DelaneyJuliette

I've been having great success with using zoom for other meetings during COVID, and since there doesn't happen to be anyone in my local area anyway, I had the idea that maybe one or two or a few of you would be interested in meeting up via zoom. Let me know if there's any interest!

I love this. I want so desperately to simplify my life. But... i love learning, i have a fear of missing out, i have trouble making decisions and I have difficulty saying no.

Thanks for this. I was in AA for 8 years and just got kinda burnt out. I recently joined Recovery Dharma and have been liking that a lot. I did a zoom NA the other day and that was good. I appreciate the connection.

I want to watch that. I "know" all of those things but I need to be reminded. I googled "NOVA documentary addiction" but I came up with more than one thing. Would you be able to tell me which specific one you watched? Is it just through youtube? I see that through amazon prime (which I have) I can get "NOVA: Addiction - Season 1" Is that it? 53 min long?

Yes. Day 2 of it locked up.

I wish for more connection specifically with dealing with quitting adderall... I love this forum... I wish it had meetings or something attached to it. I go to other meetings but there is something that feels so calming about being with other people who are in the same boat. Just saying. I am struggling.

So, I am having my true journey in baby steps. I have come to recognize (duh) but everytime I take a temazpem (to chill out and not fee so anxious, that will eneviablley lead to me snorting adderall. So my first commitment, that I am making publicly, with my therapist, and out loud in a small support group. So tonight was a big deal. i shared ky smaill bookie study and have accountability. We shall see.

I was hit hard today by PAWS too... but I gave in. I was so close to not to, but for some reason... I wasn't able to make my intention strong enough to overcome my self-destructive tendencies. I am frustrated, but posting on here, so that is a positive.

This.

wow... i am in private practice and have been coming into the office to do the telehealth b/c i have 4 kids at home, but i have been having fantasies of not seeing people in person again. i need to really think about how i want to handle the transition back... i just keep not thinking about it assuming i have time (adderall daze) but i would benefit from thinking about it.

I like that description "Adderall DAZE" - the thing that helps everything get so much clearer... until it doesn't and everything blurs together and hours turn to days and days to weeks and weeks to months and months to years... thank you for this post, it is inspiring for me. I am on Day 2 of my taper.

True. And I keep trying to convince myself that I won't abuse it. That it will be like it was in the beginning when it made everything magically better. But... if I am rigourously honest with myself I have not once in 20 years been able to do that. I tell myself that I can b/c I had a period of about 5 years where I did not abuse it. But. Not only do I work with people with addiction, I have lived it. And if I look at the reality, me saying that is no different than the alcoholic going a year dry so they can "prove" they're not an alcoholic. Who cares about labels. The truth is, I have had, and have ALWAYS had, a problematic realtionship with substances. And adderall is just one of them. The most insidious, cunning, baffeling and powerful one, for me. I want freedom. I want my life back. I am committed to doing this. I am going to taper (I know that is against most people's advice but I am following the guidelines in the homepage of this forum and doing it with my therapist and if it doesn't work this time, I won't try it again) but I believe I can do it with all of the accountability I have put around me. I will get my life back. You said something I always say to people who ask me the same thing -- one patient I work with asks why she can't use drugs as the answer. I tell her that it's b/c of tolerance. You will always end up needing more and then you will always end up in this spiral downward that has happened to you so. many. times. That is true for me with adderall. I trick myself into thinking that it isn't b/c so many people "safely" use alcohol and this shit doesn't happen to them. But who am I kidding? So many people "safely" use alcohol too. So I do get it. This is not the life I choose anymore.

So help me out here. I'm being serious. Well partly. So what if it is just speed? And what if taking that speed makes my qualify of life so much better? Wouldnt i benefit from taking it? (I can see the faulty logic but i cand stop it.

Telehealth (phone or skype) - u?

I don't want to die.

I waste SO much time on adderall b/c it all feels important. I legitimately do have weak executive functioning in prioritizing and that creates anxiety and when I take adderall that anxiety goes away, but... so what? So what if I have to take a few minutes to decide what's really important? It didn't all crash and burn the month i was sober... but i tapered super slowly (first time i ever did that - before it has always been these wild swings from all to nothing.) and then after i was done i took a whole lweek off to heal from surgery, and so by the time i went back there weren't physical cravings. It becoame glaringly apparent that I have too much going on in my life, but can figure that out. It is just like... ugh.

I know, a part of me knows. And another part of me tells myself that I just CAN'T be in bed for a week. Like, I can't! I have so many clients this week, in addition to trying to homeschool 4 kids! I know this is an excuse. I am scared. I am afraid I can't tolerate it.

also, i am not saying that is my forever plan, just that it feels like i'm not setting myself up for failure.

so, tonight i commit to putting everything other than what i will use tomorrow into a lock box. i will tell my husband and he can take the lock box to work.

We don't have a great relationship. We are amazing parents together, but there are so many issues. He doesn't even know i am spiraling b/c when on adderall i seem together. it's the withdrawal that makes me crazy and seem borderline lol. i mean i know he would be supportive if i told him, but i also feel like id be giving him additional power over me and i already struggle with that b/c he is super ocd.

I really relate to this. I am fully aware I am trying to find an easier softer way. But does it have to be so freaking hard?! I don't see how I can possibly keep life going for a week or 2 while coming off of this without a taper, and the only way to do that is to stay in bed all day everyday but then everyone will think i'm sick and that's like no bueno with regard to covid scares. Or actually i guess i just could be honest with everyone. (by everyone i mean my nanny and house keeper.) Plus, the kids are home (all 4 of them, being homeschooled) so that is insane. Maybe i take a week off? ugh i dont know. fear of economic insecurity. And why why why do i feel like i have zero distress tolerance? i can handle SO much fucking more than most people can (intensity wise) but when it comes to craving it feels intolerable. I know it isn't but it feels that way. And i don't know what to do about it. I mean, i know what i would tell someone to do about it, but it's like i want someone sitting there with me through it, telling me it's going to pass and going to be okay. I know it will pass b/c it always does, but i just cant seem to get to the other side.

I would tell a client to cut off the supply, but if they aren't willing yet, I would work with them where they are. I know a long taper worked last time, so I am going to try that again. Starting tomorrow. Yep, fully aware of the irony and addict thinking of that statment. I feel like I don't have goals ... i mean... the only ones i feel like i can achieve are on adderall. Clearly not true, but my mind tells me that. I wish i could have someone with me when i get tempted to say fuck it and take it anyway. I have been thinking some new thoughts though - i joined a group called Recovery Dharma and I am doing a small book study on Monday nights. I have been totally honest there. I also am doing 12 step based yoga on Thursday in addition to having done like 3 yoga classes last week which is a big deal for me. Involving my husband is a tricky situation b/c we don't have the best relationship to begin with. I did involve him when I quit for that month, but my resolve isn't there yet and I don't want to further exacerbate the parent/child dynamic. I will involve him, but i feel like i need to first involve people who feel safe. And I have. I have also been totally honest with my therapist and a dear friend of mine in recovery in addition to this small group. So things are changing. And yet I am still not willing to go cold turkey. So, I'll start with where I am and learn from what doesn't work.

I like remembering this. I want freedom.

I'm too scared to cut it off completely. This is where I get mad at myself and feel ashamed. Like... duh, cut off the supply. But then what about in case of emergency. I know, my world won't crumble. But a part of me actually thinks it will.

Yes. I am chasing what is unreachable. It is utter insanity. And I am a fucking substance abuse counselor. This is not for lack of knowledge. I feel so scared of not being able to do life without it. I also feel so scared of the comedown. UGH. I am trying so hard for there to be a third option between quitting and not quitting. And I am fooling myself.