DelaneyJuliette

@eric thank you SO much for thinking about me!! That literally made my day!! I am doing well!! I am on Day 9. I decided to start my day count over 9 days ago. I had a terrible cold a couple of weekends ago while on a trip with my daughter and I didn't have any cold meds (and I had to drive 5 hours) but I did have some old Ritalin in my purse so I took that to get me through. It worked, and interestingly I didn't feel anything other than awake, but I'm super proud of myself for recognizing the pattern early. Even though at the time I didn't feel anything other than awake, looking back, I am totally able to see how it changed my perspective on things. I ended up buying so much more than I needed to or would have if I hadn't been on it, and I also waaaay over-scheduled us b/c I was ready to just keep going and going.... (even though I was so sick!!) I sure paid for that on Monday and had to take most of the week off work b/c the cold got so bad. No more of that for me! I've been dealing with a TON of anxiety since then but it's getting a little better. I still am so overwhelmed at all of the things I "need to get done" and "don't have time to do" but I also realize that I wouldn't have "more time" on adderall, even though it felt like it. I so relate to what you are talking about re: waking up at 4:30am and not falling back to sleep! On monday i woke up at 3:30am and couldn't fall back to sleep, and come 8pm I was a ZOMBIE and I couldn't figure out why I felt so bad! It reminds me of a post someone made on here before where they said something like, "I keep finding myself asking, 'What's wrong with me?!' and then I remember 'OMG i just quit an amphetamine addiction cold turkey a couple of months ago!'" That sticks with me so much and I keep reminding myself of that. I feel better now too. U rock.

Wanna know something funny? I actually have this book. Of course I have never picked it up, but I ordered it once in one of my anxiety frenzies of trying to "do all the things" and "get all the things in order." OMG i am so overwhelmed right now. I have been up since 4am with my mind racing with anxiety. That's almost 3 hours. I got up so I wouldn't keep laying there spinning thinking that I would get things done and I haven't gotten anything done and it's about to be time to get my kids ready for school. I started watching this video and then I can't decide if THAT is the best use of my time. Will this stop?! I know it will and it can. Breathe.

Thank you for that @m34, it so so so so helps knowing that other people are going through the same thing. How do you listen to Mel Robbins - is there a link? I think that's probably a silly question but I haven't heard of her and I don't really know how to listen to podcasts LOL. I am only 37 but it is one of the technology things that overwhelms me! I do have spotify so maybe through that... anyway, i still haven't started the letter from Thursday. Lol, I will be accountable about it on here.

This is so interesting to me that it isn't just me! Lol! I "feel" like I can't get ahold of budgeting without adderall, but actually when I am on it I spend SO MUCH MORE money than I do when I'm not!

Okay so I know it's only Day 6 for me (I keep feeling like I need to explain for those who don't know that I had 27 days, then 3 day lapse, then 2 weeks, then 4 day lapse.) Not needing to explain in order to "qualify" my clean time, but rather b/c to clarify that this Day 6 feels a world different than the first Day 6. The first Day 6 was still AWFUL. This time I am much much much better, but I think b/c of that I am still being a bit too hard on myself. Here's my dilemma -- I own my own business and so I have work I have to do outside of "work hours." (Granted, I am now seeing that I probably need to find a way to schedule that work INTO work hours in the future, but that's not right now.) Anyway, I have never been good at doing things at night b/c I get really tired so I just go to bed. (I used to be able to "get it done" with Adderall though... except of course when that resulted in me staying up all night and still not finishing it, lol.) So for example, I absolutely HAVE to write this letter for a client. It will probably take about an hour. I couldn't bring myself to do it yesterday. I couldn't get started. So I got a babysitter and made plans to do it last night. I was too tired. (Or at least I told myself I was.) I came home early and went to bed at like 9pm and got up at 4:30am in order to do it. (Which has worked in the past.) Well, fast forward to 7:08am and I still haven't started and now it's time to get the kids up and everyone off to school before my first appointment at 8:30am. And I am booked back to back until 8:15pm. UGH. I think this is just part of a larger ADD issue I really do have, but it feels exacerbated off the meds. I'm not going to take meds to deal with it, but I just wanted to share my frustration. B/c the procrastinating is making me more anxious and filled with dread (and honestly I am procrastinating b/c I am scared of it and I don't exactly know how to do the letter or what I am supposed to say so it feels really overwhelming...) Okay... well I'm going to give up on it for right now and aim to do it tonight at 8:15. And if that is just not realistic, than I will again go to bed early and wake up early in the morning again tomorrow to do it. I have to have it in tomorrow afternoon. But it's okay. One thing at a time. I can do this. Breathe.

Good morning Day 6! I am making it a habit to check this forum once a day; morning seems to work best for me. I am anxious in the mornings largely b/c there is SO MUCH TO DO and I can't get myself to do it! But, life goes on and I get it done somehow. Or I don't. I would like to add back in reading for fun or even watching tv. But it's only day 6, so it's okay to just be where I am.

I relate to this SOOOOO MUCH!!!! Everything took forever even though I told myself I was being "more productive"! Now I just can't seem to get started on the "thing." It's very frustrating. I know it would take a lot less time than before if I actually focused and did it, but I can't seem to get started. Grrr...

Hi!! I totally relate to this post (even though I'm at day 5 right now, I had 6 years substance free at one point) and I was going to respond and then I realized that you wrote this in 2018!! So I'm just wondering if you have any update! How are you doing?! I have worked with several ADHD coaches and found them all to be helpful in different ways. I'm still in the process of creating systems to be most effective, but I went back down the rabbit hole with Adderall and ended up stalling out on all the systems I had begun to effectively put in place 2.5 years ago. It's okay though, I know I will slowly and steadily make progress. Hope you are well!

Anxious

THANK YOU!!

I do relate to your post Smhjen. I am like that too a lot of the time. I fill my time up with lots of things that stimulate me, and sometimes I can see it as a fun way my mind works. Like, I get to learn about lots of things! I make a list of all the things I want to look up, etc., so when I'm watching the tv show and get bored, I can google the thing I had found interesting (maybe it's just a song I want to know the lyrics to!) and then I never feel like I'm wasting time b/c I'm constantly doing things I'm interested in. However, I have also found it beneficial to do yoga, because it has helped my mind learn how to be calm and still sometimes (like little brief moments in the week, LOL!) I started with hot yoga b/c that was the only type that was physically challenging enough that could actually get me to concentrate on what I was doing without my mind wandering everywhere (as much.) I have no idea if what I do will be helpful for you, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. And in the meantime, embrace your superpower! (P.S. I also figured out that stopping drinking helped in the long run. I like Annie Grace's book Naked Mind and her website.)

Eric, thank you so much for reaching out. It literally made my day to get your message. I feel a bit silly writing this, but sometimes when I post here and no one responds I feel lonely. Rationally I know that it doesn't mean that people aren't here, supporting me, going through similar things, but emotionally I still feel it sometimes, lol. Today is day 5 and right now I'm really anxious. I tend to feel really anxious in the mornings. I'm just super overwhelmed with too much to do. I have to keep telling myself that it's okay. Just one thing at a time.

I said I was going to try to post every day here so, here goes. Today is day 4. (Reminder, I had 27 days, then 3 day lapse, then 2 weeks, then 4 day lapse.) Anyway, I have a lot of anxiety right now, but I am okay. This time it's sticking. I know where I went wrong before and I'm taking steps to make it be different. Hope everyone has a great day.

Something I did without Adderall is make a hard phone call to someone who I felt intimidated by!

You're completely right, and I need to come up with a solution. Alcohol isn't an issue b/c I stopped drinking years ago (except for that margarita, lol.) The problem is that my husband has scripts for all of those things. He doesn't take them addictively like I do though. He knows what I am doing, except he doesn't know about this most recent lapse. I think I need to buy a lock box and put any meds he has in there and have it be a passcode that only he knows so that I don't have any option to have access to them. To my pleasant surprise, today was not hard like I expected it to be. I am so grateful that I just had that "done" feeling again after sleeping for an hour. However, I can already feel myself starting to convince myself why I would benefit from taking something to sleep. Ahhhh! Wow I really have issues. I was fine all day until just now and I'm like... it's the end of the day, I'm going to bed soon... OMG i am so ashamed. I just took a klonapin. (I am only ashamed b/c I am telling on myself, not because I did it.) Don't know why I felt the need to share that but it felt relevant. I did it b/c I didn't like feeling that craving (I know how to ride it out) and I justified to myself that this really is my last one so it's okay. OMG the self justification and rationalization and lies to myself are unreal! Okay I am not waiting until I buy a lock box. I am going to get all the meds tonight and have my husband take them to work with him tomorrow. I don't think I'll be tempted tomorrow, but I'm not messing around with this shit anymore.

Man oh man i can 100% relate. I was so proud of myself - almost 30 days sober from the main culprits - adderall and tomazepam - (but i also wasn't taking my occasional klonapin or opioid either. The first 2 weeks were literal hell. I was finally starting to feel really really good. Then I went home over Christmas and all was well... I went to lunch with an old friend who ordered a margarita and I wanted to have one too. So I did. (And I actually know drinking isn't my problem.) But what happened is that I didn't like the way I felt but it lit up that seeking system and all I wanted was to go back to feeling how I used to feel. So I went home and took a bunch of adderall and temazepam, etc. I am really embarrassed bc I barely remember anything and I know some people were really worried about me... So, I had a 3 day lapse over xmas. then I got back on the band wagon and have been 17 days sober, and really feeling balanced. The anxiety has been subsiding and I am seeing how I don't need adderall. then Tuesday at work, idk what the fuck i was thinking but I just wanted to "feel differently." I had a client I didn't feel like talking to and she's easier to deal with when I don't care about anything, so i searched the drawers and found some old tramadol. Took those, and then immediately took adderall and klonapin. so of course i just let that bleed over into Wednesday and now I'm fucking up all night and don't want to go to work tomorrow, Thursday. I might actually not go. But it's so insideous b/c i really really really thought i was done! ugh!!!! okay, so what i have learned is that i need to be accountable on here. I am going to start posting every day. Like it's just a thing to do. B/c now that I'm back close to it again, I feel myself waivering about whether i should take it tomorrow (today) or not. I WILL NOT. I am supposed to get up in an hour. I really feel like taking my meetings by phone and skype today and not going in. I am going to choose that. BUT i have to recognize that i can do this one hour at a time. I have to go back to that place i was before where i remember that i am overcoming a major addiction so i cannot be too hard on myself or bite off more than i can chew. Breathe. I can do this.

I relate to this so much. I'll post a bigger post elsewhere, but shortcut - I was 27 days sober - 3 day lapse over xmas - then 17 days sober, then Tuesday, idk what the fuck i was thinking, so of course i just let that bleed over into today. Anyway, how i relate is that i spent 3 hours picking out my son's friend's bday present on etsy. What the literal fuck. My kids didn't get to bed until midight because of this ridiculousness.

Ha! I had read your post before but this line didn't sink in before. I love "adderall induced OCD behaviors" -- that is EXACTLY what I did. I thought I was just "getting stuff done" but I didn't realize that I was taking on stuff I never would have taken on off of the adderall!

I made it to NC without using!

Still packing...

My husband takes it per his prescription (he doesn't misuse it or over use it) so thats why I still "have it." I haven't packed yet. I feel totally paralyzed. I know it will all be okay though and having made it through last night I am not going to take any now. Ugh, man though, i wish i could push a magic button and be packed.

Okay, I made it through! That was seriously the closest call I've had so far. I kept telling myself that 5mg wouldn't be a problem. That the reason it had gotten so bad was b/c I was comining the benzos and adderall. That I am legitimately prescribed it. That it has been enough time so that I would actually feel 5mg again and I wouldn't have to take more. That I would only take it to help me pack and then it would wear off and I would go to bed. In those moments it felt inevitable that I would return to taking Adderall again at some point, in some small irregular amount, so I kept hearing myself justify, "why not tonight then? it would make things so. much. easier." BUT I DIDN'T. I am so grateful that I didn't. I didn't pack. I just hung out with my kids and went to bed. (And OMG, my daughter learned to ride her bike without training wheels in that time, even though I didn't pack!) I feel bad b/c the kids are going to be disappointed that we didn't leave in the middle of the night (and I have no idea what time we will actually be able to make it out of the house today - I still feel overwhelmed with all the tasks ahead of me) BUT what I know is that i just weathered another huge trigger. I just made another milestone. I can do this. And, maybe I borrow from AA for a moment and tell myself that I just am not going to do it today. I can borrow from the sober curious movement and tell myself that I'm doing an experiment where I go without any ADD meds for a year. Just a year, and then I can re-evaluate. (I think that will help me get through the self-justification talk that "it's not like I'm going to go the rest of my LIFE without ever taking it again, so why not now?" (and fyi, i commit that i won't go a full year and decide to take it again without posting here first.) actually i wonder if i can commit to myself that before taking it ever i post here first. That's an interesting thought. I feel like if i get back into that "i'm def going to do it" space, telling this forum first will NOT be pleasant. I want to commit to that.

I'm on Day 11. I just want to cry. I'm still supposed to pack up me and 4 kids and leave to have my husband drive 16 hours to visit my parents for the holidays. We were supposed to leave at 4:30pm today and I still haven't started packing and it's 7:30pm. I don't know what is wrong with me. (Oh yeah... as someone posted a week or so ago... I guess I keep forgetting that I just kicked a 10 year adderall addiction cold turkey.) My husband is in a super bad mood b/c he is overtired and when he gets like this he takes it out on me. I am so angry at him b/c all I want is his support and I know that is not a place I can get support right now. Okay, I can do this. I can do this.

HEY!!! I'm here!!! Today is Day 11. Oh my goodness this has been the craziest 7 days since I last posted. On Saturday I tried to take a Gabapentin to help with the anxiety and it totally put me into this super weird zoned out space and I felt like I was totally on something. I didn't like it but it totally made me want to say F it and use. I didn't. I had a lock in for my daughter's bday and I stayed up til 3am with a bunch of 7-11 year olds. I couldn't sleep and only got about 30 min of sleep but I made it through. Then I made it through the next day feeling sick and icky. Then I made it through the busiest week at work and was actually way less triggered than I thought I would be. I was so anxious I was running on fumes, and in a weird way that was helpful b/c I was expecting to be in that exhausted, groggy, can't think space. I still couldn't think clearly but at least I had energy lol. Several days I woke up at 3am unable to go back to sleep. Interestingly, today has been the hardest day I have had so far as far as urges go. We were supposed to leave to drive 16 hours over the night tonight to get to my parents house for the holidays. (I'm not driving; my husband is.) I literally almost took a 5mg pill a few minutes ago. I didn't; I came on here instead. I've been meaning to sign on here a bunch of times and post, but I just haven't. I will commit to doing it more often, b/c even just now, after posting, I'm sure again that I'm not going to do it. And then I just spent 15 minutes mindlessly scrolling through the internet and now I'm having another huge craving. It's because again I have too much that I need to do in too little time. But it's not worth it. I find myself telling myself that there is NO WAY i am going to abuse it; i am only going to take 5mg so I can get this stuff done. All I need to do is pack and get in the car. There's already NO WAY to leave tonight and honestly no way to realistically leave tomorrow morning. FUCK. I'm so frustrated!!! UGH. Okay, this doesn't really matter. What does matter is all of the stuff i have posted about before. My kids, my health, my life, etc. I can do this. I won't give in. I'll check back on here and stay accountable; I promise. Honestly one main reason that I haven't given in is this forum. (Also, I do NOT want to go through that withdrawal again!!! I am still in the withdrawal -- which is so crazy to me -- how is something with such a short half life still fucking me up 11 days later?!?! Oh, maybe b/c I used it for 8 years and badly abused it for ab 5 of those years...?) But it's not as bad as it was 9 days ago so that's a relief.

Important for me to remember. I KNOW this, but I need to say it over and over and over to myself. Today is day 6! I'm really doing it!