ashley6

I completely agree with you quit-once. My beliefs might be based on the fact that I couldn't just take 2.5 mgs with my addicted brain, but if you're putting all this work into quitting, why not give up the 2.5, so you can get this stuff out of your life for good? The "necessary" times could become more frequent, if they haven't already. That's just my opinion. You're breaking the cycle, so why not truly break it? This is just my opinion from experience also.

I, too, struggled with social phobia and anxiety my whole life, but adderall exacerbates these after the initial honeymoon stage. That's exactly what I enjoyed with adderall: organizing, reading up on anything that sparked my interest, and cleaning, but 7 years later I had nothing to show for it except for a clean room and a loss of my personality and my soul. It's not worth selling your soul to the devil. I hope you find your way off the adderall. We're all pulling for you here.

I'm still working on feeling like myself. The problem is after 7 years on adderall, you forget the person you are. It's kind of like rebuilding from before you start adderall. I felt like myself pretty quickly, but the depression and anxiety were very intense up until now, but it's improving. I was just using adderall as a mask for the depression and anxiety, so that part is different for everyone. I fought hard to feel better, but I started antidepressants about a month and a half ago. I'm not suggesting that for everyone, but it has helped me. I saw my addictions counselor twice a week when I first quit, and I still see her once a week. She has been a godsend. Although I've been slacking lately, exercise helps a lot. I think for me, I just didn't put high expectations on myself for awhile. I was content with sleeping a lot and doing what I needed to do to get by. I think it's almost necessary to have low expectations of productivity for a little while, because you're coming off of a potent drug. I read a lot about what I was going through....read up on PAWS, post acute withdrawal syndrome, so you can understand what's going on when you feel shitty. This website has been absolutely amazing, not only because you realize you're not alone, but these people get it, and are exceptionally supportive and knowledgeable. I went to some AA meetings too. Knowledge is power, so gain as much as you can on quitting. I drop to my knees and thank God at night for helping me stay sober one more day. I don't know what your beliefs are, but there is power in finding something greater than yourself, whatever that is for you. You coming here and posting your story is a big step. No matter how strong the fear, know you'll be better off without the adderall, which has the ability to cripple you. I hope this helps...keep me posted.

Welcome to the site. It sounds like you have hit your rock bottom, and although it feels like hell, it can be what it takes to motivate you to stop living this tweaked out life. Pretty much everything you described is how I felt 5 months ago, and I decided that it was not worth the pain anymore. It takes A LOT to give up the pills. The fear is paralyzing, because for me it was all I knew anymore. I couldn't even laugh anymore and my relationships with my friends and family were crap. I blew everything off, and I was basically a nut case. 5 months off the pills, and it's been very, very tough, but once you make the decision to quit you'll realize that things start falling back into place. I've repaired so many relationships that I frankly didn't give a shit about, no matter how much I loved those people, when I was adderalled out. My friends and family are back in my life full force now, and it's so uplifting. It takes you making the decision that you want and need a real, genuine life and to be willing to go through whatever it takes to get there. I still think about adderall every single day, but now I realize all of the amazing stuff in life I'd be giving up. This drug fogs your brain so much and has you believe there is no life without it...take it from me, there is! I wish you the very best...keep posting!

Today marks 5 months ago that I started this journey without adderall. I never, ever thought I'd be here. I have a long ways to go, but I'm so proud of the progress despite the evil ways this drug can trick you...still fighting the good fight a day at a time

I love that article. It's all sooo true....good find!

I can't tell you what's best for you, only what was helpful for me in the first few months of quitting. I don't think its necessary to quit your part-time job, but for me I worked like 10 hours a week in the beginning of quitting. I had quite a long crash period due to extended use of super high dosages. I think part-time is doable, but getting off the adderall should be top priority if that's what you want. Did you have social phobia and anxiety before adderall? I always have struggled with it, but I became basically a hermit besides work when using adderall, because it amplified it SO much. You said you tried to wean yourself off of adderall and anti-anxiety meds? Why not just stop adderall cold turkey, when you're ready, because personally there is no way my anxiety could've eased up no matter what I did on adderall. It's still there after 4 months clean, but it's not the extreme ups and downs, HIGHS and LOOOOWS like adderall, and I have so much more control over my emotions now. I just think some people put stimulants and anti-anxiety medication in the same category, and stimulants are quite often the problem or what has become an extremely unhealthy "solution" to the problem in the first place. I hope this helps a little....just some food for thought.

My counselor and I discussed addiction as a disease today, and I'm not one who necessarily believes that for everyone, but I know I'm always powerless over adderall....always. It is crazy to think that we're never really "in the clear" when it comes to the potential for relapse. I agree 100% with keeping our guard up. The statistics show that after a year of recovery, rates dramatically drop for relapse, so good for you, but it is nuts to think about years down the road there being even a chance of relapse. I think that's why AA reiterates the whole powerlessness thing over and over and over again. It is the hardest thing I've ever done as well and PAWS is a real bitch. I take so much pride in these 4 months, because I NEVER thought it would be possible.

I'm definitely terrified of adderall. I thought it was a bad thing, but my counselor said when you get cocky and overly confident about it is when it's not good. Ohhhh, I've had the adderall dreams too!

I got my klonopin yesterday, just waiting for my anti-anxiety medication to start helping. They gave me a different brand than I've ever had before, and it looks straight up like adderall. I tried to go back to the pharmacy to get a different brand, because it's amazing what a pill that even looks like adderall can do. I'm going back to insist they give me something else, because I don't want a trigger, even if they think I'm crazy. I double-checked it wasn't adderall before I took it, so I didn't fall into an accidental relapse. I was so happy when I initially thought it was adderall, and my first reaction was, "I'm taking this back right now!"

I haven't seen it, but I'll be watching it...thanks!

I agree with the if i only knew then what I know now thinking, except mine goes "if I only knew then....I would've never started this shit....ever."

Quit-once, I'll use the FUCK NO! Fuck no, I'm not letting this stuff ruin my life again. I have been very proactive in the quitting process and have given up things that I thought could hinder my recovery- an unhealthy relationship, drinking, adderall friends to name a few. That's exactly why the thought scared me shitless, because I don't want that life again more than anything.

I just want to say good for you. It's not easy, and it really is like trying to find yourself again. I'm still working on it every single day because I spent over half of my 20s on this drug. People say they have no regrets in life, but I have one and that's taking my first adderall. I wish you the best on this journey. There's light at the end of the tunnel

Kathleen, It was a fleeting thought, but a strong one, and it freaked me out because that particular thought hasn't come in a long time...adderall is always on my mind, but as past tense, usually. I feel a little better now, and your post made a lot of sense about feeling lonely versus feeling jacked up and lonely. I don't want that! I've forgotten that emotional hell adderall takes you to. I got stuff done to get ready for school, went for a walk, and am going in for a massage shortly, and maybe an AA meeting later....keeping my mind busy in other words....thanks!

Today I'm driving down the road and the thought crosses my mind to take adderall. It scared the hell out of me, and I said out loud to myself in the car NO, NO, NO. All of the changes going on in my life have me scared and feeling lost and alone, and I know that's where the bad thoughts are coming from. I called a good friend who's in a similar place that I'm in, so it helped to talk it out, but I would love words of wisdom or somebody to just slap some sense into me. I'm reminding myself that adderall got me here, so it sure as hell wouldn't get me out.

Jkamay, I agree with Kathleen and Cassie. While you might have been a part of the problem in your approach with your wife, if she abusing adderall or even taking her prescribed dosage, it becomes the norm. The problem with addiction is that denial to others and oneself are the biggest part of it. With adderall especially, empathy goes out the window and agitation increases, so while she loves you, a healthy part of her is missing. I don't know if I have any advice, considering you don't feel you can approach her on the issue. I think directing her to this site was a great suggestion, but not one someone who doesn't want to face it is likely to take. Anyone who approached me about my erratic behavior was basically unleashing a beast, because I didn't want to hear it. I'm not this way with anything else in life, but I was with addiction. I hope she's not falling into this cycle, but it sounds like the classic signs. My heart goes out to you for having to deal with this drug. My mom went to Al-Anon for awhile, and it helped her extremely in the way she dealt with me....this could be an option for you?

After 7 years of adderall use, with a couple years of full-blown adderall binging, getting clean and staying clean is not a battle I'd wish on my worst enemy. It all starts by taking a little more here and there. It's not my place to say who's an addict or will become an addict, but you're playing with fire.

YOU CAN DO THIS

Kathleen, Your post is so vivid and honest. I don't think you should be ashamed to write all of that, because this is what abusing these pills does to us. I kind of cringed reading the post because it reminded me so much of the way I was with my ex-boyfriend. He moved to Dallas, far away from me, and I kept putting off moving there like I was supposed to. We were together four years total, and I was a nut case the last year of it. I would constantly stalk his Facebook, check his phone, email.....crazy shit. He was not perfect, but he did love me. I drove him away. I was convinced, along with my family and friends, that when he ended up cheating on me, that he was solely to blame. He is now married to the girl who I suspected something was going on with. It took me a year to realize that, he was wrong for cheating, but the drugs made me barely able to tolerate myself. We broke up, and we never spoke for another year and a half....not once. I decided to call him almost 2 years later and come clean, because I felt like it was something I needed to do to get healthy. It helped, I'm not saying your ex is a good person, and you aren't right to really dislike him. He might be a huge tool, but it sounds like you have a better chance of being clean without him. I pray that you find the strength to pull away from him and the pills as soon as you can. I love this quote I saw on here somewhere: "Even when it hurts like hell, hold fast, the pain is the arrow coming out, not the arrow going in."

Edie, I wish I had read your story before we messaged back and forth. You're truly a fighter. I'm SO glad you're doing what you can to get yourself well. You are so honest and open with your story....good for you. One thing that struck me is how similarly you described coke and adderall. Someone once told me they were very similar, coke more intense, adderall lasted longer...interesting. I'm pulling for you

cxpx, I agree with Cassie. I will never be able to be on a stimulant prescription and have control over it ever again. I'd be addicted to any medication that would give me any sort of speeding effect.

Edie, You've made a huge step, and meetings will give you so much support....GOOD FOR YOU.

cxpx, I thank you for your kind words. I'm glad things are looking up for you. I've realized that taking a back seat to this addiction thing does not work. It's a struggle, but I want to stay off of that crap more than anything. I hate those cravings and the aftermath of abusing for so many years, but I have to be patient and use as many tools as possible...thanks again. Your post made me feel good

cxpx, I tried toughing out the depression and anxiety for over 3 months, because it was to be expected for a little while, but it got to the point where it was getting worse, so I decided to see a doctor. I started Lexapro on Monday, so I'm hopeful it will help. I don't expect it to be a cure-all, because quitting adderall is serious stuff. I'll keep you updated. I also see my therapist once a week, and she's been extremely helpful.....thanks for your input -Ashley