DelaneyJuliette

This!!! This is why I have to, no matter what, continue to maintain my life adderall free. (I am on day 5 -- would be day 15 but one night I took one pill bc my withdrawals were so bad I literally couldn't pack my family of 6 up for our trip so I caved. But proud of myself for gettingright back immediately on track.) As someone who has struggled with this addiction off and on for almost 20 years, I can say that this quote sums it up for me. Unfortunately (lol or fortunately, depending on your perspective) "there is no way back from the binging." At one point in time during the 20 years I had 5 years off the stuff (proof that I can live my life just fine without it) but then probably around 8 years ago I convinced myself I could use it responsibly and so I got myself a script again. And I used it responsibly. Until I didn't. And ever since then it has been an ever present war waging in the background of my life. About 3 years ago I got serious about trying to quit again. At several points I had up to 6 months (and life wasn't falling apart - it was getting better!) But then... as @SleepyStupid said, all it took was one night or day of "fuck it" for everything to go off course again. So for those of u who have seen me back on the forums (and for those of u I have just met - @GeorgiaRigby I can't figure out how to tag Hopefulily) what I can say is that even though I am a baby in days right now, I am a wary soldier of this seemingly never ending war, and what I can tell u is that energetically, this time is different and real. I know I am not out of the woods by a long shot, but I am committed. I surrender. I am ready to get back to having 5 years without the stuff where it is just no longer on the menu and my brain is not any longer trying desperately to figure out how to get it back on the menu or find a new restaurant. Hope that all makes sense. I seriously love u guys and this forum has quite literally changed my life and continues to do so in so many ways. I have such deep gratitude for you all.

Hope, this was SO helpful. My husband and I fight so much so often when he makes a bid for connection I'm angry or too bust or something. This morning after reading your post, he wanted to cuddle for a few minutes and instead of being annoyed bc I had literally just started Journaling, I went back and cuddled and it was so nice to have had a different perspective. I'm grateful for u guys! And now I wanna watch Yellowstone too!! I love quitlit and movies and stuff. While massively withdrawing last week I watched Candy, Flight and Four Good Days.

It's okay! You can start over any time! Today is Day 2 now for me bc I ended up not being able to pack and get out of the house for my trip, but it's okay. I feel great bc it was just like 24 hours and then I got right back on the plan!

Hi there! I love this group. Today is day 10. I am doing this this time, and I know that is just words, but it's different this time. I just know it in my soul. I've done all the right planning, it's been years (like 10) of this stupid trying to get off this shit dance and I am seriously done. I took off work all last week and took care of myself. I felt horrible. I spent the time alternating between sobbing and sleeping. But I am finally starting to feel a little okay. Here's the issue. Today I have to pack b/c I'm traveling with my (very hard to get along with) husband and 4 kids) leaving late tonight. Packing has always been a trigger but I know I can do this. I have to remember, it's not adderall perfect packed I'm going for, it's "get the fuck in the van and make it to NC" packed I'm going for." But here's the real issue: Last night looking for boggle paper, my husband found my journal that said first line, "day 4 off adderall, Nov 29th" (which isn't even accurate but who cares.) He's not the snooping type, so he literally didn't read more (i don't get how he does that but he does) but he thought i quit adderall like a year ago. In my week off he asked me like 20 times if I'd gone back on it and this was withdrawal and i lied and lied b/c he is not the kind that would be compassionate about that and in my mental state i just couldn't handle more guilt. He believed me, and thought it was a hormone thing that was getting fixed, and i felt like i was receiving the kind of support i needed from him (not support at all, just not overt disdain.) But now, after reading that, naturally, he is angry and hurt and mistrustful and he takes it out on me in very passive aggressive ways. I am 100% aware that I am COMPLETELY in the wrong here, i am just so raw. When something like this happens I feel like a small child in trouble. That is probably one of the most triggering feelings or me. I just am reaching out for support that I am not alone in this crazy journey. I can do this and I will do this. My mind tells me that its not fair that he is acting like he is, cold, cut off, trying to punish me (with words), not recognizing that i am actually packing all 6 of us ALONE. (okay victim mode there, sorry.) But the truth is that it doesn't matter if its fair or not. The truth is that that is how he reacts to feeling hurt and angry and blindsided and i can't change that. He can feel how he feels. He can do what he does. What i need to remember is that i am strong and his reaction is predictable. What i need to remember is that i will not let his emotions cause me to do something that will negatively affect my life. I am just so sad right now. I hate this. When i feel like this i just want to make it all better. I want to get everything back to good. I want to overcompensate. But the truth is, that will do nothing. Nothing will help. What will help, is me staying sober and going on about my life sober. And maybe an apology and an amends, but it may be too soon for that. I am scared the whole trip is ruined. I am scared all the things I have to talk to him about in the car that I've been making lists of (shit like housework, and orthodontist stuff b/c we literally never have time to talk) will now all be ruined. But the truth is, who cares. That shit will work itself out. I do not need to make everything better b/c i CAN'T. I don't need to feel like a little kid b/c i'm NOT. I feel like i've just created a power differential that makes him the "right one" and he is very narcissistic so he will act on that. But the truth is, so what? There is literally nothing for me to do, but stay sober and keep going. I am done sleeping all day now, so I am going to pack (unperfectly) and just be ready to go in the morning. My "illusion" of the "perfect trip" may be gone but it was just an illusion anyway to make me happy b/c there could never be a perfect trip. So it is what it is. I need to accept what is and stay strong in myself. I can do this. Thanks guys for listening. I will stay sober.

Hopefuily, if I were you, I would go to the home page of this group and read and re-read how long and hard this journey is. I am so grateful you are posting here. I have literally planned my quitting around a surgery in the past so I could finally stay home and just be in bed. (I didn't stay quit.) I took a week off work this time and it helped, but now I am packing for a trip and I'm a little squirrley. The ONLY thing that will prevent me from giving in is cutting off all of my supply. You can do this. Covid is the PERFECT time. Seriously, this is so messed up but I considered pretending I had covid so that I could just not do anything and stop. Instead I pretended to have the flu. And a potential ovarian cyst. (so much morally better, right?) jk. anyway, my point is, your body is going to go through hell. But then it gets better. But the only thing that makes it feel better is one of two things. Taking something, or letting it pass. And taking something feels better. But it makes it worse in the long run. You can do this. You are not alone.

Today is day 8 and I have a little energy! It's the first day I haven't broken down sobbing fopelessly and helplessly for what feels like no good reason. I feel... like a baby calf starting to get my footing. That was the WEIRDEST metaphor (or similie?) LoL but it's true. It's like a small sense of solidness is descending upon me and I can tell I'm going to be okay. I can also tell I am not out of the woods yet. If I had the next 3 days to rest and watch movies and take walks that would be wonderful, but instead I am packing to go visit my parents with my 4 kids so I am trying to go very easy on myself. But I know I can do this. I never ever ever ever ever want to feel like that again.

It's 4pm and I want to go to bed. But. It's day 6. I can do this.

Today is day 6. I am finally feeling small glimmers of a reprieve.

I've tapered before and it worked. But this time I have to quit cold turkey. But I'm glad u can voice all of your feelings bc I relate to them all!

It's Day 4. It's for real this time. Those are just words but I won't give in. I have so many contingency plans in case things go sideways. @NurseAddyI will be writing about a year of sobriety next December. I can do this.

I'm not going ANYWHERE Georgia! U are not alone! No matter what happens, we are stronger than this addiction. All u will ever get from me is unconditional love and acceptance with reminders that we are stronger than we think. I have been sober before from this godawful trap of lies and my life WAS better. For years. But then I fell back in the hole and getting out has been so hard. I am doing it this time. Literally, no matter what.

Girl I have been doing the dance u are doing rt now for literally over 10 years. Don't feel bad ab yourself. But it does help to make a real plan. Knowing we can access it if the craving gets bad enough is really really hard. It's almost impossible to ask ourselves to have that much willpower.

Yes! U are not alone! I have been on this site for tooong now (years) trying to get sober and this is finally it. Read and re read the home page ab post acute withdrawal. It is real. But we can get past it!!! One moment at a time with compassion.

Yes Yes yes yes!!! Day 3 here. It's hard but it will get better. And I have been sober from this shit before so I know it gets better. We are NOT alone!

We can do hard things!!!! Stay in touch!!

I have no more access. I'm scared but resolved.

all good!

Thank you for that main page!! Wow how time is a flat circle. It has been a few years. That is insane. So. Tonight I took my last adderall. For real. Over the past year I've had 6 months, than 4 months, than 2 weeks, then 1 week, then 3 days, then a few weeks of the fuck it's inbetween all of that. So here's what is different this time. I do not have any access to adderall (my husband has a prescription) but I have gotten him to put it in a lockbox. I have my friend Christi helping me. I took off work next week. Ya'll that is huge. I always make it to like mid-late day and then just cannot go on without the adderall so i give in and then i'm mad at myself so i say fuck it. So this next week will be hard, and then i am going away for a week to visit family so no work then (not like that's simple, but i can actually relax b/c my parents really help with the kids when i visit) and then when i come back i should feel a bit better. i am not taking any new clients and i am going to force myself to keep breaks scheduled during the day (okay that one i dont quite know how i will do yet but i can worry about that over the next few weeks.) i read in the intro, "being on adderall causes you to create a life that you can't sustain off of adderall." i love that. i'm scared. but i'm really doing it this time. i also have a friend i met on this board who is in the same boat and we text every day. i am journaling every day. i'm like... scared to go to bed lol b/c "it's the last day" even though i don't feel anything. i can do this.

I can't seem to locate the "main page" that had all the songs and movies etc listed on it. Now it just takes me right to the forums, even if I try logging out. Any thoughts?

How do u use chat?

I'd love to get a small group of emails (DM me) of people who may be struggling but are serious ab quitting!! We can share challenges, success and inspiration!

I am!

Um YES! AND I just saw its been 10 years since u posted this lol. Well I live in the Tampa Bay area and want to get together!

I remember us talking on here. Tomorrow and Thursday I taper, Fri is cold turkey. I'm relieved and scared

Thanks guys