Jon

Occaisional01, Thank you. You write it so well. I really enjoyed the way you describe the places the drug hides and loved the solution! It seems we hit a nerve with Adderall and OCD behaviors. I find them all very interesting from an insider perspective. I love hearing the artistic ways OCD behaviors are expressed from a group of people who are very creative. Thank you for mirroring my behaviors with your own experiences, thought processes and post Adderall insights. It makes me feel more.....human, I guess, for having fallen victim to the same shell game. Since you like writing, have you ever read The Sun published by Sy Safransky? It’s my favorite literature magazine. Maybe you have some stories worth submitting? Take a look at it on the website thesunmagazine.org. There is no advertising in the monthly publication, which is special right from the start. I have taken writing workshops with The Sun and they are wonderful. I find keeping my word count down is easier as the exorcism progresses. Today is day 40.

Thank you for touching base. Congratulations! Your message is a good incentive to stay with the procese of quitting.

Hi resetBrain, Thank you. I am having another good day today. I even cut the lawn and took down a wild grape arbor that had finally broken after many years of being a highlight in my woodland garden. I had amber lights strung around it. As you can imagine, over the last month, I just looked at the drooping thing with rolling eyeballs. Now it’s on to new ideas for an arbor. You are cleaver to pick up two of my mainstay, odd, behaviors while on Adderall. There were other obsessive behaviors as well. Now, these "accomplishments" are meaningless to me. Oh, the time and energy wasted! I was so busy beating down unwanted emotions with the drug (only I was unaware that the drug was suppressing my emotions) that I was unable to have a realistic perspective on my behavior. Well said: “Not worth the price†Whenever people would offer compliments on my rock garden, I would react with self-disgust, saying that it was an act of a crazy person…. and then take a pill the next morning. I heard what I was saying, but only now, sober, can I hear the message. I find it interesting and repulsive how well these drugs hide, as if demons, inside our bodies and minds, don't you? I hope my rock quarrying doesn’t continue to haunt you on your night walks. I’ve put it behind me. I am looking forward these days. Night walks sound rather pleasant. It is a different world during the night. It is a different world off Adderall!

Great Infinitya! You have made a positive step in healing. Sticking around the forum is good medicine. It's been my inspiration and salvation and you see it has been true for Occaisional01 too. Many others will chime in as you make progress. I'm glad you summoned the courage to start. Please keep us posted on your progress. Thank you. You made my day!

It's over a year later Quit-once, but I'll but you a drink or celebrate in any way that would please you and honor your work here. I like your R's of recovery, especially the Rebuild R and your HAN book. As a photographer, how could I not like a tripod approach. I am at 38 days, trying to get 45 days any way I can (a suggestion by Mike). Thank you and congratulations. You have recovered.

Hi Catw66, I was wondering how you are doing. It's been a while since your last post. When you get a moment, let us know how you are doing, okay? Thanks sweet pea.

Brandy76, The whole point of this site is that you don't have to do it alone. Believe me, you have friends here. One thing that concerns me is that in order to quit, we have to hit our bottoms. And our bottoms are individual and unique to each of us. And we are the only ones that can know when we have had enough of the Adderall merry-go-round and really want to quit, but don't know how. This site is your guide and your companion. You seem to recognize some of the negative things Adderall causes you. Are you ready to quit and get on with your life, free from Adderall?

Thank you for the encouragement Ashley6! I'm all smiles here today. Today marks the best day I've had in the 38 days since quitting and it is a very nice reward. I am doing the work, so I was wondering when I would see notable improvement. My great attitude is only possible because of you folks. You hold me up when I want to fall down. My hat is off as I take a deep bow to you all to demonstrate my gratitude.

Yes, Brandy76, and welcome back to the forum. I have noticed that I tended to listen to songs over and over and over again. This is a beautiful insight and I thank you for shedding light on it. I guess it's the OCD that Adderall brings out in us. Here's another one for you: I started collecting heart shaped rocks when I became addicted to Adderall. I couldn't pass a rock landscaped building, shopping center, places in the wild or wherever I was, I was looking for heart shaped rocks. I was good at it too. My ability to recognize patterns was magical. Of course I lost some friends along the way because I couldn't be present for them. I have hundreds of heart shaped rocks, but no love in my life to share them....how ironic. A heart of stone was beating in my chest on Adderall. All of this aside Brandy76, I hope you can rally and put on a good quit attempt with Adderall. I would not try to quit all your meds at once, especially the Xanax, because it dangerous to stop cold turkey.

I’m sorry, Infinitya, the answer is NO. Very slow tapering does not guarantee you will avoid weight gain. Everyone is unique and therefore everyone's recovery is unique. The only way to test your hypothesis lies in experimentation. Try tapering down .5mg for 2 weeks and share with us the results. Maintaining one’s ideal weight is everyone’s dream and making your dreams come true originate from virtues like determination, perseverance, hard work, and sacrifice and lifestyle choices. There is no magic pill with ever-lasting effect. Our human bodies and minds are simply not strong enough to sustain Adderall use indefinitely.

I couldn’t agree more Occaisional01. After 12 years of daily use, I simply couldn’t sustain using any longer. I found a way out by discovering this website and forum. Thank God I am off the Adderall merry-go-round! My body and mind were both pretty broken using the drug for so long.The tragedy inherent in withdrawal is less than the tragedy of staying on the drug. At least now, there is the glimmer of hope with the rewards of recovery. Cassie, I bought Gordon Livingston’s book and look forward to reading it. Thank you for introducing him to me. I am a reader above all things. I agree with your assessment about the first year off a drug be considered early recovery. I will plod my way through, one way or the other. I am determined to make it. After all, I have great support.

Hi Infinityya and welcome to the forum, Thank you for sharing your story. Read Mike's article "Now to Wean Yourself off Adderall" under the how to quit adderall tab from the home page. Many of your questions are addressed there. If you happened to gain some weight while quitting adderall, who cares, if long term health is ultimately your goal? You can drop any extra weight, in an honest way, by exercising and eating right, like you are doing now. I know....I know, the shortcut is always more appealing. If you really want to quit, you have come to the right place for support. That said, you alone, must make the decision to quit. No one can make that decision for you.

So that's what an administrator does. I suppose there is much more. Thanks Quit-once.

Amelie, I’m so sorry to learn of your young cousins premature death. I offer my sincere condolences to you and your family. It must be really hard living so far away from your family. Thank you for taking the time during this crisis to let us know that you are still committed to quitting Adderall. At the very least, you deserve an atta girl! I am so happy to count you in the quit club. I have new energy to approach my own challenges today.

Journal to myself July 26, 2013. 5 weeks without Adderall. I am finishing up my second and final week of the night shift. I am working 12 hours today, until 11 AM. I plan to do some emergency grocery shopping after work. I never could get anything done on this shift. Today I am faced with overcoming an 8 hour jet lag. It was really easy with the pill. I just rested for 2 hours and popped a 20mg pill and that kept me up until about 10 or 11 PM. I would sleep for 12 hours and be ready for a 11 AM –11 PM shift on Monday. I believe my best strategy will be not taking a two hour nap today, but brutally staying up for as long as I can and then going to bed for a sleep fest. It’s new territory. I’m having a good day tonight (3:00 AM). Whatever happens, I will treat myself well. I am learning to do that here with all of you. Thank you for your support.

Congratulations Sebastian05 on your 7 months cominp up. I know it's still a rough ride for you right now, but have every confidence in you that you will pass through this period and one day new worlds will open up for you, as they have for Cassie.

Hi Cassie, Thank you for your sharing your experience. It's nice to hear from people like you who have already traveled the hardest part of the journey. Your vision from 1.6 years out is both refreshing and sad at once. I hear your warning about wanting the pill if I am being hard on myself. While I have confidence in my quit ,it is still good to be reminded of possible pitfalls that I can be blind to. I like the way you describe your social activity now. I will use it as a sign of hope during my period of hermitage.

I used to work in a building that had a small exercise facility. I would eat lunch at my desk and workout for 30 minutes 5 days a week. I didn't do cardio, but my dumbbell routine was continuous and aerobic. I turned the A/C way down to prevent sweating. 95% of the time I had the room to myself and the building had over 500 employees! I had several different workouts for variation. The small room was my saving grace when I worked there.

Hi Cat, Thank you for keeping an eye on me. You are a senior member and, you are like a found lucky baseball bat for me…if you get what I mean by a found object. Common sense isn’t always available to me, but your post gently reminds me of it. Embrace the sloth (no offense Quit-once) for now. PUSH only when necessary, socially or otherwise. Ditch the guilt… and the shame while I’m at it. Worry about the blank canvas after the initial phase of recovery has processed itself out. Now, if I can only stay with the plan. Thank you again for showing me where the road is and for keeping me on your radar.

Yes, my appetite is returning after 30 days, but not quite there yet. I definitely enjoy what I eat more. Taking breaks, yes a real time out to take a sip of water on a hot day. Nourishment and hydration are two fairly important survival functions. I like the idea that I am regaining a sense of myself. I used to be quite the photography buff, but on addy, it all went into the delete bin. Girlfriends? I lost interest and in that statement lies volumes of Shakespeare lost. Emotionless; maybe that is what I desired, but addy took it way too far. Smiles are returning and I laughed twice last month after many years of not experiencing those all too human gifts. Onset OCD big time attention drain. I don’t even care to describe the things I constantly entertained. Good riddance Adderall. I loathe the very thought of you. Thank you all for the valuable input.

Wow! How powerful! You have told your story well Occasional01.Thank you fro giving me hope at my 30 day mark. I am so pleased that you are still around here on QuittingAdderall. In the 2 months I have been viewing the site, I have seen that there are only a select few who really make it. My plan is to be one of the success stories. I need to write a goodbye letter to Adderall too.Thank you again for your presense, support and inspiration.

Hi Cat, I just wanted to get in on this post because the topic means so much to me. In my life before Adderall, I practiced photography. Sometime when I would shoot sunrises, I would notice the new world, wet with dew, appearing before my eyes. The geese flying over the pond, past the half moon, the fox trotting by, the praying mantis poised on a weed, the dew covered painted lady butterflies: a captive subject. I felt at ONE with the universe. It was spiritual. I felt connected to everything. On Adderall, I slowly allowed all of the small things to disappear from my radar. My awareness of this missing was clumsy. I was awake, but couldn’t smell the coffee! It was like being pick-pocketed; you don’t know your wallet is missing until much later in the day, or 12 years later after taking my first Adderall pill. I feel so ashamed. I’m on day 31 of my quit today and I am having some good days. I even picked up the camera this weekend to shoot a billowing cumulus cloud, vermillion colored by the sunset. I couldn’t capture that subtle color due to my out of practice habit, but I was happy that the urge pick up the camera overcame me reflexively. A sign of hope that life is returning to my soul.

Cat, I think you are right about the dullness being cousin to feeling depressed. I am sleeping so much that what I am calling exhaustion at the end of my sleep cycle could very well be depression and keeping me in bed longer than my body needs to be. I am racking up some serious sleep/rest time. Or, what I am feeling in bed while tossing and turning could be caused by this fear that I have about getting out of bed, and then what...start creating a new life for myself without Adderall? Doing stuff without the pill is a mystery to me, other than work and stuff that has to be done. I have to push real hard to motivate in even these simple directions, like food shopping, preparing meals and cutting the lawn. Thanks for sharing your story about arriving at the Canadian border only to turn around and drive home. I’m glad you can laugh about it now. I give you an A+ for effort, to even consider going to the concert and campout. Camping take a lot more energy than staying in a hotel. You mad a good decision to turn back and head home. Other than all the overtime I had to work the week before last, I haven't tried doing anything social. Oh, I did have quick diner with friends last Monday. I knew up front that I was going to be dipping the bucket into an empty well. At this point, I ask only for clarity about how much rest my body really needs, and satisfying those needs, or staying in bed or on the couch, because I am afraid to face life without the pill to get me going. Any thoughts on this line, of knowing when to push yourself or nourish yourself at day 31, by anyone reading this post, is greatly appreciated. I thank you in advance. Perhaps this is something for me to turn over to my higher power. That’s always a tough one for me to do. Thanks Cat, for being with me. Together, maybe we can do this, one day at a time.

Let it all hang out MFA. Your posts have encouraged and inspired me from before quitting to 30 days quit today. It's nice to see you living a completely human life one day at a time. Thank you for your openess, honesty and bravery in our shared struggle.

Just watched 5 episodes and am hooked on the show. It's reassuring to know that there are worse addictions than Adderall....much worse. I find salvation in my suffering when I see these meth cooked characters. I feel fortunate. The digging video was one of the episodes I watched. The guy didn't even care that he wasn't digging for anything, other than "it". "It's down there" was enough reason to pick up the shovel and start digging. Productivity without a goal is certainly a waste of time but also a definition of insanity. This video brings the message home with clarity. So true for much of my time with Adderall.