Motivation_Follows_Action

... so make this your hobby until you have the energy to find one! Seriously, don't do more than you need to. No one expects you to. You will get better, you have done amazingly well so far... (how many days is it?!) You are too hard on yourself. Day by day. And your kids may not be able to tell you, but they love having their mommy back. Take it from a child of an addict, they know it.

Hey guys, sorry it's been a while... got busy with the holidays etc. But I'm still going strong, and since the little pity party I had for myself a few days ago I've been back in the gym every day, just to get in the habit of going. I discovered this and wanted to share it. Whether its about the discipline of getting out of fucking bed in the morning, or getting through a day without adderall, or going for a run, it's a pretty awesome vid. The world is full of some amazing people. Like the people on this forum, and anyone who kicks this horrible fucking addiciton. GO FORMER ADDERALLICS!

LandeA26, Hope I'm not too late but I think you are describing what I'd call "phase 2" of quitting. Phase 1 is the physical stuff. Common wisdom on this site says you will sleep for 2 weeks. Yep, you did that. Then you feel great. For a few days. Phase 2 is one of the hardest I think because a) you don't expect it to happen; you're not prepared for it and c) it lasts longer than Phase 1. It's when withdrawal (psychological) and depression really kick in. Now remember your brain has been flooded with dopamine, and it has gotten used to having so much of it swimming around in there that it has built up a tolerance to it. It's gotten used to having a lot of it to just funciton properly. Now you've come off it, there's virtually none up there, and your brain is like what the fuck, where's all that fun juice? BAM: serious depression. The thing about depression that hits HARD and suddenly like this is you actually don't realize you're more depressed than you actually are. This, for me, was the most difficult time. I had read that you start to feel better, you have more energy, and your body gives you a false sense of security after you give it some sleep. So you're not expecting to feel shitty, and down and so on for days on end. Phase 2 lasted for me about a month or so. Yes, it SUCKED. But Phase 3 is kind of worth it, when you start to "feel like your old self" on more days than not, and you start to actually not hate yourself. I'm just telling you all this so you know it's not about holidays, or temptation based on boredom or stress or tiredness or whatever, it is part of the recovery process and is COMPLETELY normal. Just keep fighting the bastards in your head and let them know youv'e got this, you're on it, you're dealing, and you don't need a fucking drug to cope. You are bigger than that. Hang in there!

Well Kyle, good to see your depression is assuaging itself and your self confidence is coming back then... Should you change your username to Kyle-God? ha ha...

Well, whatever got you here got you here. It's never nice to look back and see what a fuck up you've made of yourself and berate yourself for it. Just remember today is a new day with no mistakes in it, and today is all about getting through today, just you, with yourself. You sound like you are your own worst enemy. Give your gremlins a good look in the face and tell them to fuck off. Only you can do that... and only you can get past this. YOU CAN DO IT! We are hoping and thinking of you...

synergystic, the gang here is awesome... I'm a little late to the party but absolutely not without as much enthusiasm and support you need. Congrats on flushing. Now comes the hard part :-). Sleep through New Year's, sounds like a great plan. You are beginning a new year and a new life. Just remember that in your darkest hours... I wish I'd had someone around to tell me than when I was about 2 weeks in. You'll be fine, your brain will recover... I was scared as hell when my brain just wouldn't work properly but everyone here, patient as they were, told me I'd be ok, and I am. Mostly. Hang in there!

I read a great quote the other day: "whether a man [sic] thinks he can or cannot, he is right". Hang in there. Moment by moment. Hour by hour. Day by day. Believe you can. You will.

Hi, sorry I've been a bit behind on this story... but having caught up a little bit, whoami, here's a few thoughts: 1. Go to therapy. Go to AA. Go to where you'll have a chance to "get out of your own head" and think of yourself IN CONTEXT. You are not doomed, you haven't ruined your whole life, it's not too late. You will get beyond this. Day by day. I've found surrounding myself with others who are supportive has been really beneficial. 2. Congrats on the new job! Don't expect too much of yourself. Just be glad you HAVE a job. Enjoy being productive. 3. Stop thinking that your value is related to the number on the scale. From one former eating-disordered person to another, just learning to accept that it is what it is, and it won't always be this way, is a great big relief. But you do have to quit or you really will fuck up this next job, and then you'll be 3 (or is it 4) jobs down and what will you think of yourself then?

Training for a marathon after quitting 7 days ago? Holy crap, that's hard. Tell us how you're doing?

Good on you for forcing yourself to get out of the house. That must have been tough. And good on you for posting here. Keep doing it, let us know how you're doing. Like others said, L Tyrosene has been a godsend for me, but also B6 and 5 hour energy. I keep it next to my bed. Ride the waves over the next few weeks. We're here if you need us!

I find I'm so much less judgmental when I'm out in the real world. This is a complete 180 for me since quitting adderall. I remember I used to get all pilled up when I had to go anywhere I would feel self conscious, to give myself a false sense of confidence... it made me feel so much more superior to everyone. What a bitch I must have come across as. And I looked back at my facebook posts at the height of my addiction... ugh. So full of myself, so cynical and nasty about the world, so negative (where I thought I was being witty and snarky and clever). Shows you how out of whack your judgment becomes.

... so true. That's addiction for you. I read today that amphetamines are widely considered to be the hardest drug to withdraw from, both physically and psychologically. I had no idea - I always thought heroin was, or other barbiturates . My brother in law was a heroin addict and I vowed never to do heroin because I saw just how much he struggled. Now I know I'm going through the same if not worse? Wow, how could I have let myself do that....

Just imagining my Facebook update during recovery: "feeling great! managed to wash myself AND order a pizza today!"

Quit once and sky, as usual you're bloody right. After gorging myself yesterday and today, I'm now clearly in sublimating territory. This happened last time I tried to quit, too, and led me right back in to the path of relapse after I gained so much weight. I just have a voracious appetite and food becomes my new high. Anyone else dealt? Thoughts/ideas/suggestions?

Falcon, you're hilarious. Really. I just burst out laughing and spilled my diet coke all over my keyboard.

Congratulations and welcome... yes I agree with you on this site being a lifesaver. How long have you been clean?

Your spirit is great, but one thing you said concerns me: "Millions of people get by without a crutch". Try not, if you can, to compare yourselves with others... especially if it's in a kind of hard-knock way, like this. You're going to have days that will seem really overwhelming and you'll probably feel like giving up. For me, the hardest times seem to be when I compare my own plight to others, and feel weak and guilty and like a complete failure in comparison... I read all my friends' facebook pages and they all seem so TOGETHER and CAPABLE and it made me feel even worse. It was only when I discovered this site, believe it or not, that I realized I'm not the only one to struggle and that I should STOP COMPARING my own journey with others'. Hope that helps. Stay strong!

I can understand how you might be scared, to be honest I feel exactly the same way (I've been clean less than 3 months). All I have to by are these three things, I hope they are helpful for you as well: 1) Every day I don't take adderall, is a day I contribute to my brain healing itself. If I am to believe science, then I believe that the brain is plastic and the neurological pathways created by my addiction will change to other neural pathways created in another part of my brain... if I use it, that is.... 2) If I was to take another pill, I would be undoing all the good work I've done so far, and delaying my healing. I deserve to give my brain a chance. 3) I don't want to have to deal with a cycle of addiction/quitting/addiction my whole life. Honestly, having a big course load is the best thing you can do for your brain right now. Yes it is challenging and will be really hard; you may not get the grades you want in the first couple of semesters. But you are young and you're working on rebooting and rewiring your brain in the healthiest way possible. Much better than sitting on the couch and reading the internets. Read up on your brain, understand exactly what you've done to it, and trust that you are fixing it... day by day. Don't fuck it up now....

Stay strong! Enjoy the food, your body needs it.

Ran 3 miles and did 3 sets of weights. Endorphins rule!

Thanks. I know it's not your intention to offend. And I agree with you... To some extent.... ESP re the longitudinal studies on modern antidepressants and neuropsychology meds. But amphetamines in some way shape or form have been widely used since the 1930s, and extensively in the military and sports... So it is hard to believe there is so little research out there specifically about memory loss. That's what I was researching. And I'm still coming up short... Despite all the collective wisdom and smarts of the quitting adderall gang!

I don't think research is pointless. It may reap very little by way of return, and it's not going to make my brain more plastic, but the amt I've learned the last couple of days about brain function has been really great (if I can remember it all, ha!). And I don't mean to be argumentative, but I am not on a "cocktail" of mind meds.... I kind of find that offensive. I take an antidepressant because I have clinical, chemical depression and it really helps me. I'd probably be dead if it wasn't for buproprion. And I take a sleeping med because I have insomnia - sure I should and will come off it eventually but give it time... I'm 60 days in to quitting adderall, and that's been hard enough. And I take a billion supplements because I've read about them on this site. Cassie, I'm trying, ok? Please go easy...

I don't even remember last Christmas. I was too pilled up. I do remember Thanksgiving and I was a royal pain in the ass.... arguing with everyone about the finest details about the turkey, not letting anyone else in the kitchen, then conking out when the adderall wore off and making everyone clean up while I napped. It's just me and my hubby this Christmas (my family is overseas and his family is kinda dysfunctional so we are each other's family, really); I know he is grateful for having his wife back. I am excited about buying him a present, which I never would have been on adderall... I would have been shopping for myself... spending hours and thousands on myself... Anyway, Happy Adderall-Free Holidays, everyone! Here's to a happy and drug free holiday and new year!

Maybe I should have put this under the "lounge" but I do think it's related to quitting adderall. Many people on this forum have said how much working out, running etc helps with recovery. And there is TONS of research out there about the psychological and long-term health benefits of working out. And I used to, before adderall, be pretty fit... I was a triathlete, state equestrian champion, played basketball and was a pretty good surfer (not all at the same time, obviously). So I know I CAN do it, I just haven't since taking adderall, 3 years ago. I got lazy when a drug was doing all the work for me, and I was always "too busy" to go to the gym. But, as I am nothing if not honest, so I know if I commit to something on this forum then I HAVE to commit to it. So I'm going to start working out 5x a week and although I won't bore you with the details, having you guys to be accountable to will be really helpful. Maybe it will also help with the post-adderall-depression and PAWS too, as well as get me out of the house. Just wanted to make that pronunciation. Will let you know how I go (occasionally, I know this is not a fitness board so don't worry I won't take us off topic).

I did 2-3 hours reading on this yesterday. Studies had been done on those in late puberty who had taken adderall ; and they demonstrated a significant, long term (even permanent) decline in working memory for those who had been on adderall through that period. Now I'm no teenager, and I know it is apparently still early days in my recovery (ugh, I'm as impatient as Kyle sometimes I think... ), but I am still having BIG working memory problems. For example, I had coffee with a friend yesterday and she recalled a conversation I'd had with her a couple of weeks before that I swear could have been fiction. And I was watching SNL online this morning when my husband said, "you saw that last week"... nope, no I didn't. Or so I thought. I am TRYING to find studies that have been done on a) WHY and HOW long term adderall abuse impacts working memory (all the research I've found says it IMPROVES memory so that made me feel even worse); HOW LONG it takes after drug cessation before it comes back; c) whether it is possible to determine cases where there is permanent damage and d) what can be done to either speed recovery or encourage it. Finally, and here is the big question. Does Ambien have anything to do with it? I've been taking 10mg for 4 years and yes, I'm totally addicted to that, too. Yours forgetfully, M