Jon

Z, Nice job of posting the graphical representation similar to what Cassie was talking about. Thank you for doing the research. Thank you Cassie for your contribution. I hope I learn how to overcome defeatism by reframing failure as a natural part of the change process. The critical point being that I must look at falling down as learning rather than failing. I thought it might stick if I typed it out.

Sorry to hear about another night's disrupted sleep. Also sorry about your wife having health issues. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

It's a start. Don't be shy.

Hey 1Bad, That was a very open and honest post you made. I think it's great that you are closing in on 8 months, I'm concerned about your thoughts about picking up again. You are probably losing sleep because your mind is working double-time worrying about the "tough events coming down the pike." The only way I know of to get this kind of burden out of my mind it to talk about it. Put it out there. You have a whole support network who can help you with these things. Lots of perspectives, diversity and wisdom. It is certainly better than going back on the pill for a little temporary high test brain power. Let us help you get your 9 hours sleep again. btw: I'm still taking in 10-12 hours of sleep and when I'm not sleeping, I'm sleepy.

Hopeful2

You are welcome Kev. You have generated many gifted, experienced and loving voices on this thread. La rouge carpet is rolled out for you. Your story captures our hearts. We relate. Unless it happens spontaneously, like it did for me, Plan your quit. Maybe you would like to taper a bit before quitting or maybe there is a stretch of time ahead where you can dedicate to just sleeping and resting. There are lots of things you can do to prepare for a quit. And you will only want to have to do this one time, so it pays to be prepared. I planned my quit for about a week. I was hungry for recovery to begin because I was feeling so terrible at the end of my use..the last 2-3 years. It's surprising how much pain we are willing to put up with because we are afraid that we won't be able to function at all if we quit. It's not true. We can function. We just can't function like robots anymore. Although I find my life difficult after quitting Adderall (3 months), I can say with some pride, that I haven't missed a day of work. I can sometimes be hard on myself, but now that I have written it out, I think that is amazing! It just goes to show you that you can do this!

Jonah, I'm glad you are staying on course. Best wishes to you.

Freedoms Wings and Lunax, You two are living proof that the Buddy system works like a charm. Keep up the good work. I'm pulling for you both to meet your goals.... and then some.

Kev, Welcome to the forums. It takes great courage to write our stories and I think you have done an excellent job at writing yours. I believe that all of your questions were experienced by some people on the forum. I think it's best to share our own experiences and you can do the math on the percentages. Adderall numbed my mind so I didn't have to experience painful emotions. I didn't even realize this was happening until much later on in my addiction. I used daily for 12 years. I became less sociable on Adderall. I was all wound up in my own little Adderall world. I lost some friends due to not being present for the person I was with. I was acting selfish, but was unaware of it. I have a history of anxiety and depression. I am not bipolar. I believe that Adderall causes OCD behaviors to have occurred in me where previously I never experienced OCD behaviors. I would climb the stairs to fetch something and by the time I reached the top of the stairs, I forgot what I was going up there to get. Adderall affected my short term memory. I do not think it has affected my long term memory. Addderall in the mix with other medication, I believe, complicates the underlying problems. When I came off Adderall, I eventually moved away from sleeping pills and pills I used for relaxing. I do not believe that damage done is permanent but I do believe that it takes a long time to heal. Good luck and stay close to the forums. Read everything you can on this site. Knowledge is power.

What a pleasant surprise to discover all of your posts today. Thank you to each of you. I thought I was writing in my diary by posting it at the end of a months old thread. I didn’t intend to have a public pity party, but I am glad I wrote with vulnerability. It is hard to keep tears from welling up because I did not realize how many supportive friends I have here. Sometimes the body/mind load gets the better part of me. The burden gets to be too much....and then you guys show up and change everything for the better. It is an honor to be a part of our support fellowship. I will carry the message that recovery is possible. This has worked for me from the beginning—to think of others and not so much about my own problems. Quit-once, you know me too well, my friend. Your arrow has struck my metaphysical heart. You knew exactly where to shoot it; Good aim. A prayer for all: Guard them, guide them, help them. A prayer for me: Guard me, guide me, help me.

You are here Jon, so write about what you are feeling today. Go ahead, rub your eyes, put your glasses back on and just put a few words on a page. On day 40 I wrote that the fog is clearing. It may have seemed true when I wrote it, but I haven't experienced a fogless day in what seems like ages! I'm tired all the time. I slept 12 hours again last night! Today, I have lost all hope of recovery. That is the crux of it. I took the pills for 12 years every single day. I am 58 years old. Just how much recovering do you think you have in you at that age and with your history? I'm screwed. I don't want to take that fucking pill again nor do I want to live like this, like a shriveled up old man. I just want to go back to bed, sleep like Rip Van Winkle and wake up after "recovery" is over.

I watched a show called The Writers Room on the Sundance Channel and one night it had all the writers there from Breaking Bad. They all agreed that the reason for the success of the show was due to the changes the main character, Walter White, went through. Think about it. No other show on TV has ever attempted to change their characters. Seinfeld was always Seinfeld, Archie Bunker was always Archie Bunker and on and on. In Breaking Bad Walter White actually changes from the protagonist to the antagonist as the audience watches him make each conflicted decision along the way. And we get to check out our own ideas on morality in the process. Has the show changed the way we think about what is morally right and wrong?

Good luck Georgia girl. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Here is something related to a discussion on the historical usage of speed. I remember taking "Black Beauties" in the '70's to cram for finals in college. The crash was so harsh after only one pill, I stayed away from them because I so greatly feared the crash. If someone asked me if I thought I could take one of these pills everyday, I would have said I'd rather just put a gun to my head. I wonder how Adderall captured me when Black Beauties (now illegal) scared me off? Maybe it's the way the doctors start you off at .5mg dosages and walk you up to 20mg tablets 2 and 3 times a day.

Quit-once, Your story is a unique story about a son caring for his mother using a stimulant drug. Living 100 miles away, I can see why you needed a little help, and also why you look back on it without guilt or shame. It is nice to read your story about a son who had a great adult relationship with his mother. I was lucky enough to have the same special relationship with my mother until her death in 1987. Thank you for sharing your story.

This is only a suggestion. You know yourself and your schedule better than anyone else. How about that upcomming 5 day break from work as your target date for quitting? That is a pretty nice sized window for being in bed or on the couch watching TV. It would give you a good amount of lead time to gather all the food and other supplies you will need during the 5 days and after going back to work. Stock up on as much food as you can, just not perishable food. Yes, Adderall has dulled our senses to the point of being numb to our emotions. This was a great benefit for me when I started taking the drug because the last place I wanted to be was at a job I hated. I was able to be there and do the job well, but didn't feel the painful emotions associated with the situation. Adderall was like novacaine for my emotions. It took me years to figure this out because I always felt more alive and more feeling on Adderall in the begining. It's been said many times before that all that Adderall gives you in the beginning, it takes back secretly over time. No exceptions on the taking back stuff either. The most obvious is taking back the energy you borrowed from Adderall...with interest. A final point, and Ashley said it so well, is you have to destroy your stash of pills. You can put them in coffee grinds in a bag and throw them in the trash. It's not vitally important for everyone to do this, but in your case, it is clearly a must do. Also, get a new doctor and tell them your experience with taking stimulants. Best wishes llWilson. You can do this if you want it bad enough. Your desire to want it will grow stronger with time, as you notice little pieces of youself returning. I'm pulling for you real hard. I work 12 hour shifts too, averaging 55 total hours a week. For totally selfish reasons, I would like a 12 hour shift buddy.

Vermillion. September sunsets are beautiful. If it were not for a 20 minute walk at sunset, the whole day would have been a wash.

I hope you are alright after your fall. Next time think safety first, okay. Handrails work great if you use them and wearing proper footware is important when using stairs. I live in a townhouse and it has 32 stairs. I had to learn the hard way too.

CONGRATULATIONS rB on ONE YEAR!!!!! I'm so glad you made this achievement. I am happy for you and hope that you have found a place with more well being and peace after investing so much time and energy. I know that anniversary dates aren't magical events that make you suddenly all better, but they do serve as markers for success. I haven't forgotten the help you gave me on my journey so far. Know that you are loved for helping others while struggling with your own issues. I hope you do something nice for yourself to mark this occaision.

Quit-once, This is really late but I wanted you to know that your support helps me immensly. You achieved your 2 year anniversary about 20 days before I quit. Thank you with all my heart for being available to the newcomers.

Thank you for the link Ashley. It rings true to the heart.

Island - I am a rock. I am an island. (Paul Simon)

I relate to your story on many levels. I had onset OCD behaviors while taking Adderall too. Most of us did, if not all of us. It is a common occurrence. The OCD behaviors go away rather quickly after stopping. These behaviors don’t kick up much of a fuss while leaving you either. It’s the only hurdle that goes away without a fight, that I can think of right now. Other hurdles like tiredness, feeling like doing things and being social will take longer, but doable if you can keep faith in the process. I took Adderall for 12 years and I can tell you that what you are experiencing now, on Adderall at 9 years, will only get more challenging as time goes on. I stayed on it for those extra 3 or 5 or 6 years for the exact reason as you: fear that I won’t be able to function. I have a demanding job as well with lots of mandatory overtime. Also, I NEVER took a vacation day from the pills in all those years of using Adderall because of the same fear. Even though the final years of taking the pills were miserable, I was still afraid to quit by myself. Alone it was too big. I found the courage to quit after I discovered this website. I found other people who were going through the same thing I was and I found strength with that knowledge. Stay close to this site. Be a student of the articles and forum threads. Make yourself a plan for quitting. You will only want to have to do this once. Keep us posted.

Your optimism shines brightly. You are an inspiration for me. Enjoy your rest. Thank you for sharing.

I think you covered it all, Q-o. Some of us were conditioned to take pills at a very early age. My mother had rheumatoid arthritis and since there were no effective treatments for it back then she took a holistic view. She took vitamins, vinegar, juiced...the whole 9 yards. So as kids we went on the vitamin pill regimen with her. We skipped over the Flintstone vitamins and went straight to the adult version. We were all taking about 1 dozen supplements a day. I suppose this conditioning lowered our threshold for consuming pills in general, but I believe that the doctors can take more of the responsibility for the whole pill mindset. Now I can see your interest in doing another pill cleanse in September 2013.