DelaneyJuliette

P.S. I also had disordered eating as well... as far back as high school I can remember emotionally eating. Trying to starve myself and not being able to, becoming bulimic for some years by either throwing up or over compensating with exercise. Stunningly, food is not an issue for me anymore AT ALL. it's really crazy. Food truly was my first addiction (back before i even knew food could be looked at through the lens of addiction.) I remember stumbling across a book in high school by Geneen Roth called "when food is love" and being like... holy shit this is me. (I have no idea what the book says anymore or if I'd still relate.) But see, that all gives me so much hope bc when I was IN all of that I truly could not ever fathom living like I do now where I literally eat whatever I want, I stop when my body is satiated and I literally practice intuitive eating. It took years and years to get there but I got there. In grad school for becoming a therapist we had to do a project where we gave something up for a month so that we could "experience what it was like to be an addict" (so ironic bc I already was one and didn't know it) and I couldn't wait for that class bc I knew I would take it seriously. I gave up "sweets" and it was so hard. I remember marveling at how my journal entries sounded the same as those of a heroin addict. (Cuz it's all related but I didn't know.) Anyway, my eating disorders and difficult relationship with food and body dysmorphia is literally gone. (I mean, after 4 babies I will always have a little baby pooch and I don't love it, but I am also not compelled to obsess over it either - I appreciate my body for all the wonderful things it has done and can do for me. I know I'm rambling but I only got 1 hour of sleep and hell, this is just how I talk lol. Anyway a couple more points. I also took adderall through my last pregnancy and even though my doctor said it was okay and prescribed it (I certainly chose that doctor very on purpose) I cannot tell u how many nights I laid awake googling scientific research articles on the possible effects of adderall on fetuses. It was torture and I couldn't stop. Another point I wanted to make - alcohol has never been "my thing" but when I was in my early 20s I found the perfect combination of alcohol and adderall together that became my thing. It was unsustainable. I could certainly admit I was a drug addict (ehem... I was an addiction counselor snorting lines of adderall in the bathroom of a treatment center) but I could not for the life of me admit I was an alcoholic. (I still have an interesting relationship with that word depending on where I am in life.) But the truth is that it's just a word and it doesn't matter what I call it, I just at that point had to see that drinking had become an irrevocable part of the adderall cycle. I was at a recovery convention (I thought it was just for professionals who worked with those in recovery, but it turned out to be professionals in recovery who worked with those in recovery lol.) The keynote speaker was a professor who literally told her story and it was my story. It was amazing and it was that day I decided to surrender to the program of AA. It was amazing. I quit the adderall and the alcohol and it saved and changed my life. I had ab 5 years totally sober and literally all cravings and obsessions lifted. I could go out and be with people drinking (I didn't love doing that but it also wasn't intolerable.) Then, slowly, I got the idea that I could probably use adderall responsibly again. And so I got a script. And for a few years I didnt misuse it. Until I did. And even then it wasn't always. But it was like I couldn't unflip the switch. And then over the years I ended up having gotten myself into a place where I was using adderall and temazepam just exactly the way I had used the adderall and the alcohol! But it was sooo insidious bc unlike the alcohol I was never noticeably publicly intoxicated etc and so it took me so much longer to realize how bad it had gotten. Annnyyyway, I quit for 6 months then 4 months then several bouts of 1 and 2 months etc etc but I always went back. I really thought this time I had it. But I didn't do enough to eradicate the rest of the cycle. I got free from the adderall cravings but I see how I got here. And I'm grateful bc I see how I have to stop again for good. And I'm proud of myself for taking the time to write this. I'm proud of myself for pushing thru the awful suffocating anxiety in the wee hours of the morning when all I wanted to do was throw today away. I crave that even now writing it. But I also know that at this point, it really is about just putting time between me and the drugs one minute at a time. If I really do this... I could be relatively solidly back on track by Sunday. I will keep coming here and reporting and I will keep doing the work.

I love hearing you vent; it keeps me sane. You are right though, off of adderall for long enough, priorities just sort of become clear and it becomes really neat. Thank you for saying that i inspire you by continuing to come back. That is one thing I can promise i will do no matter what. I have literally been dealing with this shit since 2003. I am so tired of it controling me. You know, i was at the point where it wasn't controling me but i actually weirdly got scared about what my life would be like now that i wasnt just trying to stay off adderall. that made me kind of anxious and it felt like i was taking away my excuses to count down the hours each day til bed just to gain another day between me and the drug. i mean that is NOT why i relapsed but it is something to keep in mind to plan for going forward when i get to that point again. And p.s. every time you report back it is progress simply bc u are reporting back.

I'll be doing so well and then there are a series of cues which make it almost impossible for me to stay stopped. One of them is feeling trapped in wherever I am. When I take the stuff I just don't care and I can find things interesting again. But it's not real.

OMG i am so angry at my brain for the domino affect!!!! One 5mg that really helped at the time turned into a weeklong bender. I have an appt with a recovery coach and a therapist tomorrow, both of whom I have worked with in the past. I hope I can stop this train before it gains much more momentum. It's like... this huge part of me doesn't WANT TO STOP IT! I mean, a huge part of me does, which is why i am doing all this. But when i'm in it... UGH!!!!!

This is the WORST. Again, I know this post is like 8 years old but I found it when searching Concerta. I was so pissed that taking such a small dose of adderall after 80 days made me feel normal again. I wish it hadn't bc now its so much harder again. I don't think I should get a prescription for Concerta. I k ow I shouldn't. It's just so hard being 80 days and sti just counting down the hours til it's finally time to go to bed. Just my 5mg relapse was SUCH a relief. But such a double edged sword. I have to change my life to make it doable without adderall! I have in so many ways but not all.

I know this post is like 10 years old but I related to it so much. This is me. And I am an addiction counselor so I'm particularly savvy. It's very helpful at times. And allows me to manipulate like a crazy person against my own best interest at times. I found this old post by searching Vyvanse (for reassurance it isn't the answer) bc I so fucking want it to be the answer. Or Concerta. Or some other pill that will help but I don't have so much control over having to decide whether or not I need another 5mg. I know these things are not the answer. Fuck.

Well fuck. I had 80 days and then I used 5 mg. And then 10mg... and then... 2 days I didn't pay attention to how much I took. The good news is that this just started last Thursday, so it's just a week and I haven't gone that far down. I can still catch myself an make this okay. It's hard not for fall into the beating myself up category and focus on "what I fucked up" but that isn't useful bc it makes me want to say fuck it even more. I am mad at myself. I want a life totally free from mind altering substances. Except for when I don't. I think maybe I still need to do better at looking at the few parts of my life that really aren't sustainable without adderall (a too long client day that is literally a trigger every single week.) But also I have ZERO desire to interact with anyone socially like adults without substances (esp if they are all drinking.) Which is usually okay and I can avoid it but the other night after I broke the abstinence streak with the 5mg, I let myself "have a fun night" with some substances including adderall while my neighbors got together and drank red wine. I just wanted to be normal feeling and with my body on substances the conversation was tolerable, even somewhat interesting. Without it I would have only wanted to be in bed at 8pm with a book. Which should be fine. But UGH. I have an upcoming trip in March for 10 days and I'm really scared. It involves a wedding of my husband's old friends and I know I am going to want to "fit in." Not like I care how they see me but rather I feel angry and jealous and so I decide to get myself less present in my own way. It does make the night more fun. But it's not in alignment with what I want long term Ughhhh. I really thought I had taken adderall of the menu at this point but this is the 3rd time I see the pattern of how not getting off the klonapin and the ambien kept the door open for me psychologically. I don't know my next steps but I do know that I am not going farther down. I never want to feel again like I felt last December before my big quit where I took a week off and holed up "sick." I can get back up.

Well fuck. I had 80 days and then I used 5 mg. And then 10mg... and then... I feel sad that next December I won't be a year sober but that isn't a useful way to think.

One of my favorite songs is Break by Christine Kane. Listen to it and to the lyrics. It makes me cry every time I hear it.

I have been exactly where u are too! You can do this!! I too have broken through lock boxes in the past lol

So good to hear from u @NurseAddy! Hearing from u put a big smile on my face

I take 75 MG of wellbutrin bc the 150 was too high. I am struggling with getting off the ambien and klonapin rt now. Uggghhhh

Thank u for the motivation! We can do this together! All I have is my mind and body! I want to work to preserve them not mess them up more than I have for some brief "relief"

I haven't done this personally yet but my friend swears by it. It's international and 24/7.

I love you guys!!!

Thank u so much for responding! Yes I take the ambien when I want the day to be done. But it never really makes me feel much different until the day after when I'm barely remembering shit and I'm crazy with anxiety. The klonapin is largely just a crutch at this point. I am going down to 1 or less a day and have stuck with that now for 3 days. I take more ambien than I need to bc when I take it and it doesn't make me feel differently I get mad and I take more. It's like now that I am 67 days without adderall I'm rebelling with these other meds that don't even do what I want. I feel trapped by them and I don't like that feeling. I am very very grateful to be as far out of the adderall trap as I am, but these meds are a slippery slope for me. I drank last week after Taki g ambien which again as an isolated incident wasn't the end of the world but it scares me. I want to snap my fingers gers and be as far away from them as I am with adderall. A part of me is also scared about what will I do when I no longer just have to get through the day without using. Like in a weird way just not using has been a relieving way to think. But I have to remember it's still only 2 months

You know this is so helpful. I am at 2 months and because things are so so so so much better it's interesting how often I forget that there are still going to be "PAWS days." Its like when they happen a part of me forgets that it could still be PAWS b/c I've been feeling so good for so long. It's so helpful for me to hear you say this b/c you're so right - in the beginning it was a PAWS week. Now it is a day. Or sometimes even only part of a day. But it is useful for me to give myself grace and compassion when this happens and acknowledge that it's a real and normal thing, instead of beating myself up or wondering what's wrong with me. I read some wise words by someone on this forum (I don't remember who now) the last time I quit that I am just remembering now. It was something along the lines of, "Oh yeah, I just remembered that less than xyz months ago I could turkey-quit a full-blown years long amphetamine addiction." Like holy shit, when I put it that way, it helps me to give myself grace. :-)

Just posting this here for accountability. I am on day 57 of no adderall (or alcohol) but I still take klonapin daily and ambien a few times a week. I know this forum is for quitting adderall but @Hopefulily inspired me to post this bc of talking ab the amphetamine/downer addiction cycle. I was in that. Now i am free of the amphetamines which is my main drug of choice always but I can see how I am psychologically dependent on these other two. (I take wellbutrin and zoloft but those are not issues to me bc I don't take them to instantly try to change my mood.) I want to begin my formal taper from these other 2 meds like I did last time I quit and had 6 months. I know I can do it bc i have done it before. I just keep putting it off and telling myself that I'm staying away from the adderall and that's all that matters for now (which has also been true.) AND I can't ignore these other 2 forever but I'm a little scared.

Day 57 here! Some days I'm like whoa it's actually like back when adderall worked (I can focus and have energy and motivation!) Some days I'm still agitated or anxious and Some days are blah. But very few totally unmotivated days anymore. I also take wellbutrin, 75mg, along with zoloft daily. I try to get 8 hours of sleep, a lot of water, nourishing food and exercise. Many days still though I am just counting down the hours til I get to go to bed. But I also know that gets better too with more and more time. I get mad at myself for not getting enough done but then I remind myself that every single day I put between me ND the drug is a success!!

It gets easier!! I am on day 57 now and I can do so much more. The first 2 weeks I was a zombie. PAWS is a real thing! But the longer u don't put the stimulant in your body the more your body heals. I also always underestimate the power of exercise!!

There is methamphetamine anonymous but again the people there in my experience aren't there for adderall.

I am so so so glad u posted this here!!! I have felt exactly like u before and I just want u to know that u can find your way back to yourself! Sending so much love. (I've told u this before, but keep doing that podcast - You are an eloquent writer and I very much look forward to reading your quit lit memoir in a few years. You can have someone edit and synthesize the stuff later!) Right now, try to focus just on what's next. What's the next best thing u can do to make a plan that is realistic?

Just so you know, i have relapsed many many times. The times it has worked is when I have treated it as though i have a serious illness that does not allow me to do things that i can't deliver. (like, one time i timed my quit to a recovery from surgery. it worked. i just relapsed after 6 months b/c i started again taking on more than what was realistic.) this time, i had to take a week off work and i pretended like i was very sick. i'm not saying it's good to lie to your family, i'm just saying that in my particular case, "i've been taking too much adderall so i need you to expect less from me" was not something i had the strength to stand up for myself and say. So i just went the "sick" route and gave myself permission to act like a person healing from a physical illness (b/c in many ways it IS - especially with post acute withdrawal.) I would literally say to myself, "if i had cancer would i give myself permission to say no to whatever request was needed of me?" i know that might sound dramatic (and i'm not trying to compare it to cancer) i'm just saying that i personally had to take the withdrawal period that seriously in my own head in order to give myself permission to say no to the things that i knew would make me relapse early on. does that make sense? Day 45 - i just cancelled an appt and am about to take a nap for an hour. i feel guilty and like i "shouldn't" but i know if i don't, i will burn out and not sustain this. and i am committed to staying clean. so... whatever it takes.

omg i just finished the LONGEST day at work. tuesdays and thursdays i go so late. when i first quit i couldn't make it through much of the time, and often that would lead to relapse. but now i'm at day 42 and it's getting easier and easier.