Motivation_Follows_Action

Sorry I missed your earlier posting ld, I know just how much you were struggling in the early days and I admire your honesty with the process... no it is not easy and I totally hear you with the self flagellation that happens when you awaken from your addiction and look at the challenges of life you face today. No easy task to get over all that. I think if I remember you and I are similar in age and life stage, and it can be tough when you're supposed to be a grown up and have all your shit sorted, but addiction and other gremlins crept in and life did its messy thing. But please stay the course without the adderall - there must be something in you that knows that even though the challenges of being clean are tough; going back on adderall will make things ultimately tougher. You keep on going, lady. You're a fighter.

Haha, 1Bad.... nope I haven't killed the neighbor's dog... yet... although it sounds like it's not quite as bad as your neighbor's dog?! Thanks for checking in, it's really nice -- this community is so awesome and I'm glad you're part of it. I have to return to work, unfortunately finances don't stretch that far for me and my husband (I've mentioned it before but I developed an unbelievably massive spending problem while I was on adderall and although I'm not in debt, I am not where I should be in terms of savings, retirement etc). I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my career, really. It is 4 weeks ago tomorrow that I lost my job and I've spent most of the time, well, just learning how to be. If that makes sense. I am very lucky that my husband has a good job and we don't have kids so I can last a little bit longer without too much impact, and I am keen not to jump too soon, like I did last time. I really need to learn how to do life. Anyone got any suggestions on that one? How do you "do" life when you've been a workaholic for 15 years? And how are you doing, 1Bad88? Hanging in there it seems. Keep posting!!

determined!

Thanks to Mike this should be fixed now. Thanks, Mike!

Thanks for the reminder -- just sent a note to mike about this and the removal of the feature where you could see who liked whose posts.

I think it's something in the air, lady. I was just re-reading your awesome post to HAM from the other day, and thinking the same thing about you. Warm fuzzies abound.

Zk, you summed up in about 75 words what it took me about 400 to say. And here we three are, with the perils of time on our hands (oh, the irony... what we would have given for time off to do nothing a few short months ago, huh?!), and nothing but apparent anxiety to guide us through. ZK, I have just started meditating too. As in, last week. I think it is going to be very helpful. Bout time something was! BTW: The Commonwealth rules this post (2 canadians and an Australian!) and I'm eating fries and a burger in the pic. It was one of the first pictures taken of me when I came off adderall... I was so excited to be eating food again, and enjoying the taste!

I'm sure there's been a lot of discussion on this. I know there has. A lot of people come on here (newbies and oldies alike) and talk about when recovery is "over". Questions like, "when do I get the old me back"? and "will I ever feel normal again"?. Honestly, and tell me what you guys think, but life after adderall is never, ever the same. I will never get the old "me" back, because the old me got me to a dark place I've always feared. The old me wasn't so great after all... she was unconfident; that is why she turned to drugs. The person I am today is... wiser, older, sometimes sadder, definitely more complex, less gullible, more cynical, but with a capacity for empathy that I don't think I've ever experienced before. I might be more introverted forever, but that's not only because of the adderall and social anxiety and OCD it bestowed upon me, but because I take longer to reflect on the complexities of people now, because of the shit I've been through. The world is rough on those who are gripped by the vice of addiction. And we only have ourselves to blame, really. So, as I start to go through the process of unraveling the last 4 or 5 years of my life, I'm finding it hard to untangle and decouple the actions I took as a result of the drug, or because of who I became. I find myself retracing my steps and so easily blaming so many of my bad decisions (like taking a job too soon, taking the wrong job/s, not listening to anyone else's advice) and bad habits (like workaholism and perfectionism) on adderall. In actual fact, as I look back on the time I first started to take adderall, I was facing two pretty overwhelming challenges: I found out some stuff about my family that honestly, now I reflect on it, threw me in to a state of mild trauma; plus being at some very significant life-crossroads (getting married, having children, buying a house), and I didn't know how to handle those decisions or that traumatic stuff... so I turned to a) work; and drugs... as a major escape hatch. Then everything started to unravel. And you all know how that goes... you're high on adderall, you do something you regret, then you take more adderall to numb that experience, and do more stuff you regret, and you become disengaged with the whole world around you... throwing yourself at arbitrary activities and relationships and distractions with no explanation and making each day your own journey of euphoria, irritability, introspection, self confidence, self loathing, and round and round it goes. I am grieving the loss of 5 years of my life. I guess that's part of the process of recovery. Picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and starting to run again at the same pace you always have is a difficult thing to do the harder you run and the harder you fall. My metaphorical body is bruised and sore; and I know I need to rest... but it is just so damned hard not to get melancholy when I think about all I have lost. I know I will never take adderall again, that's not the issue (I'm hardly ever tempted, just when I'm extremely stressed or worried which is as weird a trigger as any!?). The issue is that I think the actions I took while on it, and recovering from it, have led me to a place I just don't know where to go to from here. It's like someone who's had an accident and they're learning to walk again. I don't know where to start and it seems so, so hard. And it's not like I'm 21. I have a lot of catching up to do. I'm just so... sad... today. Most of the time I am ok, and I know I am going to be ok in the long run, but wow... just so much loss in my life these last few years. Adderall is the perfect enabler to the magnificent catastrophe we can make of our own lives.

To answer your second question - yes. I'd say that's enough to deplete your dopamine stores. It's your brain. You shouldn't fuck around with it. I learned the very, very hard way.

Congratulations on the new job! That's one thing you were wanting to fix, so you fixed it. Have you thought about getting an executive coach? Someone who can work with you on targeting exactly what it is you want out of life, that makes you feel like you have a sense of purpose, meaning, etc? Your ongoing anhedonia is so sad, and has taken you hook, line, and sinker.... personally I don't think it has too much to do with the adderall by now. I just think you maybe want life to be perfect and, uh, it's not. I think you're doing brilliantly. You're a model of health, success, and commitment to your goals. I was thinking of you just today and wondering how you were doing. Just stay the course and keep asking for help. You actually inspire me...

Rick, what a great amount of support you've had from people here. College (or "Uni" as we call it) was a long time ago for me, and sometimes I think the pressures placed on students today would drive anyone to want to take a magic pill to make it all better. And that's what adderall was for some of us, for a little bit of time. But like most have said, and have experienced, there is a turning point... where all the good stuff stops working, and all the bad stuff (like social anxiety) creeps in and takes over. And once that's taken over, coming back from the loss of your identity and personality and humor and intelligence is just such a long, hard process. We all struggle with it. What others have said is true. Congrats on dropping a course - it's the right time to do it. I don't think you should go back home to Mom. College is about learning how to do LIFE, which includes sobriety and self control. You can do this, on your own! Albeit more slowly than you'd like, but you're setting youself up for a pretty fucked up life if you can't get through college without adderall... You are not dying. Inside or outside. You are just learning how to live again.. better now than in a year, 2 years, when you're 30, etc etc. Be happy with the amount of choices you have to make about your life, and make them with confidence and go all-in! The only thing you can do now is fuck up. Adderall will be a great enabler if that's what you want to do. But I don't think that's what you want... just go slowly, for now, until you're ready to take on more!

Hey guess what? I started running again! I ran 3.1 miles yesterday... took me a really long time, and had to walk a reasonable distance, but I did it! First 3 mile run I've done in over a year.

This is such an inspirational post LILTEX. Such positivity here. I think we all can learn from this, every day.

I think I had one of those days today too. Just really anxious... exhausted...

Totally takes a lot of bravery to post here. Your posts from the past have inspired me - if I remember right, you have been nothing but honest, vulnerable, true. And that you are back continuing that tradition. You're going to be ok -- trust yourself - as IR says, the pain comes from the knife coming out (or something). Be brave - we've got your back.

I'd never experienced OCD before adderall, so I didn't even realize I was developing these traits until, we'll, now?! It's nice to be able to put a label on it... One that is absolutely accurate. I will have to disagree with Jon though, some of the thinking patterns, the personality traits, are almost an indistinguishable dark shadow to the "normal" me. For example, my password recreations. I am paranoid enough as it is about security. And having to recreate all my passwords (of the accounts I remember!) has been time consuming. If I had been on adderall this process would have taken 3 times longer simply because I wouldn't have trusted the first, second or 3rd password I'd created; I probably would have lost days researching tors and encryption and probably wouldn't have gotten anywhere, due to the OCD. Does that make sense? But back to my point - I still have my moments. I am still somewhat socially paranoid, I still write lists of things to do and do anything but things on those lists, I still fall in love with my own ideas and sometimes refuse to listen to anyone else. Part of that is me, and part of it has been developed and embedded by the adderall. Those traits are ugly, and l believe lost me my job. They take a long time to unwind. Patience is not one of the things bestowed upon us by adderall!

That's fascinating. I would have put Twin Peaks in there, but I'm romanticizing. It's an interesting commentary on the state of addiction - in all of is. Walter white on power, hank on being a hero, Saul on manipulating people. The only character who didn't seem to have this was Skyler. I stood up from my seat and gave a standing ovation to her in the last episode.

Love that movie! Ok it's on the guilt pile...

Same thing then... ;-)

What distracted you? I think that's important. If it is something like a phone call etc then ok, it happens to us all. But if you looked up and saw a butterfly and had to chase it to get a better look (cheeky, sorry) then you just need to learn to prioritize better in your mind. And then forgive yourself if you don't get it right 100 percent of the time. Happens to all of us. My computer and iCloud accounts got hacked 2 days ago. Pain in the ass! Had to go in and cancel all credit cards, change all passwords (there are over 40!?) etc. not fun. Oh, and all on an iPhone because of course with the launch of iOS 7, the Genius Bar is booked solid until Saturday afternoon, so I can't risk turning on my computer. Anyhow, I've been steadily working at all this stuff for days. And today I hit a wall. It is beautiful outside and I needed a break! So I'm writing this from a little outdoor cafe in the next village over (I'm on Long Island, staying at a friends house), breathing fresh air. Gives me focus to go back and finish! Anyway my point is, be realistic. You are not going to work as tirelessly as you did on adderall. But I bet you will work smarter! Adderall reduces efficiency so much...

Cassie - is that the guy who did that amazing NPR this American life episode on CEOs and their tendency to sociopathy?

Cassie - is that the guy who did that amazing NPR this American life episode on CEOs and their tendency to sociopathy?

Ps this is awesome as an idea and shows a ton of creativity. Inspiring!

Ok. I'm ok!

I've never heard of this - what is it??