Motivation_Follows_Action

Thanks - useful insights. The reasons for the mental slowdown could be varied, I agree. After reflecting on it, the only real question that counts is... "To what end"? Aging, poor diet, lack of sleep, barely any exercise and lack of work/life balance may all play a large part in the equation. I am responsible for all those things not being quite in alignment. If, after getting all but the aging thing in order, I still feel the same, then maybe I can narrow down the causes a bit. I know I'm a broken record, but I have never been good at balancing the demands of life. Maybe it is taking its toll finally.

What's the wager she is going to be dead within 5 years. Just tragic.

Thanks IR; sorry if it was confusing. I am comparing how I work now with my pre-adderall days. My adderall binges are nothing but black holes in the span of my life's timeline so of course it's not what I am referring to here. Hope that makes sense!

I'll just put it out there: There is no way I want to live that long.

hi guys, well I'm back from a mad scurry to the West Coast for work. I'm loving the new work, and using my brain again. It's intense. I can't figure something out though. I'm just not as quick at doing things any more (and I'm comparing this to my pre-adderall days, of course). For example, I'm working on collating a whole bunch of consulting interview data and putting it in to a conceptual pitch. That probably would have taken me 2-3 hours before; but I started working on it on the flight on the way home and I wasn't even half way done by the time I landed in JFK nearly 6 hours later. I'm still picking up on concepts pretty easily and my memory is returning (slowly), but it's the mental agility to churn stuff out that before adderall I could do with relative ease that I have slowed down on. This observation is only mine, and not noticeable to anyone else, but I am worried because I'm starting to work longer hours to get through everything and I don't want to go down that rabbit hole... Am I brain damaged? I know there is no real answer for this, I'm just curious to know what you guys think. And don't sugar coat it... I can take it!

I won't pray because I believe in you. You can do it. I remember reading your posts when I was in early recovery and they were inspirational. Just wanted you to know that.

3 nights. 300 calories a day. All from alcohol. Plus xanax when i felt like it. I wouldn't wish to repeat that in a hundred lifetimes. Existence as I knew it was altered, and shitty. Being tired is bad. Being awake is worse.

Kyle, my suggestion to you would be to stop reading that stuff. You're ok, you just need to trust yourself and take your recovery day by day. I am on the west coast for work right now (3 time zones in a week whoa..) and I had a bad paws day today, brought on by jetlag and too much going on. But I didn't think too much of it, just that it too shall pass. This too shall pass, you just need that thing that is so simple to say and so hard to do ... Have patience.

Good for you, IR!

We are "spoiled" by having so many good writers and stories on this site. I take it for granted. Others have to read about it in New York mag; we are surrounded by heartbreaking coming-to-Jesus stories every day.

I ran out of this last week and didn't realize how much it helped with energy. It's better than coffee and B12 in my opinion.

Thank you for sharing your journey through hell and to a new place. 4 months is no small amount of time, when every day is a milestone during recovery. The fact you did it all yourself is a testament to your strength and I commend you for knowing yourself well enough to know this had to be a final push for you. Congratulations on your quit and welcome to the forums. I would like also to think that addiction is behind me but in fact I know it is in front of me, every day; and it is only when I let it get behind me that I forget the power it has had on me and I'm tempted to relapse. Relapse takes very little effort. Staying off takes a lot.

I went running a few times while I was away. Never happened to me before but one morning I was running and my allergies were awful, also it was early in the morning and I hadn't recovered from jet lag yet, but anyway, after a hill sprint at the end of my 45 min run... I threw up! I've never worked out so hard in my life that I threw up. I was embarassed, but kind of impressed actually that I worked so hard... Still, consistency is key and I havne't run much since. That's what this upcoming week is about (she says, eternally hopeful...)

You do have a lot going on and have had to deal with a tremendous amount of stress - you're a part-time-single-mom, dealing with some of the most stressful things that a person could deal with in her life; not to mention adding more stress to yourself by pressurizing yourself to have the house perfect and lose weight when your husband comes home from deployment. I can imagine the bind you must feel. Quitting at this stage has to be almost more of a no-brainer than a choice. You have to do the analysis of the trade-offs from the addiction: is it better to have a life of consistency where there is a regular flow to the ups and downs, to be constantly tired and yet able to experience life beneath the surface, and deal with what it throws you? Or is it better to go through life through the lens of adderall, where as the article says, you're unable to focus on on the big picture because the details are all that you are able to care about? Personally, I know from experience that putting off the recovery process until you're "in a place to be able to recover" is a false economy, because life always interrupts. There will always be a reason to use, if you're addicted. There has to be, in your mind, a lot of reasons for you NOT to use. Adderall is not a solve all. It is a source of all the complications that are just sidetracking you from the bigger challenges in life. I'm sorry for your predicament. Welcome to the site and I hope we can help you ife you want to come up with a plan to quit.

Yet another reason to feel proud of yourself! It's easy to give up on those easy days; where you don't have a lot going on and you're feeling fine and nothing is pressuring you. But it's on the trigger days that your resolve is tested. And those are the days that count. Congrats again for staying strong! And you can be assured that you stuck with the mantra in your signature, "no more poison killing my emotions". Go, you!

this is beautiful.

http://gawker.com/all-my-friends-are-dead-489716639

I am so proud of you ld, for continuing along the path to recovery. it is a remarkable place to be to feel like you have it behind you and know you're better off without it. Forever. Just wanted to say that. So proud of you.

Jamanda, how are you doing?

Well said Kyle. Weird thing that happened to me while I was overseas - I felt like I was eating a lot, dinners every night and I was really exhausted; but I didn't really drink diet coke and I never had a red bull the whole time I was there because it was hard to find. And I came back 5lbs lighter! I was just drinking espresso and trying to not feel bloated. I do think Red Bull and 5 hr energy isn't a long term solution. I do think that the amount of sugar and sugar substitutes (which are in great measure in red bull) aren't in general a good idea.

Hi guys, I'm back! Got in last night. The trip was fantastic. Exhausting, but fantastic. To know that I was able to perform under pressure, in an other country where I don't speak the language, and navigate my way around a new organization was great. I got an email from one of the Global Partners telling me I'm doing a great job integrating and my skills will be really valuable. I made a few new friends which I really loved connecting with. I had lots of fun, laughed a lot, and made some good business connections. All of this would never have happened if I'd been on adderall. I would have been reclusive, introverted, a bit of a weirdo. I would have obsessed over all the presentation details I needed to do and felt weirdly competitive rather than like working with my colleagues. I would have felt threatened rather than challenged; and spent way too much time on looking perfect rather than connecting with others. Another huge milestone for me. Now I have 2 weeks of regular work to catch up with, but it was a terrific experience and I loved every minute of it.

In Recovery, what an encouraging post! I can tell you from experience that all this stress and pressure and having to go from content to testing to content to testing is a good replica of the real world, as well you know. So much of what you are learning is resilience and consistency; a leadership trait that will last for the rest of your life. And it may have taken a huge amount for you to get there, but no one can take this away from you. Congratulations!!!

Heather, I haven't caught up on what's been going on with you but I'm sorry you keep having these run ins and dramas. Life isn't supposed to be that complicated. Is there anything you can do to make it a bit simpler for yourself?

I'm really sorry to hear this Kyle and proud of you for sticking with us when the alternative - running away - would have seemed easier. Sometimes we are a tough, "take no prisoners" crowd and that can be scary if you relapse, Only one thing I will say is that you say you want to pay less attention to the relapse and then move on, until the relapsing happens more often (and in secret because you told everyone you quit) and it is a lonely and anxious place to be. We are here to support you and think you for being brave and thoughtful. You may be a pain in the ass here occasionally but when it ll comes down, you're an honest dude in a tough situation. It is understandable (no okay, but understandable). Hng in there...

Kyle can you save your trolling for reddit, maybe? Many of us love to be anti-establishment somehow, but I personally try to be a better person on this site - people here make me want to be. We all want the best for you Kyle - I'm sorry but you seem to come across as so bitter sometimes. You have sometimes offered some of the most profound insights and can be genuinely sensitive. I'm sorry for whatever it is you are going through - let us try to help you.