SeanW

Your story is inspiring @Cheeri0 I have a very similar situation I’m just a year or so behind you. I was 24 when I hit a similar rock bottom. Dropped out, lost my job, had no friends, lost my girlfriend, moved back home with my dad.

Yeah man I’m finding myself living for the weekends when I can go out have some drinks and feel like a normal person. It’s the only time I’m capable of having a decent moving conversation. It seems to be how most people live. Work the week and enjoy the weekend. Im trying to cut back though because I don’t feel like I should be spending money on alcohol if I’m still living at home. Maybe when I get back on feet have my own place and a career I’ll feel better about it.

I spent the first six months locked up in my apartment. I couldn’t do anything social. I’m now working daily around people, I go to the gym daily, I spend weekends with family and go out occasionally for some drinks and socialize. I also started playing open mics. I never had the guts or confidence on adderall to play in front of people but it’s something I’m proud to say I am doing now with out adderall.

Lol I feel the same way

@Socially awkward you can make to a year. You’ll be there before you know it. I know what you mean as far as taking it just for the hell of it. Even when you know it doesn’t really work we still take it. I think we do this to numb ourselves from the emotions and problems in our life. Even though it doesn’t work like it use it it still helps us forget about our problems and pain for a little bit. @EricP besides the recent relapse my struggles have been confusion on what to do with my life. I’m working a dead end construction job now and I don’t know if I’m capable of finishing my degree and can’t decide what to pursue as a career. I’m almost always bored and overwhelmed at the same time. The only time I feel any relief is after a few drinks which is not very healthy or a good habit to develope.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who will love me as much as she did.

Haven’t heard from ya in a while @EricP im at 20 months off and still struggling

As soon as I started taking it every morning I was fucked. I spent about a year just taking it for two or three days before exams but as soon as I said fuck it I’ll just take it every morning things went down hill fast. When it was the first thing on my mind as soon as I opened my eyes in the morning. Then eventually doubling and tripling my dose took it to another level of fucked. Then when I got curious of what it would be like combined with other drugs took it to another lvl of fucked. Started popping opiates with it, smoking weed every hour along with that, then added benzos like Xanax and klonopin, then added alcohol and partying, then started dropping acid and shrooms after going days without sleep or food on top of all that. Not to mention constant nicotine and caffeine and over the counter sleep aids. @Frank B I’m trying to decide what to do with my future and have looked into hvac training and also operation technology like power plant operator stuff. Can I make a decent living working with hvac training or do I pretty much have to start my own business to make any money?

I’m going for the six pack also. Same mind set. Never had one so figured I’d go for it. Luckily I’m still pretty young so hopefully I’ll get there in the next six months to a year. I workout 4-5 days a week and cut out a lot of sugar and processed shit.

I’ve made huge steps for me towards improvement but it’s not good enough for my dad. I’ve gotten a job. I’ve been there for family events. I do all my laundry, dishes and house hold chores on time daily. My dad wants to move out but I’m not making enough money yet. As as far as finding someone. I don’t feel I’ll be ready to love for at least another two years. I want to be able to be happy on my own and make sure I’m loving myself first. As far as my relationship. I never blamed her, yelled at her, fought with her at all. What broke my heart was my friend finding her with another guy. And after that I couldn’t trust her but I still loved her and I took her back. I tried my hardest to trust her again but I kept catching her lying and when I did she would totally change and be so loving and nice for a few weeks maybe a month or two then I’d catch her lying again and the cycle would start over. I was co dependent. I didn’t know how to love healthily. At least you tried to help your husband. She just left me as soon as I stumbled. When I needed her more than anything she wanted me less than ever. I came in one night and she was sleeping so I went to pick up some food and fifteen minutes later when I returned she was gone. Haven’t heard a word from her since. She ended a 7 year relationship with zero closure.

Thank you for the replies.. a lot of my problems are emotional. I had a girl who I loved and completely trusted turn out to be a nightmare and emotionally manipulated me. Which part of me wants to not blame her because I was struggling with addiction but she didn’t help by any means. No matter how addicted I was I ALWAYS put her first I was ALWAYS there for her I would do anything for her at the drop of a hat. I would drop anything i was doing at the drop of a hat for anything she wanted or needed. I always listened to her. I loved her no matter how bad she treated me because I saw the good in her when I was just me and her. If I noticed her falling into addiction and drug abuse I would of stopped at nothing to save her. Unfortunately i couldnt do that for myself. She watched me disappear into nothing. We dated for 7 years I started the drugs at year 5 so we had many great years before. I sacrificed myself and broke my own heart because I didn’t honor myself. The love was unhealthy towards the end but I never knew how serious and bad it could mess me up. So between that and the drugs I developed psychosis. I’m paranoid and have sever anxiety disabling me from connecting to anyone. I don’t even feel comfortable around family anymore due to the psychosis. I have no one. For the past almost two years I’ve been hoping that it would eventually change but now almost two years later I still can’t connect to anyone. I’m just so tired of hurting and not being able to let it out or share it because I’m too fucked up to connect to anyone. My heart hurts everyday, I feel like I’m caring years of pain, years of abuse and I can’t cry I just hurt. I’ve just given up hope and said fuck it all. I’m damned to hell. I’m living in a hell. All the good years I had prior to drugs I never knew life could turn into a living hell. My brain won’t let me feel love. As soon as the world lights up and the mood lifts for just one moment my brain goes nope and it fades away and I disappear back into hell.

Yeah good point. If I wasn’t on the ap I’m on I’d just be compensating with alcohol and other drugs which are worse for my health not to mention illegal. I guess growing up I always took great pride in my own strength and independence and always did things in moderation and never had a problem going months without anything until fucking adderall. God damn adderall.

I can relate. I was really intelligent prior to adderall with an iq of 140. So much so I was extremely lazy because I could things in a tenth of the time it usually would take. Well I discovered adderall and found out what I could do if I actually worked daily. The difference here is I ended up exploring and abusing MANY other drugs to the point I lost my mind. You seem to be in a relatively really good position compared to mine when I decided to quit. Your dose is significantly lower than a lot of people who abuse it. Also the fact you’re already feeling better after a few days says you could definitely make a good recovery. It took me six months off to feel any kind of improvement. I’m 19 months off and still struggling with the consequences of my actions. I’m aware and separate from my symptoms but that doesn’t make them go away only allows me to understand and function despite. You don’t want to continue to use because things can and will get worse. I’m sure you can do enough to keep your job. You might get questioned or demoted but in a few months I’m sure you’ll be doing significantly better and be back to a normal level of production. I know this isn’t really a feel good story. Just a forewarning. There are plenty of feel good recovery stories on here if you look.

My brain is so broken, I’m so broken. It sucks so bad. I feel permanently fucked. I was using so much other stuff along with the amphetamines during my drug days. I don’t know if I’ll ever find peace or grace. I can’t feel anything but pain. I can’t even fake that I care what people are saying. I just appear as an asshole with no expression but I try so hard to care, to be present, to engage but no matter how hard I try I just can’t. Life is so much harder when you can’t socialize or network or pay attention. It hurts to know I actually felt some relief this past week but I know it’s just a temporary fix. I’m already dependent on a drug for the lasting psychosis I gave myself. Part of me is like eventually I’ll be able to wean off the drug for psychosis and I’ll be clean and the other part is like fuck it I guess I’ll live my life dependent on drugs mine as well add one more. I know deep down my idea of happiness is drug free and homeopathic but part of me knows sometimes things break and they don’t heal, people have lasting sickness and disease and many people do have to depend on drugs to live. I’m just ready to give up or give in. Things just haven’t got any easier. I thought when I got a job and got out in public more I would get use to it and things would get easier but it’s been six months two spent in rehab the rest working and being out in public and every day is just as hard as the last.

Thanks @ladypantz means a lot

I’ve been hesitant to post this because it’s embarassing and doesn’t really matter what I say it doesn’t change anything. I relapsed for the past week. I guess I just want to warn anybody that it doesn’t matter how long you’re clean you have to be diligent and not give in. I now get to face, I’m sure, a nice period of stronger than normal depression.. I was doing so good. I was at nineteen months clean. I’ve been pressured lately to make a move on either going back to school or starting a different job. The stress got to me and I caved. Now I’m going to be in worse shape than I was starting these new obstacles in my life.. Do not relapse people. If you think you want to it’s just you’re mind playing tricks and let it pass. Love you guys, glad I have this community. Don’t let my relapse discourage any of you.

I failed to quit about 15 to 20 times over the course of two years before I finally quit. I’ve also had small relapses. It’s been 19 months since I quit and I relapsed twice for a week during this time.

I tried to quit prolly 15 to 20 times before I did. Towards the end I was using between 150 and 200 mg adderal ir. I’m sure you’ve done some damage but whether or not it’s permanent I don’t know. There’s room for healing when you quit.

I dropped out of school, lost my job, went to rehab and moved back with my dad. It’s what I had to do or I was going to die.

Hey man, I’ve been there and many others have too. This drug is not sustainable. You gotta ween off or quit all together. I know it seems impossible but that’s just our mind playing tricks. We can make it and do enough to survive without it. It’s not easy but it’s what we gotta do. Eventually you’ll be unable to do work even with it and quitting then will be a lot worse. You have to get sleep and eat. Sleeping one of every three days is not good for the mind or body. We’re here to support you. Any other questions just ask.

I’ve been struggling lately.. it’s nice to hear from you long timers

After you’ve been on adderall the modafinal will hardly have any affect. It’s a pretty strong drug but compared to adderall it’s not nearly as strong. Just do your best to be healthy sleep, eat and cut out the amphetamines.

If you continue to use things will get worse. You think you feel bad now just give it a few more years. Eventually you'll be near death unable to do anything even with adderall and you'll be faced with the choice to quite or die. And quitting then is going to be a hell of a lot worse than quitting now so you can take my advice or leave it. Just remember this if you continue down the adderall road you'll look back and wish you would have quit. Me and many others have been in your exact position. I continued to use till I almost died and wish someone would of told me what I'm telling you. Please take on the challenge of quitting. You can do it. Your soul and spirit are strong enough.

I can't seem to find any articles on a recovery time line. Anyone who is 5+ years clean care to elaborate on major mile stones. Such as what year one, two, three and so on were like?

https://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/03/us/concerns-about-adhd-practices-and-amphetamine-addiction.html I am this kid. Luckily after being pushed by psychosis and delusions just like his to the point of suicide I couldn't bare knowing what it would do to my dad and family so I went to rehab and took my antipsychotics and it's saved my life. When you're psychotic it's hard to understand for someone who has never been how real and how much sense your delusions make.