BeHereNow

YEAH ASHLEY! 15 months and one class to go! You've got this! Are you taking summer term or fall? I can totally understand why you're nervous about going back to the same place that will bring back adderall memories! BUT I'm also sure that once you get used to being there, you can start breaking the association with adderall. The memories will come back but I bet you'll be glad that adderall chapter is over and you're doing this all on your own! GO YOU!!!

I'm happy for you! Keep that momentum going because like Cassie said, there are usually ups and downs. It's great that you're quitting during the right time of year. Moving forward, it might help to stay grounded in the way you feel about quitting right now. The happiness will give you momentum that will help you stay positive as you ride this out. Congratulations on your new chapter of life!!!

Thanks Ashley!! I'm proud of you too for a year and 2 months!! I like what you said about always reminding ourselves of what we lost. That way we don't glamourize it. When I have random memories of my adderall days, most of them are not pleasant.... and those that are, are fake anyways. I think part of the reason I had that dream was because I was wanting the emotionally numbing qualities of adderall. Been going through a lot of emotional life stuff and adderall used to be a shortcut to dull my emotions, an instant fake pick-me-up. I guess like you said it's good to remember the reasons it was appealing, and the soul-numbing part became part of its appeal. What was lost was the ability to actually deal with things like a human being. Recovery also means re-learning how to navigate all those messy human emotions and actually process things.

OK! This week I am officially joining the club! Been averaging around 7-10 miles of hiking this summer but haven't been running. It's time! This past week I've run ~4 miles, lifted some weights, did some planks and push ups, and 20 minutes of hard swimming yesterday. Not sure of the distance. I'm also back on the alcohol-free train, which feels pretty great and is giving me tons of energy to work out. This week I WILL get those 12 miles!!

Well I don't want to start another thread, but had another adderall dream I need to get off my chest. In my dream I was with a close friend (I've never met in real life) who was offering me adderall and really laying on the pressure to take it. For some reason, this time it was brown. I was feeling ambivalent about it and eventually split the pill with this anonymous "friend." My half was 15 mg IR. I split that in half too. I actually swallowed it. I remember being scared about relapsing, and in my dream I was waiting and waiting for the effects to kick in. I was waiting for that euphoria. It never showed up and i woke up. And the worst part is this: I woke up disappointed that it was only a dream. I knew it was a bad thing, but I couldn't shake the disappointment that I didn't actually have any to take. As the day passed I shook it off but I'm pretty disturbed by that reaction. It might be related to stresses in my life, but.....it's been 6 months now. How long does it take before these dreams stop?

Hi Whosthisguy, Your friends are probably not lying to you. You ARE obviously smart and talented, and I'm willing to bet that you are beautiful and easy to talk to, too. These are your actual personality traits. It sounds like adderall is ruining these qualities. That's what it often does over the long term. It starts to destroy the same qualities it pretends to enhance. Adderall also has a way deeply undermining self-confidence. It lies to us. It says, take me and you will be smart, amazing, beautiful, etc. but without me you can't have any of these qualities or achievements. This is a lie. The focus and drive it brings out are also YOU, but a version of you on speed. And the speedy version is less genuine. Adderall undermines confidence because it starts to seem that the adderall, and not YOU, is the source of your beauty, brains, and accomplishments. Again, this is a lie it tells us. Yes. People who take adderall tend to be highly intelligent and driven. Adderall is pretty compelling for smart people because it seems to enhance intelligence and drive. But you're already smart. In fact, I'd be willing to bet you are exponentially smarter without it. If you give yourself the time to recover, and the time to get it done speed-free, you could totally write a 38 or 200 page thesis without adderall. In fact, I'd also be willing to bet your thesis would be better if you wrote it adderall-free. I know this is hard to believe but trust me, you have the smarts. Adderall is just a crappy chemical. YOU are the writer, YOU have the brains. You're totally right. The best time for you to quit is NOW, this summer, before you start grad school. If I could help someone learn from any of my mistakes, I would tell them to quit adderall before grad school. I made the huge mistake of resuming/relapsing on adderall at the beginning of grad school. Because like you, I was petrified. I thought I needed it for the work load and I thought I wasn't smart enough without it. What happened? I was hyperfocused on some projects at the expense of others. So hyperfocused that I started losing my ability to complete anything. I was PARALYZED by social anxiety. (I too ruined a great relationship because I was so hyperfocused.) I was a zombie who was afraid to engage with any of my peers or professors. I cannot even begin to convey the damage this has done to my career. I lost out on so many potential friendships, so many chances to interact with amazing and brilliant people. I was miserable and almost dropped out. Now that I've quit, I'm slowly rebuilding my social life (and I don't have much of one because I spent all that time tweaked out, "too busy" and isolating myself.) But the damage is already done, and there's only so much damage control I can do after spending 2.5 years like that. Your social connections are just as important to your career as your thesis. Not to mention that quitting halfway through was about a million times harder than it would have been if I had quit earlier on. I'm emphasizing all this because first you need to truly want to quit. After that, you can start strategizing how to do work without adderall. Yes, it's going to suck for awhile but there are concrete steps you can take, and people here can help you figure out some strategies. But first, you need to commit to quitting and cut yourself off from your adderall sources. I can tell that you don't want to ruin your experience and career by continuing this adderall path. It only gets worse. It will eventually start destroying your writing and research, too. Trust me on this, I followed that path to rock bottom and you do not want to go there. You're too smart and beautiful to ruin yourself and your career over this horrible drug.

Hi Sagekat! First of all, I totally feel you on these psychological "disorders." There is no "normal," so the concept of a disorder is based on a false idea of what it means to be "normal." It makes no sense! You are YOU and you are AMAZING! Like you said, only you know what it's like to be in your head. If those psychiatrists' labels aren't helpful to you getting better, then screw 'em! Second... In an important sense, you aren't alone. A lot of people in our community here are going through the same things and can relate to what you're going through. This forum has helped me to know that I am NOT going through my recovery completely alone..... that there are people who understand and will be supportive and helpful. That's what we're here for. Third.... and this is the harsh truth... there are some things that we can only do alone. There are things we can do with other people, and things that we can only do on our own. This doesn't mean isolating ourselves, it just means there are places where we can't bring anyone. We can be helped and supported, but there are some journeys that have to be solitary by nature. Facing certain fears, healing a broken heart, going in for a job interview, having surgery, building up the courage to ask someone out, speaking the truth, recovering from substances. This is YOUR recovery. You have plenty of support here, but you're the one going through your situation, and it's one of those things that does involve being alone some of the time. And actually, that's OK. It might turn out to give you some good quality healthy alone time. In some ways, I think that knowing and accepting that there are some things we have to do alone can be comforting. It can help summon the courage to move forward. But never forget how much support you have! People here will support your journey 100%! And maybe eventually you'll feel comfortable telling a trusted friend about what you're going through. I eventually did-- at first adderall was my dirty secret, now my close friends know that I've quit and I don't feel the need to isolate myself with it anymore. Because that's what adderall does-- it isolates us. Once you start reaching out to other people, the adderall starts losing its grip. Anyway, congratulations on 4 days!!! Keep it up and keep moving forward because there is a better life ahead of you where you can truly enjoy your family and your life!!! <3

Just got back from visiting with an old friend and learned something that might or might not be helpful to some people here. In the past my friend suffered from extreme depression, borderline personality disorder, eating disorders, substance abuse (including adderall, which I'm pretty sure he still uses) and he also used to have suicidal thoughts (even on the adderall.) About a year ago, I almost called the cops because he kept talking about wanting to die. He was extremely moody, filled with rage and sadness, and had isolated himself from the whole world, including friends and family. I am now proud to say that my friend is doing much, much better. He still uses some substances, which hopefully he will decide to quit eventually. Hopefully he takes antidepressants (I didn't ask), but he seems calm and stable overall which is a VERY good thing. It's like his old personality is slowly coming back. What's changed? He didn't do an inpatient program, he didn't change locations, he didn't get a new job or anything. One thing that HAS changed is that he is now fostering dogs from the local homeless shelter, and he really loves it. He puts an incredible amount of time, energy, love, and effort into caring for these dogs and making sure they are healthy and safe. He now also has a pet turtle (away from the dogs!), and he told me a story about how he recently rescued a bird that had been hit by a car. It's a touchy subject, but I couldn't help but wonder if caring for animals is helping him somewhat with his depression. Obviously it can't be the only factor, but it seems to be helping. He's still using substances and he's not 100% himself yet, but he is much calmer, more stable, and although he still doesn't smile much, he doesn't seem to be in the depths of agonizing misery the way he used to be. This also makes me wonder if my cat might be helping my adderall recovery too. My cat always consoles me on PAWS days, and caring for her helps, especially since she was rescued from the streets. Anyway, I looked it up on the internet and found there is a correlation. Pretty interesting article: http://psychcentral....eve-depression/ I'm sure it's not for everyone (and I know a lot of people here have kids, which I can't even imagine that kind of responsibility!) but it seems that for some people, who are ready for it, this might help. At least, I'm sure it's been theraputic for me, and although I might be wrong, I'm pretty sure it helps my friend too. Thoughts?

Hi! YES, in the past I have felt these feelings of resentment towards my former enabler, who also thought she was doing something helpful and nice for me. I've gone back and forth on it, but eventually I just had to let it go and understand that nobody forced me to take it--I chose to, and quitting is cleaning up my own mess. The difference is that you were medicated at a young age by doctors and parents. I chose to take this as an adult and lost control and I can't resent anyone, but you were a minor and you didn't really have quite as much of a choice. 14-year old brains are not yet fully formed, and although you might have had some degree of choice, there's a reason why the legal system treats minors differently from how it treats adults: minors are in some sense less responsible for their actions. So, I think your feelings of resentment are completely understandable and valid. (Mine on the other hand were irrational, but I am happier now that I let them go.) Resentment and anger are expensive emotions though, so I think it might be worth working through them. I mean people go through all kinds of abuse at as children and have to find ways of not allowing anger, resentment, trauma, etc. to ruin their lives. Do you have a good therapist? That might help you work through this; it's probably the route I'd take if I were you. It sounds like working through these emotions might be part of your healing process. What do you think?

Its great that you are able to have so much control over your adderall use, and I'm sure your tips could be very helpful in another context. Just to add to Ashley's point about loss of control: A lot of people log onto this forum for help when we are on the verge of relapse (which for most of us would lead to complete loss of control.) A common pattern is that we start telling ourselves we could just take it as prescribed, take low doses in moderation, etc. It's a lie we tell ourselves. I'm worried that this post might be a trigger for some people on here. I hope it's not, and it's not for me today, but on any other day maybe it could be.

Sleep in and enjoy it girl!!! Sounds amazing!! You have been working your mind/body way too hard for as long as you've been taking those amp's and now you are recovering and healing. What a beautiful thing, as much as it hurts, it's amazing that the brain can recover from adderall. GO YOU! Recovery is not linear and there are temptations and recovery days well into the process....... but it DOES GET BETTER. Overall. The roller coaster becomes more mellow, the more time you allow yourself to heal. Just PRESS ON!

MFA I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling so much right now. Please don't relapse. You have come way too far in your recovery and you have way too much to lose. Your brain has healed so much. Your work IS going uphill, even if you aren't seeing the results yet. Just to add to the above: The end of the adderall line (for me) also involved weight gain. My metabolism dropped so low I reached a new maximum weight. This isn't common, but I think it's really important not to romanticize it for weight control. The only way out is through. Relapse is not an option. As QO said when I was on the verge of relapse: "Change the channel!"

Thanks friends <3 I love how we celebrate success stories and share our challenges on here, and encourage and inspire each other. I was pretty surprised I pulled this off. Looking back on how, I think it was all a matter of patience and spending the time, even if it takes longer, and also getting shit done (make it crappy!) Maybe I was also working harder/better because I knew I didn't have that crutch anymore, and also had no fake adderall-induced self confidence, so it was all on ME and I may have started putting even more into everything. The fact that my anxiety / stress / overwhelmed feelings are reduced helps me 'work smarter not harder' now that I'm clean. I think you're right on Ashley, our successes show what a terrible liar adderall is. We are so much smarter and stronger than that soul crushing drug! It really doesn't make anyone smarter, and it doesn't necessarily lead to better results. P.S. I have no idea how to do them either but I do appreciate the smilies!

I am so impressed by everyone's dedication and motivation! I need to get on this!! Just wondering, is anyone here on Daily Mile? dailymile.com. The basic idea is pretty similar to what we have going in this thread. I've been slacking lately but I post all my workouts on there and it adds up the mileage for me. It's a pretty good way to track workouts, and you can also encourage friends, comment on people's workouts, start a group challenge, set goals, look back over your weeks and months, etc. Pretty fun. To be honest it really helps me stay motivated. Sooo, I'm going to join the 12 miles a week club here very soon, but if anyone is interested in joining me on daily mile, just message me

Hey Tjtigers, I can definitely relate to how hard it is to be around people who are still using and who are "shitting out ideas" (amazing description, MFA!) The thing is, the quality only goes downhill when it's a case of idea diarrhea. You said he's always coming up with "method after method." But how many methods do you really need for this project? Too many ideas = confusion and loss of quality. He writes 3 paragraphs where you write 1 sentence? How good are these paragraphs, really? I'm currently re-reading a short essay I wrote back when I was on adderall. It's 8 pages long and I wrote it in probably 2 hours max. BORING. SO FUCKING BORING. It's OK I guess but.... Too many ideas! Moving too quickly, and all of them are underdeveloped! At the time, those ideas felt divine. Now they just feel flat and lifeless.....zombie-like....hollow, the way adderall makes people. I know that the topic I was (am) writing about is actually an interesting one. But writing about it on adderall, and moving too quickly through it, was just a bad case of idea diarrhea. I wish I could flush it, but I have to rewrite it instead I hope this doesn't happen to your friend, but it might. What I'm trying to suggest is that the quality of your work is at least the equal to his, if not higher. Quality takes time.

Hi Brayden, Welcome to the forums! You're not alone-- a lot of people on here have been through similar experiences. It sounds like you've hit a point where you've started experiencing amphetamine psychosis, which is actually not uncommon as I've learned on this site. If you go under the 'Announcements' folder, there is a thread called 'the 8 stages of amphetamine addiction.' Do you relate to any of those stages? It sounds like it might be especially challenging for you to quit since you started at such a young age. Your concern about how to function after you quit is pretty understandable. If you stick around, there are a lot of success stories of people who learned how to function without that pill. You can find a lot of advice and support too, just keep posting. Do you plan to wean yourself off or are you planning to quit cold turkey? Do you have a good network of people who will support you during your quitting process?

Ok just a little update on this success story: I now have all my final grades back! I was so worried that quitting adderall would fuck over my GPA. I was so dependent on adderall, I thought I needed it and could not function without it etc. Anyway, turns out my GPA has gone up!!!! This quitting semester I somehow pulled the best GPA I've gotten in all 5 semesters of grad school. It's official: QUITTING ADDERALL IMPROVED MY GPA AND THE QUALITY OF MY WORK. (Not to mention the quality of my life.)

Hi MFA! First: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Externally and internally and whatever you weigh. I think looking good is diverse, is about feeling good in your own skin and projecting that confidence. Gestures, how you carry yourself, etc. Second: I don't know your husband or his intentions, so it's probably good to ask (to ask yourself) a few questions (?): What are your husband's intentions, from what you can tell? Is he saying this to help you be healthier exercise/diet-wise? Or is it something harsher? (I'm asking because I like to assume people have good intentions before making judgements or getting upset. But this sounds REALLY HARSH to me. Possibly even emotionally abusive.) Are there any other issues that he might be taking out on you in these comments about your looks? Cliche, but please know that being healthy, being happy, etc. count more towards your beauty than anything else. If you DO want to lose weight, it should be FOR YOU and it should NOT involve starving yourself. As someone whose weight has been up and down for years, I can say this much: you need to lose weight slowly or else you will gain it right back and then some. P.S. As you know I've taken several brands of diet pills (Xenadrine EFX, Stacker 2's) throughout my recovery as adderall replacements for stimulant purposes. They're mostly just caffeine pills and mysterious ingredients. Usually when I take them I eat a bunch of candy and/or nachos, or cocktails afterwards. It's not a solution. Much more effective, I like to put fruits and veggies at the base of my food pyramid. And find physical activities I enjoy. Those have worked the best. (Not that I can talk right now cause I'm packing on the pounds too, but in the past that's what's worked for me.) Smart, beautiful, classy, BADASS LADY. <3 EDIT: Lots made

QO, congratulations on 2 years! And thank you for all that you offer us on here. Your words and thoughts (and, judging by your story, your actions) are very, very powerful.

Hi Ally, If you truly want to quit, then don't get a refill. Just don't. I cannot stress this enough. Every pill you take will set you back. You are already 6 days into your recovery and even though those 6 days are some of the worst, your brain/body has already started healing. A refill is a pathway to relapse. The voice in your head that thinks you can step down is the voice of addiction trying to trick you into relapse. Don't give in to it. If you truly want to quit, you're going to need to keep sweating it out. Keep sleeping, fuck showering if you don't want to right now. Eat some really good food and let yourself be lazy. It's gonna take some time and the first month or two is pretty rough, but it's worth it. For many people, quitting is only possible once you cut yourself off from your source. That's the only reason I quit, I got cut off. If you are serious about quitting, I'd strongly recommend cutting yourself off in whatever way you need to.

Pretty interesting reading experience I'd like to share: Re-reading a book I first read when I was cracked out on adderall. I knew it was a good book even then, but it's exponentially better than my adderall mind could possibly have understood. I almost feel like I'm reading a new book entirely. Probably partly because of the memory loss on adderall thing, but also partly because my heart, mind, and approach have all changed. No surprise, but I am amazed by all the things I missed back then. Last time, I must have just sped right through it and on to the next one. I see more, understand more, appreciate more, think more with my sober brain. I have more of an emotional connection to the book, which helps me to understand it even more fully. (It's a history book full of narratives, so the emotional connection is important to understanding this history. On adderall, I was too emotionally numb to actually feel anything I was reading.) The biggest reason I ever took adderall is because I thought I was basically illiterate without it. I also believed it helped me understand books on a deeper level. Turns out I was so wrong, and I'm only realizing this now that I'm re-reading this book. So, it DOES get better, MUCH better, if anyone considering quitting or first quitting is reading this.

Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement friends-- It was pretty terrifying and I didn't think this was possible. I say it all the time but I have YOU to thank for this post-adderall success

JUST SUBMITTED IT!!!! Everything always takes longer than I expect, and it's not 100% perfect, but I JUST GOT IT DONE!!! This means I have officially just finished my first adderall-free semester!!!! I survived 3 intense grad seminars AND teaching my own courses!!-- WITHOUT STUPID ADDERALL!!!!!! So far I have an A and an A- and an incomplete that hopefully will also turn into something good-- but even if it doesn't--I KNOW I did my best and put a lot of effort in, and I'm happy with that. Slow and steady and patient. This project has caused me sooo many PAWS days and cravings. But sending it in today I know it's a good thing I'm not on adderall anymore, because if I were I'd be obsessing over all the details of this thing for at least the next month or two. Feels pretty good to actually get something done for once! Quitting is so worth it!! Also: Yesterday was my adderall-free anniversary-- 5 months clean!!!!! YEAH!

(I'm posting this to hold myself accountable. If I say it publicly then it has to happen right?) Well I've been working on this project for a couple months now. I've been fighting major writer's block, but also finding ways around it. I've done lots of careful thoughtful research and I'm way over the page limit of course, which means I'm just really inspired and probably in over my head. But for some reason I haven't been able to bring myself to hand it in and be done even though it's late. This is the last thing standing between me and finishing my first adderall-free semester of grad school. I think I've been working on it slowly because I'm scared it won't turn out as good as my work used to on adderall. I think I might also be self-sabotaging a little. And maybe I care a little too much about it. Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist. But all of this is about to change TODAY. I WILL finish and submit this project TODAY. I'm going to make it crappy.... REALLY REALLY CRAPPY. I'll post an update once it's done, and no sooner.

6 months is amazing MFA! That's halfway to one year! I like that your dream was intricate and thoughtful and brought out a lot of deeper aspects of the addiction. It sounds pretty dark and traumatic, but also very insightful into how far you've progressed in these 6 months!!! GO YOU!