DelaneyJuliette

I have to keep telling myself this over and over.

I said no do doing a phone session with a client today! (It was even asked as a favor by a friend/colleague.) That was a big deal. I felt all the feels... financial insecurity, guilt, etc. etc. And had like an hour and a half of self-talk back and forth after she asked me, lol, but ultimately stuck to my guns. I'm proud of myself!

Well I am very glad that I could make an impact on you too! It's interesting b/c I have a love/hate relationship with sobriety dates. On one hand, they help keep me sober. On the other hand, they make a slip up turn into a big fuck it. I was in AA for those years (I really should figure out how long it actually was... I notice I keep saying different numbers of years, but I honestly don't remember. It was somewhere between 6 and 8 ... oh wait my son is 8... so maybe it was 5 years??) Wow I really have a distorted sense of time in general lol. Anyway, what preciptated the slip was that I convinced myself it wasn't a slip. I legit do have ADD so I convinced myself that it would be fine to take ADD meds as prescribed. And I did. Until I didn't. The 6 years (or 5 years?! LOL) was great. And when I look back, I can remember that I was able to do all of the things off of Adderall that I did on it. But I could never get off of it again for good once I was on it. I absolutely LOVE smart recovery. Def start a meeting if you can! There are no in person smart meetings near me, but I do online ones sometimes. I have a love/hate relationship with 12 steps lol. I don't plan to go back to the program, but I don't dislike it so much anymore either. I know what works from the program and I am implementing that in my own life. Including accountability and connection. I do wish there was an easy way to be around a bunch of other sober people other than 12-steps, but it is what it is. I am also an addiction therapist (among a million other types of therapy i do, not only substance abuse) but that is ironic as well lol. or not actually. b/c no one doing substances is actually unique -- when we're using, we're predictable (including thinking we're unique). I honestly don't mean to sound like I am judging anyone else -- anyone can be however they want to be. I'm only speaking about me and what I've learned. I sometimes get scared that I sound like I am projecting how "other people are" and b/c that has been done to me for so much of my life I am very sensitive to it.

I absolutely love this. I can totally relate!

Guys I SO relate to what you are posting here! I wish we ALL worked together! LOL. I go back to work on Monday (which will be day 8) and it's so crazy how this trigger thing works. Like, this morning I had a better morning with way less anxiety, and I was all set to go do some work and then I listened to a message from a friend/colleague and had a totally unexpected trigger! First, she asked if I could do a phone session with a patient today even though I'm off (I'm a therapist) and it started my head spinning - (My thoughts whirled: Should I take the session? It's good money... no I shouldn't! I'm off this week to get stuff done and I only have 6 more hours of the week left before I am slammed straight into back to back plans. Don't let fear of financial insecurity guide your actions! You are fine without taking this call... But, really, it's only going to be 45 minutes -- btw, she asked me this over an hour ago and I haven't recovered yet -- arghhhh! -- you should just take the call and get it over with and you'll still be able to get plenty done... no you won't -- you KNOW you won't -- and even if it's just 45 minutes you'll feel so upset that you took that time away from yourself and your plan... you know how you could get SO much more done and actually feel interested in talking to the patient today? You could just take a half.... UGH.) Anyway, I am all over the place but I was expecting to be triggered when I go back to work tomorrow; I wasn't expecting to be triggered today like that, and THEN, to make matters harder, this friend has been substance free for like 8 years, and the next message i listened to from her was her confessing to me that she's going to go to a weight loss clinic and be prescribed phentermine b/c she can't lose 25 lbs (and stimulants were her drug of choice and 8 years ago when she relapsed it started with phentermine.) And guess what I felt when I heard her message? (Well, a part of me did feel grateful that she felt safe enough with me that she could share without judgement) BUT THE OTHER PART OF ME FELT JEALOUS!!!! And I immedately started googling phentermine vs. adderall. Omg. And now I've got all kinds of self-justification tapes running through my head... "Well, if she can handle it, then I definitely can" (of course she hasn't even shown whether or not she can, and whether or not she can has nothing to do with me.) "Maybe you jumped a little too hard and fast into all that 'done for good with stimulants' stuff you posted about yesterday." "Maybe all the relief you felt on the board was sort of false, like some of the things you jumped on hard and fast in the 12 steps 8 years ago, that turned out not be exactly accurate..." (This is not reality b/c there is nothing I'm "jumping on" here except other people sharing their experiences and me relating completely and being vulnerable back.) Okay, my head is spinning, but the one thing I DO know is that I won't use any substances today. Because this will pass, and whether or not I get ANYTHING done, I don't need to hop onto that Adderall train for another 5 years. I left my friend a message and told her that I love her and support her no matter what she chooses, but that the one thing I worry about is her trying to get "off" the phentermine. B/c it always starts off so innocently, and it isn't that I couldn't control my use ... i controlled it for years.... until i didn't. And,tolerance is a bitch. So there were years where i was taking so much more than prescribed and snorting it just to feel "normal" like i used to feel when i took it as prescribed. And i started reading ADD magazine forums where people found so much relief once they started stimulants. But, it did occur to me that many of the people's descriptions of how "normal" they felt while on the meds was actually more like their perception of what "everyone else" must feel like to "get so much done." Like one person saidthat normally after an 8 hour day of teaching she goes home b/c she is tired and stressed (which i think is ACTUALLY normal) but on stimulants she was so much more "normal" and was able to finish teaching and then do 3 IEP's and answer all of her emails. And i was like... uh, no, that's actually NOT normal. That's called high on amphetamines. (I know that sounds SO judgmental. I don't mean it to be judgmental - seriously, to each their own - but I just need to find a way to vent my frustration.) If you are living in a world of people pretending to be superhuman and able to get superhuman amounts of work done, than of course you are going to think that THAT is normal and what's up with you is messed up. (I am working to convince myself I don't need meds to be okay and productive in my life.) I know in my heart that this is true, but I also know in my heart that I finally have to change my own definition of "productive" or else it won't work. B/c i really won't be able to keep up with everything. And THAT IS OKAY.

I loved reading your response. I am super anxious again right now but it's really interesting b/c I wasn't a little bit ago. Like, I had these minutes I had to get done for a board of directors meeting that I'm not going to (but I am the secretary) and doing them is the BANE OF MY ADD EXISTANCE!!! So i literally waited until the very last minute and got them done on adrenaline. Which sucked, but was also a good reminder that I CAN do things without adderall... I just have to figure out how to not do it like THAT, but I don't have to figure that out today. Anyway, after getting them done I felt much calmer and regulated, like I was going to be able to tackle one thing at a time on my to do list, but right now I am back to that crazy anxious feeling as I watch the clock and see the time ticking away... only 6 more hours left to "get it all done." omg that is not helpful lol. Okay, one thing at a time. I can use what I did this morning and apply it to the next things on my to do list. I blocked everything else out and said I had to do the minutes. Breathe.

@m34, is there any particular "binaural beat" you like? I had never heard of it before you mentioned it. I am having trouble sleeping and that is something I'm not used to. I keep waking up at like 3am and not being able to go back to sleep. So I finally get to try to get some of the things done that are driving the anxious thoughts and my brain won't let me focus! Argh!! "Rolling anxiety" is the perfect description - like it's rushing through me. Ugh. I feel like I picked the craziest time to try to do this - so many things going on! But I can do this. Today is Day 5. So grateful for the connection and support. I went to my daughters holiday concert at school last night and it was nice. A part of me knows that I will get through all of this. Another part just isn't sure yet just quite HOW...

I'm so incredibly grateful for your honesty and your vulnerability. I 100% completely understand the being too scared to post about it. This site has allowed me to become more and more vulnerable and raw and real, and ultimately, I do know that is one of the components that is integral in this working. That's one of the reasons that it was able to go on for so long - because I never REALLY let anyone in all the way into what I was back doing. A little bit here and there, but not all the way. I can't tell you the number of times I've rushed to work amped up on adderall (often trying to sober up from something else and the adderall "working") just trying to make it on time. And the self-justifications! Oh my goodness! I am remembering that I quit speeding after hearing a sober keynote speaker at a professional convention talk about how she made the decision that she didn't want to live that way anymore (holy crap... that was the same woman whose speech gave me the "aha" that I had a "for real" drinking problem 9ish years ago.) I only drank a handful of times over the 9 years, but... man... I sure did get enough prescriptions for "downers" that my body didn't give a shit if it was alcohol or in pill form. (And neither would the road have cared if I was still driving...) And, I only "really" used the downers to balance out the adderall anyway, so it wasn't like I was abusing them (wtf?! As I type this I am SO aware of my insanity....) Anyway, I really did quit speeding! It was just a decision! But... guess what I didn't quit? Running yellow(ish) lights. I got 3 red light tickets in less than a year. (maybe even like 6 months!) And I got MAD when my husband got mad at me for that!! It was all "justified" in my mind because I wasn't speeding anymore and yellow lights are safe.... (nevermind the person who told me the story about having just taken traffic school and citing some actual statistic of accidents that happen b/c of people who run yellow/red lights and the other light isn't timed right and there's a head on collision -- I literally laughed off his concern and had told him I know there's "a significant delay" between one light turning red and the other turning green.) I'm shaking my head as I type this. Anyway, I was doing ALL of this while texing whole conversations to people. Sometimes I'd even end up totally lost and really late for somewhere (including picking up my kids from something) b/c I'd finally look up and realize that I was lost. Like... in my own town (wow, it's not often I feel so much shame. Yikes... okay but it's not happening right now, and what IS happening is that I am sitting here typing where potentially my words can impact another person. Shame isn't useful, presence is. Okay, breathe.) Wow. I cannot believe how lucky I am. Literally, wtf. I want you to know that you have changed my life. Literally. I know I can only make a choice about my next action right now, but having this conversation has been like the hammer that has nailed this all in. I am so done with all of that. SO DONE. I have to be. Because again, if I go back on this decision now, it is literally me choosing to put whatever bullshit I feel is "urgent" in the moment ahead of my most important everything -- my kids. Whatever "feelings" I "don't feel like tolerating" will literally be me choosing that over them. And if I have written this and posted it, and then I go back on everything I've just said that is 100% authentic and raw and real, and I try to "self-justify" my way out of it, I won't be okay with myself. I know that we can't go back and make things different than they already are right now. But we CAN be causative and make things different going forward. And THAT is what I am choosing right now. I am so grateful.

Reading my email made me feel kinda crazy, though it was definitely a reality check. Time is a big blur on these meds. (or should I say legal drugs, lol.) Just cuz I was no longer doing anything illegal does NOT make me NOT impaired when I taket them, no matter wtf stupid stories I tell myself. I know better. You reaching back out to me though DID make my day. Seriously. I feel like you reaching back out was a sign. I am 37 and a mom of 4. I can't tell you how many times I have told myself that I have to stop b/c I'm going to get into a wreck -- messed up on no sleep for days, benzos, and tons of adderall (but feeling "normal" as I convincing myself that b/c i don't feel messed up, I'm not.) There is NOTHING in the whole world more important to me than my babies. NOTHING. I am seriously sobbing right now as I type this b/c I am so grateful... I can't believe how many dangerous situations I've put us in and have gotten out with completely no actual consequences. I am done with all of that. If I go back on this after reading that article and your message it will literally be CHOOSING "meds" (drugs) over my kids. I absolutely REFUSE to let that happen. Thank you so so so much. I am so grateful. I feel like I was already sure that there was no going back, but your post put that crossroads right up in front of my face and showed me for REAL what the real deal is and what I'm choosing. NO MORE JUSTIFICATIONS! I literally will remember this for the rest of my life. Thank you so much. I literally can't stop crying (happy, resolved tears.) God, this feels like back when I was in a twelve step program 8 years ago. But that's okay and good bc I know this is real. Thank you.

OMG. I can't believe it but I just found my old journal (clearly taking care of all of those things on my to do list that are giving me anxiety, lol) anyway, it was literally in 2016 that I was writing about how badly I wanted to take a week off of work and get off of my meds. I can't believe it took almost 3 years to finally DO IT (and not to mention that I scheduled outpatient surgery on Monday as a way to actually make myself take the week off and have a "reason" to.) But, I am DOING IT. If that's not reason enough to stay stopped, I don't know what is. I will do it this time. I can make this way of life a thing of the past. I can and I will! And I am not doing it alone!!! So grateful for you peeps. (Others do know, but here I can just say everything.)

OMG today is the first day I've SERIOUSLY bargained with myself about using. I just imagined how nice it would be to be able to bang out a bunch of stuff right now and not care, and worry about the consequences later. Omg i want to do that SO BADLY. But, the thing holding me back is that i DO NOT want to go through this withdrawal process again. And I don't want to lie to my husband and my therapist and I'd either have to lie or tell them the truth and obviously I wouldn't want to tell them the truth. But god it is SO tempting. OMG and just like that, PHYSICAL cravings came as a result of my thoughts. Damn this brain is a tricky, tricky thing. I won't do it, but it sure is tempting. Okay, going back to breathing and one thing at a time. There are SO. MANY. THINGS. TO. DO. i am going to focus on chunks. The problem is that even looking at my to do list creates panic. But I literally can't just leave it all. Ugh. Okay, one thing at a time. I don't have to do the whole to do list at once. I can only do one thing at a time.

Omg thank you so much. I know this of course, but hearing it from someone other than myself is so so so helpful. (Isn't that interesting? I'm a therapist and I often wonder what it is I have to say that helps people... and then I'm the one who needs help and it is so helpful to remember how much I need other people, not just my own head - it's co-regulating to know that I'm not alone in this.) Breathe in.... Breathe out. Right now, I am going to go put in an order for my daughter's birthday cake. Then return a couple of things. That's it. Wow, my mind went SO fast about how few hours there will be when I get back and how many things I have left to do for work today on my "day off." Going to put in an order for cake. That is all.

Will this anxiety ever go away?! I know that's not a useful thing to focus on. But it's SO overwhelming. Too many things to do and not enough time in which to do them. Ugh. Breathe. One thing at a time. Today is Day 4.

I already cleared it for this week - took the whole week off. Next week is the last week before 2 weeks of holiday break. I am making excuses but I wouldn't even know who to cancel or how to determine who to cancel. Plus, I really need to look at my bigger picture calendar. I am only actually "in" the office 3 days a week, but I have those days scheduled really long. I really feel like I need my 2 days where I get other stuff done, but Idk. I'm not going to worry about it right now b/c it's super overwhelming to try to figure out LOL!!

I did have 6 years or so completely substance free and this was my experience also! It's so interesting how easy it is for me to forget this now. It's so interesting how the past 5 or so years I slowly made my way back into THE EXACT SAME STATE i was in before I went ASF (abusive substance free) , only before it was with Ritalin and alcohol and this time it was with Adderall and Benzos. So funny how much I wasn't willing to acknowledge that before. But it's SO TRUE. I have to remember that every single day helps. AND recognize that I do have anxiety and that isn't likely to go away anytime soon but I can manage it. And be okay.

1. It was so refreshing to read that in your post; I have done that before. 2. I hope that I feel that way too after 2 months. I have a tough couple of days coming up next week where I am WAY over-scheduled. I am scared it's going to be a big trigger but I will make it through.

One problem is that I am having a really hard time knowing what to prioritize b/c it feels like everything is urgent.

My therapist and my husband. I have a friend who knows I'm getting off meds, but not all the specifics. I have another friend I could tell and maybe should...

OMG i am SO overwhelmed. Today is Day 3 and I just want to cry. I am starting to see just how insanely unrealistic my expectations of myself are off Adderall, but I still don't really know what to do about it. I own my own business, work full time and am a mom of 4. I know I need to cut myself some slack but my anxiety is through the roof. I keep reminding myself that I am not superwoman (everyone calls me that, lol, and I've always had a crazy amount of energy even off Adderall.) 3 days off everything fully (and weeks/months of trying to taper only to unsuccessfully binge again) I finally am willing to see how Adderall has actually made things harder for me even though it has FELT like it made things easier. I only know 2 modes on Adderall - 150% full force, or off. That is not realistic. It is what keeps me trapped. When amped up, I over-commit, then when down, I feel the need to just turn everything off and sleep. What self-care? This has to stop and it is. BUT, little things overwhelm me SO MUCH and without the Adderall to move past the feelings quickly, I get stuck in my OCDish traits. For example, I can't even figure out how to best follow this forum! (i know there is no "best" but it overwhelms me.) Do I start a new post each time I want to say something? Do I randomly post on other people's things I've been reading? Do I keep posting on this forum so that I can keep track of the conversation? Wow, I sound like I am on Adderall right now trying to "get it all right" but really this is just anxiety and I also know that it doesn't matter at all. There is just so much to do and not enough time! UGH! Okay, breathe. I can do this. One thing at a time. Breathe. There is no way I can possibly do all the things I feel like I need to do today, and that is okay. I will be cleaning up "adderall messes" for awhile and that's okay. (Meaning, things I started and couldn't finish; things I bought and never took back, etc.) It's okay, breathe. Thanks everyone just for being here. It helps SO MUCH to know that I'm not alone.

I am!!! Today is Day 3! Thank you for checking on me!

Okay, here we go! It's my first official day 1! (Again, lol, but this time I mean it.) I have a minor outpatient surgery this morning and I took the rest of the week off. I feel pretty much prepared to stop (at least physically), as I have been decreasing dosage over the last 6 days after my last adderall/benzo fueled 4-day bender last week. Yesterday I only had 5mg of Adderall and 5mg of Klonapin. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster the past week - withdrawal sucks! I'm hopeful it won't be so bad now that I've spent a week taking less and less. I do have a ton of anxiety though, but I am committed. I will be accountable too! I'll check back in later! I'm grateful for the support and it helps just knowing others get it and I'm not alone!

So glad to have this site!!

I literally just emailed your quote to myself: I have a tendency lately to forget that I am in recovery...a tendency instead to get into this head/heart space of, "What's WRONG with me???" and when I can remember, "OH RIGHT!! DUHHHH - I recently quit an amphetamine addiction cold turkey!!!" I am better able to be kinder and gentler with myself and set some reasonable goals for my day. I am having brain zaps and feeling crazy. Mood swings all over the place and I can't get anything done. Going from crazy high anxiety to exhausted and apathetic. Foggy. Can't wait to get through this. There is another side to get to, I will keep telling myself. I know it to be true, but damn I want to get there NOW.

Yes, it is very hard to be honest with myself. Man I am good at self-justification. But the reality is that I ALWAYS go overboard eventually... I think it really is time to stop. Monday will be day 1.

I just donated! I hope it worked!