quit-once

It might help to redefine the terms of your recovery. Are you comparing this recovery to your prior experience of recovering? I seem to remember you had a long spell - years- of clean time followed by a relapse. You seem to be comparing this recovery to your last recovery, which seems reasonable. But something went wrong in your last recovery and maybe you need to explore why it failed. Are you comparing your life now to how it was before the Adderall? Are you comparing your recovery to anybody else's recovery time frame? You are not the same person you were ?? years ago because you have gained life experiences and have grown as a person. Every recovery experience is its own animal. In my case, during the first year of recovery, I constantly compared my life to the life on Adderall in order to convince myself life was better beyond addiction, and that re-enforced my newfound sobriety. After that first year, I started to compare my life where I was before Adderall, and I still do, trying to find that elusive benchmark of "normal". It also helps me justify my slothful behavior and procrastination. But lately, I have realized that my life before Adderall wasn't ideal. I smoked a lot of cigs, abused alcohol, and was always seeking a new drug and a better high. I will never be that person again and I am glad I have grown up. Pill-popping mentality? check. I used caffeine pills a lot during my first year, less after that, but still have the occasional fling with the urge to abuse my supplements and slam red bulls. As recently as yesterday. No guilt or downside to that behavior. Social anxiety? check. Someday I hope to have close friends and a girlfriend again, but I am still not there. Procrastination? check. But this is one area I have seen baby step improvement with each passing month of recovery. In fact, I procrastinate less than I did before Adderall but still have a ways to go. I am still digging out of the clutter jams and piles I created during the later stages of my addiction. Some parts of my life are almost 90% organized! The further I grow away from my addictions to Adderall and ciggies, the more life becomes about growth, good nutrition, and self improvement and less about addiction and recovery.

If a snake oil helped somebody because of its placebo effect, that really isn't a bad thing. Supplements are classified as such because they are generally less dangerous and more inconsistent than drugs. Supplements that are miracle pills for some people will have no effect on others. Most things we "take" have side effects or unintended consequences, including herbs, supplements and some foods. I have settled on a pretty short list of things I regularly take: Vitamin C for better skin Fish oil and lions mane mushroom for a better brain L-Tyrosine for a better mood

Got any other addictions you wanna kick? I read somewhere that your chances for success of kicking multiple addictions are greatly enhanced when you kick them all at once. So I tried quitting cigs and adderall on the same day. I only lasted three days off the cigs, but within the next month or so, I unloaded my nicotine habit as well. I used chew, e-cigs and chantix. I found the chantix to be really tough conbined with adderall withdrawl and I wouldn't recomend that course if you dislike having painful depression. After 2+ years, the cigs are still calling out to me. It is tough, because I loved the act of smoking as badly as I hated the addiction to a stinky, nasty habit. I constantly have to remind myself how badly I hated being enslaved to cigarettes. I hated being enslaved to the adderall as well, and I found that addiciton even more repulsive than those stinky, nasty cigarettes. I would never trade my FREEDOM for even one puff or pill. I just hope I can KEEP that strong resolve for the rest of my life.

HOW on earth can a Canadian (or even a Minnesotan) ever get over the winter? In Wyoming, we have only two seasons: winter and August.

"pimp your garage" lol, ZK, lol

ZK, Working through some of those emotions ia a big part of the recovery process, a necessary part of letting go of the past and embracing your future without addiction. Might help to make a list of those emotions when they come up, who you were with, what your doing and how you dealt with them. You tackled a bunch of them in that short post, all the way back to why and how you started using in the first place.

Sounds judgemental. Was there anything you enjoyed about his company? Was he tweaking? Were you a little bit jealous you couldn't be on his plane? I thought my adderall friends were good buds too, but it seems that those friendships were mostly centered around the drug and getting high. I don't see my adderall friends much anymore, either.

This was your bottom line. If you are looking for help from us to convince you the pill is bad, all you have to do is read, read, read the stories on this web site. I also suggest you read "the eight stages of amphetamine addiction" over on the announcements forum. But nothing I say will convince you the pill is bad. That decision has to come from within. And if you cannot convince yourself it is bad. then it is pointless to even attempt quitting. From what you wrote, adderall does not seem to be affecting your life in a negative way. Yet. What stage of amphetamine addiction are you currently at? Has your adderall use caused you any mental or physical problems you are aware of? Have you been abusing it (taking more than prescribed or running out of pills)? Do you think you can take adderall for the rest of your life?

I pledge to not use power equipment for snow removal for the remainder of this winter season. Snow shoveling = exercise opportunity

eewww.....that equation just turned my stomach and gave me a panic attack as well. good luck with that class. I hate math too.

Translation, please. The only flash cards I am familiar with are the ones I used in second grade to help me learn my times tables.

From this thread I have learned two things, so far: Everybody who has successfully quit has had their "ahah moment". (mine was when I realized than an addiction to speed was simply unsustainable over the long term). We all had to dig some kind of hole with our addictions before quitting and getting better. Some people dig a mud puddle and others dig the Grand Canyon.

I have been reading a book about the Buddha this weekend (Intro to Buddha by Jane Hope). Since you have taken His name as part of your screen name, I thought I would share some of what I learned. Literally translated, the word "Buddha" means "awakened one". I believe that while Adderall may make you feel awakened, it is just one more way the drug lies to you and makes you think you are awake while actually living each day in a zombie state. From pages 36-37: Enlightenment is the total sense of freedom that comes from letting go of the concept of being an individual "self". It is a long journey towards being able to trust that such freedom is possible. The glimpses of enlightened mind provides the motivation to find a way out of confusion. The Buddha told of a path that ordinary people could travel on to find their own liberation. The Buddha presented a path that leads to the cessation of struggle and the attainment of enlightenment. Tinybuddha, I believe that quitting Adderall for good will mark the beginning of your journey on this path.

The "excitement" you are seeking is simply not possible in a life of sobriety. Adderall made me excited for just about anything...hell, even laundry and dishes were "exciting". But it is a drug-induced excitement that only lasts the few magical moments after you take that first pill, or even when you are planning to take that first dose. You may need to lower the bar for your expectations because nothing duplicates that drug-induced excitement. You have already answered your own question: it can be better but just a different kind of normal" It is not normal to be hyper-excited for every single day, or excited for doing things that are mundane and not entirely enjoyable. "I don't want to rely on anything for motivation" You have borrowed from your future motivation (during recovery) while pursuing your addiction the last few years. These are the "dues" we all have to pay as recovering addicts. Your motivation will return, and it will eventually be a better and more sustained motivation than Adderall ever gave you, but it takes a lot of time. Think years, not weeks or months. "How can I be content living my life free from substances?" This is a question only you can answer and it is something you must actively work on every day after quitting. For me, I was so relieved to be free from the burden of that awful addiction that I was content with life shortly after the physical withdrawals wore off and life without pills just gradually became the new normal. Of course there will be ups and downs during your recovery and dealing with those downs is how you grow and become a better, wiser and more mature person.

Occasional, Have you tried completely nixing the supplements for several days in a row? Specifically the vitamins and minerals. I took a multivitamin, (without iron), the day before yesterday, and here I am at 5 AM unable to get back to sleep so I just got up and started my day. Other than a windstorm with snow in the middle of the night, I can't attribute anything else to my poor sleep last night. I believe there is something in my GNC multivitamin that causes sleep disruption, for several days after taking only one pill. And I also believe that multi's with iron cause me to wake up with back muscle pain, which I have not experienced for over a month. and oddly enough about the last time I took a multivitamin. I just found some of the non-iron pills and thought I would give it a try. I threw all of the multi's with iron away already, I just wanted to suggest this to you before you got too far into your new sleep drug therapy experiment with the Trazodone.

I don't have any practice raising a kid but I do have plenty of experience as a caregiver for the last five years of my mom's life. I did it all on Adderall. I also reared a puppy at the same time and the Adderall gave me the patience I needed to get through it all. I am not encouraging you to second-guess your Quit, MeAgain, but for me Adderall was an essential tool that gave me unlimited patience and energy I needed while numbing the depression that went along with it. I thought I could easily quit after Mom went in to a care center and that is when I realized I had a serious addiction problem. It still took me another eight months after she died to kick the speed and the cigarette habits. Looking back, I believe I could have done it all and maybe better without being high on Adderall, but I don't believe I could have quit any sooner than I did. Be patient and kind to your mother in her last days. You will not regret it later on.

Did you follow through with it?

Occasional, I am curious about the "no internet before starting work in the morning" and how that affects your sleep? I seem to fall into this trap of web surfing for a couple of hours each morning just to wake up my brain, but it is not very productive for getting work done. I used to read the newspaper before the internet came along. Also, the blue light thing later in the evening is a good reminder for me to turn off the "daylight" lights I sometimes use for a better mood and more energy in the evenings. I used to like having the TV in my bedroom on as I was going to sleep, just for the sound effects. Haven't done that for a few months now.

Monster...strong stuff, with too much sugar. Try Rock Star or Red Bull next time.

I am still not there. I have to force myself to do anything social outside of work, even with family and known friends. Every time I do, it is a small personal victory to celebrate. On Adderall, I would just lie or make excuses for not going out. I never was very social, even before Adderall, so that is just something I have to work on.

That is how this addiction lies to us. Makes us forget the unpleasant / unhealthy things and glorifies the "highs". I made a mental list all day long of those awful side effects, and I still missed some at posting time.

I looked and looked for anything besides anecdotal stories of long term Adderall abuse and never found anything. I believe it is because Big Pharma controls the science of drugs and since this one is such a lucrative substance they really don't want negative information out there. So the scientific information available is mostly from studies done with kids and low doses, since that is what is typically prescribed. And Adderall as a branded drug has only existed for 20 years or so, although amphetamines and other speed have been around since the 1930's. Parkinsons Disease is one of the few documented conditions related to long term use. Alcohol addiction has plagued mankind for centuries so there is a lot of information on the side effects of abusing that evil drug and how it kills people. I have a pretty long list. I will restrict it to only the physical, (not mental or behavioral) side effects that I experienced. By the way, I abused adderall as a binge user for nine years, then daily the last two years, at a dosage of 100-150 mg per day, and I have been off it for about 32 months. Sensory: Blurry vision. Dry eyes. Tears of fire. Eye muscle twitches. Poor depth perception. Impaired hearing. Audio hallucinations. Ringing in my ears. Impaired sense of smell. Nose runs lasting all day. Incessant sneezing. Hoarse voice. Physical numbness. Drooling. Tongue thrashing. Jaw clenching. My tongue is still semi-active. Heightened and impaired sense of taste. Mouth burns. Biting my tongue and cheek. Difficulty swallowing and choking. Also: Dry, brittle and cracked skin. Mystery cuts and scratches. Red splotches on my face and elsewhere that would last for days. Weird and offensive body odors. Sexual and urinary dysfunction. Muscle twitches and spasms. I still have these in my lower extremities. Brittle hair. Thinning hair. Gray hair. My hair got healthy again and less thin and gray after quitting. Dark nails. Hangnails. Reduced sleep, both quantity and quality - only 5 hours daily. Bloated, puffy skin. Bags or circles under my eyes. Acne. Keratonosis. Weight gain from poor eating habits and lack of sleep. Excessive belly fat. Shortness of breath. Wheezing. Craving cigarettes. Bad eating habits and poor food choices. Heart palpitations - like a cell phone on vibrate in my shirt pocket. Heart beating hard and out of my chest. Rapid pulse - my resting heart rate was 110-120 BPM, and right now it is 56 BPM. Purple hands that were always cold. My whole body felt cold, and I also overheated easily too. Night sweats. Sore muscles, sore joints and brittle bones. Broken and brittle teeth, despite taking extra calcium. Digestive issues and acid reflux. especially at night. I may come back to this and add more as I think of it. My God, if that wasn't enough reason to quit, I still have an equally long list of the mental deficiencies Adderall caused but that is another post.

maybe redefine how you view "hope"? Without hope, things look pretty dark to me. "hope springs eternal" whatever that means. Hope is THE main seed of my optimism!

how so?

I have resisted posting on this thread because I don't have much experience with downers, and never taken ambien. But there is now enough content to respond to for a brief response. First, although I didn't take ambien I did take Ativan. Why the fuck does this spell checker capitalize Ativan and Adderall but not ambien? Anyway, In the few times I have taken it post Adderall, I have experienced a foggy hangover from only one .5 mg pill. Strong stuff. @Cassie: I got a few good laughs out of your posts on this thread. thanks. @Jon: I think you made a wise decision to keep on working. At this point in your recovery, I think you need that routine of work to hold on to and make you function. My mom worked until she was 84 years old for that very reason of needing something to get out of bed for and have a sense of purpose in life. @ Ashley: Sleeping up to 14 hours, given enough time, is not normal. Have you always been like that, even before Adderall? Excessive sleeping is a great way to avoid the realities of life. Are you depressed? I definitely believe that a real job would be helpful and even necessary for your recovery to progress now. I really hope a puppy comes into your life, but not until you get your living and working situations in a better place. Puppys require a lot of time and energy to properly train, but that investment is well worth it. When you do get a dog, it will be very lucky to have you as its owner. @Tinybuddah: How are you doing? Have you come up with a plan for quitting Adderall? Do you also have an addiction to ambien that you need to deal with as well? Those are two different animals that share the same cage,