SeanW

We've all been in your position. It's a stage of addiction. You can reach many conclusions that seem to comfort and make sense of things and bring wisdom but in the end the answer is the same, quit.

My dad doesn't believe the adderall is the problem he just thinks I'm a lazy ass, I've tried telling him and showing stories on here and he's just like, "that is out of your system in a month, you should be fine" he's just recently told me he's going to kick me out if I don't get my shit together. But yeah, I still agree I've been very lucky he's helped me out this far.

Yeah I've been there too. Contemplating hanging, holding a gun to my head. The only reason I haven't is knowing how it would crush my family and my dad.. if he wasn't here then I would have already..

Yeah I could see that. Too bad he left an 11 year old daughter behind.

From the way it sounds it's not going to help you pass. I don't want to advocate any use but if you're talking your career and future and a living and you believe it'll help you pass take a minimum amount only a couple times a week and don't skip meals and sleep. You wont be getting high or chasing a high you have to control yourself for the sake of your life.

Man I've been in literally the exact same situation with the exact same thoughts and feelings. Like not being able to feel and connect to god and how the adderall just made me want to smoke and use other drugs and not eat. Instead of the bar it was my senior year of chemical engineering at a really competitive/tough school. Wish I had good news for you but I ended up choosing health and dropped out and have been luckyily able to stay back at my dads. It's been a year and I still didn't feel like I was capable of finishing my last year off adderall so I relapsed. All I can say is keep hope that things can only get better if you're taking care of yourself.. it might not be on the timeline you want but eventually, whether you fail or pass this time, take care of yourself. If you can't take care of yourself while using then stop but take care of yourself and with time things have to get better. Did I mention take care of yourself? lol you HAVE to eat and sleep or you're headed up shit creek.

Thanks for the replies guys. I haven't touched it since I wrote this post, but I do feel that old addict desire to take it which I had pretty much forgotten about prior to the relapse. The relapse pretty much instantly reestablished those neural path ways of the addict.

I obsessed over recording and playing and would play songs a ridiculous amount of times and it would never sound just how I wanted. I would half ass learn like a 100 songs a day any song you can think of I probably learned it and recorded it. I would pretty much berate and hate myself for any hiccup in the song or if I couldn't hit the notes lol

It hurts to write this but I relapsed.. Last Thursday I went to a psychiatrist because I've been really struggling with dillusions and what feels like psychosis from my drug days. I ended up with a script for 20mg vyvanse and have been on everyday since.. It felt good at first and I felt clarity which I haven't felt at all in recovery. But of course the oh so familiar terrible crash came. I'm so confused about my feelings and what is real and what isn't real because people around me seem happier when I'm on vyvanse and all through recovery it has felt like people were really bothered with my sober presence. I'm in such a terrible place in life right now and it overwhelms me. I'm jobless and living at home and I'm just swamped and crushed by the idea of how much work I have to do to get back on my feet. To the point that sometimes it doesn't feel worth it like I'd much rather die. None of this matters because I don't have an option.. it's work or die. It just sucks I'm consumed by this drug induced fear that I've been trying to conquer since I quit all the drugs last year. I'm a schiz anyways.. I'll post later this week on what's going on.. for anyone reading this this who hasn't quit, this time last year I was on track to finish my chemical engineering degree at a well known engineering school and thanks to adderall I dropped out and not only that it has ruined my ability to function and be a productive member of society. I could of been 24 years old chemical engineer making 70k and I'm now 25 have only my car to my name, jobless, living at home and unable to communicate and possibly not even capable of finishing my degree.

lol yes it does make you so damn horny. I too spent countless hours on porn when I wasn't with my girlfriend which I usually felt guilty afterwards

Yeah it's different and functioning differently but in time it might be a better way of functioning who knows

Yep, I mean it would get rid of the fatigue but just put me in a state of mania without euphoria and I'd rather be a zombie then a maniac

Lol shoulda known better going to Coachella , I went to bonnaroo early in recovery "about 2 months" and ended up dropping a bunch of acid and shrooms and molly but still didn't fuck with adderall. I literally hate that shit now. I could still be tempted by the drugs I mentioned but I'm sick of adderall.

I've had the same thoughts over and over Ive sat and soaked in pain and suffering. One day hope will come. I just tell myself suicide is not and option and do whatever I can to ease the pain- exercise, friends, occasional alcohol, sleep. Love is lost at the moment, adderall gave you a poisonious love that eventually would kill you and not last because it's not a real love. Your brain is use to a super high level of excitement and elevated version of reality. I look at it as a line and graph where there's a base level we left that far behind and shot to the moon in adderall for a long time then when we quit well fell down below base at an equal distance that we were above it with adderall so now we have to deal with the climb back to base level where we'll find peace. It's daunting to think how far you have to go and the pain is overwhelming but you just have to carry on.. if you survive this and find peace no one will be able to take that from you and you'll be in disbelief that you made it but you can. At least I keep hope as of now that I can.. some days I feel hopeless but just try to make it one day at a time.. living is that sense of excitement and it'll be few and far between for awhile just appreciate the few moments you get and keep hope that one day it'll come and stay.

You can't give up just realize you're not the same person as you were years ago before abuse regardless of the abuse you still would have changed and been a different person with a different 'normal' so just try and except the situation and do your best and you never know how things will work out

Not at all but it's only been a year. I'm prolly 30-50% better

I know what you mean, you feel for them so much you want to save/help them so bad but it's useless until they come to their own realization

Lol that'll do it

Yeah I felt just like that not having anything to say just completely blank but I'm doing better now at one year clean. You're not permanently fucked, my self and other people have taken absurd amounts of adderall and vyvanse along with other shit and have healed with time. The whole scattered brain dead thing really sucks you just have to do what you can and not be too hard on yourself and let time heal you.

Girls man, they make you do dumb shit.

Sitting alone playing guitar, frequent visits to the gas station for nicotine and caffeine, doing 12 hours of advanced physics, mathematics and thermodynamics in 2 or 3 hours as fast as I could in the middle of the night for school. Staring at my phone for hours. Not sleeping. Not eating. Obsessing over my girlfriends actions and the idea she was cheating. Downers - alcohol, klonopin, weed, sleep meds. Trying to play music at a reasonable volume cause I didn't want apartment mates to hear at 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning.

Hey Sam, I've battled hell for the past 12 months since quitting and like you the only reason I haven't died is the idea of what it would do to my family and the people that love me. I know what it's like to have nothing to live for and to hate everything and want to die. It's terrible thing but it has gotten better since my first few months. I can only hope it continues to get better because if I didn't have family I would have checked out by now. I try to keep hope that there's a reason to continue and that one day I'll find lasting happiness. I believe everyone deserves it and will find it eventually if you're willing to fight for it. You're definitely not alone in the dark abyss of pain and depression. There's many that are there and have been there and made it out to find love and happiness, it can be done but not without a price. I hope you continue to have good days. I know what it's like to feel alone but you're not. Hang in there and feel free to message with any questions and look for support here.

Thanks Eric! I hope things get better for you, this last month things really started getting better I hope the same happens for you!

Thanks!!

So I made it to one year!! Also, it's Friday the 13th. lol I'm feeling the best I have yet. Looking forward to year two addy free. This past year has been absolute hell compared to any other time in my life. I don't know how I did it. Although it feels at times that I'm not making progress when I think back to this time last year, the last time I used and the shape I was in there is a world of difference. So happy to be here today so much healthier and making steps in the right direction for my future. This forum and all you guys have really helped me. Without y'all I would have been so much more lost and don't know if I would of made it. Stay strong everybody! Love you guys!