Jon

Hi Amelie, I appreciate your reply. Thank you for making specific comments about the poem. The Journey means so much to me. I really love good literature and poetry. I had posted a comment on your thread earlier today because I thought we were so close in our quitting times. Today is day 16 for me, day 9 for you, I believe. I feel pretty good today, even though I am tired most of the time. Your advice to surrender to the process is sound. I am prepared to take time off from work if I need to. My co-workers are working with me on the shifts and the overtime. I sincerely believe that the first quit carries a magical charm that contributes to long- term success. I really want to make it stick. I really want it to stick for you too, Amelie. I'm glad you made the decision to take some time off from work, even though the cost is great. Your priorities are in order. The sound of a sober mind is at work for you. May you be peaceful and happy. May you be free from harm. May you be as healthy and as strong as you can be. May you know the ease of well-being.

Heather, Good job on the getting 4 days. The first days are the hardest to earn. I hope you are able to get a few essential things accompliched today. Believe me, I know how hard it is. I'm on day 16 after 12 years of continuous use. I'm sorry to know that your brain tricked you into thinking you could try controlled use. I know what that's like. I quit cigarette smoking for 25 years, then one day a friend offered me a cigar to celebrate the birth of his son. At first I said no, but he persisted and I had one. I remember my mind thinking "Well, it's not a cigarette". Next thing you know, I'm smoking 10 cigars a day and inhaling them just like cigarettes. It took me 4 years and 2 attempts before moving away from cigars. How clever the mind is. We have to be on guard forever.

Hi Amelie, How are you doing? We are both in the early stages of coming off this drug. Day 9 for you and day 16 for me. I'm not aware of any other newbe's that have actually quit. I feel somewhat improved today, Monday. I'm working a 12 hour shift at work 11 AM - 11 PM) and at least I was able to get out of bed in time to show up at 11 AM. I slept quite a lot over the weekend and kept myself isolated. I missed breakfast at Wimbeldon on Sunday morning. I didn't get out of bed until 1 PM. The match was over. Luckily, they showed Murray's 3rd set victory again around 2 PM. Hope your feeling a little bit better too.

Quit-once, Thank you for your feedback and message of congratulations. Your experience on this site carries a lot of weight. Thank you for still being here for the newcomers. I strongly relate to your statement of feeling like an old man toward the end of your addiction. That is exactly how I have been describing myself for the last few years, only I usually blamed the shift work. I even had myself and family convinced that shift work was to blame for my constant state of exhaustion. Of course, now that I have actually quit, I feel older still. In fact I feel as though I’ve been buried alive, so heavy is the burden of racking up hours paid in bed. The thing that worries me right now is the overtime that is expected of me to work next week? I came in 4 hours early today and, honestly, it hasn’t been pretty. I had to curl up and hide under my desk a half dozen times to close my eyes. I was the only person in the room. That will not be the case next week. I would have been okay if I had not woken at 5:30 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep. That 5:30 awakening phenomenon seems to occur about twice a week, otherwise I’m fine on 9 or 10 hours of sleep and a few more hours of half sleep on the couch, 12-13 in all. Due to the urgency of having to work12 hour shifts for 3 days; Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday next week, I have some serious concerns about my ability to make my payments and continue working. Something has got to give. Thank you again Quit-once for reminding me of some compelling reasons to quit and stay quit. Your words ring true for me.

My story is similar to yours. Recovery began with a single thought. Is it possible to be free of this addiction? The first line of Mary Oliver’s famous poem “The Journey†says you can be. The Journey By Mary Oliver One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began. Though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice – though the whole house began to tremble, and you felt the old tug at your ankles. “Mend my life!†each voice cried. But you didn’t stop. You knew what you had to do. Though the wind pried, with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road was full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, Determined to do the only thing you could do, Determined to save the only life you could save. I didn’t know how to go about it until….I found this website and read your stories. I scoured the whole site. Mikes articles really got me thinking that quitting is possible for me and your stories convinced me that I’m not alone in the endeavor. How did I know what I had to do? I’m not sure who coined the word Adderall Zombie on this site, but I related. I felt like the living dead.The pill's energy was shooting off in off in every direction except at the target. I needed a way out. I had been putting out feelers for help for the last 3 months and was unable to find anything or anybody that understood what quitting Adderall was all about. It is a unique addiction. The shame factor for me was strong and Adderall was the most guarded secret of my life. I read Mike’s article about weaning yourself off Adderall and thought, since I’ve been whittling it down for the last year or so I thought maybe that’s for me. One of the suggestions in the article was to try taking a vacation day from the drug. That was something I have never done in the 12 years of using the drug. I took Mike up on the suggestion, on a Saturday, and much to my surprise, I survived. A week later on June 22, 2013 I quit. As of today, it has been 11 days of Adderall freedom and I feel pretty good about it. I sleep 12 hours or more a day. I don’t like that, but I figure the Devil has to be paid. Does anyone else like the metaphor of addiction and transformation in Mary Oliver’s poem? She is one of my inspirations for quitting and staying quit.

Thank you InRecovery. I new to any kind of online membership, so the tips are very helpful. Jon

Hi Cat, Thank you for responding. I also continue to take the Ambien because I too want to avoid the double whammy. Today is day 10 off Adderall. Whew, I can hardly believe it! I am sleeping less but still sleeping 12 hours a day. I go to bed around 1 AM (work until 11 PM) sleep in bed until around 11 AM, then slide out of bed and make it to the couch for another 2 hours of half sleep. Since I have to be at work at 3 PM, I figure that 1 PM is the latest I can stay down, so I get up and push the start button on the coffee machine and head back to the couch for another 5 minutes of leaden rest. Then I drink the coffee and begin to feel like it’s okay to wake up. I will live another day. Huh, how about that? I do plan to quite the Ambien eventually. Thank you for your guideline. I will use it. The supplements you spoke of, the fish oil in particular; is it the brand recommended by Mike on this site? Since my schedule rotates and most of my work time (2/3'rds of it) is at night and I am requiring so much sleep, the 6 AM shotgun awakening is frightening, but coffee in bed is very seductive. I can use a thermos for the creamer. I can't do black coffee. I can do black espresso, which I used to use a French Press to make. I also could use a Zip Fizz energy drink shot (4 ozs.), as long as my tummy can tolerate it. All good ideas and I am grateful that you took the opportunity to share honestly with me. Thank you, Cat, for your self-expression, your suggestions and sharing your experience, strength and Hope with me. Jon

Ashley, You're welcome for the poem. It's a hallmark piece by Mary Oliver on change, especially difficult or challenging change. You will probably come across it again in your lifetime. If it’s well read, it can be bone chilling. Good luck with the child and adolescent development class, this fall. I'm glad it's not calculus, hell no! I wonder if the class will cover ADHD? Now that would be interesting. You may have a chance to be a voice for all of the poor souls who would otherwise drown by their doctor’s prescriptions.

Stress from job disatisfaction can be a large contributor to sleep disruption as can the stress from looking for another job. I know this from experience. Stress can cause many a symptom with sleep disruption ranking high on the list of possibles. It's just a suggestion, but look to calming activities like meditation or yoga.Something to bridge you over your current job situation. All the best.

I forgot to ask, wht class are you taking to complete your degree? I hope it's not calculus.

Ashley, Congratulations on 15 months. As a reward, here is the Mary Oliver Poem I sopke of in the other thread: I hope you like it as much as I do. Nice work sweet pea. The Journey By Mary Oliver One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began. Though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice – though the whole house began to tremble, and you felt the old tug at your ankles. “Mend my life!†each voice cried. But you didn’t stop. You knew what you had to do. Though the wind pried, with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road was full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, Determined to do the only thing you could do, Determined to save the only life you could save.

Thank you for responding Ashley. God knows, I need the support. I feel so isolated, like I’m going it alone. I’ve had to come to terms with smoking and alcohol addictions earlier in my life and always had the benefit of an in person group environment. Being part of a group is what makes all the difference in the success of any quit, in my opinion, so your input is received with relief, refreshment and gratitude. I appreciate your honesty about recovery being a long process. I am disappointed, but it shouldn’t surprise me. It seems fair enough that the price to be extracted shall be equal to the degree of accomplishment I achieved while taking the drug. I accomplished much, most of it physical. How’s this for crazy? I collected over 240 tons of quarry rock, painstakingly excavated from an abandoned quarry, two states away, transported it to my house by car, and built a rock wall dividing garden and woodland habitats. It looks like the work of 10 men. I used to call myself a human backhoe. Now, I can hardly keep up with mowing the lawn, let alone the maintenance of gardens, the paths and the trees. I never took more than prescribed, but I took it as I needed it to satisfy my energy needs, so yes, I abused the drug. I have never run out and have a stockpile that is outrageous. I haven’t tossed any of it yet. Ultimately, my reason for wanting to quit is to recover that part of myself I have surrendered to Adderall — my peace, my spirit, my smile, the ease of my breathing, my passions for photography, hiking and discovery that I once had. They have all slipped away as if silently while I slept. I had never taken a vacation day from the drug (I can hardly believe this fact) since I was first prescribed it in 2001 for fatigue and depression resistance to SSRI’s. I was started at 5 mg 3X per day, increasing to 30 mg XR then adding another 20 mg IR in the afternoon. I kept chasing the euphoria and the psychiatrist would prescribe whatever I felt I needed or wanted. This usage went on for about 8 years before I started tapering down due to self-awareness of who I was and the impossibility of sustaining euphoria all of the time. Then I found this website and after reading Mike’s “Weaning yourself off Adderall†article, I decided to try a vacation day. A week later, I started my quit. A caveat: Over the last 2 years, I had also weaned myself down to 10 mg IR and an additional 5 mg IR If I needed it, which happened mainly on weekends to get yard work and other chores done. I have this opportunity to quit because I am working the 3 PM - 11 PM shift for a solid month ( a freak set of circumstances), sleeping as late as I need to, otherwise I was going to wait until I retired to quit (I’m 58) at the end of this year or next year. Instead, I seized the moment as Mary Oliver said so beautifully in her poem The Journey, “One day you finally knew what you had to do and beganâ€. I wish the amount of sleep I require were less life intrusive. My body feels like it was made from lead and my mind, while laying in bed but not sleeping, is like a vulture circling above me just looking for something terrifying to land on. Thanks to the support I've gained from this site (thank you everyone, thank you Mike, Thank you Ashley) I have confidence of sustaining my quit. My biggest fear is when I rotate back to the world ( I work rotating shifts. I know it’s a hostile environment for quitting): the dreaded 7 AM - 3 PM day shift. What will I do at 6 AM to get me going without the precious pill? Ashley, please stay in touch.

I've stopped for 7 days now and still have trouble staying asleep. I took Adderall in many forms and doses over the past 12 years. I tapered down to 10 mg in the AM and another 5 mg if I felt tired in the early afternoon. I'm also addicted to ambien which I figured a requirment while taking Adderall. Isn't everyone taking some sort of sleep medicine while on Adderall? In the 7 days of lonley sobriety I can still feel the Adderall buzz in my body and mind. I stay down for 14 hours a day, but most of it is not sleeping, just resting in half sleep. Question: Am I going to have a hard time due to the duration of my Adderall use?