Motivation_Follows_Action

That's a lot of life you crammed in there, Confused84. Many lifetimes in just a few years. A few things that strike me as familiar: 1) The eye contact thing. I used to have that on adderall; when people met my eye contact even just walking down the street it was like they were wanting to rob my soul or something. I have always had a bit of social anxiety but on adderall I would dread even going down out to get coffee because I felt like everyone was always looking at me, looking at me. Yep, that was the adderall. 2) Feeling numb to the world. The horrible solipsism that comes with extended adderall use is so all-consuming that you forget life could ever be anything meaningful or enjoyable. I am still getting over this sometimes I'm afraid. And of course the more you wall yourself off from the world doing mindless tasks that seem endlessly important for hours at a time, the more you have no idea whether life is in fact awful or nice, because you're not really experiencing it. It sounds like you really want to get off adderall, and that you are smart enough to realize you're addicted (and you have found this site after all); so what is your plan to come off it? By the way, I read that lorry drivers are some of the worst abusers of amphetamines out there. All those long drives....

Dear H.C, Congratulations on that amazing leap towards recovery. Sometimes I wish I had gone to rehab so I could learn more about the inner workings of the brain and how addiction affects it. My understanding is so rudimentary, based mostly on a few books and what I've picked up on this site. Welcome to the forums and we would love you to check in as much as you want to. Share the ups and the downs; we all do. Recovery isn't linear, as I learned on this site as well. Congratulations again,

You're not rambling, actually I find this really touching. I think of you guys too sometimes when I'm doing something or honestly now when I'm really struggling with self esteem. And I take away a lot of really great wisdom almost all the time I log on. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks of this community in the real world, too

I keep coming back to read these posts again and again. Thank you so much, I am working hard to figure out what's underneath the trigger, and I'm realizing that the adderall won't solve it at all. It's this crazy little concept called self-acceptance, that I went away when I was 18 and never really came back. I realized that even if I did have a perfect body (whatever that means), I'd still think I wasn't intellectually stimulating or literary or creative enough. Geez this navel gazing is really quite a pathetic exercise isn't it. Sorry for all the self absorbed crap.

Yeah it's pretty inspiring. The club is growing!

I ran to catch the subway - does it count?

Really? I'd we all downloaded the code book app would we be able to solve the code?

I can't do fancy dancing bananas, but I am really impressed by this, occasional 1.

Day 22 will rock your world. Yes, you can make it!

Occasional, I know this wasn't directed at me but I found it particularly helpful. I am struggling so much with relapsing and have been considering the impact on my work. I've starred to tell myself internally that I can take just 10 or 20 mg a day for a month, just enough to get me over that 10lb weight loss, and then everything will go back to the way it was. Pitt that's not how it works. Thank you for reminding me.

Yep, we have a really diverse group here: the straight-talker (quit once), the gentle soul (Ashley), the holy-shit-what-a-success-story (in recovery) the creative genius (occasional), the optimist (liltex), the Occam's razor (krax), the insightful one (lea), the resident scientist (Cassie), and on and on we go. Awesome bunch of personalities and perspectives.

A little insight for you - on the other side of shitting out all those ideas, your friend is probably anxious, paranoid, sleep deprived, guilty and definitely a little unglued. Your therapist is right. If you felt a little more confident in your capabilities you would not need to compare your brilliance with that of a speed freak. Maybe focus on what you do do well, and swim in your own lane. Your friend may eventually need you to help him from drowning....

I wish it were so easy. Marriage and sex are never easy, especially after a few years' ups and downs and highs and lows. I would have given someone else the same advice as you gave me, believe me. And it is the right advice, but the wrong context. It's complicated. I wish I could summarize it in 25 words or less but I can't. I just need to stay close to the site for a little while, and pay attention to how I'm feeling. It's when we take our eyes off our feelings that triggers turn in to relapse, I guess. Thank you Ashley and Lea. It means a lot you're around.

You're right that people have mixed feelings about the use of other drugs, especially benzos and alcohol and weed. I'm not hard and fast about it. Sure, I think it would be ideal if one could wake up one day and be completely free and clean of everything, but life ain't like that. So long as you don't have a dependency on downers, or feel like you're swapping one addiciton for another. Be careful.

I did it! First 2 mile run today. Felt horrible at the time (especially in this heat) but great now I've stopped. Lea if I can do it, anyone can!

Malpractice. 1) He knew I didn't have ADHD or ADD. He told me as much. 2) He admitted me to a locked psych ward which was a highly traumatic experience. I had to use legal action to get out within 72 hours because after he admitted me, he promptly disappeared and didn't make any effort to contact me or the hospital again 3) He then attempted to charge me for the "session" during which he organized my admission to the hospital, plus one other "session" which was him on the phone with me while he was on his cellphone walking around the City.

Last night my husband told me that if I "got back in to that dress" I wore at the height of my adderall addiction, he would take me away to some exotic location as a surprise. Also, after being turned down AGAIN yesterday for sex, he said, "well if you were able to fit in to that dress there's no way I'd ever be able to say no". There are lots of little examples of this kind of behavior but I am naming only two. Basically, now, I feel pretty worthless and from the moment he said that to me 48 hours ago I have eaten only two meals and I just signed up for a half marathon. I am REALLY tempted to start taking adderall, or something like it. I started web searching for "most potent appetite suppressant". I'm not overweight and I was beginning to accept myself, cellulite and all, after getting over my addiction. Now all those old demons are coming back again and all I want to do is get control over my feelings and starve myself back to 120lbs.

Okee dokee, I just signed up for a half marathon in October. I am about to go and try to get through 4 miles. Nothing like a challenge to kick it off! Will keep you posted.

One thing to remember about doctors, is that no matter what they tell you, it is NEVER personal. Docs are worried about litigation and losing their license. That's all it is. I came very close to legal action with my doc for a number of reasons, but when I realized what he was all about, I wanted to call my insurance company and report him. I think I may still do that, to be honest. It's a shame because mental health and emotional health is such a tough field to work in, and it doesn't help all the well-meaning and genuinely well-intended docs that there are many, many others out there who don't simply have the same intentions. I'm sorry you both had tough experiences with your docs. Better to have nothing to do with people who don't have your best interest in mind.

IR, even reading this now is still inspiring to me. 6 months on. You have been through so much and your recovery story is remarkable. It's good to read it again with fresh eyes. Ally, I'm glad you found the site and are active here. I recovered from taking 60mg a day, and my story wasn't that dissimilar to IR's. I remember the crying, oh the crying. Hours and hours of it. I thought my life was over. I wish someone had been able to tell me that what I was feeling wasn't real; it was chemical. I too hand'nt discovered this site until the worst of the depression was over. How are you feeling today?

Ally, the people on here are awesome and only want the best for you. It's cool you are listening to them. I can't add any more except to say the folks who replied to you have been through addicrion's darkest hours and come through the other side to make their lives better. That's what everyone here hopes for you as well. Stay close here the next couple of weeks, ok? When I first quit this site was my refuge. No one could embarrass themselves as much as me being all over this site 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The confusion about sleep patterns for me when after a month or so if quittingt, I had a really hard time sleeping. I would be aching and wrestles and my mind would be racing. I expected always to be "on bed rest' after I quit but in weeks 2 -3 I would lie wake in bed, every night. My point is tags everyone is different and yoou should try never compare yourself with others. It's you on this path. So learn to listen because you have to live with you and that's the best you ever... One who has pride and self-assurance.

Ally, you made it this far. Congratulations. Don't think another minute about turning back now. Just take it day by day, moment by moment, nap by nap. It does get easier, eventually. Staying on or going back to adderall though will only eventually make life much harder. Keep going!

Interesting and meandering thread. There are tons of assumptions being made though. Krax's statement around behavioral or problematic children is related to drug use at hone is a little way off. We have to be careful that in our evangelism about the evils of adderall and how we think its terrible that is dispensed so freely, that we don't sound like the two grumpy old men on the muppets. I'm glad you're doing your research though. It raises some really valuable discussion topics.

You go girl! Seems like there are a few really great stories of freedom from adderall + academic and professional success on here this last week. I was thinking how cool it is to have some wins that show what can be accomplished if you believe in yourself and life beyond withdrawals and cravings. I'm so proud of you!

Aaaand?