DelaneyJuliette

How long do you have now? I absolutely hate that I can't directly answer the question, "Do you really want to quit?" I want to really want to quit. But what I really want is to use the medication how it was intended for me to use and get that benefit. What is it going to take for me to recognize that isn't possible. Is it possible? AAHHH!!! I could answer the question absolutely YES last year and I did quit, but since starting again there are so many benefits and I don't know how to make my life be sustainable without it. Or maybe I'm not willing to make my life be sustainable without it? Ugh. But thank you, I was feeling shame coming back to read these comments and you really made me feel better with the quote, "being aware of current habits that are hurting your life = progress." It IS true that i have made a whole lot of progress. And it is ALSO true that i am not yet where i want to be. I wish there was a program I could latch onto like AA. Sigh. I don't know, that worked before for me for alcohol. I know there is no magic bullet.

I couldn't relate more. Stupid built in forgetter and rationalizer and justification-creator.

I'd still be open to starting a meeting! A couple of us have been talking but we do not have a formal open meeting that is always held at a certain time that anyone can attend from here like an AA meeting would be.

Totally I do but I am too tired lol.

Starting from NOW, I will not take more than prescribed in one day. (Total of 40mg of Adderall and 2mg of Klonapin.) Starting from NOW, I will begin to taper very very very slowly. (I know why it's not recommended, but again it is all I've got right now and if I don't do that than I won't do anything so I am going to try committing to that. It has worked for me in the past. I just have to be intentional.) Starting from NOW, I will write out a calendar with a realistic taper schedule. I will follow it. If I do not follow it, meaning, if by December I am still in the same place that I am in now, I will go to detox. I can't even believe I just wrote that out loud lol. I don't know how I am going to do this. I am scared. I am ambivalent. I don't want to try. I need to keep remembering the why behind the need to quit. B/c right now it just feels like ... annoying that I'm super tired but that's about it. I KNOW that is not the case - I have been trapped in the adderall world for the past 9 years. (And before that for about 4... but then I did have a period of sobriety for a handful of years and it was really really good.) I want to get back there. So, I need to quit b/c I am trapped. And I don't want to be trapped. And even though getting off the meds makes me a crazy emotional mess, I am lying to myself if I don't admit that being on them also makes me that way. I need to do this for myself, for my health, for my kids. I need to be the role model I want to be, even if they don't know the details. One day, I want to be able to talk to them about this as a thing of the past, not a thing I am still hiding. I can do this.

Lostmymind, I relate and am proud of you for the time u have! I have been on zoloft forever (anti-anxiety anti-depressant SSRI) and a couple of months ago I asked my doc for a script for Wellbutrin b/c I was going to quit adderall. (I didn't tell him that second part.) I think the wellbutrin helps me but I wouldn't really know b/c I would have to be honestly trying to do things differently with my adderall and I'm not. Okay, let me re-frame that. I have actually stopped snorting it and that is amazing and I need to give myself credit for that. It's a big deal and I feel ashamed to talk about it. So I'm not doing that anymore. But I am still stuck in a cycle of grabbing a pill bottle every time I feel (which is all the fucking time) and I want to stop that! And of course... in 6 hours I have to be in a family photo shoot with all of my kids dressed etc. etc. I say that b/c I was just about to type the infamous words... starting tomorrow... but there is never a good tomorrow. Okay, I am committing. I am going to make a new post about it so that I can come back to it and see if I am sticking to it. Part of the problem though is that I still haven't fully made up my mind that I want my life with NO MEDICATION. So that ambivalence screws me over every time! Before when I quit (I had 2 months last december) I had finally gotten done with the ambivalence and I didn't want it anymore. But now I keep thinking like... well is it really that bad that I need to not be on meds EVER? AND i am not going to think about that right now. I can not know that answer (even though i do know the answer in my heart) and still take it one day at a time and taper. (I know tapering is harder, but it worked for me once and it's all I'm willing to do right now b/c it's all i barely feel able to do right now and so I'm going with that b/c that is better than not doing anything.)

It feels good to be not alone.

I remember feeling this way when I was sober like 10 years ago. I would sit on my back porch and drink coffee and watch a lizard. I named him Rasputin. He was there every morning with his big orange neck that would come out each time he breathed. (I live in FL so that is not weird lol.) I really remember how beautiful it was to just be. Now, that was before kids, so I tell myself that even if I were off meds I wouldn't have that time. But that is not true. I still have moments when I am moved to tears by beautiful things... I just am moving constantly at breakneck speed. So... thank you for this reminder. I needed to read this.

I too, feel like i have dug a hole I can't get out of. 4 kids, own my own business, bought a house and am in the middle of renovating it. Changed my kids after school schedules so I pick them up twice a week from school and take them to a new gymnastics place, where I get to work out too. It's actully awesome b/c i get to spend more time with them which is my highest value... but... that means I am leaving to get them at 2pm instead of 6pm 2 days a week. I keep taking stuff away and then accidetnally adding more in. The good news is that the stuff I'm adding in is in alignment with my values for real. (i.e. I left a role of being secretary on a board of directors, I stopped signing up for trainings, I am not taking new patients at work.) But now I have committed to this thing with my kids, to exercising, and to this house, and all I want to do is sleep forever and not feel and I haven't even started tapering or quit yet. But man do thoughts have power. I need ... ehem... I mean I WANT to focus on reframing my thoughts. I will start with the accountability of visiting this board more frequently b/c it is a small but tangible step. I will also get at least 6 hours of sleep every night starting tomorrow, with the goal being to get 8. That will help. I do need to figure out what to tell myself when I get rebellious at work (it's just me) and I tell myself that I don't care...) Oh right I printed out calendars. I also commit to coming up with a realistic taper plan that if I don't follow (generally, not perfectly) than I will seriously visit the idea of detox. That scares the shit out of me.

Well... I am 38 with a husband and 4 kids and a standard of living that is costly. Which is why I am so f-ing ambivalent. I just added exercise into my schedule regularly but I'm scared that with decreasing/stopping I won't have any energy to do that. I think I need to also take one thing at a time. I am dreading this more than is beneficial to be dreading it. Just stay in the moment. I know the energy comes back; I had sobriety many years before now and it did, so why would this time be different. And I dont know what I did below when I tried to quote what u said - somehow I have 3 quote boxes. Sorry about that. I also feel like I run out of energy to check the forum as soon as I start to get so tired. That isn't a good idea either.

I relate so much #slowdown123. I'm having so much trouble with the motivation to not be on meds. I agree with you sleepstupid, b/c for me it is 100% that deep down I know it isn't the right decision but I don't feel like I have the strength to do what I need to do in life and also stop. I tell myself that I cannot tolerate acute lethargy for 5 to 12 months. Is that true? Who knows. It feels true. It is so frustrating. I mean, the good news is that I am doing better, I am changing, I am recognizing that this isn't a sudden one day all or nothing decision, and I keep coming back. So it's better than it was. AND... it's 4:15am and I just spent the past 4 hours researching children's loft beds for the house I'm going to move into in November. That is INSANE. So there's that. It's the whole, "everything is important" on this medication.... and I STILL procrastinate the stuff that is actually important (like stuff for work) but spend crazy time on the other stuff. How do I get unstuck?! Recently I have had the thought, maybe I am just someone who is better functioning with medication for now. (And your post is spot on. The fact that I say for now means that I don't really believe that I am a person who is better functioning on these meds... it means that I don't feel like I have it within me to face life during the comedown. I feel enough up and downs as it is, and I feel more existential angst than I care to experience. Off meds that stuff is going to be 100x worse. I justify it by telling myself that my family is better off if they don't have to go through me going through that. I fantasize about taking time off and detoxing from all of this stuff. Well why don't I do that then? Shame and fear. Shame b/c I don't want to admit how much it would help, shame and fear about keeping it secret from everyone except my husband... fear of shame from him, fear of what I would tell my kids and then how they would handle that... fear that it is too quick of a "come off" and I'd end up relapsing after. I convince myself that I can taper down myself... b/c I did that successfully before. But... But... I keep not making a solid plan with accountability that I stick to. B/c when it's not 4am and I'm miserable it's like I don't care. I honestly feel like I'd RATHER go through life this way than feel all the icky and awful. But I know that is temporary. I mean, I know all life has icky stuff but I have had years of sobriety in the past. Why can't I get motivated enough to care enough to do this? I just don't want to feel. Ugh. The good news is that I haven't snorted it in over a month (and before that I slipped two days but had 40 days prior to that.) So I feel stupid saying I'm proud of myself for that but I am. It has been hard, b/c my tolerance is so high that is often the only way I can feel it. But, a problem I have noticed now is that I haven't let myself think about a taper plan until I got far enough away from the snorting it that I was stable from that. And I think that has been a good plan. But... now it's that time. I had this thought a month ago and I slipped. And spent another month getting stable from it. I will not slip this time, but I am acutely aware that I can't keep using that as a justification b/c it isn't going to keep working. Maybe I can make an agreement that if I DON'T taper, I will go to detox. That would be some damn good motivation to stick it out b/c I really don't want to do that. But... but... do I care enough to put this plan in place? UGH. I hate ambivalence! I hate contemplation. Thank you all for being here.

I'm in the same exact boat as you. Except mine is not 2 to 3 times a month, it is much more frequent. I have 4 kids. I'm at the point where I don't spend the 2 days in bed b/c I just "can't" so I just take more and more... and obviously this has to end. I have to quit. My older ones know that I "take my medicine" and this is not the role model I want to be for them.

I feel like at one point in time I would get an email when someone responded to something I posted here. (Perhaps that never happened and I am mis-remembering.) Either way, I don't get any emails and I soooo wish I did. It feels so good to know that someone responded and it is a reminder to keep coming back and posting here. Let me know if this is an option and I just inadvertently turned off that setting. (I can't find it anywhere!) See, case in point -- when will i remember to come back to the forum and search for this post and see if I got any responses? Lol!!

i know it's 4 years later... but it looks like chat isn't working again?

I like my job but I am overcommitted and I don't know how to decrease it right now. And it's not sustainable without adderall. I keep trying but it's too much. So then I give in to the adderall. Ugh.

could not relate to all of this more. stuck in the vicious cycle.

We are in the process of setting up a zoom meeting - more details to come when we figure it out.

I have this struggle regularly

I love NVC. I live by it.

Okay this is awesome! We have 6 of us who are interested in doing zoom meetings! Now we just need to brainstorm the best way to set this up. Should we DM phone numbers/emails and then start an email thread where we choose a day and time? We could solidify things there like the structure, etc. If anyone has a better idea than starting an email list, let me know! I'm down, though... I mean... if I really want to beat this thing, I gotta trust a program. In AA or NA, you see people there and we just go on the honor principle that who you see here what you hear here let it stay here. So, I'm down for just trusting that process with a small group of you guys meeting on zoom as well. DM me your number or email and we'll get started!

I could not relate more. I stopped checking it regularly and I want to get back to that.

Oh my goodness! I was feeling a bit vulnerable when no one had responded, (which is TOTALLY okay) but I just logged on and saw your response! (For some reason new responses don't consistently pop up in my email.) So I am definitely interested... sleepysober.... you may be the only one who has said they definitely want to! Should we go forward anyway? What format do we want? Do we want to agree on a day and time? We could always try it and have a meeting to iron out the details with those who are interested...

This is very inspiring to read. Thank you. I know it will happen for me. I've been there. I just have to get back there again.

By "a letter to AA GSO" that would be to the general service office of alcoholics anonymous which could be a first step in getting a new 12 step fellowship for adderall officially formed. However, I'd need to do some research, b/c I don't actually know that all the other "A" groups have gone through AA... like, I think CA and SA etc. formed on their own and formed ultimately their own main offices. But I'm just going from memory, I could be wrong. Anyway, I'm not opposed to going the official route as Sleepy was mentioning (whatever the official route turns out to be) but I am also interested in forming a tribe faster than I believe a formal organization could form. We could follow the literature of NA (or another program) if we wanted but just know that we are all in the same boat. Just thoughts.

Wow, this This is exactly what I was posting when I posted the thread "I wish for more connection" the other day! I felt embarrassed after I posted it b/c since only one person responded about trying 12 steps (thanks LuLamb!!) I told myself the story that no one really seemed to share the sentiment (which I realize that you articulated much more articulately!) I too have been to AA, NA, OA, ACA, Al-Anon, EA, EDA, and CODA. I was sober in AA for 8 years. But I am also jealous b/c alcohol isn't my thing. My thing has always been adderall. When I said I wish for more connection, I meant that I wanted to be able to talk directly about the actual stuff I'm dealing with instead of talking around it like you mentioned so as to not disrupt their singleness of purpose. I've tried Smart Recovery which I like, but there are no local meetings for me. I recently found a group I've been participating in via zoom called Recovery Dharma that I've been really enjoying - it is comprised of people from all different programs who come together. It is buddhist based but you don't have to be buddhist. (It's a breakoff from Refuge Recovery.) I am unaware of any actual Adderalics Anonymous meetings - LuLamb I thought u were joking before when you mentioned that. However, right before I read this post, I actually made a new post in the "Location" tab where I put "Zoom Meeting" because I wanted to gauge interest in whether or not anyone was interested in meeting up via zoom. I have formed a small book study with the Dharma Recovery group and it's very powerful (but again, no one is talking about the actual same issue as me.) I am up for a letter to AA GSO, but I feel like that is a more long term endeavor... I'm wondering if anyone wants to make that connection happen now, perhaps as we pursue that route (or not.) We could do a zoom meeting and pick a text to follow. Like... it could be 12 step based or not. I am an addiction therapist so i have a gazillion really great books on different themes and topics that could be good to go through together... I'd be open to so many things... I'd just love the ability to talk out loud to people struggling with this same actual issue. I feel a bit vulnerable putting this out there (perhaps it is the anonymonity of this forum that draws most people to it and a zoom meeting would feel too invasive...) I don't know, I just long for some structure of a program focused on my actual drug of choice and I feel like we could do it formally, yet "unofficially" in the begginning. (Unofficially meaning not through AA's General Service Office.) I'm rambling. Done.