxiety. I haven't done yoga yet but seriously plan on it this week. 40 days is an accomplishment for sure, so continue to hang in there! How are you feeling? Addy8, I appreciate the advice. I can't get into the doctor until the end of the month, but I will definitely ask about the B-12. I've never heard about that, so I'm glad to have some professional advice. Are you working on quitting? I wish you both the best....keep me posted. -Ashley

I think cutting off your supply is the way to go. You're serious about quitting, so why not go ahead and make it a done deal? I felt like slapping myself in the face initially after telling my doctor, but eventually it became a big sense of relief. You really can't go wrong telling your doctor, regardless of whether you're tempted or not (in my opinion).

highonlife, I couldn't agree with you more on the exercise. I've been pretty good about exercising since I quit. I was sitting by the pool two days ago feeling crappy, and it hit me, I hadn't exercised in a little while. I immediately got my clothes on and went for a couple mile walk, and it helped a lot. It usually does. I think it's easy to forget how much the exercise helps until you stop for a little bit and start wondering why you feel like shit. I'm so glad you responded, because I needed the reminder and motivation. I'll be focusing on working out this week. A lot of people have recommended yoga, so this just might be the week I look into it. This doctor is a good one, so I doubt he'd recommend going back on adderall, but thanks for the heads up. I will gladly let him know that adderall is evil, and I let it ruin my life for too many years. I appreciate your feedback, and I'll be acting on it -Ashley

Hey all- I'm just writing to seek a little feedback. I've been off of adderall for 90 days now and feel so depressed. I want to feel excited and proud of the 90 days I have under my belt, and I do, but the depression is so strong. I'm scheduling an appointment with a doctor ( who already knows about my history of abuse), just to get everything checked out, since I've basically neglected my body for the last 5 years. I read on here from a couple people that 90 days wasn't necessary a milestone for people feeling better. I'm going to ride it out but just looking for some words that might help....thanks! -Ashley

It sounds like you're in a tough spot. I know, personally, I've had to remove myself from anyone abusing adderall, because it's just too hard for me, selfish or not. It's sad having to make that choice, lucky for me it hasn't been family, but it's something I knew I had to do. Some people can do it. I just don't feel strong enough. I've been clean 85 days or so, and it's tough, even without being surrounded by it. I know how I was while abusing adderall, and I wasn't a good influence on anybody, because I was essentially a robot. Family is important, but do you feel like they're good influences on your kids? I hope you give yourself the best environment you can to help yourself stay sober, for yourself and your kids, if that's the decision you make. I wish you the best!' -Ashley

I wish you the best. You can do this!