Jon

It’s hard to believe that 2 months could pass by so quickly yet be so memorably painful. The applause goes to all of the members of the forum. Your support has made all of the difference for me. My quit would not have been possible without you. Thank you all so very much, especially those of you who have reached out to me personally. I think that I am just about where you would expect a two-month old Adderall baby-quitter to be in terms of recovery. I am addressing the “other pillsâ€, slowly but surely, that supported the Adderall habit. Thank you all for not making me feel alone with these issues also. I have the rebound anxiety. It is very uncomfortable, especially in the mornings. There is a definite absence of crazy creative OCD behaviors. I can finally pass a bed of rock without rubbernecking (it’s an inside joke). I am still isolating myself from activities and people, focusing mainly on the essential tasks and the tasks of the “couch potato.†Strangely, it occurs to me that the more I do… the more… motivated… I feel (MFA in my brain somehow). It’s all so exhausting and so boring. I am blessed, however. I do not have cravings. It is not uncommon (Mike, et al), but I am aware of the dangers of relapsing. It’s a slippery slope. I am concerned about getting rid of my stash. I’m not exactly comfortable handling the pills. Someone called them orange devils. I like that description. Orange was my flavor. It’s the photographer’s full moon tonight. You take your full moon pictures the day before the actual full moon in order to make use of the suns golden light cast on a subject of your design or choosing. This way you have a nicely lit foreground subject with a full moon to carry the background. No one can tell the difference. The moon appears to be full in the image. I noticed this moon on a 30 minute speed walk I put in tonight as part of my continuing effort to put recovery coins in my own recovery account. Someday it will amount to something. Jon

Thank you for the inspiration Blesbro. What is clear in your message is that both TIME and EFFORT are necessary for recovery. Got it. Now let’s see if I can apply it.

It’s hard for our written stories to cover the length and pain of our use, but you have done a remarkable job sharing your amazing five year story with us, Mapquest. I am pleased that you entitled it as you did because there truly is always hope. Thank you for sharing your inspiring story with us. I wonder if the forum was an important tool for you to get to your three-month anniversary. Congratulations!

I agree with Quit-once. The last paragraph carries the heart of the message. The decision to act is what I am struggling with today. I am two months Adderall free, as of Saturday, and I struggle with choosing to act on anything except the essentials of living. I feel my strength growing slowly over time. Making the decision to act is turning out to be what recovery is all about—instead of the pill making the decision for us.

ldmcniel, You inspire me by staying free from Adderall during this crisis. I wish I had healing words for you about losing your job after 14 years. I don't have any magic words. I know if it happened to me, I would be crushed. You just have to survive this somehow. You have already proven your resilience on the battlefield. Here is a link to a "Dear Sugar' column that may lift your spirits. It's called "The Future has an Ancient Heart" I send it to you with the best of intentions, knowing that they are merely words. It doesn't even have anything to do with losing a job. I guess I'm also trying to say I give a fuck about you because you are a member of this community and would like to see you recover from Adderall in every way. I am one of the little ducklings riding in your wake. http://therumpus.net/2011/05/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-72-the-future-has-an-ancient-heart/

Thank you for sharing some your incredible stories that made you think you needed a lobotomy, Occaisional01. I can relate to both stories. I like to write and keeping the word count down was impossible on Adderall. I wanted to write well too, intensely so. Maybe I will find a place in recovery that will rekindle my writing spirit. Would you mind if I found humor in the second story about the smoothies and your blender breaking? The images I am drawing in my head are out right out of an “I Love Lucy†episode. It is so funny! Thank you for sharing these stories with us. Both were beautiful and concisely written, Occaisional01. Humor aside, our crazy OCD creative behaviors on Adderall were soul-depleting .The scariest part of this was that we had absolutely no awareness of how the drug was driving us or who we were becoming. I love sharing these stories in our community for their content and color. Before man invented writing, all people had for community knowledge, passing from one generation to the next, were stories. These stories reveal the masked demon we were ingesting daily. They are a good way to re-mind us, and people of the future, why we struggle to remain Adderall free.

Theresa, Yes, you can change. We are all changing every day all the time. Think out the air we breathe. At night some of it condenses into moisture and when we wake up in the morning, the grass is covered with dew. The sun comes up and the dew evaporates into into air again. In winter, the same dew becomes frost. Seasons change. Change is all around us and all in us. Change is a natural state for us. Keep on doing what you are doing and see what happens. When the conditions are right for you, you will change.

L-tyosine works! I just picked up the 500 mg tablets at GNC along with a B-complex and took them together on an empty stomach. My mood is elevated! It worked within 15 minutes. I was feeling so bad today due to lack of quality sleep, I finally broke down and decided to take someone's advice who has already traveled the path. Go figure. Thank you for posting your experience Quit-once.

That certainly is a stimulating video, Z. I can hardly speak let alone walk after watching it.

Honesty is the best policy. You know, a backhoe is the only piece of machinery in the world that can right itself if has flipped over. Perfect for us crazy OCD tweaked out types (past tense). I never want to go back there.

I love BIG SKY country, especially at twilight and just before twilight. Thank you for the pictures Z. Thank you for the reminder to breathe and be in the monent Tessa. It helps to take deep breaths and to breathe normally. That's something we couldn't do on Adderall, simply breathing normally. I can hook into this even on the couch. ...and the way you turn your words Tessa. You are a poet. RB, I think you're right. We have no choice but to learn patience and have the benefit of true support here, like nowhere else, to learn it.

Goob point RB. The analogy is quite accurate. I have certainly dug a hole in my life for no reason.

Zerokewl, I'm with you on wanting faster recovery and you are at 90 days and I am only at 46 days. From what I am gathering, we are looking at quartly improvements. In other words we can expect to notice less exhaustion, boredom, hibernation, etc after the passage of 3 months time. I don't know about the PAWS thing. I think the whole ball of wax is the price we have to pay for recovery. I've had 2 semi-good days in 46, so what does the future hold? Lots of bad days. I think we unknowingly made a deal with the devil (US big Pharma) when we took advantage of the euphoria, confidence and endurance Adderall gave us. Now we want to stop? Our neurons say they will kill us because that's what the pill was programming back stage. This is just my science fiction idea on it. The bottom line is that we are going to suffer and will recover in tiny untraceable baby steps over time. I'm going to at least start the supplements Mike suggests, as soon as I can muster the will to get to the store to buy them. I'm just saying I'm going through this with you. We have to maintain faith that better days lie ahead, even if they are farther ahead than we hoped for. The devil doesn't take credit cards.

Like Mike says: lower the expectations you have placed on yourself. You can't be superwoman off Adderall. Make good friends with yourself and your couch.

Ashley, Thank you for posting something so encouraging! I am grasping at straws every day. I’m tittering on the edge because I am so sick of feeling like a used up, tired, old grease rag. And… with that statement aside, I am being nice to myself, putting up with this new me. I only push myself when I need to eat, stay clean and work. Work has actually been very helpful for me. I would really go nuts laying around all day, every day. It’s changing shifts and overtime that are steps backwards in my recovery. Maybe I can change that, I don’t know. What I do know is that I am getting the support I need from people like you. Your work here is nothing short of saving lives. I propose a toast to you Ashley on your 16th month anniversary, with all of your friends here. You have worked hard, paid the horrendous price, stayed the course and been an inspiration in our community. Here’s to you Ashley, and to achieving all of your dreams. May they bring you peace, joy and wellbeing.

It's relevant to the topic. I saw this episode. The poor guy didn't even care what was in the hole, just that "it's down there" I was never addicted to Meth, and I'm sure glad about that. I have never in my life dug a hole in the ground for no reason.

Arginine is the active ingredient. It appears to be used by atheletes to stimulate human growth hormone. I don't see how it could be used as as substitute for Adderall, based on my very limited research.

Thank you gor checking in Cat. I was wondering and concerned about your well being. I'm impressed with your ability in very early recovery to practice yoga. You are doing much better than me. Keep up the good work and stick with the yoga. You are amazing!

Great idea, RB! I am interested. I can't run any longer. My running career lasted 25 years and it was good. I never found anything cardio to replace it, except walking/hiking or working in the yard, which is physical, but not really cardio. I'll commit to 12 miles a week with you. My work schedule is crazy and I am required to work lots of overtime, but I have weekends off. It's something to get me out of the house. Thank you for this opportunity. I promise to give it my best shot.

Yes, sometimes I felt lonely, but those feeling were covered up and numbed over by the drug. I never cried out there watching a beautiful sunset alone, but it makes me tear up now when I realize how I was running away from my problems. I remember Mike talking about "Epic proportions" in our approach to things while on the drug, but it doesn't have to be epic. It sounds as if knitting all night kept you from facing some painful feelings too, sweetpea. I'm crying at the thought of it now.

Tessa, I love these sentances from your profile: I know deep down I'm meant for something more I'm willing to fall into the rabbit hole and crawl my way out, but it's been 5 years. I'd like to make this recovery the beg of my life. I feel the same way. I want it to be the beg of my life. I guess that means we have to get God involved. Who else are we going to beg to? Anyway, My Sunday was extreamly boring. I spent it in my new usual spot, on the couch watching TV. Too bad, it was a nice day to be outside. I'm in the rabbit hole with you.

It is apparent that most, if not all, people who are drawn to Adderall are creative by nature. The intent of this thread is to shine a light on behaviors that produced something of beauty and at the same time caused us unhappiness, frustration, lost friendships, insanity or death. While on the drug, our creative endeavors seemed productive and useful. It is only after we have some clean time, that the insanity of our behavior became recognizable. It is disheartening to savor the beauty we created on Adderall. Beautiful though it may be, it is not worth the cost. One of the crazy OCD creative behaviors I indulged in while on the drug was excavating quarry rock from an old abandoned sand wash, as the old timers called it. It was located at an industrial site that used a machine that gathered up boulders, rocks of all sizes, pebbles and ultimately sand from a freshwater lake. The lake was fed by an underground stream, origins unknown. The rock was tumbled and mesmerizingly beautiful. All of this circumstance came about because my job got outsourced. The company I worked for kept me on the payroll but moved me to another state to work in. So, every day I traveled from one state to another to make my living. I hated my new job and the awful commute. I was severely depressed and I was looking for a way out. I discovered Adderall through a psychiatrist who was treating me for depression. I began to kick ass on that stupid repetitive job and still had more juice to go after work. Thus began the romantic era with Adderall as a newly born Superman. Every day after work at 3:00 PM, I drove over to the quarry and changed into my work clothes. I wouldn’t get home until after dark. It was rare that I missed a day and would often go back on the weekends. A machine gathered everything and put all of the rock on a long conveyer belt. The belt ran from the water to the shoreline, where it deposited the rock in perfectly sorted piles, large to small. In summer, the piles of rock were completely disguised and impossible to see. This is because vegetation covered everything. The sand wash business closed up over 30 years ago and that was more than enough time for Mother Nature to reclaim everything. I harvested the rock during winter, when the weeds and the bugs died back. The rock pile was huge and triangular. It was as long as a football field and about 100 feet tall on the big rock end facing the lake, trailing all the way down to lake level at the sandy end in the rear facing the industrial site. The pile slanted long and low on each side like a mountain. I drove my car up the mountain on a road that led to the summit. The view over the lake looked west reflecting spectacular sunsets. It was my own secret place. It was a place where Adderall and I could really shine. In complete isolation, I worked like a machine until dark every day of every winter for 6 years. I would unload the car at night using a garden cart to wheel the rock into the woods behind my home. I was using the rock to build a rock wall. The wall is 150 feet long with 2 entrances into the woods. Lying before the woods are 4 garden beds where I plant perennial and annual plants, each bed laced with a bed of small tumbled rock. There is another bed in the woods, adding pattern to the design. I harvested (dug out) and hauled roughly 250 tons of rock. Think about that. All the neighbors make a point to stop by and tell me how beautiful my backyard is. I tell you that it is hard for me to take too much pride in it, although I have to admit that it is indeed beautiful. In hindsight, you could compare the work to the toughest jobs at hard labor prison camps. The dangers were many; snakes everywhere, carrying heavy rocks over steep, rough terrain, working in low light levels and alone under these dangerous conditions. If I were to have taken a fall and got hurt, I would have died of the elements. They wouldn’t find my body for weeks or months. I told no one what I was doing, knowing all along it was insanity, but I was creating something beautiful. Adderall used my mind and body. I think it was trying to kill me.

Congratulations Jessy! One week quit is a real biggie. Welcome to the forum. It's a safe house for you to express whatever is going on for you. I'm glad you feel good about how it’s going so far. This will add power to the challenge of quitting and rebuilding a life without Adderall. Keep up the good work and keep posting. I would love to hear your story when you feel up to sharing it.

Quit-once, Can you tell me please how to properly use the quote feature? I can't seem to carry the title bar with the persons name tag and time of qoute followes by SAID: You paint a pretty picture. I can see it. It is beautiful. Once my brain and my body recover some more, I will return to a meditation and yoga practice I had, while I was on the drug, believe it or not. Just before quitting, I bought a juicer after seeing the documentary, Fat, Sick and nearly Dead by Joe Cross. I used organic vegetables only. It was a lot of work and haven't had the stamina to keep the practice afloat and surviving withdrawal. When I gave up smoking cigars about 2 years ago, I replaced it with hydration. I have a nice water filter at home. It filters down to 20 microns. It take out the chlorine and the water tasts great! It's a 3M product called Filtrate, in case you are interested. The exercise leg of the tripod will certainly be the last leg to set. Again, Stamina and time are major conflicts. I work about 60 hours a week, on average, and I have to muster all the energy I can to keep up with that. I walk when I can, but nothing formal or routine. Well, Thank you for the update on your well being. It's very encouraging at day 40. P.S. I happen to agree with zerokewl about putting an asterix next to Recovered*. It's a dangerous world out there for people like us. We have to remain vigilant....especially when cleaning out our closets!

resetBrain, I glad you are not haunted. Thank you for clearing that up. I love your Mod Pod concept. I would bet that you could make an impressive art exhibit out of your boxes. I love hearing these stories. Maybe we should start a new thread. What would we name it? Ahh, clips from the 1980’s IBM manuals. I work in IT too, so we are on similar turf. The first computer I worked with was a Burroughs 8800. It was all wires (no silicone) and took up an enormous amount of space. There was no world wide web in those days and the manuals were all we had. I can see how easily you got started. Your paranoid sounding phrases certainly didn’t prove out as paranoid at all, did they? I give you the National Security Administration. I’ll share another wild one with you. I collected cigar boxes. Nice wooden ones all neatly labeled with the different types of rocks, lichen covered bark, dried flowers, seedpods, small burls, feathers, sea shells, Cape May diamonds ( I planned on making my own Tiffany quartz lampshade. The last one sold at Christy’s auction for $780,000) and almost anything you can think of from the natural world. Now, some of this stuff is legitimate as props for a photographer setting a stage for, let's say, a turtle picture. Most great painters kept a Prop room filled with stuff that would enhance a painting. My collection was way overboard, with repetition and infinite nuances. I probably have over 200 cigar boxes labeled and filled, but I have not used a single one. My passion for photography seems to have evaporated, like water from a kitchen sink, without so much as a hint that it was slipping away. CWRAZY, I tell ya. The fog is clearing. It is day 40 today for me.