Motivation_Follows_Action

Just want to say I am reading these comments every morning and it is like a tonic. You guys rock. Thank you!

I'm in NYC but have been hesitant to start a group. Partly for confidentiality reasons and partly because I've never done AA and it would be good to have some idea about it before beginning a group. But I'm happy to meet anyone for coffee or who wants to chat -- just pm me.

It's another late night but cat I can definitely tell you it just gets better and better. Actually connecting with people and making new friends. Being able to be vulnerable which I never could be when on adderall because I was either way too anxious or way too overconfident and disconnected. It's a nice feeling. Enjoy it!

Oh - forgot to mention. I have a test today on accounting and financial acumen. First test I've taken in years and I'm surrounded by 25 year olds. Eeeek! I'm v nervous and kinda unprepared. Was supposed to read an entire text book on accounting rules but yep, kept falling asleep. Exam is this morning at 9:30, it's now 8am. Wish me luck but I am not expecting much...

Mad Men but its boring as hell this season.

Just saying a quick hello - it's 4am and I'm wide awake so why not?! Your thoughtfulness and kindness has been a real motivator - thank you! Yes there are times when I start nodding off and I think I missed an entire session on calculating CrOCI WACC because of mental for but so fat so good. I have met some nice people and although my charming people skills are still a bit rusty, at least in not just a total social weirdo or recluse. Oh and to celebrate a win with you, my team won a entire business simulation where your have to run the financials and all aspects of a company and they nominated me "CEO" of this fictitious company. Prize was Belgian chocolate ... Which I am devouring with gusto . It's working out really well and I am learning a lot about myself being myself on adderall. It's a tired self but more generally "together" and less framemted than last time I was on adderall.

Heather my lovely lady you are punishing yourself even further by expecting to feel a certain way. Stop and breathe. Don't compare this round to the last one... As far as your body is concerned you are starting all over again, so erase your memories of what it was like last time. Like lea says, you're one day closer to freedom and you should celebrate that rather than berating yourself because you feel bad over something you felt like you should have new able to control but couldn't. Forgive yourself every morning, every moment and every time you take a nap. I personally don't think you let yourself have time to just "be" last time. Your son, the holidays, having to keep the hubby happy with his crazy demands... Where is the time for YOU to concentrate on getting better and just healing? Making your recovery your only priority is the only way you will start to feel better on a consistent basis. And sure, that sounds a lot like "me me me" expect with a 3 year old, but your son wants his mommy back. A you want yourself back - so be patient and generous to yourself, and your body will reward you in time.

Heather I'm really proud of you for this above post. I honestly was worried a little time ago when you sounded so peppy so much... Not that we donet love your quirky sense of humor? But the process of early recovery is insanely depleting and it DOES feel dark and kinda endless. It is nice to hear you vulnerable. It shows strength and courage. You have my respect and utmost support. With you all the way... Good luck for day 2! Be gentle with yourself.

It takes some kind of courage to come back on here when you've relapsed and I was worried about you. So you're back at day one. It's like those 2.5 months meant nothing, really. You should treat this like you're starting all over again, or it will be even harder than it was last time. You know the drill you need a plan. What's your plan? How will you celebrate your achievements and keep being strong? How will you stop those incoming calls from ruining your resolve?

Thanks guys. Nothing to be jealous of, really. Most of my time will be spent inside a conference room or banquet halls or taxis or airports. I'm not a great explorer on business trips because in my "natural" state, I find all the meeting and greeting people and being "on" for 12 hours a day in a country where I don't speak the language to be really exhausting. But IR, you're really right and your advice is great. Time to see this in a new light, as a chance to see myself in a new light, just as I have up until now.

I'm off tomorrow for a 2 week trip to Europe where I will be attending seminars and conducting client meetings and training. 6 months ago I was in Europe when my adderall addiction came to a screaming halt and ended me in a state of psychosis, on a side road in the middle of the night in Turkey. I haven't traveled since. Going back to the airport, doing the whole packing, plane trip, jet lag thing again fills me with anxiety as that was my life on adderall for months and months before I quit. When I think about waiting in airports and boarding planes I can almost taste the adderall in my mouth. Even though I don't crave adderall, I crave the familiarity of it, you know? I guess the habit of it. It's going to be hard not to pop an adderall when I have to wake at 3 in the morning EST when I'm in another country. I will have to survive on coffee; and I'm already exhausted so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm just ranting; I know I'm going to be ok - I just wanted to share a bit of my anxiety. Thanks for listening guys.

Interesting. I like the musical analogy. Food for thought!

Calo I'm glad you posted about your frustrations. I expect you'll have days like this for a really long time, so getting used to them is part of recovery. Sorry to rain on the parade but as you normalize it is a bitter pill to swallow that actually having fat days and shitty days and exhausted days is... ummm... part of life. If you aged yourself, well there's nothing you can do about it now except make sure you don't age yourself any further.

I read On Speed and The Amphetamine Debate, which are almost word for word the same, at least in the beginning. On Speed is a better read IMO.

I need to get some perspectives and opinions, and none more helpful than the smart and savvy crowd here. Just a vox pop type of thing. I was debating with someone today about the concept of "the art and science of leadership". The person I was talking to was explaining that leadership was an art. Like Warren Bennis said, leadership is caught, not taught. It's not a finite skill that can be learned, like typing or math. It's hard to measure. I come from a different school - I think leadership styles and skills can be developed through experience, reflection and application. You can't learn it in a classroom in your MBA, but over time you can learn that different levers work to influence behavior and decisions, and that's the skill of a leader. Just interested in hearing peoples' thoughts here. How would you describe leadership?

Cassie, Sebastian and everyone else out there who hates their job. I am living proof that you can find your "true north" and get paid for it - if you work hard and stay focused. I don't believe everything happens for a reason, but I do believe you can take good lessons from bad experiences. My last job was the direct opposite from what I should have been doing. It was in an industry against all my personal beliefs and ambitions, doing something I wasn't very good at, getting paid a shit load of money. Of course I made the decision to go there while I was deep in the fog of adderall land, where you feel invincible but are clearly very flawed... Manic even. Through absolute failure I was able to stop and reflect and I don't know how causal the relationship between quitting adderall and finding the right career for me, but definitely wiping the slate clean and being "released" in to a place of self reflexion and searching again made me direct my efforts to what I was passionate about, and what I'm naturally good at. You guys were with me through the interview process, you saw it all play out. I failed where there wasn't alignment between who I am, what I'm good at, and what I believe in. I'm now in a role in an industry that pays less than half of my last job, but I am happy. I work with smart people, I can be creative and commercial, and I believe there is real merit in what I do. Cassie I believe that does exist, you have to be courageous and ask yourself what you are naturally interested in, what you're good at and what you're skilled at. It's rare to find something that fits all 3 of those things but it is out there!

Is that safe?!

You're such a brave guy, falcon. So glad you've been thinking of us as we have of you. Say hi to the harbor and houseboat for us, we are all welcoming spring and its new promises.

Thanks! So let's add it up. I was on day 84 when I quit and then add 90 = nearly 6 months!! Your picture is lovely, by the way... just how I imagined you...

It's 90 days since I relapsed. Just wanted to say that. We have to celebrate the little wins and the big wins!

You know what? I think it happens to all of us. I was thinking the exact same thing today. "Just 2.5mg twice a day" I told myself. "Just enough for a bump, like a cup of coffee". Geez!! Shows you the addict in us never really goes away does it.

Sebastian, I'm wondering if you can plan to take yourself home or away for a vacation sometime soon. And/or get involved with some kind of charity work. Have you watched the documentary, "Happy"? It was an eye opener for me. Showed me that t those who are truly happy appreciate the present moment, feel like they are contributing something meaningful, and have meaningful relationships. Maybe if you can build on that theory it might help, since you seem to be so keen on not taking any antidepressants! :-)

Thanks IR, this is really useful to hear. And all the more respect to you for really learning how to handle paws and knowing yourself really well. I imagine the temptation to relapse during those periods of intense stress and anxiety and exhaustion must have been great. Good on you for staying strong. And thanks for the useful pointers. I will listen to these red flags myself in the future and learn better how to respond in the moment and for the longer term.

Yerba mate gave me terrible headaches and the jitters. It's funny how different supplements work for different people.

Cassie recommended you don't take Tyrosene for more than a couple of months at a time. I don't know why; Cassie why do you recommend this?