DelaneyJuliette

I know that I won't cut off my source until I am detoxed. I have been on and off this shit for almost 20 years, and when I just go cold turkey and cut everything off with no possibility of a taper things get bad. I really would have to stop my life for a week or two to do that. (Which maybe I should consider) but in the meantime I can't get rid of it all (or I won't.) But, clearly there was some ambivalence lying around during that month b/c I never actually made it a priority to cut off the source and lock up the hubby's. So in my weak moment it was there. Day by day. (And yet, I am fucking alone in my office AGAIN getting no sleep and being away from who matters most to me in the world - my kids.) So yeah... I really need to stop. A part of me feels like I am being dramatic and that I can just use it regularly and I don't need to keep abusing it. But that has never actually worked long term, so a part of me knows that is addict voice. I just don't want it to be. I need to have some tools to utilize when I'm in that moment of triggered crisis where I am at a choice point. B/c just relying on myself to make the right choice for me clearly isn't enough.

Ugh. So, my husband also has a script, so to cut off my supply for real I'd have to both tell the doc and lock his up in a lock box that I don't know the password to. I was going to do that before and I never "got to it" and look what happened. I want freedom. I have to recognize that I cannot take temazepam, b/c when I take that it is a sure fire trigger to taking more adderall than I need. It is exactly like back in the day when I used to drink and take adderall. I got myself to a place where they are linked and that is no bueno. So I think I will try the serious taper again on Thursday. And not beat myself up in the meantime. Even just for the hours today I was doing it the way I wanted to be, I felt freedom and hope as long as I stayed in the moment. I can do this, it's just not linear. I am still here and I will find my way through. I still have made progress even if it's not the progress I wish it was.

I have that problem now. I don't really know how to downsize my life to be able to be realistic with out adderall. I caved in today on the first day of my taper. For me, caving means that I took more of it than I alloted in a different "manner" than swallowing, b/c that's the only way I can feel the effects. I'm so mad at myself.

I need to give it a chance.

I often get angry at my husband and find that i choose to use and then blame my choice (in my head) on him being an asshole. But the truth is, that just further fuels the negative cycle.

Do you mean start your day count over? Or do you just mean like, start an additional day one with all the other stuff? I can make myself crazy over all of this. I have an app called quitzilla that has counted my 7 different "addiction" day ones over and over lol. I am going to start tomorrow as "Day 1" because I am going to stick to a taper down specific plan rather than just willy nilly abuse this shit all the time on a whim. I am scared. I feel okay about it right now, but I am scared I will give in. I know I can do this. Then, when my taper is down to zero like before, I will have a new Day 1 off of adderall. But, I don't want to even think about that right now because it is too scary and it makes me doubt that I can live life without it and then it makes me think why bother with the taper lol. It's crazy this is all in my head. I know I didn't really answer your question, but I am going to go home from work now. It's after 1am. This is crazy. No more of this. Seriously, I just can't. It's not okay with me.

1. Takes time away from my family 2. Causes me to stay at work til all hours of the night doing things that don't really matter but I am convinced that they do. 3. I have spent so much money on people to help me "organize" when all I end up doing is moving shit around that I already don't need and then go by more on an adderall fueled frenzy. 4. Waaay over-commit and then have to take more to actually get thru the committments... I don't have time for down time or reading or watching movies. 5. No intimacy with my husband - literally, sex annoys me b/c I could be "doing something productive" 6. Less confidence in myself when not on it. 7. Never ending cycle of awful.

omg i so relate.

I don't know if I should taper, but every time I try cold turkey I cave. I did a long taper last time I quit for a month and it really worked. So, I am going to try it. This just has to end. It has to. I know I will feel ambivalent as soon as I start to feel icky, but I am going to ONLY bring with me to work what I can take for the day and put the rest at home in a lock box. I can do this. I have to do this. Actually, I don't have to, but I choose to because I choose life. This hell hole spiral is not living.

I feel like I need to taper down first. That could be b.s. thinking on my end, but it worked last time. I haven't been able to get myself to do it again. I am starting tomorrow.

99% telehealth now

Thanks for all of you responding; it helps me so much. I am so damn frustrated by this ambivalence I'm experiencing lately. I was so freaking proud of myself for quitting for a month and now it just seems like I can't do it again! After posting on here I made it 2 days. Then I gave in again and it's like, holy shit I can do stuff again. I know I have to go through a period where I have to be okay with not "being productive" but it is SO hard! And then it makes me swing to extremes. Like, quitting cold turkey, then using way too much b/c "I know I'm just going to quit again anyway" all of which i KNOW is not helpful!! UGH. So then I wonder if I should do a slow taper like I did last time and it really worked. But then I think maybe I can't trust myself to do that. And then I wonder if I can't just take it "regularly" going forward. I like it when you guys (gently) call me out on my distorted thinking b/c I know you're right and I am super insightful and open to feedback. It baffles me how I can be so insightful and yet so stuck here. I mean, on one hand it baffles me, on the other it's a no brainer b/c that's what addiction IS. UGH. I want to just get back to where I was at the end of that month! I really feel like I can't make it through full time work and virtual school for 4 kids right now without it. But that is again just justification. UGH!!!

I was going strong and then I messed up again today. This is so frustrating. There has to be a better way!

Today, I will go without adderall. I have made it to 1:45pm, I can and will make it the rest of the day.

Thank you so much. Your words are so reassuring. It's clearly not true that quitting would genuinely put my family's survival at risk... it's just that I don't know how to get through the days to get to the other side.

When I woke up yesterday I really resonated with your post. But then I gave in mid-day.

I wish I hated it every time I take it. I just feel relief when I take it.

Wow... @NurseAddy, we've talked before, when I had quit. I never read your story til now. I resonate so much. I am 37. I am a mom of 4. I own my own business. I am a psychotherapist. I help people quit addictions all day every day. And I am fucking addicted to adderall.

I really relate to this. @quit-once, you said, "what's your alternative - stay on adderall forever?" Please don't shame me here, but my gut honest answer at this moment in time is... "Yeah... would that really be so bad?" I mean clearly I am on this site, so clearly I know that there are problems for me. But my brain still keeps telling me that the problems are only because I keep misusing it (abusing it) and not just taking it as prescribed. I am not arguing, I am looking for help. I want to tip my ambivalence over the the other side. I know how to help people overcome addictions - I do it for a living. But this is so fucking insidious. Because I relate so much to @imabuki. One evening, I simply had to pack my entire family up to go to Savannah for my daughter's gymnastics meet that was happening the next morning. I couldn't move. I caved. And OMG I got us packed and we drove the 6 hours there. I haven't been able to stop since. I feel emotionally regulated when I'm taking it. When I'm not, I feel crazy. I'm sure it's withdrawal, but... do I need to go through it now? Literally, these are the things that keep me from moving from contemplation/preparation into action. Ugh. Please don't shame me, I am so very sensitive to that. I really am asking for honest thoughts. I am insightful and curious and willing to call myself on my own bullshit. Seriously. Someone help me see why I need to stop! Because I know that when the pain gets great enough we make change. i don't want to have to wait for that!! How do I stop when every single day feels like it will be okay if I do, and every single day feels like it won't be okay if I don't. And I am not sure why it even matters in the long run....

So... I had a month off of all this crap and it was great. And now I've had about 4 months back on it and it was great at the beginning and it has become not great again, like always. The first time around, this forum was a godsend. I literally donated the second I found it b/c I knew it was exactly what I needed. I read posts every day and posted almost every day. But I have been avoiding it for a few months b/c I am still in ambivalence. And I'm not sure if that's allowed. Or, I'm sure it is on some level, but I fear that I need to be committed before I post. But I'm doing it anyway b/c I feel like this forum is the closest any group has ever come to understanding my struggle. I did great for that month (I mean, it was hard, but I was free.) But now I feel like I don't have a life that allows me to be without stimulants. A part of me is aware that that way of thinking is old addict justification. But a part of me thinks I'd have to change my life so drastically I don't know if I could do it. I have 4 kids and my own business. I'm sure I could do it. But... is it worth it? I mean a part of me knows it is... that's why I'm here. But then... the day happens... and there's so much to do... and FUCK. So I don't know. Maybe you will all tell me to go away and come back when I'm certain. Lol, I doubt you will, but there's always that chance. I think I am posting on here though b/c I want help. I want help without being shamed. I do have other support in my life. But what do you do when you aren't yet in the "action" stage of change? I am wavering between contemplation and preparation right now. And then I tell myself I need to take like a whole week off to do this. Which I don't think I am willing to do. (I was going to say I don't think I CAN do, but I mean, if I had cancer I'd take a week off, right?) The last time I quit I LITERALLY planned a surgery that would keep me home for a week in order to do this. I was so proud of myself. But there are SO MANY MIXED MESSAGES! Even my therapist is like, "well maybe you don't need to quit completely." And I just don't know! So. That is what is going on with me.

OH my denial of how i can take it as prescribed and it not over-run my life... is it denial? is it truth? who's to say? Me, when I'm fucked once again in the end? UGH.

Man I relate to this sooooo much. And you know what's funny... somehow I haven't linked my weight gain to stopping adderall! wtf?! LOL. I cannot believe I didn't connect those two. I used to be bulimic and adderall is what got me to stop binging (like 15 years ago) and I've recovered from my eating disorder since then (I had 8 years sober before) but i literally didn't connect those 2 this time. (I'm on day 9 lol!) Oh well... what I know is that I'd rather have my body than be dead and not have one at all. How is it going with the friend thing? The first time I got sober I was in AA so I made new friends in there... this time I'm married with 4 kids so that keeps me busy... and I have some friends from work who are also therapists so I can turn there... I do feel like I don't know how to meet new people sober though -- bc it seems like everyone i meet is on something.

I totally want to watch that.

I'm nowhere near NYC but if I was I'd go with you!! I used to be in AA about 10 years ago and I actually went back to an AA meeting once last week and I didn't hate it! LOL. It's funny how much I absolutely hated it while I was no longer "sober." I still don't want it to be like it was back 10 years ago for me, but I am not closed off too it anymore and going back felt really comforting, familiar and helpful.