Fix

My Story of Addiction, Struggle & Sorrow (Summary)

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Hello everyone. I just wanted to post this article to tell you all about my story.

I have been addicted to adderall for about 1 year now. The first time I tried it was in 2014 when I started my first year in university. I was 18 years old at the time, and didn't really care for trying it out. However, my friend offered me one of his prescribed adderall pills and I tried it. From that point on, I had only done it every so often. 2 years past, and I found myself in some trouble with the law. I was arrested for felony offences and thought my life was over. I had spent 6 months on bail conditions from May 2017 to October 2017, but thankfully my charges were dropped. However, I am mentioning this because this was the last straw in my downward spiral in life (during the time I started taking adderall I was still on bail conditions, thinking I was about to receive minimum 4 years in prison, thus my addiction had already started before I knew I was free). Also, what made me realize I was truly addicted was when I started taking doses as high as 60-70 mg (XR) daily, and started using it to get high, not even for days I had school work or needed to focus. Prior to this, I had always been a "polydrug" user as my councillor says, meaning I don't have one single addiction, but simply just an addiction to anything that would get me high. To summarize, I have dealt with many factors that have made me resort to adderall. As a child, I had grown up wealthy in a loving family for 8 years. At a certain point, everything went down hill when I was 9. My family lost everything, my parents divorced, my sister was raped, my house got raided, my family lost our house and several valuables. I was a child and stuck in the middle of it all, I felt worthless. Once I reached high school, I got into the wrong crowd and started doing several drugs and committing crimes. More issues occurred, as I had several relationship problems, continuous family issues, and arrests as a juvenile. Long story short, I became suicidal and felt even more worthless. After all of this, and some many other things I won't have time to mention (maybe save for another time), I resorted to adderall to deal with the stress I could manage (i.e. school and work) to compensate for everything I couldn't manage (i.e. family issues, legal issues etc.). Also, I take depression medication which hasn't helped and I have terrible anxiety but my doctor will not prescribe me any short term drug for it due to my past history with addictions (which is fair on her part). I started using hardcore for a full year from 2017 till now, and I recently overdosed. I had taken too much adderall and it accumulated all into this one dark day. I arrived home at around 5 am approximately a week ago and started convulsing. My fingers and toes curled, my body went numb, everything was going black, I heard ringing in my ears, I was drowning in sweat, and my heart beat was insanely fast (side note: I have a heart murmur as well, so I was very scared). I have overdosed in the past on other drugs once, but that was an intentional attempt to kill myself. This time, it wasn't which made me very surprised. For an hour I thought I was going to die, I felt my soul escaping my chest and all I could think was "this is it". I had texted my friend who dropped me off that I was sorry for not listening to him, and to call 911 if I don't answer you in the next hour. I was surprised I could even manage to text him, as for an hour prior to having a terrible vomiting episode I couldn't move (after puking I could move my arms, but nothing else and was still numb and sweating). Long story short, since that near death experience I have stopped taking adderall. Although it has only been about a week, I wanted to post this because I don't have many outlets to resort to since friends judge me and my family wouldn't be able to handle it (my sister is doing her own thing and must focus, while my mom has cancer and my dad has parkinsons/grave's diseases, among many other conditions). I have resorted to a drug councillor, which has helped a lot, but I have been having emotional breakdowns and several suicidal thoughts accompanied by floods of tears and agony. I do not want any sympathy, all I want is to hear from people who have had similar circumstances or from anyone who can help. I have read some of these articles, and they have helped, but I am positing this to share my story of addiction, and I would greatly appreciate feedback/responses to my story based on what I have said, as some specific responses in relation to my story would help even more. If anyone has been in a similar circumstance as me, or started using adderall for the same reasons, please reply to this and share your side. I hope to overcome my addiction, but since it's so early I am fearful that I may not be able to handle it and relapse, or possibly attempt to commit suicide again. Thank you all for taking the time to read this, and stay strong!

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Hey man I'm in a very similar situation. Growing up had a middle class family. All fell apart when I was 11 parents divorced, brother was arrested with felonies, tried committing suicide, the works. Started adderall my first tough year of university. At first was just using it to study but after a year or so turned it to daily use then daily abuse 50-70 mg xr daily some days 100-150 mg ir along with many other drugs. Whatever kept me sane benzos, alcohol, non stop marijuana, opiates, tons of caffeine and nicotine. Two years of all that many near death experiences feeling my soul leave me I finally quit ten months ago. Recently started anti depressant meds. All I can say is have hope that you have a purpose, a reason to be here and to fight for your life and not give up. I've been in very suicidal mind sets and just sat in agony and pain for months but in time everything gets better. I'm dealing with past emotions from childhood along with all the shit I did and didn't do while abusing drugs. I had fucked my self up so bad I pretty much couldn't get high anymore and had gone crazy and I'm still working my way out of it ten months later. It's up to you if you have the strength to save yourself and take care of yourself. I believe you do. Things can get worse or better it's up to you. Continue seeing a therapist and take care of yourself (i.e. eat, sleep, walk) Just know there's love out there and happiness waiting for you if you choose to be strong and fight for it. Any questions or need to talk about anything else don't hesitate.

Much love 

Cameron

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hi Fix,

it sounds like you've had a rough life. i'm very sorry to hear about those things that were out of your control, and how they have led you to your current state. your counselor is right about the poly drug abuse- it's less of a coping strategy and more of an escape, but i'm sure you're already aware of that. i'm sure you're also aware that mixing drugs is always a recipe for disaster, and that adderall overdose sounds like an interaction with the anti-depressant (Wellbutrin?). you have to be really careful, ESPECIALLY, with anti-depressants, because their interactions and side-effects are very unpredictable.

health stuff aside, an addiction to adderall is a little different than the other drugs in that it is serving two purposes in your case: enhancing performance (therapeutic) and getting high. unfortunately, once you start using it to get high, there is no way of going back to a regulated usage, much less a therapeutic usage. this is doubly dangerous because your mind is now relying on the rush of adderall to do anything productive, but you're at a level of abuse that doesn't allow for that.

what is your school / job situation like now? are you still abusing multiple drugs at once? if so, is rehab an option? given your history of usage and suicidal thoughts, going back on adderall is going to be the most disastrous move you can make.

as of now, you are only a year in- NOW is the time to rid your life of it. your life isn't over, your legal troubles are behind you, RIGHT NOW is the time to fight for your life, before it gets worse.

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Wow powerful stuff I definitely feel if your not in NA should start going ASAP you could gain a lot from those meetings. Post on here often we all are here to help each other out. 

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On 2/25/2018 at 10:29 PM, SeanW said:

Hey man I'm in a very similar situation. Growing up had a middle class family. All fell apart when I was 11 parents divorced, brother was arrested with felonies, tried committing suicide, the works. Started adderall my first tough year of university. At first was just using it to study but after a year or so turned it to daily use then daily abuse 50-70 mg xr daily some days 100-150 mg ir along with many other drugs. Whatever kept me sane benzos, alcohol, non stop marijuana, opiates, tons of caffeine and nicotine. Two years of all that many near death experiences feeling my soul leave me I finally quit ten months ago. Recently started anti depressant meds. All I can say is have hope that you have a purpose, a reason to be here and to fight for your life and not give up. I've been in very suicidal mind sets and just sat in agony and pain for months but in time everything gets better. I'm dealing with past emotions from childhood along with all the shit I did and didn't do while abusing drugs. I had fucked my self up so bad I pretty much couldn't get high anymore and had gone crazy and I'm still working my way out of it ten months later. It's up to you if you have the strength to save yourself and take care of yourself. I believe you do. Things can get worse or better it's up to you. Continue seeing a therapist and take care of yourself (i.e. eat, sleep, walk) Just know there's love out there and happiness waiting for you if you choose to be strong and fight for it. Any questions or need to talk about anything else don't hesitate.

Much love 

Cameron

Thank you very much for the response, it's great to hear someone with a similar story to mine. That is very rough, and I appreciate your perspective on this matter, it has helped. I would like to ask you a question, or anyone else who is reading this. I've been having urges to go back to adderall, but mainly because I'm in the midst of midterms. I have 2 tomorrow back to back, and one of them I have no idea what's going on (it's a Biology course, a field of study I have never indulged in before). Personally, I might get a sick note for one of those tests and just do one of them tomorrow, saying I tried going to the first one and puked after then had to go get a sick note. However, my mother is telling me that if I do that it's considered lying since, to her understanding, I'm not sick and I will have bad karma/fail the midterm when I retake it anyways, so she says. Technically, although I am not ill I feel like I'm going through a mental sickness by me just being about a week off adderall. I feel like if I don't get the sick note I will relapse on the adderall trying to become superman again at a time where I need to recover, but at the same time my mom is giving me second thoughts about it, but she to doesn't know about my adderall addiction so she can't relate to my perspective as much. I appreciate the response, what are your thoughts on my current situation with the 2 exams tomorrow?

-Fix

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5 hours ago, sleepystupid said:

hi Fix,

it sounds like you've had a rough life. i'm very sorry to hear about those things that were out of your control, and how they have led you to your current state. your counselor is right about the poly drug abuse- it's less of a coping strategy and more of an escape, but i'm sure you're already aware of that. i'm sure you're also aware that mixing drugs is always a recipe for disaster, and that adderall overdose sounds like an interaction with the anti-depressant (Wellbutrin?). you have to be really careful, ESPECIALLY, with anti-depressants, because their interactions and side-effects are very unpredictable.

health stuff aside, an addiction to adderall is a little different than the other drugs in that it is serving two purposes in your case: enhancing performance (therapeutic) and getting high. unfortunately, once you start using it to get high, there is no way of going back to a regulated usage, much less a therapeutic usage. this is doubly dangerous because your mind is now relying on the rush of adderall to do anything productive, but you're at a level of abuse that doesn't allow for that.

what is your school / job situation like now? are you still abusing multiple drugs at once? if so, is rehab an option? given your history of usage and suicidal thoughts, going back on adderall is going to be the most disastrous move you can make.

as of now, you are only a year in- NOW is the time to rid your life of it. your life isn't over, your legal troubles are behind you, RIGHT NOW is the time to fight for your life, before it gets worse.

Thank you for the response, I appreciate all the support. I recently came off anti-depressants btw, they prescribed me new ones but I don't want to take them. I'm going to have to talk to my doctor about that to. In terms of school/jobs, I am currently in midterm seasons and working twice a week at a part time job to pay my way through school. I am not abusing any drugs anymore, but it's very hard to stop, ESPECIALLY when I'm in school because I just go completely insane with all the stress (there's a lot of pressure on me to too succeed, not because of my parents really, but because I've been fucking up my entire life and need to pave a way for me to work a proper career, not just rob and sell drugs). I really want to go to rehab but it's too much of a dedication for me considering I have a lot going on in the outside world. I might give it a try though if things ever get worse. If you can, please look at my response to Sean above and let me know what you think I should do, because I am torn between what to do. Thanks again !

-Fix

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Your mom does not know about the Adderall addiction. If she did, and she understood how bad the withdrawal is, and she knew you were tempted to go back to Adderall because of this test, chances are good she would support the sick note.  IMO, if you can get that sick note do it and don’t go back to Adderall. 

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4 hours ago, Frank B said:

Wow powerful stuff I definitely feel if your not in NA should start going ASAP you could gain a lot from those meetings. Post on here often we all are here to help each other out. 

thanks Frank! I'm actually considering doing group therapy at the place I get individual counselling from. It would be nice to see people in person and hear their stories/how they have overcome or are managing their addiction. I might actually try NA specifically though, never really thought of that! thanks for the recommendation !

-Fix

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8 minutes ago, Subtracterall said:

Your mom does not know about the Adderall addiction. If she did, and she understood how bad the withdrawal is, and she knew you were tempted to go back to Adderall because of this test, chances are good she would support the sick note.  IMO, if you can get that sick note do it and don’t go back to Adderall. 

thank you very much. Yea, my original plan, well I was contemplating, to take an adderall tmrw so I could survive going through the 2 tests, but I really don't want to because I don't want to relapse. Also, my issue wasn't only the withdrawal and the fact that the tests I have to write are gonna be a challenge and back to back same day, but also I have terrible sleeping patterns. My tests tmrw at 9am-12pm, then 12pm-2pm. For the past 3 nights I've fallen asleep between 9-11 IN THE MORNING. So I would definitely fail the 2nd test at least tmrw due to tiredness and fact that the 2nd one is the hardest. I will get the sick note tmrw after I write the first one and tell the school, if they ask which they prob wont cuz universities don't really care, I was already sick and barely got through the 1st one in the morning. Hopefully all goes well, I don't want to feel like a bad person getting a sick note but I've been struggling really hard and don't know what how to cope. Thanks for the support!

-Fix

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1 hour ago, Fix said:

thank you very much. Yea, my original plan, well I was contemplating, to take an adderall tmrw so I could survive going through the 2 tests, but I really don't want to because I don't want to relapse. Also, my issue wasn't only the withdrawal and the fact that the tests I have to write are gonna be a challenge and back to back same day, but also I have terrible sleeping patterns. My tests tmrw at 9am-12pm, then 12pm-2pm. For the past 3 nights I've fallen asleep between 9-11 IN THE MORNING. So I would definitely fail the 2nd test at least tmrw due to tiredness and fact that the 2nd one is the hardest. I will get the sick note tmrw after I write the first one and tell the school, if they ask which they prob wont cuz universities don't really care, I was already sick and barely got through the 1st one in the morning. Hopefully all goes well, I don't want to feel like a bad person getting a sick note but I've been struggling really hard and don't know what how to cope. Thanks for the support!

-Fix

If you were getting a sick note because you had party plans you’d be in the wrong. Delaying a test so you do not relapse taking adderall again is not unethical whatsoever. Also you might try Melatonin for a good nights sleep any place that sells supplements has them.

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2 hours ago, Fix said:

Thank you very much for the response, it's great to hear someone with a similar story to mine. That is very rough, and I appreciate your perspective on this matter, it has helped. I would like to ask you a question, or anyone else who is reading this. I've been having urges to go back to adderall, but mainly because I'm in the midst of midterms. I have 2 tomorrow back to back, and one of them I have no idea what's going on (it's a Biology course, a field of study I have never indulged in before). Personally, I might get a sick note for one of those tests and just do one of them tomorrow, saying I tried going to the first one and puked after then had to go get a sick note. However, my mother is telling me that if I do that it's considered lying since, to her understanding, I'm not sick and I will have bad karma/fail the midterm when I retake it anyways, so she says. Technically, although I am not ill I feel like I'm going through a mental sickness by me just being about a week off adderall. I feel like if I don't get the sick note I will relapse on the adderall trying to become superman again at a time where I need to recover, but at the same time my mom is giving me second thoughts about it, but she to doesn't know about my adderall addiction so she can't relate to my perspective as much. I appreciate the response, what are your thoughts on my current situation with the 2 exams tomorrow?

-Fix

That's a tough situation, I convinced myself many times to get back on for school and I ended failing anyways and have dropped out since quitting but by next fall I will be able to go back. For me it was impossible to get anything done without it and eventually it didn't matter if I was on it or not I still couldn't get anything done. If you think it will allow you to pass your exams then maybe do it but know when your next exam comes around and finals your be in the same situation and the sooner you build confidence in your ability to do it with out the better. Every time you have pressure for an exam or assignment from now on you'll consider adderall and at some point you have to say no and stick to it and show yourself you can do it without and the sooner the better. I know how hard it is not to take it and to sit down to do something but we're talking life and death and serious side affects you have to consider. 

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Man I know exactly where your at and how you feel.. I've literally been in the exact same situation. I took the adderall, still failed my exams, dropped out and I'm living at home now getting back on my feet. Had I continued using I would have died without a doubt. You have to realize shit will fall apart, things will go bad and the worst thing you can do it keep severely pressuring yourself to try and fix and do things when you just can't and need a break. You have to accept your life might go to shit for a bit but just accept it and lay around do the bare minimum to survive tell people what's going on and know from the moment you decide to take care of yourself and stop abusing drugs things can only go up from there. I know it's so hard to stop but you really should do it as soon as possible. You can literally follow my post from my first one literally just like yours talking about exams and school and if I should stop or when. If it honestly still allows you to pass the exams and your not just lying to yourself so you can go in class high fail the test and feel okay about it cause your high then go do whatever shit you wanna do then maybe you could take it to pass but from what I've learned more than likely your taking it to feel okay about not being prepared and feel good with jotting down some shit that'll just result in a fail anyways. You have a lot of pain and emotion that needs to be felt and you can't run from it forever it's better to stop and go meet it than let it catch you near death like me in an absolute hell unable to even get high off drugs

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53 minutes ago, SeanW said:

Man I know exactly where your at and how you feel.. I've literally been in the exact same situation. I took the adderall, still failed my exams, dropped out and I'm living at home now getting back on my feet. Had I continued using I would have died without a doubt. You have to realize shit will fall apart, things will go bad and the worst thing you can do it keep severely pressuring yourself to try and fix and do things when you just can't and need a break. You have to accept your life might go to shit for a bit but just accept it and lay around do the bare minimum to survive tell people what's going on and know from the moment you decide to take care of yourself and stop abusing drugs things can only go up from there. I know it's so hard to stop but you really should do it as soon as possible. You can literally follow my post from my first one literally just like yours talking about exams and school and if I should stop or when. If it honestly still allows you to pass the exams and your not just lying to yourself so you can go in class high fail the test and feel okay about it cause your high then go do whatever shit you wanna do then maybe you could take it to pass but from what I've learned more than likely your taking it to feel okay about not being prepared and feel good with jotting down some shit that'll just result in a fail anyways. You have a lot of pain and emotion that needs to be felt and you can't run from it forever it's better to stop and go meet it than let it catch you near death like me in an absolute hell unable to even get high off drugs

yea, I completely understand. It's definitely hard, but I'm glad that you're improving. It takes time, and I hope I can end up following the same steps as you and end up on my feet again. It's hard as well to stop when you're dealing with emotional issues as well. Today I had just found out a couple of my friends got their charges dropped in the situation I was speaking about in my initial post. However, they have completely pushed me to the side and are all doing things without me. I've known one of them for 12 years, and I did a lot for him and now him/them are just ignoring me. This is making it harder for me to focus on school as well, and I know it's off topic for me to mention this, but with things like that and other issues with families/friends, it's hard for me to stay sane since my emotions are all over the place after quitting abruptly. Anyways, I'm sure things will get better as time progresses, so I'll stay on my feet and manage my way through. Always appreciate the support my friend.

-Fix

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2 hours ago, Frank B said:

If you were getting a sick note because you had party plans you’d be in the wrong. Delaying a test so you do not relapse taking adderall again is not unethical whatsoever. Also you might try Melatonin for a good nights sleep any place that sells supplements has them.

you're right, thanks for reassuring me! and I've taken melatonin before and after the first few nights using it just stops working, even the dual action/higher doses. idk what to do!

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I could never pass a biology exam in college on or off adderall if it makes you feel better lol. I went to a trade school best choice I made in life. Adderall was the worst choice along with a couple of bad woman. A huge shortage of electricians, plumbers, hvac professionals is happening right now. I guess they are looked down upon but you look at what the salary is minus no huge tuition loans it’s a pretty good deal. Plus like me after a couple of years you can start your own buisness if desired. Just see so many younger people on here stressing with college and abusing the hell out of this drug to get by. 

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6 minutes ago, Frank B said:

I could never pass a biology exam in college on or off adderall if it makes you feel better lol. I went to a trade school best choice I made in life. Adderall was the worst choice along with a couple of bad woman. A huge shortage of electricians, plumbers, hvac professionals is happening right now. I guess they are looked down upon but you look at what the salary is minus no huge tuition loans it’s a pretty good deal. Plus like me after a couple of years you can start your own buisness if desired. Just see so many younger people on here stressing with college and abusing the hell out of this drug to get by. 

you're right, the trades route is definitely the most practical idea. for me though I have a minor groin injury and I don't want it to get worse, I'm only 21 right now so I hope it gets better. I used to work a physical job but I haven't in almost 3 years because of the groin issue. Also, my heart lies in helping at risk youth, and counselling them, possibly becoming a therapist of some sorts. I'm in a social work program right now, Biology is just an elective I took because I didn't have many options, hopefully I can get through this semester aha

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Nice to know @Frank B considering trade school. @Fix as far as the friends sketching and the emotional stuff you have to let it go, the people meant to be in your life and worth having in your life will be there for you no matter what. Also, you have to learn to be happy on your own and love yourself and do what YOU love to do because in the end that's all you really have. You come in this world alone and go out alone so learn to find what you really enjoy and make yourself happy.

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15 hours ago, SeanW said:

If it honestly still allows you to pass the exams and your not just lying to yourself so you can go in class high fail the test and feel okay about it cause your high then go do whatever shit you wanna do then maybe you could take it to pass but from what I've learned more than likely your taking it to feel okay about not being prepared and feel good with jotting down some shit that'll just result in a fail anyways.

totally this. well said.

@Fix  good luck on your exam today! i don't know whether you've decided to dose up again, but as others have said, there is never going to be a perfect time to quit. 

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On 2/28/2018 at 1:21 PM, sleepystupid said:

totally this. well said.

@Fix  good luck on your exam today! i don't know whether you've decided to dose up again, but as others have said, there is never going to be a perfect time to quit. 

I honestly got the sick note for the 2nd exam, but still ended up writing the 1st exam yesterday. Didn't take any adderall, went in sober. Got 77% so I can't complain for now!

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On 2/27/2018 at 8:45 PM, SeanW said:

Nice to know @Frank B considering trade school. @Fix as far as the friends sketching and the emotional stuff you have to let it go, the people meant to be in your life and worth having in your life will be there for you no matter what. Also, you have to learn to be happy on your own and love yourself and do what YOU love to do because in the end that's all you really have. You come in this world alone and go out alone so learn to find what you really enjoy and make yourself happy.

Definitely well said, I have taken heed to that!

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