ashley6

Quit-once, This post was so insightful. I logically know that this process isn't linear, but it's not easy to accept. I think accepting that is probably the most important part in beating this. It's crazy to me how the smallest things can trigger a craving, or at least a preoccupation. I'm 82 days clean and so proud, but today was one of the hardest days I've had in awhile....what gives?! I now know after reading your story that I need to continuously remind myself that it's just that-- a process with many Rs, and a pill will not solve one single problem....thank you for sharing. -Ashley

F Wings, You said it beautifully and nailed it. I'm having one of those bad days, and you reminded me why I'm doing this. -Ashley

FW and InRecovery, It's so amazing to me how similar adderall addiction is for us. I think family is probably a tough spot for any addict, but with adderall it's a functioning addict (sort of) trying to be normal versus someone who is way too strung out to give a shit. The trip actually got much better, and I left feeling so happy that I did it for 10 days sober. My family does know about it. It is something that is not discussed unless I bring it up, because they're aware that it's a sensitive subject for me, and I'm very appreciative of that. I don't have to tell my family whether I'm clean or not, because it's a night and day difference in my personality. They've made many comments about how healthy and happy I seem. It's so interesting to me that no matter how hard of a struggle being clean can be sometimes, I seem to them so much happier than I ever seemed when I was using. I'm so grateful you both responded to me and helped me realize it is a normal part of recovery. FW, I know it's really tough the first month. It's still tough the third month, but things start looking up, and it's a great feeling...hang in there. You can do it.

FW, I appreciate your encouragement. It as much needed as the past couple days have been a little rough. I've never been good with change, and I'm visiting my family out-of-town, and it's been like a whirlwind of emotions. I'm so happy I'm doing this without the pills, but it doesn't mean it's easy. I guess after 5 years of not truly feeling my emotions, it's inevitable that things will feel overwhelming sometimes. How have you been feeling? It really can be a roller coaster sometimes, but we both know that the only way it can get better is to ride it out...hang in there! We're here for you.

Cassie, I got the book "The Conquest of Happiness." I packed it up for reading on vacation this week....thanks for the suggestion.

Freedom's Wings, I want to first say congratulations for making this decision in your life. It's the hardest battle I've ever had to fight, but after 5 years on adderall, 2.5 years of ridiculous abuse, it was really the only option before I'd end up in a mental hospital or with serious heart issues. Isn't it crazy that even after knowing what it does to our bodies and souls, it's a mental tug-of-war to stay off of it. Addiction is an f-ed up thing, that I also NEVER thought I'd have an issue with. I completely identify with you on the years flying by on the pills, and then you stop, and then holy shit, who am I? It's scary, but we have to believe it's for a greater good: our future happiness and being present in our own lives. I don't have a lot of time right now to write, but I read your post, and I really wanted to tell you you have support here. I'm 67 days adderall-free, and I'm still dealing with rediscovering Ashley. I didn't have many good days for the first 30 days, but they're starting to happen. The bad ones haven't dissipated by any means, but they're less frequent. I hope you continue to come back to the site. L-tyrosine and reading to learn as much as I could on adderall addiction has really helped. We all hope you keep coming to this site. You'll find the support that you need here. You seem like you really WANT this, and that's vital. I'm also taking it one day at a time....hang in there. You should feel so proud of yourself for making this life-changing decision....congrats and best wishes! -Ashley

I agree with InRecovery completely. The whole issue here is having no control when it comes to stimulants. We don't have the ability/ "luxury" to take stimulants in moderation, or we wouldn't be here on this site, in my opinion. I wish you the very best and hope you find the strength you need!

Bearman, Your story makes me sad. It makes me hate the lies addiction legitimately makes you believe. I know it's scary. My opinion is you have to want to quit for it to work, and even then it's tough. It's definitely possible, though. I was taking about 100-120 mgs a day when I gave it up, after a period of being on it for over 5 years. It's a miserable place to be. The quitting process is not a walk in the park, but when you read back over the list of side effects this drug has given you, do you really believe it could get any worse? I'm 66 days clean, and I NEVER thought I could do it. I just got to a point where living the life on the drug was too tiring to maintain and was ruining my health, mentally and physically. I miss it often, but then I remember the dark places that awful drug has taken me--the depression, paranoia, anxiety that kept me from living life. You can, if you choose to, get off of these evil pills. I remember the gripping fear I had of, "How am I going to possibly going to live without adderall?!" The fear is what kept me using for a long time. I've discovered that most of those fears are unfounded. Most things that I thought would happen when I quit didn't happen at all. I'm just telling you, if I am doing this, anyone can. It was my best friend that turned on me with a vengeance. I hope you find the strength you need to give it up. Life on the other side of it IS worth living. It's still a work in progress for me, but the life I have now involves rational thinking, and it's not exacerbated by a very powerful stimulant. My advice to you is keep coming back to this site. It's amazing how much support you find here from people who truly get it. You are not alone! -Ashley

Hey LilTex, I live in Indiana, but I'm visiting my dad in Houston this coming week, the Woodlands actually. I would love to meet up, if you'd be available! -Ashley

InRecovery, I went through the Effexor withdrawal recently. I did taper down, because (for me) with antidepressants, it was better. I was in my adderall haze at the time, but the withdrawal wasn't too bad, besides the part where it feels like your brain is getting electrocuted. I agree with you that taking pills as a solution is not the solution, but I don't view antidepressants the same as I view adderall. Tapering wasn't an option with adderall, because it would never happen. I just don't think you should necessarily have to go cold turkey on antidepressants. I'm glad it's going okay for you, though. The withdrawal from Effexor was pleasant in comparison to adderall withdrawal....hang in there!

Is there anyone close to this area?

Kathleen, I do agree with what you said about doctors. I remember after being given an adderall in college while studying at the library, something clicked in me. It's what I thought was always missing, and I think it's a very similar experience for people who abuse adderall. I went to my doctor, filled out a short survey and was prescribed like that. I sincerely don't believe I was lying on the answers, and I think most anyone would answer that they sometimes have a hard time concentrating or feel a lack of focus....duh. Studying isn't supposed to be fun. It sounds like your dad really cares about people. I think pharmacists sometimes get it more than a lot of doctors. I've heard of psychiatrists who simply won't prescribe adderall. I believe only a very small percentage of people who are prescribed truly need it, so it's great to hear that. It works for some people, but adderall itself lends itself to abuse, no matter how you look at it, in my opinion. Adderall didn't only rob me. It OWNED me. I was buying pills illegally for the last year and a half, because I was only prescribed 30mg a day and was taking from 80-120. It feels liberating that I have broken the cycle for the past 60 days....yaay! I can only pray and work hard for another 60 and another 60.... and a lifetime. I love your attitude towards your addiction and adderall. You seem so knowledgeable and determined....keep it up, girl!

Kathleen, I'm so on board with what you're saying about doctors prescribing powerful stimulants, especially to those of us with a primary diagnosis of anxiety. These two things together are a train wreck. I take responsibility for feeding my addiction as long as I did, but I will always wonder how a doctor could ever think this was a good idea. I was also prescribed klonopin the entire time I took adderall, so this was a "perfect" recipe for me to be able to abuse the hell out of adderall, but know I had the other pill that would calm me down and allow me to sleep. I will take responsibility for my own well-being from now on, that's for sure.,

Kathleen, Your response was much needed. I responded to your post a little bit ago on the other forum, and then realized you had responded to mine here. I've experienced all of those awful fucking repercussions...every.single.one. I can't let myself forget them, so thank you for the reminder. The next time I think about missing adderall, I'll replace adderall with what it entailed. I miss being psychotic. I miss having suicidal thoughts. I miss looking emaciated. I miss not being able to laugh. I miss having to look in the mirror before I saw anyone to decide if my pupils were too dilated, and if I needed eye drops because they were also bloodshot. I miss constantly being uncomfortable in my own skin and paranoid of those around me that would notice. I think that puts it into some perspective....no thanks. I'll most likely be messaging you soon. 35 days is great! You, too, can do this....thanks, girl!

Kathleen, I just want you to know you're not alone. I, too, have been feeling depressed and anxious. I think we stopped adderall at around the same time. I've struggled on and off with depression and anxiety my whole life, but I haven't had to truly DEAL with the emotions for the past five years. It's uncomfortable and just feels foreign. I keep reminding myself that these feelings are bad, but not in comparison to how adderall exacerbated them, while at the same time numbing me. I hope you're feeling better. Cassie, your thought on not looking at recovery as a linear process made something click in my brain. It's not like getting over a cold or the flu. It made me realize that I was viewing it as just that. I stopped, so I deserve to feel better....very flawed thinking, so thank you for that insight.

Hi everyone. I had my last pill on March 30 (it was actually 3 vyvanse, because that's all I could get my hands on), but it's all the same. I feel so proud and surprised at the lengths I've gone to stay off the evil pills, no matter how difficult it's been. Today is a VERY hard day. I'm reminiscing about the good times with adderall, but I'm trying to get those thoughts out of my head, because I logically know it's my addiction lying to me. They ruined five years of my life. I need you guys to slap some sense into me and remind me that this battle is worth it, pleaseeee!

Quit-once, I want to congratulate you on one year adderall free! You must be so proud of yourself, as you very well should be! I wish you the best, and as a frequent reader of your posts, you've gotten me through some tough ones. You should give yourself a pat on the back, a round of applause, and/or a standing ovation for a job well done. I'm just over 55 days, and it gives me lots of hope to see a post like this....best wishes! -Ashley

I'm a server at Olive Garden, so I can truly appreciate that hilarious dream....so funny!

This video nails it! I love the part where his friend's talking, and he just sits there with no response, obviously too involved In his own thoughts, with no interest in what anyone else is saying. It's the epitome of being tweaked out. Paranoia in the library is all too familiar....ugh! I still get creeped out watching people pop pills....hilarious video, though.

Evie, You do need to give yourself credit....telling your doctor is a HUGE step, and it shows that you're ready to quit (scared shitless, but ready)! I wish I could say that after 30 days it's easy. It's easier physically, because all I could do was sleep and eat everything in sight for the first 30 days. My appetite is starting to balance out, and I'm sleeping much less. I still get tired often, but I've made an agreement with myself that naps are ok, if not, necessary for me. I've seen what a huge difference just taking a 20 minute walk or run makes on my energy level. I see my substance abuse counselor twice a week, because I feel I need that right now. I guess my biggest struggle currently, is just getting over the discomfort of dealing with my emotions. The first 30 days, all I could think about was adderall, and I still think about it a lot, but it's more of grieving process and learning to live with my real feelings again. Some days I feel just plain bored, and adderall was what I used to fill that void. I just have to remind myself, it's too high of a price to pay. I've already, in this short period of time, began to get closer to my family and friends again. I look and feel so much healthier. I feel sane! I don't know if this helps at all, but I find solace in learning what I'm up against. This journey we're on is so worth it. We might not feel the payoff immediately, but it will come. Patience is a virtue, and this takes lots of it...ughhh. My counselor said something to me today that I loved. SOBER stands for "son of a bitch, everything is real." I'd love to hear how you're doing, so keep checking in...godspeed -Ashley

I feel so inspired every time I read a post like yours. It's absolutely a hellish drug. I also give the people on the site credit for deciding to tell my doctor to stop prescribing me. It's been a little over 40 days for me, and I'm still taking it a day at a time. I know it's my ONLY option to having a happy life. I've posted on here many times, especially on the hard days, and I've gotten helpful feedback. I got advice from Cassie on this site, I believe, that suggested I research post acute withdrawal syndrome, also knows as PAWS. It's been incredibly helpful in understanding why I feel the way I do and what to expect. I wish you the best in your journey towards freedom from the evil pills. You can do this!!! -Ashley

Katie, I'm very happy for you!! It's not an easy road, but you're so positive and sooo right that the side effects are not worth it. I, too, had every single one of those, and it's an awful way to live. It's amazing what getting those chemicals out of the brain can do for a person's thought processes and outlook on life. I'm on this site a lot, and I've read many of your posts (probably all of them ), and I can see in your writing how much your thoughts have changed. I woke up today feeling crappy, and your post helped remind me that this is not as bad as my days on adderall. I can deal with it....sanely!! You're doing great, keep it up!! -Ashley

PostAdderall, I just read your post about Effexor, and I can tell you first-hand that that drug was awful, in my experience. I was also taking adderall with it at the time, but it had some crazy side effects. I didn't want to be on it anymore, but the side effects of coming off were really uncomfortable and strange. They call it "brain tics," but it basically feels like you're brain is being shocked every so often. I thought I was crazy, until I did a little research and found that it was a normal withdrawal side effect. My counselor pointed out something to me when I asked her opinion on getting on an antidepressant. She described that, in time, if things don't even out, it's something I could think about. She reminded me that, as an adderall addict, I've been addicted to the "quick fix." I haven't wanted to let things just happen, I wanted it to be instant. I hadn't wanted to wait it out and be patient and let my mind and body heal, but I'm more willing to do that now. Long-term amphetamine abuse is something that will take time to recover from. I'm not anti-pharma (just anti-stimulants). I think antidepressants can be extremely helpful. They've helped me in the past, and I have a prescription for Wellbutrin now. I only took it a few days and decided I'd rather wait it out without meds for a little while. I just wanted to give you something to consider in your decision on anti-depressants. I wish you the best!

Cassie, Your reply gave me a lot perspective for sure. It's good to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel. I was having a really hard day, and your post gave me hope. I even brought up to my substance abuse counselor your advice on looking at it as a "third party." I thought that was brilliant. She's told me about PAWS too, so I'll be researching that too. It really is a process, but I have to remember it's worth it...thank you! I'm glad you're doing well with 4 months....keep it up, girl!! -Ashley

I love the input and faith the people from this website have given me on my road to giving up adderall. I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar situation to mine. I'm 29 days clean. It's a bumpy road, and I never thought I'd even be here. It's been tough, but the past few days have been REALLY tough. I've been an emotional roller coaster, crying my eyes out at the smallest things. I know this is normal, but my addict mind jumps to thinking about adderall solving this, even though my logic reminds me that adderall is the reason I even got here. It's evil. I'm just looking for anyone's advice on calming my mind and dealing with the intense emotions. I want to end by saying that I know this is the best decision I've made in a long time, but I just want advice on those nagging thoughts....thank you all!!