SeanW

Yes painful social anxiety sometimes feel it's so bad that is literally wrecks the atmosphere in any room I enter.. doesn't help I stand out physical appearance wise

Well I'm back here again, failed the semester, failed to quit, and now I can't graduate till next spring due to the fucking holding pattern of university's by only offering upper level classes annually... i was going on 4 weeks then relapsed today. It has to stop for good.. getting rediculous psychosis delusions that everything is about me and have terrible social anxiety. I've developed this idea of a parallel world purely emotional where real life takes place and everyone is communicating but I'm out of the loop because I'm weak and beat down from my drug use and that in this parallel emotional world I'm like a little beat up piece of crap and everyone is walking on me wherever I go like I can feel it. Yeah.. it sucks.. going to have to wait this out for, my guess, awhile.. can't believe I'm in this situation, the future is so daunting. I need to get societal demands taken care of to survive and somehow get my sanity back at the same time.. fuck me

Thank you for the reply and insight! This is really rough and I get waves of intense anxiety that I'm not getting enough done, won't get enough done and that I'm in too deep in unfinished work and I'm going to fail the semester my senior year and I'll be a whole year behind.. I was taking a 10-20mg 5 days a week for the first couple months then my ego started chasing the euphoria and before I knew it I was taking 40mg a day and was taking only a day off a week. When I was recently taking I was capable of being very productive the first couple hours then I would feel intense dysphoria and compelled to take more or suffer the rest the day till I can sleep.. In the past 13 days I took it just the day I mentioned above. I'm feeling more confident than ever that I won't start taking it again but as far as passing this semester, I don't know.. It really sucks feeling that I might be a year behind especially since I'm already a year behind due to transferring schools but I know the feeling of addiction is just as bad and also destroying my health where as right now I'm feeling stronger and more myself than ever I just can't focus enough for the ridiculous amount of work being thrown on me.. Next update will probably be towards the end of the semester, hopefully it will be positive. Thanks again

Hey I appreciate the replies and assurance. I quit 7 days ago and have felt really determine and have done well till this afternoon "ten hours ago". I hit a low and felt so tired and convinced myself to take some and immediately regretted it.. I've been feeling so good. I shouldn't have put myself in a tempting situation. I feel done with it. I'm determined to do this. I'll be back to update. Thanks again, I really appreciate the support

I guess I just feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if don't. Sorry if there's no real point to this post.

Hey everyone, glad to have found this site. I'm going to get right to it. I'm in my last year of studying chemical engineering and I absolutely hate adderall. I've been taking it regularly for a year now and all it's done is pretty much put me in a enormous hole of sleep deprivation and malnutrition.. Every ounce of me can't stand to take it but I also can't stand the thought of dropping out my last year of school after so much hard work. I'm afraid if I quit I'll be too mentally and physically exhausted to pass and if I do it'll be barely and my gpa will suffer along with my chances of a job.. I've failed to quit probably five times in the last two months and it always goes the same way, the first couple days I feel so focused and determined then seems to fade so quickly and if I'm not constantly doing something my mind is trying to convince me to take adderall.. Is it unrealistic for me to believe I can do this and still finish my school year? I've always felt I could do anything I put my mind do but after failing to quit probably five or more times now I'm losing hope.. Any advice or encouragement or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.. Thanks for taking the time to read