quit-once

SweetC, that was a really honest and inspiring post. I just didn't feel like clicking the like button was enough to let you know how much I enjoyed that read.

I might have my own hidden benzo issue to deal with. Although I do not use them, and I just recently learned that I will NEVER need my Lorazaspam, I just can't bring myself to throw them away. WTF?? I have a bottle of almost 100 pills. It was my Mom's prescription, and we had many discussions about her frustrations regarding an Ativan addiction that she didn't develop until she was in her 80's. She took them to her death. She used to share them with me and would sometimes give me a bottle for Christmas. They did help to quell the Adderall and stress-induced anxiety and insomnia while she was dying. The pills I have now has been expired for over two years, but it makes me uncomfortable to even consider throwing them away. Is it possible to have an emotional attachment to these stupid pills?

Until you have overcome the challenges of your Recovery, focus on the small things that give you happiness. Like your kitten Mango. He needs you more than ever and he really doesn't give a fuck about your personal victories or defeats. Be glad you can work from home and enjoy his company and support. However, at this point in your recovery, I wonder if you would do better with a real job in a workplace setting, a job with co-workers, structure and discipline? Have you tried the approach of doing a task as quick and shitty as you can, just good enough to say your done with it and then walk away from it?

If you take ANY amount of Adderall (or ANY other speed) at ANY time after quitting,....... then you really haven't quit. I look for the colorful gray area when it comes to most things in life, but like Ashley said, this one is black and white.

I just returned home from a work trip where I spent a couple of nights in a hotel room. Normally I would take a couple of Ativan and have a drink to help sleep. Considering the lessons learned from this thread, I just turned down the room temperature and did not take the pills.....and I slept just fine. I'm not gonna play that game any more. Hope you are doing OK, InRecovery, and for what its worth, I think you bailed on this addiction before it really kicked in and kicked your ass. Just take it easy for now.

The answer to your topic question is HELL YES! Living in an addiction is not really living at all...at best it is an existence.

...pins and needles.....I actually experienced this sensation, but it was stress - caused with no drugs involved. or... hmm,...maybe Adderall and Ativan withdrawal were part of the cause and I just didn't see it until now? it was nine years ago today. ugh, I wish the auto correct feature on these forum boards wouldn't Capitalize the Names of these Drugs because they deserve no such respect.

It really wasn't a challenge for me to kick the Ativan because it was a habit that never really blossomed into an addiction. The most I would take it for was about 3-4 days in a row then I would give it a break. Same way as I used Adderall and stayed in the "tool stage" for the first seven years of my addiction, and kept me in denial that I even had an addiction until those weekend binges turned into daily usage and dependency for the last 2+years. Here is the thing I don't get about addiction: you knew you were going down that road to being dependent on Xanax long before the addiction reared its ugly head. You were astute enough to post your concerns about it but you couldn't seem to avoid the train wreck. I think it is a good reminder to all of us around here that we are vulnerable too becoming addicted to other things besides Adderall. Personally, I have two addictions that I live with (coffee and weed) but they don't seem to cause any problems in my life, I enjoy both substances, and I have used them without harm for most of my life. I also like to drink alcohol, but not too much, and not daily, and I no longer like getting drunk. But I have abused alcohol in the past and must be very vigilant about using it responsibly because I still have the ability and desire to catch an alcohol buzz. I have a strict "no drinking after dinner" rule to help me use alcohol responsibly. I also like to gamble in a casino a few times per year but not for high stakes. Just curious, what is the benzo buddies website like? Is it a cool community of like-minded people, like we are, but they just struggle with a different drug? I have heard that a cold turkey quit of benzos is actually dangerous but I don't know why. At least with Adderall, one can decide they are ready to be done with it, put down the pills and face their recovery in a matter of days.

I have been concerned for your benzo dependency for the last year or so, InRecovery. I remember when you first started grad school and you *found* a bottle of Xanax and you posted how much it helped your anxiety and how you were going to save them for only when needed. Then you made another post last August when you got the script written and you expressed concern about the growing dependency. Then, like last week, you posted how you took a Xanax before an interview and how it helped your anxiety. You haven't said much about your drinking, though. I don't have any wisdom or advice, only my heartfelt sympathy for the difficulty of kicking another addiction, and I admire your strength and bravery to write about it here. My benzo of choice during Adderall was Ativan. I would take them during my weekend adderall binges for sleep but not during the week. But I figured out the awful insomnia bouts during the week was likely caused by Ativan withdrawal, although I stayed in denial about it for a long time. My withdrawal experiences were insomnia in the middle of the night, when I really needed that sleep to recover from my Adderall binges. It was accompanied by these awful abdominal pains in my middle and lower back. I would have to get out of bed and try to sleep in a chair or on the couch. I thought my mattress was worn out and spent a lot of money on new beds, lol. So, I suffered from Ativan and Adderall withdrawals on a weekly basis. I had mostly kicked the Ativan habit by the time I quit the Adderall, thank God. I still have a full bottle of Ativan and it should last me several years as the ONLY time I take it is when staying in hotel rooms. Good luck kicking the Xanax.

Well, to be honest, the main reason I sought a medical professional was to get a steady supply of Adderall. I justified the doctor relationship by thinking it would be good to have a physician "just in case....." but I also truly believed there was an easy medically proven way to kick the amphetamine addiction when the time came. You know, like taking the pill Chantix to quit smoking. My doctor was pretty conservative with his prescription pad, and he only upped my dosage once and that was from 10 to 20 mg per day. I was buying the other 100 or so mg daily from my dealer. I haven't really been back to this doctor for treatment or drugs since quitting but I probably would see him if I got sick or something.... ...there really are not very many general doctors in my town.

So, you quit solely because you "thought you were pushing it too hard" and it was just something you should do?

Frank, why did you quit in the first place? Have you not suffered any of the physical side effects of amphetamine abuse? You might not be old, yet. But I can assure you that prolonged adderall abuse would add years to your body and the older you get the harder on your body it is to recover. Do you really think you could take it to your grave? Would you want to do that?

Ashley, It's not like you are joining the military or something like that. If the job pays enough to simply exist, treat it like a short term adventure and explore that field of work. I have had very few jobs - like 2 - in the last 25 years so don't have much advise for job searching for you. But I can tell you that getting a job you like is really important because it is a daily thing. At worst, I can tollerate my job and most of the time I look forward to my work day.

You are making a big mistake when you assume that an adderall addiction is something less serious that alcohol, coke, benzos, or even the opioids like heroin. Just because they give it to children in small doses doesn't make it less harmful when you abuse it. I have read plenty of personal tragedies on this web site of folks who lost everything to their adderall addiction. it seriously fucks up your life the longer you let it go.

It won't get any easier the next time you have to quit. You already have the hardest month behind you with this Quit. What makes you think you can take it "as prescribed" again, anyway? Remember, you abused it well into an addiction and that condition is simply not reversable.

I love green tea. If I use bags, it is usually 2-3 tea bags per cup. Yerbe Matte is also good. Lately I have been drinking loose leaf tea. It comes in a vacuum sealed bag and the tea leaves are like little pellets that unwind into a full sized tea leaf when you add water to them, and it fills your entire cup with green tea leaves! ZK, what are dragon pearls?

@Luckyducky: Wow, what a great post you made here. I absolutely agree with everything you said, although I haven't tried some of those ideas to boost the endorphins like accupuncture. May I suggest you copy and paste it into its own discussion thread, like in the supplements forum? I may want to revisit this info from time to time. @ Frank: In some rehab programs, they make you identify your drug of choice and also your secondary drug of choice. You like the stimulants, as do the rest of us around here. It is good to be aware of your drug of choice and the reasons you chose to use it. Too bad that the fucking addiction gets in the way of a lifetime of carefree use. But a lifetime of addiction is really not a great way to live and it is unsustainable. The worst moments of my recovery were still better than the uncertainty of a daily addiction to speed. Plus, you are raising a kid. No experience with that myself, but I do believe there is no greater calling in life than to be a good parent and you can't be a very good parent and be fully present in the lives of those around you if you are hung up on an addiction. My dad quit smoking 15 years before I was born after he had smoked for over 20 years. He was always proud of the fact he kicked that addiction and it was a good example for me to follow, even though I smoked over 30 years before quitting. The time frames for the notable benchmarks in my recovery were like this: Ten weeks: I started being able to do a few more things and I joined this web site. I really didn't even have the confidence that I could write a coherrent post before that. Up to this point, I was a marshmellow. I didn't respond to things very well. Nine months: I started getting more sustained energy and the depression fog lifted. But life was still a roller coaster. One year: things got better and stayed better. I thought I was mostly recovered at that point, but it just keeps getting better and better with time beyond my addiction and the only way I can see it is to keep looking in the rearview mirror. Two years: My good mind and memory finally returned! One more thing - you seem to lament your loss of passion and motivation for some of the activities and hobies you did while tweaking - like pinball machine restoration. As your brain becomes re-wired after adderall, you may or may not have interest in these same things, and you almost certainly won't have the excitement and passion that speed gave you. In my case, I developed different interests and activities and also kept a few of my old hobies too.

You have raised three very good points which I would like to respond to. Back in the day when I first discovered stimulants (the '80's), we called it speed. A generic term for all kinds of pills that made you go. When I met my first addy buddy, he was abhored when I called it speed. Adderall wasn't speed, meth was , and we were certainly not like those low-life meth heads. Or speed was something that went into a speed ball or a speed bump, but it sure wasn't adderall. Well....after I quit and started hanging around here, that term re-surfaced and now I refer to all stimulant pills as speed, again. It was like some kind of weird form of denial. Secondly, I believe you have good reason to keep it under your hat that you use adderall. This may sound harsh, but I believe that using adderall for academic gain is no different than using steroids for athletic gain. But the legality and mainstream use of adderall mades it more acceptable and conveniently helps to justify its use for the addict. I used to believe that it "calmed down" the ADHD person who truly needed it. Now I know that it stimulates everybody, but differently, depending on their dosages. "Was there ever an exit plan?" Great question. I always knew that I would eventually need to quit. But I thought there would be a very concise and medically directed exit plan. In fact, that is one of the falacy reasons I got a prescription, because I thought when the time came to quit there would a clear path away from the speed. Nope. My doctor was of no help whatsoever when I told him I wanted to quit. I had to formulate my own plan to quit with the knowledge I gained from this great web-site. So instead of "reaching out to a medical professional" I reached out to my fellow adderall addicts and they have provided the help and support I needed to quit successfully, and I only had to quit once.

B-12 makes my scalp tingle. I liked the sub-lingual cherry flavored tabs. Need to find a way to bypass the digestive system for this vitamin. I found it somewhat useful during the earlier stages of my recovery. My mom took the shots every ten days and it helped to maintain her brain in old age.

This topic comes up from time to time - how our writing was influenced by Adderall. I have re-read some of the articles I wrote while on Adderall, again today, and came to the same conclusion - that I really see no difference in the quality of my writing from then to now. But two things are different: the amount of time it takes me to crank one out is much less (hours vs. days) now, and my opinion of the finished product is lower. I thought I created masterpieces writing on Adderall and they were really nothing special. Just stupid one page articles for our company's weekly newsletter. Hell, I thought one was so good I even gave a copy of it to my prescribing doctor to show him how Adderall had "helped" my (bullshit) ADD condition. LOL.

Ashley, I think you would be awesome in the addiction and recovery field. It is an emerging science and Addiction Medicine has only been recognized as a field of study in medical school for a year or so. Get in on the ground floor and you could go far. Don't forget about that gig you did last year with the high school kids as part of your class or volunteer effort. Also don't forget about all the progress you made in your public speaking class. Too bad you can't use all of us as references, including our screen names, at Quitting Adderall. Good Luck!

What ARE you doing? Just a reminder the #1 rule of addiction is that once addicted, you can never return to responsible use. That means for those of us addicted to stimulants, we better hope we never get bitten by a tick and develop chronic fatigue syndrome, or develop narcolepsy or have a traumatic brain injury causing something like ADD. I can live with those odds and knowing that the stimulant tool has been permanently deleted from the toolbox. But I am not so sure I won't ever need pain medication for an accident, injury or surgery, and I am glad that option is still on the table for me. I try not using cliché's but in this case I think you are playing with fire, replacing one drug with two others, equally as harmful as Adderall.

did you mean L-tyrosine? If so, it should NOT be taken with protein since it IS an amino acid. The natural amino acids in protein foods like chicken will overwhelm your brain's limited number of receptors so the full benefit is not realized and the tyrosine cannot be fully utilized. that is why it says on the bottle to take it one hour before eating or two hours after eating. I take mine first thing in the morning on a completely empty stomach. I felt the effects of tyrosine and lions mane the very first time I ever took them.

I would like to debate your view of supplements ZK. I have another opinion. I think that supplements' effects can vary hugely from person to person, just like some drugs are more effective for certain people. I think their potency can vary greatly from brand to brand and from batch to batch, especially supplements derived from natural plants and plant extracts. Some brand- name drugs have differing effects from their generic counterparts. I spent a lot of resources chasing one particular flavor of Adderall (orange footballs) and I would not take substitutes. Unlike drugs, the manufacture of most supplements is completely UNREGULATED in the USA. Some supplements, like some drugs, can have negative side effects for some people, (as I have confirmed that calcium and iron supplements fuck with my sleep). And finally, I believe that large doses of some supplements can be toxic, not merely a waste of money. I also believe that the effective dose varies with each person depending on their body chemistry and other factors.

It might help to redefine the terms of your recovery. Are you comparing this recovery to your prior experience of recovering? I seem to remember you had a long spell - years- of clean time followed by a relapse. You seem to be comparing this recovery to your last recovery, which seems reasonable. But something went wrong in your last recovery and maybe you need to explore why it failed. Are you comparing your life now to how it was before the Adderall? Are you comparing your recovery to anybody else's recovery time frame? You are not the same person you were ?? years ago because you have gained life experiences and have grown as a person. Every recovery experience is its own animal. In my case, during the first year of recovery, I constantly compared my life to the life on Adderall in order to convince myself life was better beyond addiction, and that re-enforced my newfound sobriety. After that first year, I started to compare my life where I was before Adderall, and I still do, trying to find that elusive benchmark of "normal". It also helps me justify my slothful behavior and procrastination. But lately, I have realized that my life before Adderall wasn't ideal. I smoked a lot of cigs, abused alcohol, and was always seeking a new drug and a better high. I will never be that person again and I am glad I have grown up. Pill-popping mentality? check. I used caffeine pills a lot during my first year, less after that, but still have the occasional fling with the urge to abuse my supplements and slam red bulls. As recently as yesterday. No guilt or downside to that behavior. Social anxiety? check. Someday I hope to have close friends and a girlfriend again, but I am still not there. Procrastination? check. But this is one area I have seen baby step improvement with each passing month of recovery. In fact, I procrastinate less than I did before Adderall but still have a ways to go. I am still digging out of the clutter jams and piles I created during the later stages of my addiction. Some parts of my life are almost 90% organized! The further I grow away from my addictions to Adderall and ciggies, the more life becomes about growth, good nutrition, and self improvement and less about addiction and recovery.