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Everything posted by Tom23Jones

  1. What is life

    Absolutely can relate to this. For months I wondered if I'd always be consumed with anxiety, despair, and nothingness. The anhedonia was crippling. There will be waves of this to weather for a long time but find comfort in knowing that you'll get through it each time as you have before. Eventually the fog starts to lift and anxiety lightens and you'll find joy in things again. Just keep going.
  2. It definitely comes and goes. Recovery is not a linear process, especially 40 days in. Its going to be a roller coaster for a few months but you'll keep seeing improvements over time.
  3. I wish for more connection...

    I find NA meetings very helpful. It doesn't matter what someones drug of choice was, you quickly hear parallels to your own struggles. Some of the people I've met through NA are some of my best friends. I'll warn you its a little weird or cult like when you first go but if you keep going back you'll realize they are just people going through the same struggles as you. And I'm sure there are several options near you, so you could go to a few and try to find a good fit for you.
  4. Adderrall "HIGH" after quitting

    So True! I don't know why I put myself through this cycle over and over...I'll be exercising like a mad man, eating healthy as fuck and feeling amazing. Then I go on a binder of eating bullshit and I act shocked when I feel like shit and have brain fog and anxiety for the next few days. Nutrition and exercise is so important.
  5. Quarantine qualms

    I lost weight at the beginning of using adderall but like you I got heavier than I ever was while on adderall. Because of tolerance and terrible eating habits on adderall like pummeling redbulls and eating bullshit. When I quit adderall, I slowly starting getting back in tune with my body and realized that healthy food and exercise makes you feel so much better; more energy, less anxiety, etc. I went from 250lbs at the end of my adderall use to about 190ish now
  6. How are you feeling today?

    Hello, would definitely like to hear your story once your up for sharing it. Depression and lack of energy is totally normal 16 days in. Congrats on getting through 2+ weeks without adderall, thats no easy task. I was taking 60 to 100+mg daily for 10 years and have been clean now for 4 years in May. I'm doing great, its crazy to think of how chaotic life use to be when I was speeding out of my mind. Some things that helped me big time were lifting weights, cardio, jiu jitsu, meditation, eating clean, drinking lots of water and attending NA meetings (might have to be after the quarantine) Keeping it going, you've made it through the toughest few days
  7. Ambivalence

    I think you telling him just how bad you are spiraling will be your proverbial "line in the sand" moment. I believe committing to quit together would be the best option. Theres no way I could live with my wife using adderall while I was first quitting. I would have had so much resentment towards her and jealousy of her fake motivation. We already know this. We just have to keep finding out the hard way just to know for sure. We just keep chasing whats unreachable.
  8. Ambivalence

    Whats a week or two in the grand scheme of things? Tapering may work for some people but I know it would have never worked for myself. I needed to tear the bandaid off and suffer and push through. No way would I have had the discipline to do a gradual taper. Have you ever been 100% honest to your husband the havoc that adderall wrecks on your mind and body? Do you think he'd consider giving it up completely with you? Even if it works for him now, he'll most likely eventually get to a point where it causes him hell. Its never going to happen. Its just not
  9. 5 Worst Things Adderall Did To You?

    1. Extreme anxiety/ paranoia 2. Made me a liar and a thief 3. Stole a decade from me of what could have been positive growth 4. Wrecked my health; sleep, digestive, nutrition, cardio was all trash 5. Wrecked a lot of relationships
  10. Never knew

    Hi Stan, congrats on a few months off adderall. Those early months are the toughest. As far as trying to convince your wife to believe you, I'd lay off that. Your addiction has put her and yourself through some hellish times and the last thing she wants to hear is that everything is going to be better. Shes probably tried getting things to change for many years. You just have to let your actions show her. Focus on being your best self and hopefully as you get back to the old you she'll come around.
  11. Ambivalence

    One day at a time is the best way to think about it. Even after you draw that line in the sand and commit to quitting for good, its still best to think about it one day at a time. When I quit adderall and then again when I gave up alcohol, I would obsess about these hypothetical future events where I would not survive without adderall or boos. i.e. an important day at work with no sleep, a siblings bachelor party or wedding, taking care of a new born... finally I said fuck that, I'll get through today and cross those bridges when they get here.
  12. Ambivalence

    Eventually you'll draw a line in the sand and say no fucking more adderall. It sounds so simple but one day something clicks and your just like for better or worse, no matter what hell I have to push through, I'm not going to take that shit again. I'm going to grind the days, weeks, months, years to get back to my natural self... sounds like your getting close to that point. Once you really commit and you know its no longer an option because you promise to yourself, its very freeing. Sure there are shitty times but even the rough times are so much better than the daily circus going on in your mind on whether to quit now, or ever, or maybe tomorrow, and then feeling shame because you used again, etc. Its a vicious cycle that is just not sustainable.... once the shit is even a little bit not fun, and tolerance goes up, and the happy excitement wears off, its the beginning of the end.
  13. I definitely relate to what you say about the novelty of working from home wearing off. It was cool for a few days but eventually it gets pretty blah when you work from home for 8 hours and then when you get off your still at home with nowhere to go. The wife and I have been doing at home workouts, walking the dogs, and going for runs after we finish the workday. Its really helped with with the mood and overall sanity. Just commit to do some exercise daily and don't waiver. You won't regret it.
  14. Ambivalence

    I did that kind of addict justification for months and years. Trust me you can still handle your current life without stimulants. Most likely way better. It might not seem better when you initially quit but you can handle it. And you'll be much more present with your 4 kids and way more self aware about your business... opposed to just speeding through the day being a productive machine. Its not a sustainable way of life.
  15. We aren't working from home yet but I work in a very small office, I do construction estimating. I had some really great momentum at work leading up to this pandemic regarding focus and motivation. But my concentration has been shit since this crisis. I know its the worst thing to do but I obsess over the news surrounding it and have neglected my work. Then its a cycle of being stressed that I'm behind on work and further neglecting my work to distract myself from feeling stressed. Its definitely a strange time to be alive. I'm not necessarily worried about getting sick, but I'm definitely weirded out about having to stay in, and everything being shut down and how wiped out the grocery stores are. Just feel very weird about it all, feels like a movie, feels like the type of thing we always assume would never really happen.
  16. I only expressed my personal experience of close friends who take Kratom. They take it every day and multiple times per day. That just doesn't appeal to me, I don't want to be dependent on anything to feel a certain mood or motivation. As for Adderall, I took the shit a few times per week and as prescribed for years and I would have told you the same thing about how great it makes life and its such an enhancer for focus and productivity and mood. I thought I found the cheat code but theres no free lunch in life. Eventually that shit lost its magic and the only way to get that same feeling is a little more and little more. At the end I was binging 120 to 160mg daily and consumed by the need to attain more pills. It led to panic attacks and constant anxiety and me doing shit that I would normally never do. So moderation is not an option for myself and most of the people on here. Maybe you have the discipline to take it a few times a week for a lifetime and thats cool. Live and let live Peace ☮ ✌
  17. I'd be careful recommending Kratom. I'm sure it probably is more sustainable than adderall but the few people I know that use Kratom, take it Every. Single. Day. and I've heard the withdrawls are pretty brutal. I considered it at one point but I don't really get excited about being dependent on something new. You mention you love adderall but just binged 120mg today. I get it man I used to love it too until I fucking hated it. You say you need it and we all fucking believed we "needed" it but trust me when I tell you that you don't brother... something led you to these forums so I believe deep inside your ready to get off the shit. You don't sound quite ready but your definitely moving out of the honeymoon phase of adderall.
  18. Modafinil / provigil

    You might not have cravings to take more because its new to you. Its still a stimulant like adderall or vyvanase. Thats why it made your anxiety go crazy. If you want to put the anxiety and side affects behind you, I'd get off this stuff as quickly as you can. Deal with the shitty withdrawls, push through and start recovering/healing.
  19. Yessir, doing the Dave Ramsey financial university changed my life. Its the most simple shit but if you work hard and follow it, financial freedom really happens.
  20. Got promoted to blue belt in jiu jitsu. Saved a 6 month emergency fund with my wife. Paid off all non mortgage debt.

    I definitely recommend going to NA meetings. They have them everywhere so you should be able to find one close to home. If you've never been, just go into it open minded and keep going back. The first few times I went I thought it was the weirdest shit ever but I could tell the people there deeply benefited from the meetings. I still go to occasional meetings after being off adderall for almost 4 years and no boos for almost 3 years. Its about more than not using. The meetings help keep life in perspective and its a place to go share whats on your heart with no judgement. I tried the pseudephedrine shit when I first gave up adderall but your just prolonging recovery by taking that stuff. I'd ditch it as soon as possible.
  22. 7 weeks clean- so bored

    Maybe the next time a birthday or event comes up you just let them know ahead of time that you have social anxiety. So if your awkward or roll out early they won't be offended. But I'd still try to make these events because it gets harder the more you isolate. I still have events I want to avoid, especially with people I don't know well but the more I attend these things the better I cope. And almost ALWAYS, I leave saying that was fun, not nearly as terrifying as I expected. You mention the possibility of getting triggered into popping 10mg to get through... that makes it sound like you still have some lying around or easy access to some? I'd flush that shit and/or cut off the access to it. If you want to be done with adderall, You've gotta draw a line in the sand and know thats not an option anymore.
  23. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    I have to keep telling myself this over and over. yeah its hard to trust the process because recovery is not a linear process. You don't always improve from one day to the next... you can have some great weeks and then suffer a setback of anxiety and cravings. But as you put together months and years things start drastically improving. Obviously positive habits help build momentum, exercise, meditation, healthy eating etc
  24. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    If stimulants were her drug of choice then I'd do my best to discourage her from phentermine. That stuff is trash and its very harsh. I justified using it at the end of my adderall abuse but I was quickly abusing it the same way. The odds of this drug having a positive impact on your friends life is super slim. She might have another small honeymoon phase but it'll go bad. That shit made my heart race, made me sweat and horrific panic attacks when I abused it. I recommend your friend find a healthier way to get fit. And I strongly discourage you from justifying that as an alternative to adderall. As you string together some clean time your anxiety will improve and slowly you'll gain clarity of mind but if you interrupt that with stimulants you'll just be prolonging all the healing.
  25. I can't believe it's me...

    yeah recovery is definitely not a linear process. And unfortunately you'll have good days and weeks which may be unexpectedly followed up by cravings and feeling of dread. You just have to draw a line in the sand and embrace the suck and never look back. Just find comfort in knowing that all the shitty parts are normal and eventually you'll come out the other side. A lot of people on here advocate that you treat yourself nicely and allow yourself to be lazy and netflix and chill but I think the opposite. I think the faster you can rely on discipline the better. Motivation is bullshit. Anyone can do shit when they are motivated and excited. The hard part is doing difficult things when arent motivated to do so. So you don't feel like going to the gym? Your feelings don't get a vote, you go anyhow. Through this struggle is where you really find yourself and start to value yourself. I recommend a strength training program for 3 to 5 days per week. Lifting weights can help lift depression and anxiety, also helps with cognitive function. I also cannot recommend meditating enough. I thought it was just some hippy shit but it really does quiet the mind of all the background chatter and helps with focus. I use the headspace app. But none of this is instant gratification type stuff that us addie abusers are used to. Its a slow organic process. You might struggle sitting to meditate for weeks before you finally realize the subtle benefits. Lastly, NA meetings have been a huge part of my recovery. I don't go as often anymore as I seldom think of adderall or alcohol but in the beginning when I was really white knuckleing it NA was there. NA is another thing thats super weird at first but everyones story is always super relatable