Cassie

Congrats on 216 days! I was really fatigued and depressed around that point too, as I'm sure all us long timers were. It's normal. You just have to push through it. You say you can barely go to work, but you can go to work. It's not impossible. And not having any motivation for the first year or so is par for the course. After a year my energy levels started improving. Consider wellbutrin for a short term energy boost. Also, eating small meals throughout the day helped me.

You could always go on the interview and then take some time to decide. It sounds like you're happy where you are though. Plus a longer commute doesn't sound appealing. Why did you apply for the job in the first place? When I got off Adderall I really wanted a new job and I didn't care if it was less money, but it took me 18 months before I had the confidence to start looking for other jobs and go on interviews. If money is the main benefit of the new job but you wouldn't be as happy, that could be a problem.

I've been on a lot of job interviews in my life, and not once has an interviewer asked or cared what grades I got in college. They care about your skills, your ability to learn, and your attitude. I guess the exception would be students trying to get into medical school, but for the most part, these students are being sold a bill of goods, and they'll realize it as soon as they're in the real working world.

Wow, great post. Your dad sounds like an incredible asshole. Glad you managed to escape that hell and move forward with your life. You've gotten a good education on who you don't want to be, now it's time to create the life you want from the ashes.

I remember feeling really weird at 18 months clean. I made a string of bad decisions (including quitting my job without having any prospects) and I was really frightened, had no confidence in my ability to learn new things, felt socially awkward, was anxious meeting people, and just generally felt lost and confused. After 3 years sober I feel like myself again. 3 years was a big turning point for me, much more so than 2 years. I have confidence again and most importantly, I feel like I'm in control of myself and my feelings. I feel strong. I didn't use for as long as you (5 years), so don't compare your timeline to mine, but everything does heal in time. There's no choice but to keep moving forward. In a few years you will thank yourself.

It sucks, but the only real cure is time. There's no money in waiting for time to heal.

Never tried it, but according to manufacturer and NIH, 'this medicine can be habit-forming.' Same warning for amphetamines so why even go down that road. That's why many on this site use Wellbutrin in the beginning - no 'habit forming' (aka addiction) warnings.

If you need an interim solution, I recommend Wellbutrin. I would stay away from anything habit forming (progivil). If you can't find a counselor with addiction experience, go to NA or Smart Recovery.

I feel back to normal after 3 years, but I used for 5 years which is quite a long time. It's easier to see your progress over years rather than months. Sounds scary to a newbie, but once you get to a year sober time just flies by, as opposed to the really slow first 6 months/year sober. You don't have permanent brain damage, it just takes a long time to repair. I personally think you need to give it as much time as you were on the drug. Think of brain repair like weight loss. If you gained 50 pounds in a year, you wouldn't expect to be able to lose it in a month, would you?

What are you hoping a doctor will do for you? If you are trying to stay off pills I would recommend a counselor, not a psychiatrist.

I wasn't even close to feeling fully recovered after 1 year. I felt better at 2 years, and way better at 3 years.

I became addicted to adderall later in life, so it wasn't a gateway drug for me. I drank more on it though (because I could drink a lot without getting tired). I believe there are a couple studies showing that ADHD kids on adderall are less likely to use other drugs later on, but you have to keep in mind that almost all drug studies are funded by the pharmaceutical industry, and that they are free to leave any studies casting their drugs in a negative light unpublished. There's so much publication bias in medicine (not to mention poorly designed studies) that you will never get the whole picture. I believe a kid on adderall long term would definitely be more susceptible to doing other drugs, including abusing adderall.

It's amazing what you've accomplished in only 4 years off Adderall. I agree with looking back on how ridiculous my thinking was on adderall. After a few years sober you realize life is long and nothing is permanent and on adderall (and newly sober) you just can't see the forest for the trees.

It's only been 40 days - that's not a long time to have quit something. I kept gaining weight for the first 3 months off Adderall, then my appetite and metabolism started to normalize and I lost the weight. Your body, mind and hormones will adjust over time.

I didn't mean to imply in my post that my husband wants me to take adderall again. Our relationship was terrible on adderall and that was one of my main reasons for quitting. Things are great now and I don't think he meant any harm with that comment. Ask your husband about the positive changes. I'm sure he can name off a bunch of them!

You can't compare yourself to other people. You doped your brain for 12 years. That's much longer than most of us. Plus your brain is different now with kids. It seems way premature to throw in the towel after just two years, which is barely any time sober compared to how long you used. Why don't you commit to another year and see a therapist, go to NA, get in shape, get some hobbies, take an antidepressant - these are just some ideas to help pass the time so your brain can heal from your long term addiction.

You get your motivation back but it takes a lot of time. Nothing is wrong with your frontal lobe, other than it's been chemically disrupted and it takes a long time to return to normal. Like you said, it's unsustainable. You're continually creating a greater chemical imbalance in your brain and the addiction gets worse over time. I admire you for telling your doctor. That shows commitment.

I had several half-assed quits that lasted a month here and there. The first time I tried to seriously quit, I relapsed after 2 months and took Adderall for another 9 months. During those 9 months, I was planning for the next quit. The time of year was important to me (slow at work and nice weather). The second time I tried to seriously quit was 3 years ago, and I haven't touched Adderall since. You can quit on your own if you really want to and you completely cut off your access to the drug. IFIHADKNOWN, my doctor said the same thing, that "you should feel fine after 30 days." Haha, what a load of crap.

No, your natural motivation returns but it takes time. 7 months is still really early.

I agree with AlwaysAwesome. I was a straight A student too. I started taking Adderall at age 26, four years after college and already experienced in the workforce. I didn't need it, just wanted the boost. I worked fine without it before, but now I still struggle, 3 years off it. It's much better though. I'd say I'm 90-95% recovered. I feel normal almost every day. The problem is you will be anhedonic for a long time after you quit, and you'll feel slow and dull and socially awkward. You have to have a lot of patience as your brain recovers from all the doping. Have you never taken periodic breaks from it over the 12 years, like a week or month off here and there? Do you take weekends off?

I think you're fatigued because you're only 5 months clean, and you'd feel that way working in any job. My job after quitting Adderall wasn't stressful on paper, but I made it stressful with my constant performance anxiety. When I changed jobs 18 months later, learning a new job and meeting new people caused huge spikes in stress. Before Adderall this stuff didn't stress me out at all. Your sober brain simply has to relearn how to deal with stress. This takes time. I would stay at the job you know how to do until it no longer feels as stressful. Just my two cents

My husband is supportive. When he made that comment, he said he felt bad even mentioning it, but that's the way he feels sometimes (not overall). He doesn't want me back on it or anything. He was just being honest, and even though it was annoying, I can't really let what other people think affect me anyway. Cardio definitely helps. I try to walk for an hour on my lunch break every day, so even if I don't do any other exercise, at least I'm getting a long walk every day. I also took a couple Wellbutrin and that snapped me out of it. I thought it was PAWS but it was lasting over a week. I have a bottle of 100mg SR Wellbutrin left over from ages ago. I recognized my symptoms of depression that were getting worse. When I've had depression in the past (before Adderall), I lose my appetite, I'm fatigued and my muscles ache painfully, especially my shoulders. I also can't focus or concentrate. I took a half a Wellbutrin on Friday and Saturday and that helped the physical symptoms tremendously. I no longer have muscle aches, I can eat, and my concentration snapped back. So, I'll keep that bottle around in case this ever strikes again. Maybe that's something that could help you too, if you have those kind of depressive symptoms that lead to cravings. I haven't had a craving in so long - this random depressive episode triggered them. And just two days of 50mg of Wellbutrin made it go away. It worked almost instantly. Anyway, thanks for your support, and I hope you find a solution to the whole work from home thing!

Welcome Victoria. To answer your questions, I made a plan to quit and quit cold turkey in Dec. 2011. I planned my quit in Dec. because I could take three weeks off work around the holidays, and I knew work would be slow for another month after I got back (I worked at a college). So, I knew my slacking off wouldn't really be noticed as I eased back into work. I also chose to quit at this time because the weather was nice in Phoenix. I could get outside every day, walk and hike on the weekends. I loaded up my Netflix queue with tons of shows because all I could do for the first year was go to work, come home, watch TV, and sleep. I prepared myself for being extremely tired, depressed, and unmotivated for my first year off Adderall. I prepared for the cravings, the iatrogenic ADD, the mental anguish and utter lack of confidence. I read up about PAWS (post acute withdrawal). I also prepared myself for the possibility of getting fired due to lack of productivity. It never happened, but I had a lot of anxiety about it, because any enthusiasm and/or motivation I had for work went out the window. It was especially tough because my job was very self-directed and not really deadline oriented. If you have a fast paced job with deadlines, that should help, and if you like your job that will definitely help. Most importantly, I had faith that the misery of getting sober was temporary. I wanted to stop being a drug addict and that was more important to me than anything else. That's why I am three years sober today. If you can step down instead of quit cold turkey, that should make it easier. I didn't have the willpower to do that. I was taking the same amount as you, about 20-30 mgs/day, for 5 years. I failed at the step-down method many, many times. I would suggest writing a list of all the reasons you want to quit and figuring out if you are ready for this fight for your freedom from speed. All the negatives need to outweigh the positives for you. Are you ready to deal with the depression and fatigue that can last for many months or years, knowing it gets better as time goes on? Are you ready to deal with working less, within your own limits, and not being superhuman CEO anymore? Are you sure you want to have a baby if you have chronic fatigue and can't take Adderall? If you are so reliant on Adderall to maintain your status at work, what will happen when you have work and the lack of energy/sleep/time that comes with taking care of a child, and you can't take Adderall because your partner forbids it? I think these are all questions you need to ask yourself. I'm 34 and thinking about having kids. I only now feel like I'm back to normal enough to deal with the fatigue, craziness and lack of sleep that comes with pregnancy and having a kid, knowing that I won't need Adderall to get through it. It took years of recovery to get myself to this point, physically and mentally. So what should you do once you quit? You should completely cut off your access to the drug or you will risk relapsing. This means finding a different doctor or telling your current doctor to never prescribe you speed again (tell them you are addicted and can't take it). If I were you I'd find a new doctor and tell them about your problems with the drug - get a clean slate. You could take Wellbutrin to help with the transition. The supplement l-tyrosine helps some people, and a daily vitamin. You could go to NA meetings, SMART Recovery, or another support group in your area. These are free and you can go as often as you want. It's hard to find people recovering from Adderall, but it's easy to find people recovering from meth, and guess what? The withdrawal is exactly the same. Anyone quitting amphetamine/methamphetamine will understand the challenges you are facing after you quit. My friend used to be a meth addict and he was great to talk to about withdrawal symptoms/life after speed. This site is amazing as well and vital to my own recovery. So, that's how I quit and my thoughts for you based on reading your story. Quitting is very doable - you just need to be realistic and prepared for recovery to be a process, not an event. It's worth getting your soul back and not being a slave to a pill.

I found this article on Forbes about 'managing the risks of taking adderall' and I really identified with the points he makes about addiction signs. I thought this might help readers know if they or someone they know is addicted. http://www.forbes.com/sites/toddessig/2013/12/06/managing-the-risks-of-taking-adderall-to-enhance-work-performance/ It's written by a psychologist who sees a lot of high achieving 20 and 30 somethings taking Adderall for cognitive enhancement. Just telling them 'no, don't use it' doesn't work, so he put together tips for recognizing/avoiding addiction and recognizing downsides of Adderall, Some points from the article (my comments in bold). Protect your weekend Using on weekends is a sign you are moving from performance-enhancement into addiction. No social event is ever important enough to require cognitive enhancing stimulant medication. If you’re taking Adderall to make it to brunch on time, well, you’ve got a problem. True dat. When I got my own prescription and starting taking every day (like it says on the bottle), that's when the addiction grew. I couldn't go weekends without it. I needed Adderall to see movies, read books, go to Target, etc. Protect choice Adderall for enhancement should always feel like a choice, not a need. One should avoid the territory Petrow from The Atlantic apparently straddles of seeing Adderall as need and not choice. Once it feels like need it is time—past time actually—to throttle back. Absolutely true. I took pills recreationally for two years before I got a prescription. Because it wasn't medically justified, it felt like a fun choice, not a necessity. Trust someone. Bad judgement and denial are hallmarks of addiction. You will not always know you have a problem. In fact, you probably will not know it. Until it is too late. So, trust someone—someone who does not brain-dope—with the complete story of your use. I wish I had done this earlier, before I was a full blown addict. Your body will rebel Like anyone taking amphetamines, you are going to have trouble sleeping. Lots of college students take the edge off with drinking and pot smoking. With people launched in careers I see lots of sleep meds and anti-anxiety medications. The pattern is Adderall in the morning, Klonopin at night. This doubles the addictive dangers so be very, very careful. Make sure you give yourself time to recover and sleep. Luckily I never went down the downer path, although I did drink at night to come down. Creativity takes a hit The very same convergent, focussed attention sought from Adderall—the kind that lets someone grind out yet another stellar legal brief or grant application or financial analysis—also undermines creativity. And sometimes creative, divergent thinking is required for optimal performance. While Adderall might make you a more efficient solver of familiar problems, it will interfere with finding creative solutions and new discoveries. I did not do anything creative on Adderall. I was simply a work drone, great at doing repetitive, boring tasks at lightening speed. Self-confidence gets undermined Confidence comes from success. “I did that!” Having accomplishment fuel self-confidence is crucial, especially when a business or professional identity is forming. But I’ve repeatedly seen successful people who start out with an Adderall assist not develop a level of self-confidence commensurate with their achievement. For too many, it’s the drug that did it. Not them. The short-term gain Adderall provides becomes a long-term problem. My self confidence still feels undermined, years off the pills. This is a hard one to get over. ———————————- The bottom line is that f you choose to use Adderall to boost your career (or school or home for that matter) you also assume significant risk management responsibility. Now, why the fuck do doctors never mention this?

I'm really glad you posted this, Liltex. I've been feeling very 'relapsey' myself lately. I've been really tired and unmotivated at work (my job is very self directed, which is challenging) and feeling guilty that I haven't been getting much done the past few weeks. I feel like I'm letting my boss down, even though this is probably just in my head. I can't seem to get it together to start working on projects. Then, the other day, my husband made a comment about how I used to 'get shit done' on Adderall and how I didn't need as much sleep as I do now (I think I sleep a normal amount - I don't take naps or anything). When someone you love validates the drug somewhat, that's a huge setback. So, lately I've had strong cravings for Adderall, my first cravings in at least six months or so. I stick around here for the relapse stories. Nobody ever said, "I relapsed on Adderall, and I'm so happy I did!" When I get cravings for Adderall, it's a reminder to me that I'm still not over this addiction. I still get PAWS days from time to time. But, there's always another way to deal with shit. Meditation, diet, exercise, yoga, vitamins, just waiting it out. Drugs will only cripple your inner resources. Natural methods strengthen them. I don't think I could work from home like you do. That would be really triggery for me, to be isolated every day. That must be extremely difficult. So, I don't have much advice, just commiseration that life sucks sometimes and we get stuck in negative patterns that we used to remedy with speed. I can't wait for the day when it's been so long since I've taken an Adderall, I forget what the hell it even feels like.