DelaneyJuliette

I'm starting a group chat - if anyone feels comfortable enough, please feel free to message me and send me your number and I will add you! (I'll give you my name and number as well.) We can beat this thing and we are NOT ALONE!

Hi! Yes, the "drug bugs" are a real phenomenon (formally called formication as sleepy mentioned.) Usually they happen with doses higher than 60mg, but your mom could be an exception (or she could be taking more than she is telling you.) Part of the problem is that this condition FEELS so real to the person that they literally CANNOT believe that they are not real b/c they feel so real. I am an addiction therapist and I have seen this with many people with whom I have worked. Sometimes someone goes through it, gets sober, realizes it was just "drug bugs," relapses, it happens again, and during the relapse the sensations of the bugs are SO REAL that the person is convinced that even though LAST time it was formication, it couldn't be this time. Dermatologists also experience patients who come in with this issue. So, it could help to print out definitions and stories of people who have been through it to make her aware of it, but it likely isnt going to change her mind about what is happening. And the denial runs deep with addiction. When I was deep in my adderall abuse you couldn't get me to stop for ANYTHING. I would lie and lie and tell you I was just fine if you tried to say anything to the contrary. And I never would have let someone come with me to an appointment who could have interfered. However, it is still worth a try. Another thing you could do is to call the prescribing doctor's office and tell someone there what you have noticed. Again, they will not be able to confirm or deny that your mom is even a patient with them, but you can leave (or mail in a letter) the information and the doctor will see it and usually take it into consideration. Again, your mom may be really mad at you if you do this, but perhaps the intervention will work. If not, she will likely just find a different prescriber. Also, it's probably beneficial for you to give yourself some compassion and recognize that you literally can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. (Or even help someone who doesn't want to be helped.) I don't know if you are into this kind of thing, but Al-Anon helped me a lot when I had a family member dealing with addiction (it doesn't have to be drinking.) SMART Recovery online also has forums for friends and families of people struggling with addiction. I've been on both sides - a family member watching another family member and an addict myself. Sending big hugs; keep coming back!

When I had my 5 years it was like that for me too. M34 is right; shift the mindset and know that this too shall pass. I'm trying to do that now so I can build my time back up bc I KNOW that the emotional states won't last.

You may not be open to hearing this... and that's okay. But what if u quit and took a year before law school? In my experience it would make SUCH a difference for you. It would give your brain time to heal from the post acute withdrawal that is so very real. I get it though. There have been times where I didn't feel like stopping (whatever I was doing) was an option. But one time my friend said to me... "I know u are saying you have to do it (start a program I was ab to start), but would u still do it if u were diagnosed with cancer right now?" My answer was no, I would not. And even though that may sound dramatic, it was what I needed to hear at the time to re-evaluate what I'd been telling myself was already a forgone conclusion. Keep coming back!!

It gets better. I know bc I was adderall free for 5 years. Now I'm 14 days and I feel determined to make this time stick!

We never actually started one but it seems like we should! Right now I've just been texting with people to strengthen connection! If u want to message me your phone number I will text u! I'd not I will find another way for us to connect!

We actually never started anything. A couple of us have given each other our phone numbers and text each other to check in more frequently and build more connection. You can message me if u are interested in that!

This is so inspiring

I love all of you guys. Thank u for encouraging me.

Nothing ever got started. I'll DM u.

Well today is day 1 bc I took 5mg yesterday but it's going well. I feel stupid posting but it is what it is. It's getting easier.

I wanted to say - "day 1 again" but just writing that feels stupid to me and dramatic and it's probably old voices but I hear myself saying that if I'm not going to commit I shouldn't put it out there like I'm going to. But I also know that is being mean to myself and that way doesn't work either. So, I'm on vacation this week without the kids which actually gives me hope that I can do this." I have to attend some wedding events towards the end of the week that I am not interested in attending, but I really am almost looking forward to just noticing myself through these days. Not past or future tripping but just staying in the moment. That's gonna be my goal. I read this in a book yesterday reminding me that nothing is permanent and I liked that. Here's a way I'd like to try reframing my upcoming PAWS mood fluctuations: "Earlier I liked the way i felt, but this is now and I feel differently and I no longer like it. I choose to enter the reality of these emotions now." I can make space for them, breathe thru them, and they will pass again." I'm going to check in day rt now. I com it to that.

How r u holding up? You got this!!! Each day is a day between u and the drug!!

You got this!!! Each day is a day between u and the drug!!

Hopefulily, I have found it useful to give myself compassion. You are doing A LOT of really good stuff. You may not FEEL like you are, but that's actually kind of irrelevant right now haha. Feelings aren't facts. You are making positive changes just by coming on here and continuing to be real and authentic and vulnerable and knowing what you want. It's okay to feel like a mess and to hate the way you feel. Feelings always pass. They can't not!

I think the point i wanted to make here is that it doesn't matter if you lost your "resolve." Resolve is just a set of thoughts and feelings. You didn't give into the BEHAVIOR and that is the thing that actually matters!

Oh girl u are okay!!! I am so proud of u! U are foing a GREAT job. I'm on day 7 now and 2 days ago I had a day where I was screaming at everyone and practically having an anxiety attack. Babysitters its an investment but its for your sanity.) TV. Remember to treat yourself with the same seriousness as if u were going thru chemo. Just put one more day between yourself and the drugs. I love listening to "quit lit" on audible to pass any idle time. (Right now I'm listening to addicted to perfect ab a girl quitting adderall; not my fav quit lit book but its really good) Early on i printed out all the pages on the front page of the forum and read and highlighted them.

Did u take more? It's okay if u did. But if u didn't, then that means upstairs ur resolve but still didn't give into the temptation!! I promise the kids won't watch TV forever. I have been thru this soooo many times. It gets easier. How old are ur kids again? Mine are 11, 9, 4 and 2.

Yes!! Let's check in each day!! It's Day 6 today! I woke up 6 days ago with the same resolve. I am DONE. I know the resolve will waiver but at the same time, cravings ALWAYS pass. So does withdrawal. Yesterday was a reallllyyyy hard day emotionally but I made it through! Today is going to be a long day at the office and I'm dreading it, then my son has a middle school intro thing (then I have 2 more video clients after) but I can do it! We can do hard things. The discomfort is temporary. It doesn't feel like it is, but it is.

I'm so glad you're here!!! You are not alone! Keep posting!!

Day 3! I have a really hard time with mornings. I wake up with SO much anxiety. But it will pass. It always does.

In my experience, things even out with time and sobriety. It just takes a long time to get there. Day 2.

Omg it got really really hard. I'm so emotionally all over the place rt now. But I know uts just withdrawal and it will pass. But fuck I want it to pass.

That was so scary getting back into the complete abyss for a week. I know that me feeling pumped ab doing this again won't last, but I am going to make the sobriety last. I am doing things differently this time. I don't have a lot of time to write right now but I just wanted to check in bc u all are such a life line to me. We can do hard things!!!

My husband has a prescription that he uses in a non abusive way and I broke into our lockbox and took his. Thank u for the encouraging words. I was back at pretty high productivity again b4 the relapse but the boredom and feeling trapped and desire to escape was at an all time high. I really really really see that I have to get off all mood altering meds (that I control - not like zoloft) and not drink bc that revolving door of craving is so real. I really thought that maybe I could just do 5mg 1x a week but even if I found a way it's too much work. It's so insidious. Tomorrow is day 1 no adderall and I'm gonna come up with a real plan to taper off the klonapin, fioricet and ambien this time. I see how I started misusing those just to escape, which led to alcohol which led to adderall. I am so tired of all this. I'm scared ab tomorrow but I can do this.